Thoughts
This is my first post so I’m not really sure how to express my thoughts in a coherent way but I’ll do my best.
For months now I’ve been confused about my identity. I don’t think I have the ability to talk with anyone in my everyday life about this so I thought here might get me some answers. I think I would mostly identify with the label non binary but honestly I don’t know. I (afab) struggle with my family pressuring me to dress a certain way, look a certain way etc etc as everyone does. But it’s really bothering me. I feel like in the sources I find online, put an emphasis on labels and I don’t really know enough to definitively label myself. Am I still allowed to have these thoughts even if I do not label myself right now?
I feel most like myself when I dress and present more masculine. I feel as if I only present feminine right now because of the people around me. I have just turned 18 and have never been in a romantic relationship with anyone so this added level of insecurity about myself doesn’t help. (I know it’s stupid and my self worth shouldn’t depend on validation but it’s hard for me to seperate the two). I feel like I would have an easier time exploring my gender if I could just breakaway from my friends and parents. This isn’t a feasible idea because I can barely financially support myself right now so I am kind of at a loss with how I can go about exploring my identity without this external pressures. Does anyone have any ideas on how I could explore this part of my identity further? (Hopefully that made some sense, I don’t really know how to communicate this to others)
Comments
Hey @inv1sible_0ne
Well, for one. Hello. I hope you are doing ok, mate. Life is often full of challenging moments and I hope this forum can help you through it. Just know a lot of people don't use labels as how can all of someone fit in a simple phrase, so don't worry about needing labels just now.
Tbh, why I replied initially was because I resonate so much with your circumstances. I am AFAB trying to figure out my gender identity (trans-masc non-binary for now) through this transition into adulthood. I feel pressured to conform to, not exactly gender stereotypes, but to be 'female' by my family even though it's often not intentional. Thus it's hard for me to experiment and learn about my identity, especially when I'm tied so much to my family, as I don't have any friends, really, and have never been in a relationship.
What is it that you have tried so far? Have you looked into any more masculine clothing or a change in haircut (even if it's just different rather than masculine)? The main thing I suggest is to try to find some time and ability to experiment with your looks and things. As there is only so much that you can read or learn, you need to feel what resonates with you.
I know my social anxiety makes me fixate on what's wrong with me and how people can perceive me but just know, that it is only worth it if you feel connected to yourself. Never hold yourself to someone else's standards or expectations, even if you want to maintain that relationship with them. How would they feel knowing you aren't happy with how are masking yourself for them?
I don't have much advice I'm afraid, so if you find any, let me know.
But just know that your post not only helps you but also others reading.
- Lee
P.S Sorry if this message seems incohesive. I didn't quite know what to say and kept changing it. 🙂 😁
Hey @inv1sible_0ne, I just had a read of your post and thought i’d chime in and mention another really great resource that might be helpful for exploring gender identity. Qlife is a free and anonymous service that offers LGBTI peer support for people wanting to talk about things such as gender, identity and sexuality. Depending on what you're more comfortable with, they have the option to talk to someone on the phone or in a web-chat. I wonder if this is something you’d be interested in looking into?
Hey @inv1sible_0ne
Good on you for reaching out and sharing whats happening for you, it takes alot of courage.
Its natural to want to make sense of our identity and whilst labels can be helpful, it can be really hard when we dont necessarily feel like we fit into any particular label.
Im sorry to hear about the pressure your feeling from family to be a certain way. This is really common and can make it very difficult to explore who we are. Sounds like you dont feel like you can be yourself around both family and friends. That must be really tough.
We all need supports throughout our lives, particularly when things are confusing and rough. I dont think its stupid at all to not feel overly secure when we havent been in a romantic relationship, its common, but it is good that you recognise that being really dependent on someone's validation can be unhealthy.
Im wondering if youve been able to share how youre feeling with a close and trusted friend or family member? Its normal to worry about others judgement so I can completely understand if you havent. If you could, what do you think you might say to someone you trust? It can also be helpful to talk with someone you entirely independent - Kids Helpline are an amazing service, completely free and you can call anytime of day. Maybe reaching out to Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800 also may be a good idea.
There are some great articles on gender identity here that may also be worth checking out.
Know that youre not alone, we are here with you.
