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Anxiety for Formal

Hey Guys, I didn't really know where to do this but here seems most appropriate. 

 

I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety around my year 12 formal that's next week. The whole event has had me stressed to the max, because I always thought I would skip it, but my parents have made me go. 

I'm one of two people going solo to the event which just feels awkward and worrisome on its own but I'm also the only 'female' (I'm not out as trans non-binary) wearing a suit and arriving on a motorbike. I am already so out there wearing pants instead of skirts and looking so weird (to their eyes) so I don't want to have the school (catholic school) disapprove of my attire, which they have done so previously.

The whole arrival has me on edge, going over the situations on my mind of what people will think, why they think that. I already know people think I'm weird because i don't speak in public, so would they think it's weird for me to come? Saying why I would come if I have Social Anxiety?

What does the formal entail? Is it eating and dancing? What if I go there and don't do anything? I can't dance so it'll be boring. I'll be the only person with no friends and I don't like to eat in public. 

I also have a phobia of balloons and I've asked people if there will be balloons, and they think so. I really do not want to have a panic attack in front of everyone. 

 

I really don't know what to do or what strategies i can do minimise these thoughts. Can someone please help me?

Lee101
Lee101Posted 27-08-2022 05:04 PM

Comments

 
Magnolia
MagnoliaPosted 29-08-2022 01:34 PM

Hey. I'm really sorry that you're going through that. Is it possible for you to go with someone you can rely on for emotional support. If not your parents, maybe a sibling or a cousin  or a close friend outside of the school? 

When I went to my formal, we went to a park to take photos and then to the function centre to have the dancing and dinner. Try to ask the school what they'll do. If they have a before event, maybe just go to that and skip the parts you don't look.

I don't agree with your parents idea of tough love. In my experience that seems to make things worse. Are you seeing a psychologist? Maybe you could have them tell your parents not to do that. Can you voice that to them? 

I really hope things work out for you. You were really brave to post this.

 
Courtney-RO
Courtney-ROPosted 27-08-2022 08:45 PM

Hi @Lee101 and thank you for being brave and sharing with us today!

I'm so sorry to hear that you have been dealing with a lot of anxiety around your year 12 formal. That does sound like a lot of stress and pressure to be managing right now. I do want to say though, that no matter what your school think of your chosen attire, the fact that you have found something that you are comfortable in and that makes you feel good in yourself, that is huge in itself and you should be really proud of that!

You mentioned that your parents are making you go, so I was just wondering if you have spoken to them about your concerns? Do you think they would be open to a compromise and maybe even consider picking you up a bit earlier so you won't have to be there too long?

I can hear that you have a lot of questions around what to expect so I am just wondering if there is someone that you would feel comfortable asking about this? Is there maybe a teacher that you like that you would feel comfortable emailing or chatting to after class? Formal's can be really hard to prepare for as it can be different for every school. In my experience, as I went to an all female school it wasn't unusual for students to attend solo but we did have to sit down on tables assigned by the school and eat dinner (that we had paid for earlier). Though I know that everyone's experience is different. Do you know of anyone you might be able to ask for more information on the night? 

If you ever want to talk to someone, I suggest reaching out to a support service like Kids Helpline or QLife who are both available via phone or webchat.

I just want to remind you that you're not alone and we're all here for you 💜

 
 
Lee101
Lee101Posted 27-08-2022 09:01 PM

Thank you@Courtney-RO

 

Yes, my parents know I am uncomfortable with going and stuff. They are doing the tough love thing by pushing me to go to improve my anxiety. 

I don't really feel comfortable talking to any of the teachers. There's a lot around that that makes it hard to talk to a teacher and for them to understand or give me the answers I need. 

 

I do remember that we've been assigned tables and mine is full of all females (plus someone's boyfriend) who aren't apart of the popular group. I would have preferred to hang out with the guys who I am sorta friends (of a friends) with but I couldn't do it to them. Having a random person sitting on their conversations, that would have made it more worrisome. 

I've tried to get information but the schools been a little lax. Mostly got all the info from students.

