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TW : A bit lost

Spoiler
suicidal thoughts

Hi I’m a trans man i guess. there’s really nowhere else to go for me, i have absolutely no support system. I’ve got friends and family but i’m not out to my family yet and I don’t get very emotional with my friends ever. i love soccer so much. and i’m really good at it. but then again i’m not. since i’m not out yet, i play in girls competitions. in those, i’m really good. but the standard for mens soccer is so much higher, so i’m really scared that when i come out i’ll have to quit soccer basically forever. this thought really scares me but so does the idea of staying closeted for years. a lot of the time i just think not being alive would be easier. i’ve never been super close to doing it but i’m at a real low right now where it’s basically all i think about (i am still currently safe and not in urgent crisis)

Almond_Chicken
Almond_ChickenPosted 22-05-2022 10:21 PM

Comments

 
autumn2742
autumn2742Posted 04-07-2022 09:54 AM

Hey @Almond_Chicken ,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. First of all, I want to say that the decision to come out is completely up to you, regarding when, if, or how you decide to come out. This is something that should be only up to you and within your control, and please do not feel pressured to come out if you are not ready. Figuring out your idenitity can be a very scary and confusing experience, but can also be an exciting one. As a trans-man myself, I can understand the experience of simultaneously being afraid of staying in the closet and coming out, so I think that it is important to validate these feelings within yourself, and recognise that it is okay to feel this way, especially given the circumstances. I also had very little support system when coming out, although my family has gradually become more accepting (although this has taken years, and there's still a long way to go). You have mentioned that you are not out to your family, so do you think that it is possible that they may be supportive of your identity?  I noticed that you also mentioned that you have two non-binary siblings - do you think that you would feel comfortable and safe speaking to them about your experiences? If you are not comfortable coming out to your family, or they seem unsupportive, I would recommend seeking out local LGBT+ groups or trans groups (whether in person or online) if you feel safe enough and comfortable enough to do so, as simply being around other trans people with similar experiences often makes me feel validated and safe. The Gender Centre has an in-person FTM Connect group that meets each month, and there are lots of online communities you could get involved with if you do not feel comfortable going somewhere in person. I also believe they offer free counselling services as well, as you mentioned that you feel you may benefit from a counsellor/psychologist. If you don't live locally to the Gender Centre, is there anywhere else that provides these services? Transhub is another really great resource that provides a list of trans-related services, including mental health services.

With regards to soccer, I think it's great that you have a hobby that you are so passionate about, and I can understand why you are afraid of losing the ability to do something that you love. However, I think it's important to consider that it's still completely possible that you could qualify for a men's soccer team. There are many transgender athletes who continue to compete post-transition. Maybe it would be worth looking into some of the stories of transgender athletes and reading about their experiences?

 
Iona_RO
Iona_ROPosted 23-05-2022 10:46 AM

Hi @Almond_Chicken

I'm so glad you reached out to our community to get some support, and for sharing how you're feeling at the moment. Talking about suicidal thoughts can be very difficult, so really well done for being able to do that.

 

Thanks also for sharing that you're a trans man, and congrats for getting to that point of your journey! I'm non-binary, so understand it can take a lot of work to figure out your true self ❤️ How are you feeling about it all? You've mentioned that you haven't come out to your family yet, is that something you think you'll want to do at some point? Have you thought about chatting to a therapist about your transition? It can be so helpful to have someone like that in your support system. We have this video from Warren who is a trans person that you might like to watch 😊 We have a list of LGBTQIA+ services you might want to check out too. I also recommend checking out Minus18, they've got lots of great resources and put on some really cool events for community.

 

I wanted to ask a little more about the suicidal thoughts you've been having. You've mentioned you've been really close to ending your life, do you have any plans to do this at the moment? If you are ever feeling like you need immediate support with this, you can always call 000 or the Suicide Callback Service.

Other than everything you're dealing with around your gender, is there anything else happening in your life that's contributing to you feeling this way?

 

I'm also going to send you an email, so keep an eye out for that 😊 I hope you managed to get some sleep last night, we have your back and are always here if you need support ❤️

 
 
Almond_Chicken
Almond_ChickenPosted 25-05-2022 08:40 PM

Hi@Iona_RO sorry for the late reply

im not feeling great about it all, as i come more to terms with my identity there seem to be more constant reminders of who everyone thinks i am. i do want to come out to my family, and i have two nonbinary siblings, so you'd think my parents are supportive. but even thought we had a large conversation about pronouns, my parents continue to use the wrong ones. this discourages me to come out, also coming out would have more impact than my siblings did, as one is in university and the other is at an all girls school but doesn't mind that much. i however go to a co-ed school, so i'm scared i can't just confidently come out to them, as i'd feel more pressure from them to come out publicly i think. when i came out as a lesbian, my mum also brought out the "too young" statement and i'm scared she'll use it again. i think i would benefit talking to a therapist but i'd find it hard to ask for one without my parents demanding to know why. 

