recovery isn't linear (but it's happening) (tw suicide, self harm)
I wasn't sure where to post this, but it's in the tough times section so people can avoid anything I might say about suicidal thoughts/SH etc. I hope that's okay.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about how recovery isn't a straight line, and how maybe that's okay, and how to come to terms with the idea of a) recovery not being linear and b) the idea that certain aspects of my mental illness are chronic and I will NOT recover from them, although I may learn to manage them. And I just wanted...insight? Or advice? For how other people have dealt with recovery and stuff? Idk exactly.
Right now I have ups and downs, I know things in my life are improving and I can honestly see a future for myself. But at the same time, I still get super suicidal (to the point of almost attempting) and yesterday I started self harming again after being clean for a couple of weeks. For at least half of every day, I just feel enormous pain, sadness and loneliness, however I think my mood in general is a bit better? Idk. I'm nervous or scared all the time. Living with my parents is making things worse, but coming out to myself as androgyne, bi and polyamorous has made things a lot better, as has taking some tiny steps towards transitioning. Counselling, study, and writing are all helping me enormously, especially because my counsellor is AWESOME. 
I feel in my my heart that I AM recovering and that I DO have a future. But that doesn't make it much easier to deal with the anxiety attacks, meltdowns, and the pain and hurt of depression. I'm beginning to realise that whatever happens, I will still always live with anxiety and probably depression, though hopefully only in episodes.
It's a tough road, but it's not the end of the line. I just need to figure out how to keep going.
Comments
Great thread btw. I can relate a lot to it.
Completely unrelated question: you mentioned coming out to yourself as polyamorous @DruidChild - I kind of know what that means, but also kind of don't. Are there any good resources you could point me in the direction of so I can understand a bit better?
Slightly less unrelated question: it's awesome that writing helps you. What kind of writing do you do? Stream of conciousness? Something more structured? I used to write a lot, in like a kind of journal format, but that works less for me now so I'd like to experiment.
I hope you got some sleep last night @redhead 
I look forward to talking to you here whenever you feel up to it 🙂
Hey @roseisnotaplant,
Yeah, sure thing! This article could be a good place to start, and this one might not be as relevant to you, but it was one that helped me out a lot. Basically polyamory is where you have/would like to have multiple partners or ethical relationships that aren't monogamous. It's not a sexual orientation so I actually don't know if I should be using the term coming out - let me know if you're uncomfortable with that! But definitely it seems like some people are more attracted to the idea of polyamory than others.
Writing is so good, hey?! I like to write short stories and kind of...prose? Poetry? I guess?? I actually find stream of consciousness kind of difficult, I like using analogies and characters to structure it a bit more 🙂 I think writing is really powerful because you can take back control of your own story and narrative. What kinds of things do you think you could do to get back in to writing? Sometimes I find a writing prompt online and use my experiences to shape a story...that could be a good restarting point?
Thanks for those links @DruidChild, I feel much less ignorant now 😛 I think coming out is a totally fine term to use, but I'm by no means an authority.
Writing is definitely powerful - I started a book of Mary Oliver poetry today and now I'm feeling all existential 😛 I like throwing characters into situations similar to the ones I'm in and seeing what happens, but often that turns into a long rambly word doc that doesn't make much sense. I guess that's fine if I'm just using it to process stuff though. I might try some online prompts - like a 30 day challenge or something? - to see if that helps get me back into the swing of things, because I'm ususally in a better headspace if I'm writing regularly.
Here's a link to John Green saying that progress isn't a straight line, which is pretty much a synonym for recovery not being linear. The video's mostly about boxing though 😛
I'm glad they were helpful @roseisnotaplant 🙂
Omg I love Mary Oliver so much!!! Do you have a favourite poem of hers?
That's cool, tbh it doesn't really matter if it makes sense, as long as it's helpful to you and enjoyable 🙂 I think a writing challenge or writing prompts is a great idea!! Maybe I should do that as well...hmm...Good luck with it!