I don't know what to do. I was feeling so much more comfortable in myself, my identity and its now falling downhill. And I'm questioning my ability to even be able to get through life if I can't even go to an event.

Thank you for the reply though. 

 
 
 
Dem--RO
Dem--ROPosted 28-08-2022 12:24 PM

Hi @Lee101

 

I'm so incredibly sorry that you are feeling so much stress and anxiety about this, I know you really liked the suit that you got for the formal! 

 

How are you feeling today? Sorry to ask, but I want to check-in and see if there was any chance that you might harm yourself?

 

As last Friday was Wear It Purple Day - Did you sense if other students were supportive of this at all?

 

Seeing as you don't feel comfortable talking to any of the teachers, is there someone specific that is responsible for the organising, and would you feel comfortable speaking to them? Or is there an option to have your mum or dad call the school and make the enquiries on your behalf, so that you can feel better prepared for the evening? 

 

Here are some articles on panic attacks, anxiety, and This Way Up has a short online course on Social Anxiety. I also want to reiterate how great QLife are, and they offer webchat as well if you're not up for talking to someone over the phone. 

 

Take care of yourself, and please let us know how you're feeling 💜

 

 

 
 
 
 
Lee101
Lee101Posted 28-08-2022 11:42 PM

Hello @Dem--RO

Thank you for replying.

 

Umm, today I didn't do much so I had a lot of time to think which made me worry a bit. Thank you for checking in but I do not intend on harming myself.

 

Yeah, I knew it was (last Friday) but I didn't see any recognition from the school at all about it. I didn't expect it really. 

Umm, I don't know who to go to really. I'm at this weird stage where I left the school for a year and came back and it's all changed. The dynamic is different and most the teachers have left. Those who are still there, I just don't want to disappoint them with me showing up in a suit, coming to the night, not coming, me being not social being seen as an attack that I don't care about the school. I just don't think I should get my parents involved in something so trivial. 

Thank you for the chat and links, have looked at them all and am using QLife for anything and everything so I may hit them up. 

 
 
 
 
 
Iona_RO
Iona_ROPosted 29-08-2022 02:01 PM

Hey @Lee101

First of all I want to say how cool I think you wearing a suit and turning up on a motorbike sounds! Do you have a suit you want to wear already or are you going to get something especially for formal? I think you'll look amazing!! 🤵🏍

 

But also understand that unfortunately there are still some narrow-minded people out there (imagine being someone who gets offended by what other people wear, so ridiculous!) and can completely understand the anxiety you'd feel because of that. I think going to formal can be pretty anxiety-inducing to most people, so you're doing really well to be coping with that on top of everything that comes with being trans non-binary in a space that isn't always supportive. Minus18 has a really great article with tips on 'how to be queer at your school formal' that might be helpful to have a read through. The queer formals they organise always look amazinggg too! Maybe that's something you could plan to go to in the future too 🌈

 
 
 
 
 
Lee101
Lee101Posted 29-08-2022 04:09 PM

Hello @Iona_RO 

 

Thank you very much. It was first time getting a suit. I’ve always wanted one but never got to because of gender expectations and my sensitivity to heat. The suit tailor I went to was very amazing withthe service as there were two women that made me more comfortable with the fittings. 

Thank you for the link, it was an amazing read and it helped a lot. I appreciate all the help and advice. 😊

 
 
 
 
 
Dem--RO
Dem--ROPosted 03-09-2022 12:38 PM

Hey @Lee101 

 

I'm just checking in 💜💛 

 

Did the formal happen already?

 

Just reach out if you need to talk this out some more.

 

I'm really glad that you're happy with your suit, and I'm sure you'll be able to wear it to job interviews in the future 🙂

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Lee101
Lee101Posted 03-09-2022 01:06 PM

Thank you @Dem--RO 

 

Yeah, it happened last night. It was what I thought it was. Boring and full of anxiety. There were a lot of balloons and it was hard to not freak out so I went to the disabled toilets a lot. I wasn't able to go into the group photos because it was in front of the balloons which they kept popping them. The principal found me in the toilets which made me shake uncontrollably. 

