[CHAT] Swipe right for love: modern dating conundrums
Back in the day, if you wanted to marry someone, you had to go through a lengthy process of courting, which involved getting all dressed up for a ball, needing to dance with a partner, and following all sorts of rules in order to propose to them.
Nowadays, dating is a bit easier than that, with the likes of dating apps such as Tinder, Happn, and Bumble allowing us to meet potential partners with just a swipe to the right.
We also don’t have to follow such strict dating rules now. We can date for marriage and long lasting relationships, but we can also date for casual fun.
With all these changes in technology and how we meet up with people, it can be easier to find what you want, but it can be a bit daunting. Navigating the modern dating world and this hook-up culture can be difficult if we aren’t completely sure of what we want, or what others want.
Come join us at 8pm on Monday 28th November for a discussion on modern dating, or join in on the conversation by hitting ‘Reply’ right now!
How is dating now, with apps such as Tinder, different to what it used to be? Has online technology changed the way we date?
I don't use dating apps like Tinder, so I'll just sit back for now and listen to what others have to say hehe
But I guess online technology would make it easier to be meet more people quicker. It sort of gives you more choice in whom you might like to date
How is dating now, with apps such as Tinder, different to what it used to be? Has online technology changed the way we date?
Apps? What are they? As someone with not only no access to dating apps, but no access to apps in general, I don't have a lot to say about this but I am very curious. I guess it would be like the interent in general, right? Where you can find people that you relate to and share interests and values with more easily than going out onto the street and talking to random people.
If they like what they see, they can click to like you. If both of you like each other, you get a 'match' and then you can start chatting to each other.
Haha, I know what an app is @Chloee. It's three fifths of an apple, right?
I was going to say that what you described (pictures, short description) is a bit limiting and shallow, but then again, that's kind of all you get when you meet someone for the first time irl, too. Although maybe pictures doing it online is less authentic because you get to chose your best pictures and be selective about what you say. This is super interesting haha 🙂
An app is three fifths of an apple, @roseisnotaplant? Uh... sure.... 
And yeh, I think it is a bit shallow too, but it is quite similar to seeing someone in person, liking their appearance, and then approaching them and asking them out on a date.
One issue, though, is that I think with dating apps, especially Tinder, there is that idea that you use it just for one night stands or for casual sex, relating to what I said before about there being a huge stigma around it.
This can be an issue because I (and others I know) may be using Tinder to get into a relationship (it's happened, I've seen it!). Because of this, I think it's sometimes difficult to understand whether the person you are talking to wants you to go over to their place NOW, or if they actually want the same thing as you.
WHICH LEADS ME TO MY NEXT QUESTION (har har, great segue Chloee):
How difficult can it be to know what you and the person you date want out of the relationship?
I think this question applies to all forms of dating, whether online or not.
How difficult can it be to know what you and the person you date want out of the relationship?
Great question!
I think the answer is that it can be very difficult, especially because I think a lot of people feel really awkward about saying what they want out of a relationship. Either you're worried the other person might not be as into you as you are them, or you might not be as into them as you think they are or something else. And for some reason I think we get a bit scared of just coming out and letting the person know where you're at.
How difficult can it be to know what you and the person you date want out of the relationship?
I think this is probably one of those instances where you have a potentially awkward potentially uncomfortable conversation about it with the other person. But I'm not sure.
Sorry i disappeared for a little while everyone! Definitely all about communication but also maybe being honest with yourself about what you want and accepting that might be different to what the other person wants? Which often super sucks, especially if they dont feel the same way
@roseisnotaplant @Stealth_ninja you make good points! I totally agree that communication is the key, and even though it might feel awkward, it's best to always have "THAT CONVERSATION" about what you two are (are you dating?, do I tell people we are dating?, am I wrong to assume you are not dating anyone else?, do I call you my girlfriend/boyfriend?)
@roseisnotaplant kiiind of... although there seems to be two categories of apps. One where you just kind of randomly click people you think might be cute, and then theres apps where you answer a bajillion questions and the app tries to match you with someone who answers things the same way. In both cases I am not convinced they work too well 😛
@Ben-RO, to be fair, I don't think any dating system has ever worked that well.
