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gender identity / confusion *help*
hiii, this is my first post on this forum. I usually journal, but i need help/guidance and want to hear other experiences.
I am AFAB (assigned female at birth). I came out as a lesbian over 2 years ago. I have always been a tomboy, wore makeup rarely, never seen in a dress, and dress on more of the masculine side, however, some days I am like "yes, i'm going to dress feminine." I dress in what my brain reckons would look good, but then come out thinking that that isn't how i want to present today... so, i change into a more androgynous outfit, to see if that makes me feel any better, but doesn't. I have spent a lot of time in my head (who doesn't, lmao) and been thinking more and more about my gender identity. I wake up some days feeling like a female, but then other days I wake up and wish I wasn't. it's a battle i wish i wasn't having to be honest. I have thought about whether I could be of the opposite gender.. but I am okay with the gender i was assigned, sometimes i just don't wan to be represented as it.
Has anyone else had the same sort of experience? What helped you get through it? How did you combat the daily cycle of what gender you want to present as?
Apologies in advance if this makes NO sense, I am still trying to make sense of it myself!!
TIA for any advice/experiences you are comfortable to share!
Comments
hey @teejay23 I relate to this so so much. especially with choosing clothes that I think look nice, but then putting them on and being like "hang on, this isn't what I wanted!" then I wonder whether I chose them based on what I *really* like or if I'm just brainwashed to want to look 'pretty' bc I am AFAB. then being like, ok, let's try something more masculine/androgynous and just like you, it doesn't really help either. it does feel very stressful! I see some gender diverse people out there who seem to know exactly how they want to look but for me, I don't even think there is a 'look' or a gender out there that fits me!
I guess one thing we can do is just embrace the chaos! when you think about it, humans are just a part of nature, which is ever changing, and never looks the same one day to another... we could think of ourselves like a sunset, or outer space - can't be contained by just one way of presenting, can't be described in just one word, can't be understood just by looking at us, made up of so many different colours and super majestic and beautiful!
...aside from that, it might help if you can start by finding one item of clothing/accessory (or hair style) that you really vibe with that affirms your gender. even when I feel weird about the rest of my outfit, when I have my lace-up boots on I at least feel like "hell yeah, cool boots."
hope that helps!! ❤️
this is so beautiful, and such a different way of looking at the situation!!! thank you so much - i'm so glad i am not the only one. my journey of figuring out i was a lesbian was a rough one and took a long time for me to be okay with it, and i think i jsut have *trauma* from that whole ordeal, and i am like, i don't want to experience that again.
i am very blessed though, that i have a loving partner whom i know will love me no matter what.
thank you so much for sharing!!!
I'm glad that helped 😊 it was a mish mash of my experience along with stuff that I have heard from other genderqueer people. that is so beautiful that you have such a fantastic partner to support you. identity questioning/exploration can be traumatic, fun, interesting, frustrating, scary, exciting, liberating, confusing, overwhelming... often all at the same time. So I'm glad you have someone who is there for you and I hope you enjoy spending some time experimenting with expressing yourself through your clothes and finding out more about yourself!!
btw, from what I know, it is common for lesbians to have an interesting relationship with gender b/c a lot of 'female' gender roles in society are built around heterosexuality. so there's a really rich culture and history there, and quite a few famous (awesome) genderqueer/gender non conforming lesbians out there 😄 that might be of interest to you!
Hey @teejay23 , it's so great to see the support that you have received here❤️. It sounds like it has been helpful for you, which is also awesome. I am sorry to hear about your past traumatic experience. It is completely understandable that you would not want to experience that again. It is great that you have a loving partner who is supporting you 😀.
Hi @teejay23 👋
Firstly, welcome to ReachOut and thank you for sharing your story with us. We have such a lovely community here and am sure you'll feel really supported by everyone. Definitely no apologies needed or worries about not making sense - we are always here to help you navigate feelings, thoughts and situations that can feel confusing.
I can totally empathise with how you're feeling, I've had a similar journey myself as a queer AFAB non-binary person. So you are definitely not alone 💗
I think the most important thing to remember is that you can take as long as you need to figure out how you feel about your gender identity, there is absolutely no rush. And also that gender doesn't have to be final, you can play around, try things on and change your mind as much and as often as you like to figure out where you feel like you fit.
You've mentioned that you sometimes want to present more feminine and sometimes more masculine. Which is totally ok to do. Much like you, I've always been a bit of a 'tomboy', even when I was a young kid. But every so often I like to get dressed up and put makeup on and feel pretty too. It sounds like deciding how you would like to present each day is a stressful time for you though, why do you think that is?
If you would like more information on different gender identities to explore, we have an article that explains some of them here. Do you feel like there is a certain gender identity you would like to look into more?
hiiii, thanks so much for telling me about your experience!! i very much feel like i am gender-fluid, but have only really been diving into that aspect the last few weeks, as i have become more aware of it.
there is no particular gender i want to explore as such. i just am struggling with the battle every day of attempting to fit into clothes that i feel comfortable in! such a head case!! hahah, thank you so much for the resource page, it was helpful!
Hey @teejay23 , I'm sorry to hear that it feels like a battle to find clothes that you feel comfortable in. That must suck! Are there any clothes that are a good go-to choice?
Glad to hear that the resources have been helpful. I hope that some more community members are able to jump in and share their experiences soon 😀