However, the principal, of the catholic school, was telling me how proud she was of me coming and showing up in a suit. Because her daughter is queer and wasn't able to come out at school and wanted to wear a suit and bring their partner, so she felt that am an 'inspiration' to people. So that was nice. 

The Facebook comments were very positive with a couple of 'queer' people posting positive things. Though it doesn't directly relate to my experience (as I wouldn't call myself queer), I definitely felt the support from the LGBTQIA+ community. 

If I were to do it again, I wouldn't go but I love the suit and will definitely fill my wardrobe with them. 

 
 
 
 
 
Dem--RO
Dem--ROPosted 03-09-2022 01:36 PM

Awwwww @Lee101 Big Big Hugs! I'm so proud of you!! 💖

 

You did really awesome, despite all the anxiety and balloon popping, you were able to meet this challenging situation and you need to give yourself serious points for your courage!

 

And I agree with your principal, you are an inspiration, as what you have done helps to break down barriers for others in the grades below you for when its their time for formals.

 

Can you do something nice for yourself to celebrate?

 

 
 
 
 
 
Lee101
Lee101Posted 03-09-2022 06:38 PM

Thank you!!! @Dem--RO 

 

Yeah, I'm glad it's over. I don't know what to do to celebrate. I'll think about it.

 
 
 
 
 
Courtney-RO
Courtney-ROPosted 03-09-2022 10:25 PM

Hey @Lee101, It sounds like last night was a really tough night so I just want to say well done for giving it a try! Like @Dem--RO and your Principal have already said, that would have taken so much courage to do what you did and I think you should be really proud of yourself! How do you feel now that it's over? In terms of celebrating, I think it's definitely important to do something nice for yourself after such a stressful time. Is there something that you enjoy doing or that makes you feel really good about yourself? I think you really deserve something nice after everything you've been through 💜

 
 
 
 
 
Lee101
Lee101Posted 03-09-2022 11:22 PM

Yes, @Courtney-RO 

last night was hard. Had a pain in my chest all night and could stop shaking my right hand. But I feel a lot better after it. I am worrying about what people will say about me at school next week especially as I ran out the room shaking and holding my ears. A very vulnerable moment. So I’m trying not to think about that but of course, late nights, it happens. 

Ah, I just like playing video games and writing stories. So having alone time to do that is always fun. 

 
 
 
 
 
Dem--RO
Dem--ROPosted 04-09-2022 01:30 PM

Hey @Lee101 

 

It's good that you took some time for yourself to play video games and write, that's some really awesome self-care 🌻

 

I completely understand that you were holding your ears because of the balloons popping, I'm the exact same with loud noises and will cover my ears when an emerg. vehicle goes speeding by.

 

You're right, late nights are very tricky for thoughts. Have you had a look at any meditation apps to help shift your focus when your mind starts to go in that direction? I'll pop a link to some Mindfulness info here, just to give you a starting point if it interests you.

 

And please let us know how the week goes when you're back at school, we're always here if you need some support 💖

 
 
 
 
 
Lee101
Lee101Posted 05-09-2022 09:39 PM

Hey @Dem--RO 

 

Thanks for the advice. I've looked into the mindfulness videos. I don't know if they help but it was a nice few minutes.

In terms of school, no one said anything out of the ordinary but I did notice something different than normal. I have this feeling in my chest. It's very hard to explain but it's like a straining, pulling my chest/heart forward as well as down. Sounds weird but I know this is the response to my anxiety. It happens when I am panicking and overwhelmed usually in a social setting that triggers me. But today I felt it, all day. It is never longer than an hour but today it lasted the entire day. So I asked myself what am I anxious about? but I couldn't give myself a definite answer, not in the moment. I'mma assume it's just generalised anxiety and stress from a number of things and my body's tired of it. But if you know what I'm talking about, I'm open to suggestions on what it is. 

I have exams this week, that's why I answered this post early but I think I am fine. Thank you for all the help. 

