@GioDes thank you for reassuring that it's not my fault. he was in a stressful situation and most likely has mental health challenges. he was angry upon hearing the news and i overheard him scold himself for not calling his mum that week, and then she was in hospital. i'm not sure how i can place boundaries about this, i just need to figure out what i can do when it happens. the two most recent times it's happened i just shut myself in my room and listen to music or watch a movie.  he probably would be confused if the subject of professional health was brought up because it's technically not a long-term issue. in the past he's rejected seeing a counsellor when his mental health was worse years ago, and refused to go to rehab when he was struggling with addiction. he knows that these tantrums i have affect and worry my mum and i in the moment because he doesn't speak to us about it and just cracks it and shuts himself in his room. the last time it happened, my mum talked to him about it and he said sorry to me, but now i just think those apologies mean nothing because apologies are meaningless without changed behaviour.  ... View more

@MaryRO yeah, it's just disheartening to know that even if i do seek support or help, in the end there's nothing i can change or do about his behaviour until i don't live with my family anymore ... View more

@Macaria i'm really sorry you went through something similar, and that it's affected you in such a profound way. that feeling of being trapped because these are the people you live with is really hard and it's unbelievable to think that person is supposed to be your role model.  thank you so much, i really feel for people who pick up toxic behaviours from their caretakers. he's doing better but like how you felt, i'm scared that it'll probably happen again since it's happened before. the only real outlet i have to voice my stress is my mum and this forum as i'm kind of scared to be vulnerable with others. i don't want to vent to them without looking for a solution because there isn't one. again, thank you for voicing your support.  ... View more

@Hannah-RO i'm doing better now and his mood has improved, but it's just a constant situation where me and my mum try to watch out for his change in mood as much as possible. up until today he skipped work and was on the couch all day depressed, blatantly ignoring my mum and i if we tried to talk to him. when he has these outbursts, the first thing my mum always asks me is 'did you do anything' (as in to provoke it which is really frustrating). there's pretty much no one else i can confide in about it except for my mum because i've only just started hanging out with a new friend group at school and i don't know if i should open up to them about stuff that personal yet. my family hasn't had support specifically for these outbreaks as we just deal with it by ourselves, but my parents have been to counselling individually when my dad was battling addiction. i don't really feel as if it's enough of a problem to get help about it as nothing can be changed about it, only how i myself handle it.  thank you for your kind words and validating what i'm going through. my dad's mum is now in stable condition, but will remain in hospital until further notice. he's been visiting her. i called my friend today which took my mind off everything for a while but when those tantrums happen i try to have compassion for myself and affirm that it's not my fault and this is temporary, i'll be living away from him one day.  ... View more

@celestialdreamer AHHH thank u sm! yeah it's still going really well and i'm getting closer with a few of them individually, earlier this week a lot of them wanted to skip school at lunch and go to one of their houses which i feel bad for missing out on but i was scared i would get in trouble. and yeah it was really good that she understood that i was scared, and i've noticed one of them sparks up a conversation when they notice i haven't talked in a while or i'm zoning out which is really sweet! ... View more

@celestialdreamer yeah it is! just to give a little update: last friday a girl in my class (who happened to be part of the group of girls i like) was partnered with me so we talked and got along, and as we were walking out she asked me if i had anyone to sit with and i said no so she offered for me to sit with her and her friends so of course i did! it was really scary and i expressed that to her but it's now my third day sitting with them and i feel quite welcomed, i find it's pretty entertaining to just listen to what they're talking about and not asserting myself in the conversation too much and i'm okay with that. but it's crazy to think how easy and sudden it was. i'm so happy to say this  ... View more

@celestialdreamer no, she hasn't :/ i hope i do too, but that's in another 3 years 😔my last week went well, i'm still sitting with that group i'm ~okay~ with and there's this girl in one of my classes that i sit with and we get along pretty well!  i'm happy to be on this journey with you too! the difference between english and english language is that english is repeating the skills you've been doing all throughout high school (creative writing, language analysis, comparative essays, oral presentations) whereas english language is studying how we use words and the anatomy of language if that makes sense. it's almost a scientific subject, which is probably why a lot of science kids take the subject because there's not much essay writing + novel reading.  i like how you're challenging your mindset around uni stress. you will overcome any stress you come across, and i'm rooting for you! ... View more