For instance, making awkward conversation with strangers at a bar doesn't seem like much of an improvement over say Tinder, (apart from not draining your phone batteries). After all, people only hit on people they find interesting, and when you're dating strangers, all you have to go off are their physical features. The first few bits of conversation, e.g. "Can I buy you a drink?" "Yes/No" etc. are basically just analogue versions of swiping left/right. So I'd say that Tinder (and the apps like it) just allow people to do what they've always been doing - just on a larger scale.
And for people who don't look for dates in bars and prefer to stick to people that they know - well, that's basically what the second category of apps where you fill in a tonne of details is for, right? It's the same idea in principle, you just get to skip the first three months of ferociously stalking your crush, because they've just put all the details right there for you to see. (Although I suppose you could argue that those three months of facebook-stalking/gossip-whispering are part of what makes the experience special because you get drip-fed details instead of getting them all in a flood at once.)
There's blind dates and arranged marriages as well I suppose (particularly depending on culture), but those are really just a lottery and I don't think the internet has changed either of them much.
That's a cool way of looking at it @Asche. It's definitely interesting to draw parallels between online dating and more traditional means of dating.
Thank you so much for coming on and digging into the convo @nc_reachout13! I hope you have a great sleep and an awesome shift (or whatever you call it) at work tomorrow!
@cupcakes_032 Those are some interesting questions you pointed out.
"When's the best time to bring it up?" I think this is different depending on the situation, but I always try to bring it up when I feel like my personal feelings have progressed. For example, if I'm starting to like this person more, I might want to ask them what we actually are.
"Will asking about it make the other person feel uncomfortable?" I guess this is a huge concern and the main reason why we are so scared of asking, but I think that we will have to go through with the question anyway, and I think most relationships are better for asking. If they want to continue to the next stage, then it's all the better that you asked them when you did. If they didn't, then at least you didn't waste any time!
And @nc_reachout13, good night! Thanks for your great comments.
@Chloee, hmm...well, I can only comment on so much, since it's been a long time since I last dated (or bothered to date). Fow what it's worth though, my two cents are just that - yes, it is going to be an awkward conversation. You have to sit down and think about the future is going to look like, and that always raises a lot of uncertainty and anxiety - particularly if you really like the person. It can also be a bit confronting, because it also challenges you to think about what you want, personally, and not necessarily just what you like (or makes you feel good) - and that can be ferociously complicated all on its own.
The thing is, that's kind of the price you pay for a good relationship. If you want to stay together with someone, you have to take into account what each other want, and be ready to compromise*. You're not going to be able do that if you're not willing to talk about things that might not be so comfortable. Relationships take time to grow, and you reap what you sow- so it's important to be sure of what you're sowing, and to recognize that "sowing" usually means fertilizer. And fertilizer's basically just poop. (If that doesn't make sense, it's because I'm tired. And old. And this analogy is getting away from me.)
*: Or walk away! Most of us think of breakups as a "bad" thing because they can hurt and suck - but that doesn't meant that they can't be the right choice for us. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be, and it's preferable to let go on amicable terms instead of holding onto something until it becomes dysfunctional.
EDIT: This was re: the questions @cupcakes_032 raised like, 30 minutes ago. (My brain has lag, you guys.)
Thank you for running an amazing GR @Chloee! I am blown away by how good this chat was and how well you facilitated. Thank youuu!!!
These are excellent points @Asche. I think I'm convinced that an app is no worse than the alternatives it's just one more thing you can do to get to the important bit of actually talking to someone you like!
@cupcakes_032 I think it's good to bring things up and be transparent, especially when there's some feelings happening. I don't think it means you have to say things like all the time or anything, but perhaps just check in with the person. Has anyone been in a relationship with someone who didn't like talking about feelings?
Sometimes the person you date may pressure you into doing something you do not want or are not ready for. What are some ways you can deal with this situation?
First up, no means no and it's never okay for anyone to pressure you into doing anything at all that you don't feel like doing. So I think if you are in that situation, it's important to say no very clearly. You could also say something like" I am not okay with this stop and do not do anything else".
Be really really clear. I would also say get to a place where you feel safe away from the person who was pressuring you right away. If that ever does happen this is actually something thats called sexual Assault. If something like this has happened to you, it's important to get some support and talk about it. Also its definitely never your fault if something tough like this happens.