I'll check that video out! Thanks so much for the link 🙂 John Green seems like a pretty cool guy.
Today ended up being really hard, my counselling appointment got cancelled and I don't seem to cope well with routine changes, I tried calling Lifeline but they were so unhelpful 😞 Still, I was eventually able to calm myself down and be okay by remaining myself of the ocean metaphor and how even though the seas were really rough right now, I knew that they would eventually be calm again. I do waaaaay too much public hysterical sobbing 
I'm also trying to remember some of the stuff that I'm learning about in my classes, about how health isn't necessarily the same as wellness. Like I can suffer from depression (have ill health) but by learning how to cope with it and take care of myself I can still be 'well.'
@DruidChild you just nailed it in that last sentence... So completely true. And not that all our journeys are the same but the day I learnt that positive little lesson was the first day of my new life 🙂 Amazing insight thanks for sharing..
Did your counsellor give you an upcoming replacement appointment time?
It's cool to hear that that perspective has been helpful for someone else too @Bree-RO 🙂 Thanks!
I'm just going to skip this week and see her as usual next week. It shouldn't be a huge deal, I just felt really overwhelmed by the idea of coping for a whole week without seeing anyone. Plus I was really sad because, and I'm sure it wasn't intended meanly because she's a really lovely, supportive person, but she texted me using my birth name instead of my chosen name and it just made me sad because I'm ridiculous 😞
@DruidChild Nahhh not ridiculous at all 🙂 Maybe remind the counsellor that your preferred name is "x" .. It's like I prefer my nickname to the full name on my birth cert and if a colleague or similar used any other name I would most definitely correct them. You're doing so well, definitely don't be hard on yourself about stuff like that I think people just slip up and forget at times .. What do you think?
Hey @DruidChild just jumping in here to say that I am so happy that you're noticing all these general improvements, and while I know it can still be hard, you've done - and are doing - so well!
@DruidChild thanks for sharing that story, so insightful. @redhead I thought this experience could help you at the mo 🙂
Have you guys ever heard the analogy about how the rocket got to the moon? Life's kind of like that. It doesn't hit the moon in a linear way, it dodges debris and asteroids, constantly shifting its coordinates. With mental health, there's a lot more of that debris at times, but it makes recovery so much sweeter huh..? So stoked with you @DruidChild 🙂
Any further ideas on how to keep on pushing through over the coming weeks?
Thanks @Bree-RO 🙂
I haven't heard that analogy before, that's cool. In fact I didn't know rocket ships did that, it's interesting! Personally I like thinking about it like an ocean. Sometimes it's stormy and there's huge waves, and sometimes it's calm and gentle, but it's still always the ocean and being stormy or rough doesn't make it any less beautiful or needed 🙂 (in other news, I like to romanticise things way too much )
Ideas for pushing through...
- I'm going to do my best to keep going to classes and keep doing the work, I know that achieving good results in these units will really help in the long run, even if it's tough to put in the effort and concentration.
- I want to keep remembering the good things that my sadness and loneliness has given me.
- I'm seeing a psychiatrist this week, so maybe that will help as well somehow...
- Staying in safe places when I'm out and doing self care even if I don't feel like it.
- Keep listening to my fave playlist which is King, Flares, Looking Too Closely, Bird Set Free, Hold On, and Scars To Your Beautiful 🙂
I want to move out of my parent's house, but I know I couldn't afford to and it's really frustrating 😞 Cause I know that if I lived away from home I'd get more exercise because I'd dance and walk early in the morning and stuff, I'd have a better sleep routine, I'd be less anxious, I'd probably have better relationships with family members and I really want that. But youth allowance only pays me enough to live just under the poverty line, so...
I'm sorry for making such long, tmi posts 😞 I'm in a weird 'must talk and talk and talk and talk and talk' mood atm. 😞
@redhead if you want to chat about this stuff together I'm more than happy to, maybe we can help each other out a bit 🙂
