Relationships with males
I'm a bit scared when it comes to relationships with males. Because I'm scared if I start talking to someone, I'll start liking them more. And then I'll hurt myself because they won't like me back the same. Which I've done a few times. I think I just am lonely so I'll take an attention I can get and then assume they like me.
Like how am I supposed to know when it's ok to message someone individually and what's normal to say? Is it ok to just say you haven't seen them for a while and ask how they are? But then you have been chatting on that level with others. So they might assume I like them but it's just friends.
I'm just scared I'll hurt someone or myself again. And that's making me question everything I do. And every interaction I have with a male.
I'm not sure how much sense I'm making. But I just want to know what boundaries people make when talking with people of the opposite sex.
And how friends with girls should be different with boys. Like obviously you can't have the same types of conversations and share as much. Idk
Hey there @Lemon_Dolphin 
Yeah, sadly the boundary between a platonic and romantic relationship is blurred for some people. Even if it's not just talking or messaging but also just by hanging out.
The usual boundaries I have when talking to my male and female friends are that I don't talk about their love life unless they mentioned it, keep the topic of the conversation within a set amount of minutes and then move to another topic, and understanding the purpose and intention of what you want to say (because this important part allows you to understand what boundaries others and yourself are putting with.
Hope this helps!
Hey @Orchid_Mallard yeah, sometimes it can be hard discerning between the two.
I'm a more thoughtful person, so I like the deeper conversations. And quite a few of the males I talk to are the same. So it gets hard when you're having these complex conversations that you're both passionate about. And then not knowing if the relationships more than it is.
And then I feel bad talking to another male, even though we're just friends. Cause I feel like I'm just jumping from one to the other. I don't even know why I'd feel that way.
Hey there @Lemon_Dolphin 
Yeah...both types of relationships sometimes just really blurs with each other.
I feel like I had a pretty similar situation as you. For me during middle to high school duration, I had some male friends too. And that we had similar interests like games, digital arts, and anime/manga. The more I talked to them, it seemed that maybe a relationship could happen in between us.
But the more I had talked with them in different durations of my middle/high school period or that we just grew up a bit more, that a barrier/boundary of sort kinda builds up. And that it made me realise that the boundary creates the distinction between a romantic and platonic relationship. Like it is a feeling.
Maybe it's also like a guilt thing from jumping one to another? Like we were basically told by older people that friend groups are better set within gender.
@Orchid_Mallard yeah, I get that.
Do you think it's more of a generation thing when it comes to having friends of the other sex? Cause I feel like it's definitely becoming quite normal. And I guess it probably wasn't the same with my parents.
Personally, I do think it is both cultural, generation, and environment thing when it's about the separation of sex in platonic relationships.
Like when I went to primary school in Hong Kong, friend groups were very much separated into sex. Girls with girls, boys with boys. I had a male friend/classmate at the time, but the friendship only happened because we lived in the same neightbourhood.
If I didn't live in the same neightbourhood, not in the same class, and even to the point of not being in the same school, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been his friend.
It was probably when I studied overseas, I noticed that male and female platonic relationships was very common and that it has a much different dynamic there compared to a same sex platonic relationship.
Hey @Lemon_Dolphin , it's nice to chat again!!
First off, I totally hear you. Relationships, both platonic and romantic, can be pretty challenging to navigate. You often find yourself asking what's okay and what's not, what the boundaries are, whether people like you the same way you like them, whether you can have expectations or if you'll just feel let down. But I think it's important to remember that even though relationships can be stressful, they're also equally wonderful!
Fear of messing things up and getting hurt or hurting others is very natural, and it shows that you're a person who has a lot of care in your heart. I think you really owe it to yourself to talk to and form relationships with people who make you happy! All those things you've mentioned about talking to guys sound perfectly fine to me. Of course, friendships and relationships look a little different for everyone, though. What do they look like for you? What do you feel makes a friendship with a guy different to something more?
Hey @PeelingOranges
I think I maybe just need to come up with some boundaries. Like how much I want to share. The problem is, I assume more, then share more when I probably shouldn't be.
I agree with them being wonderful when you get them right.
I'm not really sure anymore. Cause I keep assuming they like me more than just as a friend. And I keep doing it.
I think friends don't get to see all the vulnerable stuff but when you're in a relationship, you show it so they see all of you. And there's a deeper level of love for each other.
What do you think the difference is in your opinion?
@Lemon_Dolphin Setting boundaries for communication is definitely important and a really great place to start! I think it's important not to feel guilty when you share more than other people- everyone has different levels that they like to share, and that doesn't make anyone wrong. If you're worried about whether you're overstepping the other person's boundaries, it's perfectly okay to just ask! Stuff like "hey, is it okay if I talk about X" or "are you comfortable if I share my feelings about Y" might feel weird to ask, but I promise it's normal and really effective 🙂 Have you tried having conversations with any of your friends about each other's boundaries?
And about the unreciprocated feelings- I understand. It can feel somewhat shameful or embarassing to feel a certain way about people and believe they might return it, only to be wrong. But I think it's important to be kind to ourselves and also feel proud for being brave enough to like people and go for it anyway!! Life's short and we're here to be vulnerable and try our best, even if we might trip a little along the way. Disappointment, hurt, and embarassment are hard to go through, but should we really prevent those bad things by denying ourselves the possibility of good things..?
