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Alone, lost and confused
I feel so confused and like I don't belong anywhere. I'm doing a heap of MH training at the moment for uni to be a clinician but I'm also a consumer and feel so out of place when certain things are raised. I feel guilty for being there and like I don't belong and can't make this work. Like sometimes when we talk about other mental illness which I don't have I feel mostly fine, it still affects me but like I'm able to still function and feel really motivated to graduate and work with consumers but then when the illnesses I'm 'diagnosed' with are raised I feel like a fraud and like I shouldn't be there and I'm so scared I'm going to get found out and kicked out. I know it's stupid but it's how I feel and I can't really talk about it on here or explain it because I'm so scared I've already said too much and someone is going to figure out who I am and then I will be kicked out. I guess I just feel very confused and like I am lying to everyone. It's like there are two of me, one who is able to mask everything so well on the outside and actually be doing so well that clinicians are saying they keep forgetting I'm a student and then there's me who is literally dying on the inside and barely functioning. It's like I'm one person when I'm with them and fight so hard to keep everything hidden and under control and then as soon as I leave I'm a complete and utter mess. I know I'm not allowed to talk about it on here but yeah. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere and am so sick of hiding everything because I'm so exhausted but I know if I don't I'm almost certain I'm going to end up in hospital or in the clinic they tried to get me to go to but yeah anyway that's another story. I just don't belong anywhere and I feel like I have no one because I've pushed everyone away without meaning to but I just do and then I hate myself so much for it but I can't help it. I always ruin everything.
Due to the pandemic, many people were left without the opportunity to socialize and go out with friends. Try to find friends and companions on social networks. I was able to find my best friend that way.
This is a great idea @niksadonis
It's hard to connect with people when we're in lockdown, but there are many online options! I'm glad that you were able to find a best friend this way 😊 I found some really close friends through online communities too!
@MB95 do you think that trying some online communities might be something you'd like to try?
Thanks for the tip @niksadonis I'm glad it worked for you and you found your best friend.
It doesn't work for me so no @Emily-RO it's not something I want to try. I tried it here and am about to lose my friends so there's no point. But thanks. I'm glad it worked for you too.
It's actually not uncommon for people to make friends online hey! My dad has a friend online who he's never met or seen who he talks to every week. It sounds like you're feeling pretty down atm @MB95 😞 You're not losing us 😞 I'm trying to think of a way I'd be okay going on the other forum... I really am trying 😞 And I truly believe you could find new friends on another forum regardless of if we're there ❤️ I mean I know I never expected to make friends on here when I first posted 🙂
You don't need to be trying lost. It's totally fine and I get it!! I'm sorry I said that thing the other day. I didn't mean to put pressure on you. I think I'm pretty set on my decision now anyway so I don't want you to be thinking about it anymore okay? That's kinda cool your dad has an online friend! And also cool that he has told you about it! Do your parents know you're online too?
Okay 😞 You're not pressuring me though. I already emailed the other forum people asking for their advice (am waiting on their reply) 😅
Yeah I mean he's on the phone once a week to this friend so it's hard not to notice 🤣 And they know I volunteer on a forum but that's it
You emailed them? What advice do you need? Actually no sorry that's not my business. Hopefully they can help you with whatever it is.
That is so cool about your dad actually talking on the phone to them. Could you imagine us on the phone? I feel like it would either go really well and we'd talk for hours or it just wouldn't go because neither of us seem to be good with verbalising things 😂 Sorry I probs shouldn't even say this. I hope that doesn't freak you out. I just can't imagine talking to someone on the phone I don't really know. Or like haven't met? Hence why I never call helplines. Screw that.
I did! I said one of my forum friends is ageing out and was wondering if they'd ever facilitated a forum transition before and how it could work without people figuring out who I am on RO so we could stay in touch. But I think I sent this before I realised you really didn't want to go there 😞
Although sometimes I'll say I don't want to do a thing but I'm really doing a push people away shut down thing cause I'm protecting myself. Can you relate to this?
If you don't go on the other forums I hope that you can say goodbye to everyone on here cause I don't think you have 😞
Um... us on the phone.. yikes! I would probably say huh you sound different to how I imagined and then it would be an awkward silence and we'd hang up 😂 I'm not so good on the phone lol. It doesn't freak me out but yeah we probably shouldn't talk about stuff like that lol cause it just feels like it's crossing some boundaries or ethics or something 😅
I'm trying to speak with a bit more awareness of boundaries can you tell lol? Cause it's important!