@Sophia-RO yeah i hope so! it does, and i'm taking english, english language, ancient history, health and human development and psychology. i really like them all so that gives me hope for this year ... View more

@scared01 thank you, it did go well!  ... View more

@celestialdreamer i know! the person's 18th i went to is my one friend who i said i don't really connect with anymore but i'm glad i went because of the boy lol! it was good yet surreal because i get little to no male attention, but unfortunately he lives 3 hours away and doesn't have any social media (his sister does but my follow request is still pending). he left the party abruptly and i felt unnecessarily sad after because there's a slim chance i'll see him again, maybe for my friend's 21st? i really appreciate that you're genuinely interested in how it went 🥺it felt like an entire week went by in those 2 days (thursday and friday) and i was physically exhausted coming home because i barely moved during the holidays but school is pretty good so far! as expected, i still had that awkward feeling while sitting alone but i sat with a group of people who i was already acquaintances and they're alright. lots of icebreakers in classes which were pretty fun, and i socialised a little bit with the people who were sitting next to me. the workload is lower than i expected but at times i felt scared of how hard and stressful this year might be! again, thank you so much for expressing this much interest like wow it feels like we're friends     ... View more

@scared01 i'm doing well thank you for asking. school starts tomorrow which i'm nervous/excited about ... View more

@celestialdreamer yes, that made sense and thank you! yeah, there's a big chance i might change my mind a lot but i'm excited to see how it all turns out. i hope you're having a good day too  i went to my first 18th yesterday and had some experience sitting alone then, until i was approached by a guy which was surreal yet awesome! ... View more

@musicfan_xo thank you ! ... View more

@musicfan_xo thank you. i start school next week and i don't think i'll immediately go into finding friends, i think i'll just enjoy solitude until something naturally comes. to be completely honest with you, i'm really not interested in keeping in contact with that friend and when we were the last ones left, i found the connection forced and, frankly, boring, so i'm actually kinda excited about this clean slate. it's okay that you're not able to give advice! i believe things will be okay and if they're not, that's okay too because it's my last year of school anyway. thank you for your support and that you're here for me  ... View more

@celestialdreamer i'm glad your new year celebration was fun.  i've also had personality quizzes recommended to me by family when i told them i'm not really familiar with my personality traits! thank you for sharing traits you've noticed about me, that was really kind and helpful and i'm relieved to know i'm not alone on not fully knowing myself. as for you, i can say you're really attentive and actively try to seek solutions which i love. i have an online friend who does the same thing and it makes me feel really supported as opposed to when people give unsolicited advice, make it about themselves etc.  since this whole issue arose, i've been thinking about the other side of the spectrum which is trying to enjoy my own company instead of searching for friends the second i face the impending reality of being alone. i've been researching this and think i'm gonna try out sitting alone during lunch breaks until i naturally gravitate towards potential friends or vice versa. a quote i saw stuck with me that goes along the lines of 'when you're in solitude, you're in the company of someone you've already known you're entire life and someone who knows you better than anyone else, and that you don't have the pressure of trying to impress others'. more and more, i'm starting to believe that solitude could actually be great. it's something that scares me and immersing myself in something uncomfortable could be transformative! what are your thoughts? ... View more

@Sophia-RO thank you for reassuring me i'm not alone  and thank you, i feel like i would benefit from brainstorming some answers ... View more

