[CHAT]: How to deal with conflict in relationships
originally posted on 14-07-2016 6:27 AM
Conflict is a normal part of any relationship. Differences in opinions, expectations, values, roles, interests and overall misunderstandings are all reasons why conflict might develop with the people in our lives.
Conflict is not only a common part of romantic relationships, but it definitely happens in families and friendships. We might argue with a partner, disagree with family members over changing roles and wanting more independence, or have fights with friends. Sometimes these conflicts can be face-to-face, and sometimes they can be more subtle (posting things online, saying things to other friends etc).
There are many ways that we can handle conflict, some healthier than others. How do we know how to handle conflicts, particularly when we’re so convinced that the other person is definitely in the wrong? What should we do if conflict escalates (or what can we do to prevent this from happening)? And what should we watch out for as warning signs for a toxic or abusive relationship?
Join myself and @ClCl at on Monday 18th of July at 8pm AEST to talk about strategies for managing conflict in our relationships.
Event Details
18 Jul 2016, 10:00 AM UTC
18 Jul 2016, 12:00 PM UTC
attending RSVPS (0)
originally posted on 18-07-2016 9:54 PM
Okay that just about wraps it up for tonight's GR! Thank you so much to everyone who joined in tonight - we really appreciated your insights, and hopefully our discussion was helpful for you 
@j95 @redhead @Chrissyabd you guys are legends.
originally posted on 18-07-2016 9:56 PM
That was an interesting session! It really got me thinking about conflict a little more. I think actually know a fair bit, but have never really sat down and put it together in my head.
Thanks for coming @ClCl @khaleesi_18 @j95 @redhead@Chrissyabd and for helping to write questions and run the GR too!
originally posted on 18-07-2016 9:46 PM
I love your point about not talking on an empty stomach @ClCl - being hangry is not conducive to conflict resolution one bit. That's such an awesome and practical list of strategies!
originally posted on 18-07-2016 9:49 PM
Thanks @khaleesi_18 it works well for us 🙂I really like your point about doing something together afterwards that you both enjoy!! I think that is SUPER important!! Remind each other why you have a relationship (no matter what relationship that is). I guess that also helps identify if the conflict is so toxic and there is nothing left you enjoy doing together...
originally posted on 18-07-2016 9:55 PM
Tonight we discussed a pretty broad topic – conflict in relationships.
We all agreed that relationships can never really be conflict free. But that the sort of conflict is where things can vary. Conflict can be positive, but it can also be destructive. If conflict involves threats or intimidation or disrespect, then it is very toxic and is the type of conflict that isn’t normal in a relationship.
We might actually be able to learn from conflict as it gives us insight into the perspective of others due to their varied experiences. From this we can learn about ourselves: how to communicate our needs and desires; get a sense of our values (why we feel conflicted about certain things); skills to negotiate and compromise. We can also learn about the other person’s needs, desires and values and different viewpoints in general.
We have all had some experiences with conflict which have ended badly. Especially if stubbornness, closed-mindedness or impulsive behaviours are involved.
But from these experiences we have learned:
- looking into why the other person holds an opposing perspective can help remove the heat from the situation;
- taking a breather and then talking about things again can help;
- be kind to yourself by practising self-care and knowing you don’t have to agree with everything
- apologising for offending the other person
- phrasing things to describe how you feel/perceive things by starting sentences with “I...”, to avoid sounding accusatory of the other person by starting sentences with “you…”
If conflict becomes unhealthy or dangerous it can be good to:
- stop and assess the situation
- get yourself out of danger if there is any
- takes some time to decide how you want to approach the conflict, think through your stance with “I” statement
- let the other person know what is going on – that you are just taking some time to think
- talk to someone you trust or contact a helpline (see below)
Conflict can end well though!
We found from our past experiences conflict goes okay when:
- separate the person from the problem – so the conflict is about the thing, not the other person
- give each other space before reconvening
- respectfully let each other talk openly about how they feel
- work on ways forward together
- do something together you both enjoy
If you are looking for more information on this topic:
RO resources:
Conflict in relationships http://au.reachout.com/conflict-in-relationships
Conflict with friends http://au.reachout.com/conflict-with-friends
Conflict with parents http://au.reachout.com/family-conflict-with-parents
Communication skills http://au.reachout.com/wellbeing/social-skills/communication-skills
Specific tips for communication http://au.reachout.com/tips-for-communicating
External resources:
Ways to Deal with Conflict https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/tips/ways-to-deal-with-conflict/
Tips to: fight fair and productively; problem-solve collaboratively; negotiate well; relate to others http://www.foundationsforcarers.org.au/pdfs/Relationship_Issues.pdf
External helplines:
1800 Respect https://www.1800respect.org.au/
Relationships Australia http://www.relationships.org.au/
KHL https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/
Lifeline https://www.lifeline.org.au/
originally posted on 18-07-2016 9:42 PM
@Ben-RO that sounds like a super rewarding role! Definitely going to adopt some of those strategies
originally posted on 18-07-2016 9:39 PM
Have you ever had a conflict with someone which ended well? What happened that helped it to end well?