I never call either I only text helplines lol. Unless it's talking to my counsellor 😛
If I go on one I was just going to post something saying 'searching for my baby sloth' 😂😂😂 ahahaha Or just tell you my user name? Who knows. Honestly I don't think I'll be going on one anyway because I'm not actually interested in it and it's not fair on you that I ask you to join with me. Maybe I am trying to protect myself but I think it's for the better. Idk. It's too hard to explain without crossing boundaries and putting you in a position I don't ever want to put you in so let's just maybe leave it for now? Idk. I am confused with when I have to leave exactly because well I don't know if I can say but yeah I will let you know but I know it's soon so just be ready. I hope I get to say bye to Eden too but if I don't maybe you can tell her I say bye? Idk. Boundaries I know. Sorry. Okay fuck this shit let's stop talking about it.
I feel like I'm forever crossing boundaries 🤦♀️ Sorry. I saw your 5 ways on the games thread.. well played. I actually don't even know if I can answer it but I will try later once I've done some more cleaning! I might have to stay off here tonight though cause things aren't great and I cant stick to boundairsa and am struggling hardcore to come up with responses to games and shit that aren't dark lol So I'm off to clean and pack!
LMAO 'searching for my baby sloth' but like what if you get people pretending to be your baby sloth who aren't the genuine article 🤣 What if you emailed the RO staff your user name and maybe they could pass it on to me? I don't know if that would be allowed but that's the only way I can think of... 😅 You're not pressuring me. I want to go onto the other forum so I don't have to say goodbye :(! (Breaking boundaries) I will miss you otherwise 😢 I think you know that but I said it just in case! Plus, one day I'm gonna age out of here too and I will probably move onto a different forum anyway 🙂
But neither of us want to pressure each other cause we both have legitimate reasons behind hesitating to go onto another forum. Should we leave it on hold as an option for now? Or throw that flying fish out the window? I'll respect what you decide
Of course I will say goodbye for you if you can't
I feel like I'm forever crossing boundaries too 😅 and it's not fair on you or others and it's not me being a good 'role model' for the forums like I'm supposed to be doing so it's more for my own sake and others
Lol! I need advice on boundaries too that's why I put it! But boundaries have become a meme on here now too lol so I was putting it there cause it's a meme as well lol. I don't know how to balance between boundaries and being able to show I care 🤔
That's okay if you're struggling with the games and aren't feeling so great. I hope cleaning goes okay ❤️
Well of course they'd have to pass a series of tests to ensure I am not mistaken and am reunited with the true baby sloth 😂 Thanks for saying that, I know how hard that stuff is for you so I do appreciate it. Let's maybe leave it on hold for the moment and see what happens? I might ask the staff and see what they think. Surely they can help us out somehow, I mean surely I'm not the only old fart with attachment issues that's aged out before.. SURELY! If I am then that is sad and I need to get a life 😂
Thankyou! Hopefully I will get to but we will see. I just hope she's okay.
Haha I wouldn't worry about it not being fair on me.. have I ever noticed you crossing them? Nope. Lol So you're all good with me! And you are a good role model for everyone!! Just shows how much you care about the community and there's nothing wrong with that dude. We need more losts in this damn world, seriously!! I tried your 5 ways but failed miserably sorry 🤦♀️
Lol a series of tests 😅 In theory anyone could pretend to be baby sloth if they study all of the posts here on RO carefully 😂 Yeah sure we can leave it on hold 🙂 I do cross them sometimes I feel- even if it's my own boundaries? Idk if that makes sense. I'm not really with it atm
Ah don't say that compliments make me upset too because they are so wrong! I'm really not a good person please don't say I am 😭 Told ya I don't do well with sentiment
Hahaha I'm sure you didn't fail! 😛 It's impossible to fail- it's a game thread!
Hey @MB95 sorry I didn't check in yesterday how are you going? I hope things are as okay as possible ❤️
Hmm.. I feel like this somewhat sums me up in a nutshell atm @Lost_Space_Explorer5. But thanks for checking in ❤ I saw that you've been having a really rough time, so please focus on you okay? That's what's important right now! Thank you for caring though. I'm really going to miss you.
That meme- feels @MB95 no lets focus on you! I'm sorry it sounds like you've been feeling really overwhelmed 😞 Is there anything we can do to help? How is the uni thing going?