 
 
 
 
 
Bre-RO
Bre-ROPosted 06-09-2022 12:18 PM

Hey @Lee101 I've just had a read through your thread, and I wanted to chime in to acknowledge how difficult coping with anxiety can be. I'm sorry to hear you've been experiencing chest tightness - that must be pretty uncomfortable. 

 

It sounds like you're really trying to get to the bottom of where your anxiety stems from. If you're comfortable opening up, I'm wondering if you've ever spoken to a GP about your anxiety symptoms. Do you think it would be helpful to chat with a counsellor or psychologist about this stuff? 

 

I'm not sure if this is something you'd be interested in, but we have a thread all about anxiety (and how/ where to get support for it). I'd recommend checking it out if you think it would be helpful 🙂

 

How do you feel about exams? 

 

We're here through this stressful end-of-school period, so drop in whenever you feel you could use some support! 

 
 
 
 
 
Lee101
Lee101Posted 07-09-2022 11:39 PM

Hello @Bre-RO 

 

 

Thank you for the reply. I have talked about it with a GP when I was like 11 and had medication for it previously but I didn’t like the side effects so I stopped taking them. 
but I would like to see a psychologist for a number of reasons.

Especially will being able to come out to my family and be more confident. I’ve been trying to get into University but am having trouble with the online applications and really want my parents help but they’ll see that I’ve enrolled under half of my name (Lee) and left my gender unspecified so I’m worried about that conversation. The last time my mum caught me using Lee, she said I was trying to be cool and going through some phase. She felt it was unprofessional. It makes me really nervous about University and my future. 
A lot of times I wish so badly I was placed on this earth in another body, but we can’t do that so I’m trying to made do with my own.

 

off topic oops, thanks for the link but it didn’t seem to work otherwise I would check it out.

The exams are a little worrisome. Mostly the kids around me and teachers walking around staring at your Every move. Like today, I was writing an essay and my hand hurt so I started writing in my left hand (sorta non-dominant hand) and the supervisor kept asking if I was left handed like they didn’t believe me. I told them no so they started drilling me on why I’m writing in my left hand. It made me very uncomfortable and made me question whether to keep writing in left hand or right hand when they came past, thus I couldn’t concentrate on the actual exam question. Ugh, so it was interesting.

 

I appreciate all the advice and responses so thank you.

 
 
 
 
 
Dem--RO
Dem--ROPosted 18-09-2022 03:58 PM

Hey @Lee101 

 

I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing 🤗

 

Having a read through your post, I'm really sorry that the supervisor was hassling you over something as simple as what hand you write with! That would have made me feel uncomfortable as well.

 

Do you have a school counsellor that you can speak with about those Uni applications, and see if they can help? Otherwise, I know you have a pretty good rapport with your principal, did you want to ask her if she could either help or point you in the direction of someone that may be able to help?

 

Also, as an FYI (just in case you feel that you need to put your other name and gender to get help from your parents) you can generally update your preferred name and gender by completing a short online form via student services once you get accepted into a Uni. If you want to check on some of the places that you're applying to, just google the name of the Uni and updating personal information, and you'll get a better idea. Universities are much more open and understanding of diversity 💜💛💚💙

 

As a 2nd FYI, in case you are having issues with your anxiety, Unis do offer disability support services. You can have a chat with them about getting a Learning Access Plan (sometimes called a Study Access Plan) but usually this needs a letter from a GP/Psych though. There are Counsellors at Uni as well, but sometimes there can be a bit of a wait to see one. It was suggested at my Uni to put your name on the wait-list early and then when they offered you an appointment, if you already have other supports in place, you can just let them know and they can give that appointment to the next person on the list 😊

 
 
 
 
 
Lee101
Lee101Posted 19-09-2022 03:06 PM

Thank you @Dem--RO 

 

I am doing much better. The exams were ok. Weren't as good as I was hoping but they were just mocks so I have time to study. However, my psych exam was my best and am proud of that.

The photographer came up to me last week about the group photo at the Formal (which I missed out on because of the balloon situation) and noticed I wasn't in it and told me that they'll photoshop me in it, which I wasn't expecting. Cause I didn't think they'd care. 

