Hi @Laura938
Welcome to the Community, I'm glad that you have reached out for support. Please know that there are others that share your experience and you are not alone.
When you are talking about being scared for your future, can I please check-in with you if you're feeling like you might harm yourself or feel unsafe at all?
It's good that you have taken the steps to get on the HRT waitlist, it takes enormous courage to start moving forward and embracing who you are 💖 Here is an article about how Emma transitioned from MTF which may be of interest to you.
Other than medical, what sort of supports do you currently have that you can rely on? If you don't already know of them, QLife is a really good free and anonymous phone and webchat service if you want to speak to someone. Please take care of yourself and let us know how everything is going for you.