And I'm in full denial that you're leaving still 😅 The other forum people got in touch and they said it was okay if we inadvertently met just as long as the usernames weren't traceable back to RO and we respected the anonimity guidelines so didn't give any info that could link it back. Anyway so I had to change my username and now we're having technical difficulties but I'll sort that out. Anyway the other forums said it was unlikely we'd be able to find each other but okay if we did but they couldn't facilitate it and we'd have to stay within the guidelines. I'm not sure if the RO staff would actually let us exchange usernames but once I've sorted out the technical difficulties with the other forums I will ask them. Then the ball is in your court depending on what you want to do and there's no pressure either way ❤️ Lol I think we would just have to be a bit vague and act like we just met or something and didn't talk about RO but then we could go on supporting each other? It's up to you but baby sloth is all about the attachment at the moment and isn't letting go of the tree so you might have to shake it a bit if that's what you wanted 🤣 (don't worry there are pillows below and lots of other sloths to hang out with so baby sloth would be fine). And it got weird with the sloth analogies again. Sorry 🦥
I CAN'T!!! 😂😂😂
Holey heck do I live for those sloth analogies!!! Hahahahaha
I totally get not wanting to let go of the tree, and quite frankly I don't think there is gonna be much shaking from me. I don't think mumma sloth is capable of shaking a tree these days, she's pretty old and weak so doesn't really have the strength for that. Her claws are dug in quite deeply to the trunk as well so I think we may both very well be screwed 🤣 Stuck on the tree forever not knowing how (or wanting) to get down lol I think someone is gonna have to come along and cut the tree down which I feel like is what's in the process of happening but we won't go there right now cause 😭😭😭
I am also in denial I think and just trying not to think about it. I'm trying my absolute best to not come on here anymore for help with my own stuff so hoping that will help somehow idk. I think I need to learn to just be alone with my shit rather than needing you guys so yeah, I'm trying my best! I promised I'd be gone this week but idk if I can do it. We will see. I know I need too but yeah. I don't really want to think about it right now and I don't want you to either. You have enough going on for you and I just want to be there for you as much as I can before I go if that's okay? We will work this out. This cannot be the end of mumma and baby sloth. No way. I won't have it.
*But a sloth* 😂😂😂
Hey @MB95 I just wanted to check in on you to see how you're going? If it's too hard to answer that do you want to try giving us a number between 1-10 (10 being amazing)?
I think I'm maybe a 5 atm? I'm feeling that weird kinda calm feeling again which is nice lol It's weird but like a good weird. I'm so exhausted but like don't feel completely numb and self destructive for once in forever which is great! Just don't really feel anything? Just kinda content and odd lol But I'm running with it! I'm going to watch a movie I think because my thoughts started to try and make a grand entrance before but I am trying super hard not to let them cause I have SO MUCH uni work I need to do this weekend so I REALLY need to focus and try stay in this weirdness so I can function 😂 Idk if that makes any sense but yeah. I don't feel good and I don't feel bad. Thanks for asking 💙
Also, I am not ignoring your sloth messages. That topic is just really triggering for me and I am really not ready for tress to be cut down, nor am I going to be advocating to shake them!! I feel like I have enough trauma in my life. Not quite keen on adding deforestation to the mix just yet 😔 But I did laugh at the GIFs so thank you! Lol
We can definitely work with a 5 @MB95 ! 🙂 I'm really glad you're having a break from those self destructive thoughts oh wait no this is why I should read your posts before replying hand on I better read your post fully in case I mess up again 😂
Ahem let's start over shall we. I'm glad you got a little break from your thoughts but it sounds like they're crawling their way back in and you're fighting them back which is awesome! What movie are you watching/ did you watch? Did it help at all with the thoughts? And that's okay, it's understandably a triggering topic 😞 For me too so I'm not gonna hold it against you for going with the avoidance train. Not that I'd ever actually hold you avoiding questions against you.. HAHA deforestation aw there's that dark sloth humour 😛 I'm glad the gif gave you a bit of a laugh 🙂
That dark sloth humour will always be there, don't you worry 😂
I saw this the other day and it kinda made me think of us as well ahaha I feel like you might be able to relate?
I actually didn't end up watching a movie. I was so exhausted I just passed out after replying instead which was good 😊 Did you get up to much last night?
Hahaha I love that- it's so true 😛 Awh I'm sorry you didn't watch a movie 😞 It sounds like you were getting some much needed rest though which is great! I don't really remember what I did last night oh wait no I was freaking out about some future study stuff lol 😅
How are you going today?
That dark sloth humour will always be there, don't you worry 😂
I saw this the other day and it kinda made me think of us as well ahaha I feel like you might be able to relate?
I actually didn't end up watching a movie. I was so exhausted I just passed out after replying instead which was good 😊 Did you get up to much last night?
Hahahaha I love that you kept the analogy going 😅 Someone may very well have to cut the tree but that would be quite traumatic for the sloths. What is a group of sloths called? There's no real name for a collective group of sloths as they are usually solitary 💔 but some people voted for a 'snuggle' of sloths and that's adorable so I'm going with that
Ahh no I don't want to be guilting you to stay around. What if I'm subconsciously messing things up and not dealing so you won't shake me off the tree?! 🤣
Me normally (but a sloth)
Me the week before mumma sloth leaves