Borderline Personality Disorder/Dialectical Behavioural Therapy

@CasKat91 I also wish I had a friend like this. I've lost lots of people I used to go to for support, this was mostly last year before I had professional support and a diagnosis. But even when I did tell people my diagnosis, they still decided I was too much. These people would suddenly just cut all contact, and it still upsets me because it's my fault for being like this. 

@loves netball please let me reassure you that it is most certainly not your fault. I'm sorry to hear that some people have reacted badly to your diagnosis, but I promise you it (and those people) do not define or decrease your worth in any way.

How do I find somewhere for DBT?

My last psychologist (who is on leave and possibly the most helpful I've seen so far), thought I was too ongoing for private psychology. I've interpreted that as being too needy for people.

@letitgo how is it not my fault when I did things for people to not want contact with me anymore? I know I can look at it as the mental illness taking over, but I still did those things and I have to accept responsibility for my actions

Hey @loves netball! Just wanted to add to what @Alison5's brought up about how psychologists use "too ongoing" - I work as an admin at a psyc clinic, and I agree - generally speaking it's only something that gets raised when a psychologist is concerned that they're not in the right position to support a patient's recovery (note that this does not necessarily mean that they aren't making a difference, it's just that they think they've gotten stuck in the triage phase and you're no longer recovering).

You mentioned that you found them to be one of the most helpful psychologists so far, but it's possible that they don't know how helpful they've been. It might be worthwhile to discuss this with them after they come back from leave. Or just ask them what they meant by "too ongoing"! A therapeutic relationship is like any other - it works better when everybody's on the same page.

Also, I have to say that I have a huge amount of respect for your sense of responsibility! (Note: I still don't think you're at fault though. Mental Illness can make monsters out of the best of us, and even the best of us have off-days.) I actually used to be a crisis counsellor though, so I feel like I have to play devil's advocate a little here- it's possible that they might not have meant to call you selfish at all. And I don't mean that in a "they've been thinking it, they just didn't intend to say it" kind of way. I mean it in a "they didn't meant to call you selfish at all" kind of way.  

The truth is, triage is hard. On both ends. (Although having been on both sides, I can say that the receiving end is a fair bit pointier, and much scarier.) My old counselling shifts ran for almost twelve hours from dusk till dawn, and there have been times when I've lain down on the floor of the office at 4 in the morning praying for the shift to end, because my nerves  were shot from just finishing a 2 and a half hour long call and oh my god, I'm so tired, you guys. You basically end up drunk on fatigue, and people end up saying things that they don't mean, and snapping at people undeservedly. Triage may have told you that "you're selfish", but odds are that they really meant "Oh god, I need to be asleep so badly right now".

People go into triage for one reason and one reason only- to help others. So I doubt they actually meant to call you selfish. It's pretty likely that they were taking their exhaustion out on you rather than actually intending anything meaningful.

I knew it would be me who is too sensitive, which is why I wish I was dead by now, like I should be. Everything is always my fault

See, that's actually where I would draw the line of responsibility, personally. One of the smartest things I ever learned in therapy was that people can't choose how they feel.

People don't choose to be depressed or anxious. After all, if it were truly a choice, who would willingly choose to be miserable all the time? I doubt you chose to be sensitive either, so I don't think you can be faulted for that.

What we can choose, is how we think and act upon our emotions. It's obviously possible to interpret being called selfish by triage as being an indication that you really are selfish - but it's also possible to interpret it as the triage people just venting after a long day, without meaning anything really personal. Because people are just generally terrible at communicating stuff clearly, we have to look at the evidence to see which interpretation is the most accurate...and personally, I'm inclined to believe the latter, since I've actually seen you taking time to care and support other members on the forum despite having your own fair share to deal with. I forget where I saw it, but I think you actually mentioned somewhere that you found it easier to care for others than you did for yourself; and if that's not the definition of self-LESS then I don't know what is.

Hey @loves netball, in regards to places for DBT, that would depend on what state you're in. If you're in Melbourne, I know there's a place called The Melbourne DBT centre, and you can take a look at their website here.

Thank you @CasKat91 and @loves netball for sharing your experiences in this area!

I have often heard that a diagnosis of BPD can bring with it a negative stereotype, and in fact DBT was created in part because some mental health professionals are daunted by the complexities of BPD. I hope you've been able to find a professional who doesn't subscribe to that sterotype. Is there anything you do, or you think you could do, to alleviate that? 

I think this is a truly amazing thread and i am very very happy this exists!

• What are your experiences with a personality disorder (PD), whether your own or someone you know?

Well, i was a carer, partner, best friend and favourite person to a person living with BPD for many years, so i can say that i have experienced what it's like second hand.... at least for one person

I also was a mental health advocate for many years and worked a lot with people living with BPD to help them tell services what they needed and to make sure the services gave them what they asked for too!

What therapies/skills have helped you with it?

DBT is amazing.

I think that my perspective is one of a carer and a mental health professional.

In my professional life this is probably something that i use a lot.

Particularly this bit:

• Be respectful.
  Show empathy and a caring attitude.
  Be consistent and reliable.
  Listen and pay attention to the person when they describe their current experience and take it seriously.
  Validate the person’s current emotional state and allow the person to express strong emotions.
  Maintain a non-judgemental attitude.
  Stay calm.
  Communicate clearly.
  Express hope about the person’s capacity for change and give encouragement, but don’t give false
  assurances about the ease and speed of recovery.

I am by no means perfect at any of it (nobody is) but i do try pretty hard!

I also really like this comic because i think it sums up a lot of what i have learned in my personal life with a best friend living with Borderline - even though its Waaaaaaaay to simple.

@Ben-RO that comic makes me want to cry