@celestialdreamer that's okay! i need to read station eleven before we go back to school in 3 weeks and i'm only on chapter 2 because i have a habit of procrastinating  so i can't say yet. i'm trying to get into reading again because i loved that hobby as a reading-obsessed child! i think i'm gonna actually give up spanish because the reason why i started learning was because i thought it would be cool to have conversations in spanish with my spanish speaking friend, and since i've learned that taking actual language classes (my school unfortunately doesn't offer spanish) is the most efficient way to have conversational fluency which is what i was aiming for, and my naive self last year was unaware it takes literal years to be fluent lol. your initial feelings when you first started hanging out with that group will probably be how i'll feel. it's true that there's obviously one thing i'll have in common with whoever i'll approach which is school so there's that! one situation i'm dreading is if the group as a whole pays their attention to me and asks 'so tell us about yourself' because i have an underdeveloped sense of self... i don't know if this makes sense but i don't really know who i am - what my traits are, what's interesting about me, what i do, what makes me unique etc. i'm glad your worries about fitting in that the group already had well-established friendships eventually subsided, that gives me hope! thank you again for sharing your experience. i hope the friendships don't feel weird and that the reason i'm with them is actually because we're compatible and not because i don't want to be alone because i really don't. right now the reason why i want to make these friends at school is because i'm tired of being sad about not having any friends irl and feeling bad for myself because i know i deserve strong connections with mutual interest and passion.  thank you, my new years was really chill, it was a stay-in type of night as always and we did a countdown and went to bed! how was yours? ... View more

@celestialdreamer i'm currently reading the books i need to read for summer reading (station 11, the dressmaker, the crucible) and learning spanish  i'm glad you're happy with the social media boundaries you set for yourself. i've found for myself that turning on 'do not disturb' for notifications was good because it allowed me to only check my phone when i need to with no sense of urgency. as for journalling, i definitely would try that if i felt i needed it! do you mind if we circle back to the issue i was talking about for next year. some questions i forgot to ask you were: before you approached that group did you have a period of loneliness or apprehension because it was a group that most likely had developed close friendships, and was there an awkward time of first hanging out with them and realising that you're the only one they don't know well, and how was conversation with them at first? did you feel like you fit right in or was it sort of a non-linear process? lastly, i hope despite the small gathering you had a good christmas too! i'm glad the food was delicious! mine was the best christmas i've had in years and i found it special which is weird because it's still 2020  ... View more

@celestialdreamer that saying you quoted about types of friends is interesting! i really wonder if this situation with my friends is clearing the way for *my* people to come in. for me, there's a few things to be excited about for the new year, even coming from someone who is usually skeptical and nervous when faced with a significant change.  since my most recent reply to you, i have been feeling better from investing in my family relationships and online friendships. i do have hobbies that i really enjoy even if they're not the most social. i love to learn, so i find myself reading a lot and practising a language i'm learning.  my friendships have never really, in a sense, been 'normal'. when i have a rough patch with a friend, my mum always says 'you've always had such bad luck with friends' (which totally isn't helpful), but in a way it's true. since i was a kid my friends' parents refused to let me visit them or them visit me, and it's continued until recently because even before covid, i never really spent time with my friends and it didn't feel like a choice either of us were making. i hope one day this weird cycle breaks and i can have friends who i see outside of school a lot, because i think i would really benefit from it. i'm sorry social media has been causing you stress, and in my experience setting myself boundaries around social media use was very worth it.  i have considered journalling and do occasionally type up everything i'm thinking (without re-reading) and that helps me through tough emotions such as frustration. but if a certain situation is causing certain emotions, it's super helpful to talk it out on here or with close friends to try to work through my thoughts and come to a solution to prevent co-rumination! thank you for your kind words  i hope you get to relax soon as well, it'll be well deserved! similar to past christmases, this year's will be pretty chill with a gathering of relatives and a meal. if you celebrate, happy christmas for tomorrow! ... View more

@Sophia-RO no concrete plans yet, but my family is contemplating having a week-long stay at a city (most likely melbourne) next month, and if this does happen i'll be really excited for that! but apart from that, nothing much else. i'm also looking forward to the new year  do you have anything planned for the summer? ... View more

@Sophia-RO agreed (: and yeah i'll try to enjoy my last extended break as much as possible before i'm bombarded with the workload of year 12 and then worry about it when the time comes. and yeah i'll look into and re-evaluate my interests as i think they need tending to.  in terms of how i'm going, i actually feel better since i posted that reply even though it was from the day before lol! and thankfully i have a couple of close online friends to turn to when i'm struggling.  no worries about the private messaging thing! ... View more

i've never been in a spa so i'll go with pool! cold water or room temperature water? ... View more