 

I have enrolled in Uni and am mostly set up, just need to do the financial and I think I just need to be stronger and go to my parents. The funny thing is, over the past year I feel more mature, like almost different to how I was and I am liking it. Two days ago, for example, I caught myself in the mirror and looked at myself and saw how much I have changed. Granted I have put on weight, but with my hairstyle and facial hair growing, I feel like I am liking myself for the first time in a long time. I think I am almost ready to be Lee, unapologetically.

 

So I thank all that have posted and replied to my posts and to all those that have posted their own posts that have inspired me. Thank you.

 
 
 
 
 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 19-09-2022 11:26 PM

Hi @Lee101

 

Great to hear that you've got more time to study - is there a particular topic you'll focus on after having your mock exams? 

 

Wow that is really nice that the photographer thought to photoshop you in Smiley Happy I have to admit, it put a smile on my face knowing that you can be apart of the group photo now!

 

Awww, I am so happy to hear that you are liking yourself for the first time and feeling more mature. That is such a very special feeling. It is so amazing that you have been able to notice those changes too. It is also very kind that you chose to share them here with us too. What do you think will get you closer to being finally ready? 

 
 
 
 
 
Lee101
Lee101Posted 20-09-2022 08:29 AM

Hello @Taylor-RO 

Thanks for the reply. There's not really a specific topic, but I'm gonna focus on my General Maths since it was my lowest mark.

 

Tbh I don't know what will make me ready, I just wish I was placed in an alternate reality with a new start to introduce myself. I think my family or people that really know me will misgender me. Maybe on purpose, maybe unintentionally but I know it'll happen, as it does now, so I'm just a little worried about how my family will react. 

But when I meet new people (which is never. haha), I say my name but then add that I prefer Lee

 

So yeah, I'm getting there. 🙂 

 
 
 
 
 
Portia_RO
Portia_ROPosted 20-09-2022 03:50 PM

Hi @Lee101, I can definitely understand why you wish you could just have a fresh start to introduce yourself - it seems unfair and unreasonable that you have to re-introduce yourself to people and field all of their questions and feelings towards who you are.

 

I can hear that you're worried about being misgendered by your family too. Is there anything in particular that makes you concerned that they might do this, or is it more because they know you well and the adjustment might take them some time? I think it's so wonderful that you're telling new people that your preferred name is Lee, that in itself is a huge step. I hope it feels affirming 🥰

 
 
 
 
 
Lee101
Lee101Posted 24-09-2022 10:46 PM

Hey @Portia_RO 

 

Yeah, I'm feeling a bit better. My mind is starting to whirl with worrying thoughts again about how to just get it out there and tell everyone. I was too confident recently, and now I just don't know how to do it or what to do. I was so ready until I wasn't. It makes me feel like an indecisive child. I know when I do announce my true self, I'll feel so much better. I just don't know anymore.

 

I feel like I should see a therapist, for a range of reasons, but I don't know how to tell my parents that. It's very hard for me to talk, verbally that is, so a lot of the situations give me so much grief. 

Have any tips on how to start these conversations or go about it or am I making it too much of a bit deal? Thanks.

 
 
 
 
 
Dem--RO
Dem--ROPosted 25-09-2022 12:34 PM

Hi Lee, (@Lee101)

 

Please don't give yourself a hard time and say that you were being "too confident" - We think that you are making awesome progress and showing an enormous amount of personal strength 💗

 

I know you've mentioned before that your parents have some idea about your social anxiety, because that's why they made you go to the formal. Would you feel comfortable telling them that you'd like to see a therapist about the social anxiety? I would think that they would be really proud of you for trying to work at it. Then once you felt comfortable with the therapist, you could consider opening up about some of the other stuff. 

 

Here are some tips about talking to parents to help you start to mentally prepare. Also, have you tried any journaling or mind mapping about what you would like to say? For myself, I find putting stuff down on paper makes my thoughts clearer and easier to sort out.

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