I see the difference between a friendship and a relationship pretty similarly to you. For me, a relationship is a stronger committment where both sides have to be ready to compromise and build our lives around each other, and that means sticking around even through all the ugly and vulnerable parts. I think it also really comes down to intention as well. You mentioned being concerned about how talking to guys is different- do you feel like there's a change in the way you communicate, or that there needs to be a change?
@PeelingOranges yeah, asking whether they would be ok with me talking about certain things might be good, with my other friends too.
True, I guess I shouldn't be worrying about getting it wrong so much as not trying. And I need to remember that there can be good things come out of it, not just bad when I mess up.
I think most people don't think sharing feelings and harder things with people of the opposite sex is a great idea. But the problem is, sometimes it's just a lot easier to. And they get it in a different way.
@Lemon_Dolphin Yep, definitely- there really are good things that come out of it! We can't experience the rewards of life without being willing to have a little risk😉
I hear what you're saying about sharing feelings with the opposite sex. It can feel like the kind of vulnerability that's meant for romantic relationships instead of platonic ones. But do you yourself feel that way? If it makes you feel better, I totally understand how it's sometimes easier to talk to guys about this stuff. My friendship group in high school was half girls and half guys, and I used to talk a lot about these things with my guy friends. It's all about intention, really- a deep conversation doesn't have to mean something romantic if you don't have that intention. I might see things a little differently since I'm bi, but to me, people are just people, and I can be friends with them regardless of their gender as long as I'm clear about my own intentions and communicate them! What're your thoughts on intention?
@PeelingOranges yeah, I totally agree that you should be able to have these types of conversations with boys. My parents don't seem to agree with me though.
I think intention is important. Like why are you sharing these things? But then I think it's also important to communicate your intentions so they don't get the wrong ideas.
@Lemon_Dolphin Exactly, we seem to have really similar ideas about this! I think it's okay if your parents don't agree- not to overgeneralise, but the older generation tends to have different ideas about guy-girl friendships that we don't really have to agree with😉 Understandings about gender and relationships have come a long way, and it's okay to feel differently to them!
And yes, communicating is really the best thing we can do to make sure people don't get the wrong idea. Do you feel like making your intentions clear would help you feel better about talking about deeper things with them? How do you feel about asking other people to clarify their intentions too?
@PeelingOranges I agree. I think being on a different generation changes things a lot when it comes to being friends with boy and boys with girls.
Yeah, I hate discussing intentions. It just seems so weird. But it's probably something to think about whether it's worth doing.
I think also being a different type of person changes things too. Like some people are just more reflective and deep while other people are more outgoing and focused on the present. So they don't get it to much. Or think I'm over sharing. So it depends on the other person's personality.
@Lemon_Dolphin I get it, it can feel strange to explicitly state something that feels like it should just be kept in your head! But I guess sharing what's in your head helps keep everyone on the same page, so it's worth thinking about, like you said.
That's a good point, personality does come into it too. I like that you recognise that other people might have a different attitude towards being reflective and talking about feelings- I think it helps to take the blame off yourself. Other people's personalities just might not be aligned with it- that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or the way you communicate! And having to take a step back and adapt to the other person doesn't mean you overshared initially, it just means that you might not click with them on that level and that's perfectly okay. Do you feel like you can connect better emotionally with the guys you talk to?
Yeah, most the boys I talk to are fine with sharing things like that. Except one moved recently for study. And another I haven't seen for quite a while now. So that changes things.
@Lemon_Dolphin I see. So is there a particular person who is making you question things, or is it just a more general worry?
@PeelingOranges I mean, I guess it's more one person than the others. But still a bit with every relationship with a male.
@Lemon_Dolphin Yeah that makes sense. Do you find that they also talk about these deeper things with you? Was there anything in particular about the way they respond to you that made you feel like you've crossed a boundary?
@PeelingOranges I don't think it's feeling like I've crossed a boundary, cause I'm not sure I do think I have. I think I'm scared other people will think I have and assume something that's not true.
@Lemon_Dolphin Totally get you. I think that's true for a lot of contexts- feeling like you haven't done anything wrong by your own standards or values, but feeling worried that other people will interpret it incorrectly, or judge you by different standards and assume you've done the wrong thing. I believe in times like these, it's so important to reflect on your own values and beliefs and stick to them. If you're clear about your own boundaries and can explain your behaviour to yourself and feel okay about it, what other people think matters far less. They don't know you, they don't know the nuances of your relationships, and their judgement doesn't reflect on you. Have you experienced misunderstanding and judgement from others before?
@PeelingOranges that's so true.
Yeah, I feel like my mum does a lot. My dad does too but nowhere near as much.
@Lemon_Dolphin I feel you! I love my mum, but sometimes she falls into a bit of a "mother knows best" kind of mentality. How have you dealt with this in the past?
@PeelingOranges I agree. I don't know. I kind of just try not to let her choose my life cause I'm old enough to make decisions. And if she judges me, I guess it's ok. Cause I'm the one doing this life.