@celestialdreamer thank you for checking in and no worries! i think all i can do is accept this weird situation and hope for the best and try not to let worrying about it consume too much of my summer, but i really do think this *ending* is forcefully ejecting me into a place where i can receive blessings and new beginnings.  this feeling down thing, i'm afraid, is steadily continuing. i have quite a few interests/hobbies that i'm losing passion in and i'm worried about that, and i can't really spend time with my friend group (who you know is now leaving school) over the summer. there's three of them. the first one is busy moving and i don't feel as if we're compatible or we 'gel'. the second one refuses to spend time with me outside of school because i don't practise the same religion as her and told me 'we're just school friends' - ouch, and the third i have hung out with once this summer but sense the friendship dying in a way. when i was out with her i couldn't wait to go home which i suspect means something??? i do feel sad about this and feel like i'm wasting the perfect opportunity to hang out with friends since we're doing pretty well with covid in victoria, but it seems like my soul is telling me to just veg out and rest the entire summer, which i'm admittedly okay with.  i like that you had a nice experience hanging out with yourself! and yeah it's really important to know the difference between solitude and loneliness. solitude is awesome!  for the past couple of days i self-isolated, meaning i purposefully avoided interaction with my online friends and it did nothing but i was just feeling super overwhelmed thinking about my future and starting a friend-less new school year which happens to be year 12, and all i can use to discuss my mental and emotional state is with the word 'weird' because i have no idea to describe it or identify what's going on in my head  but anyway, i hope you're doing well and enjoying your summer  i wish there was an inbox feature on here or something so we can talk privately because the forums feel very public to me!   ... View more

hey @celestialdreamer   thank you so much for your advice and reassurance. your own story is super inspiring! what makes me the most scared is that i don't know the girls pretty much at all and when i did some research on how to make friends at school it was recommended i go to 'friends of friends' if that makes sense. they'd probably wonder why it's them i wanted to approach, but anyway. yeah, i feel like a support system would be beneficial especially for this year, and there are some people who are totally happy being alone and self-suffiicient but i just don't think that's me at all. being with people i get along with makes me feel this sense of safety. thank you for believing in me, you're so sweet! <3 i think i can do this too. i haven't made new friends in so long i forgot how to do it (lol), but i think my go-to is to approach one of those girls when it's just me and them in class and ask them if i could sit with them and their friends for the year. the stress about the whole thing is hard not to think about and so far this summer holiday it's taking a toll on my mood, i've been feeling pretty down these past couple of weeks. i'm so glad to hear you're still close to that group you approached! that's so wholesome <3 ... View more

thank u @Hannah-RO <3 hope u have a lovely christmas!!! ... View more

Lost_Space_Explorer5  i'll be sure to keep u updated! expect to hear back from me in a few months :) ... View more

Lost_Space_Explorer5  i'm sorry you've been alone recently in uni :( i would like to think those girls would be welcoming if they knew i was losing my last friend, but they definitely don't so that's kinda comforting too. i tried to imagine how i'd react if someone came up to me and said 'hey priya, can i hang out with you? you seem really cool' and i think i would feel like i was on the spot but i would probably say 'sure, of course!' yes it is interesting i've been in basically the exact same situation! i'm not sure how i managed my emotions then, i was at a really low point and couldn't take the loneliness anymore, so i immediately found a group of friends who i figured already liked me, to ask if i could sit with them.  thank you for offering you're support, you've been so helpful :) and same with me being shy! i'm proud of myself though because i don't feel as uncomfortable as i used to talking to people i didn't know too well in class, putting myself out there in general etc. i think a part of me is hoping people will notice i'm alone and invite me to hang out with them, but i should be careful of those kinds of expectations, people can't read minds. ... View more

  @hunginc wrote: @priyaaaa Outstanding. Hardwork pays off thank you! ... View more

recieving a scholarship! ... View more