 

in regards to my suicidal thoughts, they're consistent but not totally severe. i've never properly planned it out, i don't even have a specific way i imagine doing it. 

aside from my gender, i think i'm just struggling in general. before knowing about who i was, covid already wrecked my mental health. most of my insecurities stem from my gender identity. 

i've also been struggling with my desire to date, as even as a woman i've never even been close, and i wouldn't really want to date a lesbian, as seeing as i'm a man inside it seems predatory. so supposedly only bi and pan people would be options, but once again i've got no one interested. 

 
 
 
Bre-RO
Bre-ROPosted 26-05-2022 02:49 PM

Heya @Almond_Chicken I'm so sorry to read through all the challenges you're juggling 😓 how are you feeling today? I'm happy to see the community rallying around your thread because you need to have a place to share how you're feeling about everything. 

 

It must be rough dealing with consistent suicidal thoughts, and I'm sorry that you're going through that. Thank you for being open about it - we hope being part of our community helps you feel better. We wanted to let you know that we've sent you a check-in email today, so keep an eye out for that. 

 

I thought I'd share our community guidelines because talking about suicide can be difficult for people to read about, so it's great to see you've used the spoiler feature that helps people opt-in or out. The guidelines help us make sure we can have honest but safe conversations about suicide. A good thread to read is how to talk about suicide safety on the forums when you have the time.

 

Hope to hear back from you soon! 👋

 
 
 
 
Almond_Chicken
Almond_ChickenPosted 26-05-2022 09:39 PM

thanks@Bre-RO i'll reply more on my email. is there anything specific you'd like me to change about my post to make it more true to the guidelines?

 
 
 
 
 
Portia_RO
Portia_ROPosted 27-05-2022 12:02 PM

Hey @Almond_Chicken , you've done a great job of talking safely about suicide so far! One thing we encourage our users to do when talking about suicide is to let us know that they're safe if they don't feel like they are going to act on their thoughts. This helps us to work out whether people are in a crisis and need immediate support, or if they're safe and okay and they just want/need to talk about suicidal thoughts and how they're affecting them. 🥰

 
 
 
Courtney-RO
Courtney-ROPosted 25-05-2022 11:29 PM

Hey @Almond_Chicken I'm sorry to hear that the more you come to terms with your own identity, the more you find reminders of who everyone thinks you are. I can only imagine how hard that must be for you, especially after hearing that you don't feel you could confidently come out to your parents. You mentioned that you had a large conversation with your parents about pronouns but they continue to use the wrong ones. Was this something that your siblings experienced too? We have a couple of articles on Getting your parents to listen to you and how to tackle difficult conversations, that might be worth a read. 

While i'm sorry to hear that you've been having consistent suicidal thoughts, I am glad to hear that their not totally severe. What kind of things do you do to distract you when these thoughts get a bit too much? 

I noticed that you have already been given a number of great resources, but I also wanted to add that kidshelpline is always available if you would like someone to chat too as well. 

I just want to remind you that you're not alone and we're all here for you 💜 

 
 
 
 
Almond_Chicken
Almond_ChickenPosted 26-05-2022 09:47 PM

hi@Courtney-RO

thanks for the reply. i haven't told my parents about my pronouns, so i've only been viewing how they treat my siblings. when we went around the table discussing pronouns (at a time i wasn't ready to come out) i thought they were being more progressive. yet they don't use the right ones for either sibling and i am so close to next time they get it wrong just asking "why would you ask us out pronouns if you're not gonna use them" which i'm not sure how my parents would respond to. with my suicidal thoughts, i find mostly surrounding myself with other people can really help. listening to music can be benefitial but it can also cement those bad feelings if the wrong songs get played. thanks so much for your help and resources ❤️

 
 
 
 
 
Portia_RO
Portia_ROPosted 27-05-2022 11:59 AM

Hi @Almond_Chicken , that's really tough that your that your parents don't use the right pronouns for your siblings. It sounds like a step in the right direction that they have asked about their pronouns, but I can completely understand your confusion and maybe frustration since they don't appear to be using the correct pronouns even after asking. You mentioned earlier that you're worried that your parents might give you the same 'you're too young' statement again with regards to your gender identity. I can definitely relate to that - I'm a lesbian and I certainly heard similar ideas being thrown around when I tried to come out at a young age from some people that I knew. It can be so invalidating! Just because you're young doesn't mean you don't have a strong grasp of who you are and how to feel comfortable in your own skin. 

 

I'm glad to hear that surrounding yourself with other people and listening to the right music can help with your suicidal thoughts. Who do you like to be around when these thoughts are overwhelming? Have you told anyone about these thoughts, or is it more that just being around them makes you feel safe? 

 
cloudgreen
cloudgreenPosted 22-05-2022 11:41 PM

Hi @Almond_Chicken

 

I am so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now. I want to first say how couragous you are to reach out and express how you are feeling with us today, taking the first step is always the hardest.