For the most part, I'm pretty proud of the way I handle conflict with my partner. We give each other space to cool off, apologise, and then we talk about what happened, be honest about how we felt and WHY we felt that way, and then agree on ways to move forward (which usually involves compromise). Then we usually try to spend the day together doing things we both enjoy to reinforce positivity feels (watching netflix, going out for coffee etc).
originally posted on 18-07-2016 9:24 PM
What should you do if conflict becomes unhealthy/dangerous?
100% agree @ClCl
One helpline/chat service that you can contact is 1800 RESPECT
originally posted on 18-07-2016 9:16 PM
@Ben-RO that's a really, really important point about self-care in conflicts! Conflict can be stressful, and we might end up blaming ourselves, so it's important to look after our wellbeing.
Next q!
What should you do if conflict becomes unhealthy/dangerous?
originally posted on 18-07-2016 9:32 PM
Conflict can get into some really tough stuff!
Lets get back to some of the other side of conflict...
Have you ever had a conflict with someone which ended well? What happened that helped it to end well?
Can we make a recipe for the best approach to situations with conflict to ensure they end with everyone feeling happy and safe?!
originally posted on 18-07-2016 9:43 PM
Have you ever had a conflict with someone which ended well? What happened that helped it to end well?
Most definitely!
For some serious things we both:
- identified we felt conflicted about something and clarified what the overal topic was
- agreed to give ourselves some time to think about it alone
- arranged a time to meet (when we wouldnt be stressed or rushed), in a public place (so equal power, and more likely to remain civil), with food (so no empty stomachs), where we wouldnt be distrubed (by staff or strangers)
- preprepared what we wanted to say
- gave each other equal time to talk about our perspective and feelings
- clarified things we didnt understand
- worked together on strategies to resolve the conflict (ie, what we could both do to meet in the middle)
- talked about something else we both have in common
originally posted on 18-07-2016 9:39 PM
Have you ever had a conflict with someone which ended well? What happened that helped it to end well?
Lots! Before i worked here i was a Disability and Mental Health advocate. My job was to speak on behalf of people and well, most people don't need an advocate to say something they're happy about! So i had lots of conflicts with lots of people. There are lots of things i learned that heped conflicts ende well. Here's the biggest thing that helped it end well: I made sure i separated the person from the problem. In other words, i made sure the person i was in conflict with understood that I just wanted to work out a glitch in the system, or help a vulnerable person be understood, even if the person i was in conflict with had made a mistake, i made it clear that they were not their mistake and I just wanted to figure out with them what the next step was.
originally posted on 18-07-2016 9:18 PM
What should you do if conflict becomes unhealthy/dangerous?
Get yourself out of danger. Talk to someone you trust external from the situation about what is going on. Possibly call a helpline who is experienced with conflict.
originally posted on 18-07-2016 9:08 PM
What other lessons have people learned from conflicts that didn't end so well?
Openmindedness can absolutely be a factor @j95. I think it's important during heated conflicts to get some space for yourself so that you can calm down, and then come back later to talk about it in a calm way. In the heat of the moment we might say or do things that we regret later. Being able to compromise isn't easy, but approaching the discussion when everyone is calm is a great place to start.
And like @ClCl mentioned, an apology and willingness to listen to the other person's perspective definitely doesn't hurt.
I also use "I" statements (eg. "I feel this way...") - sometimes starting off a sentence with "you" (eg. "you never listen") can feel like you're accusing or assuming things about the other person, which may cause them to react defensively.
originally posted on 18-07-2016 8:59 PM
Mmm agreed @j95 there are probably more constructive/relationship-repairing ways to manage conflict...!!
originally posted on 18-07-2016 8:52 PM
Nice one @j95, thanks!
Have you ever had an argument or disagreement with someone which ended badly?
I have, and it's definitely not fun! Unfortunately mine was a worst-case-scenario and I'm not in contact with them anymore. But it taught me to focus on the other positive relationships in my life (with more constructive forms of conflict resolution!)
originally posted on 18-07-2016 8:45 PM
I think that's an important distinction to make between types of conflict @Ben-RO. Verbal conflicts probably lend themselves more to constructive, relationship-building outcomes (especially if both people are willing to work through the conflict), but those other, more severe forms, absolutely fall into the bad conflict category.
originally posted on 18-07-2016 8:38 PM
ps. @j95 you're up next to select the next question (in a few minutes time)!