 

It is so great that you love soccor and are quite skilled at it! It seems like there is an overwhelming stress that soccor will change for you when you come out. If you're comfortable opening up could you tell us a bit more about what's happening for you? It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of emotions and we are always here to listen.

There is also resources such as Lifeline and Headspace that can provide different types of support as well.

 

We are always here for you 🧡

 
 
Almond_Chicken
Almond_ChickenPosted 23-05-2022 09:49 PM

The problem is that I'm a really good soccer player. For a girl. But the men's standard is so much higher I am behind even the most beginner soccer players at my age. Even if I go on testosterone I won't have the skill and agility levels that are necessary to be a valuable soccer player again. I've also bonded with so many of the girls in my teams and I don't want to lose that and I'm also still not great at making friends with guys. 

 
 
 
cloudgreen
cloudgreenPosted 25-05-2022 07:05 PM

Hi @Almond_Chicken it has been a couple days and I wanted to reach out to see how you were doing?

 

I think some of the links that @Philippa-RO have included may.be some great resources to check out! Sometimes these thoughts can be quite isolating and connecting with others who are in a similar situation may be benefical and comforting to know that you are not alone in how you feel. 

 
 
 
 
Almond_Chicken
Almond_ChickenPosted 25-05-2022 08:28 PM

hi @cloudgreen i’m doing pretty ok. these negative thoughts are still pretty constant but there’s other exciting things in my life i’m using to distract myself. i’ve got a job trial on saturday, and my birthday is in two weeks. small things like this are what have kept me going so far, so it’s exciting to find new ones when i was running out. thanks for checking in ❤️

 
 
 
 
 
Courtney-RO
Courtney-ROPosted 25-05-2022 10:41 PM

Hey @Almond_Chicken I hope you don't mind me jumping in here.

I'm sorry to hear that the negative thoughts are still pretty constant but it sounds like you've got some really exciting things happening at the moment! That is such great news about the job trial, well done! Are you looking forward to it? 💜

 
 
 
 
 
Almond_Chicken
Almond_ChickenPosted 25-05-2022 11:15 PM

i actually really am looking forward to it! it's a good opportunity and a perfect first job for me. it's a new bakery two doors down from me so it's a convenient job for me to hopefully get. i'm super nervous though, there's so much i'll have to learn. it will be mostly serving and waiting, which will hopefully be good

 
 
 
 
 
cloudgreen
cloudgreenPosted 25-05-2022 08:35 PM

hey @Almond_Chicken it's so good to try and look on the positives and the good in your life and I am so glad that you are doing this! I try to take it one day at a time as an attempt not to overhwelm myself. A job trial is exciting and congradulations for landing yourself that! Do you have any plans for your birthday?

 
 
 
 
 
Almond_Chicken
Almond_ChickenPosted 25-05-2022 08:43 PM

thanks@cloudgreen i agree with the method to take  it one day at a time. i've got no real plans for my birthday. i wanted to do paintball, but turns out you have to be 16 and neither me nor most of my friends are. my birthday is actually on our school's cross country day, which I actually think will be kind of fun. the last two years i've spent my birthday in lockdown, alone, so i've kind of forgotten the feeling and i'm looking forward to it. 

 
 
 
 
 
cloudgreen
cloudgreenPosted 25-05-2022 08:52 PM

Oh I had no idea there was an age restriction on paintball! Would you consider an alternative like laser tag? I know it may not be the same but I love laser tag and find it so fun espcially if you have a group. It's good that it falls on your cross country day though! At least you won't be having a 'typical' school day on your birthday. I am glad you finally get to spend a birthday out of lockdown as well 🤩

 
 
 
 
 
Almond_Chicken
Almond_ChickenPosted 25-05-2022 08:58 PM

i think that paintball was the only thing to really pique my interest as my friendship group is pretty aggressive so we all thought it would be fun. i'm also not big on birthday parties, i think the party was mostly just an excuse to play paintball. i'm not heartbroken about not having the party, though i do love presents. all i'm hoping for on cross country day is i'm not one of the people in my house that has to run 4ks instead of 2

 
 
 
Philippa-RO
Philippa-ROPosted 24-05-2022 02:24 PM

@Almond_Chicken it sounds like soccer and your soccer team are really important to you, so it makes sense that it would be stressful to think about what the impact will be if you do change to men's soccer. 

 

Is this something you need to decide now, or could give yourself time to think about it?

If you do decide to stay with your soccer team for now, that doesn't change your identity - there's no rush, and it's okay to prioritise whatever you need (either way).

You know yourself best. 

 

I'm wondering - do you think it would help to connect with or read about others who've been through a similar situation? If so, there are groups such as TheShed, Queerspace or YGender who offer support. And here are a couple of stories of trans men who are prominent in sports in case you'd like to have a read: Chris Mosier and Kye Allums

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