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Hello
Hey @Rara @sunset_hues
How are you both today?
I've had work today. The shift was hectic, but overall not too bad. No rude colleague today, so I can't complain, hahaha.
My parents are coming over tomorrow so that will be nice to see them. They are bringing my bike over so I can ride it around the place. I need to do some more exercise. I've been a bit slack on that one lately. I will see the Ballet just with Mum, which will be nice.
Are either of you doing anything nice for the weekend?
@Red_Flamingo I'm so glad you got the help of your regular at KHL to ensure you were able to get some support. Fingers crossed that things will progress in the way you want them to now. You didn't give up, and that is an amazing thing.
Hi@Pho-RO
I know same here. I’ll see a GP today and get them to do a referral.
I just hope after that it won’t take long to see someone.
I’ve also had a really bad sleep today. I’ve been waking up constantly.
Yesturday, they said I just need a referral, and today, they say they won't help me.
What am I supposed to do now. I have no one. I'm all alone.
Why don't they think I'm sick enough? I'm struggling so much right now.
Aw @Red_Flamingo I'm hearing you. I imagine, from your perspective, it would be hard to believe that getting help could be so confusing. I see someone who is not giving up on themselves, and even in the face of over-complicated systems/services - you're still trying to get yourself the support you need.
Even though the issue with CATT hasn't been resolved, I hope you can take a moment to feel proud of yourself for advocating for your needs. I'm glad to read that you have a chat with KHL tonight, but I can understand why you're wondering what you'll do until then. Do you have any TV shows or movies you can disappear into for a while?
I'm happy to read that you had a nice lunch with your friend. I'm curious to ask if you decided to let them know how you're feeling?
I'm sorry it's been such an upsetting day and time. It's so tough when it feels like nothing is going your way. You're showing so much strength, and I've got all my fingers and toes crossed for you, hoping that you're able to connect with CATT very soon.
Thank you @Bre-RO
It's so confusing. I don't understand how people have to make so much effort to get the help they need. I don't feel proud at all. I'm not getting anywhere advocating for myself. They won't listen to how bad things are and how much I'm struggling.
Mmm, maybe, but anything I do leads me just to continue crying.
Yeah, I did in the end because he asked who I had to call, and I mentioned what happened to the lead-up to it.
I want to call them back again, but I don't want to see needy. I'm not sure how long to wait before I should call them again. It's been nearly three hours. I didn't wait this long yesterday.
I feel so broken and defeated right now. Nothing this year has been easy for me, and each time I try to help myself, it gets pushed back into my face. Going inpatient, I didn't think that would make me unable to see this current psychiatrist. How was I supposed to know he didn't prescribe this medication?
@Red_Flamingo that seems really rough.
Depression is a a battle on its own and I feel so proud of you for talking about it, and fighting against it.
I cannot imagine how those 18 months must have been for you. It seems like you are a true solider fighting your battles. I'm wondering if you have tried seeking help from a professional?
On the other hand, it's great to see that you have been taking great care of yourself. Congratulations on your new biking time record!!!
Continue to take care of yourself and let's think of winning the battle!
Thank you @Ishi
I love the meme.
I have my GP, psychologist, a regular councillor at KHL I speak to at least once a week, I also have a psychiatrist but I don't really like him. I see him tomorrow, so that will give me a good indication if I want to stay with him or not.
I just want to get better, but I'm not. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I'm not sure how much I'm fighting right now, but oh well.
Sorry I forgot to post this last night.
Hey @Red_Flamingo
Sorry I wasn't able to chat with you on Monday. I hadn't checked the forums since Sunday.
I read through everything though and I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with SI and SH. Those are some really challenging things to deal with but I can see how much you're trying to manage it and I'm proud of you.
And that friend did seem quite inconsiderate... it must have made you feel lonely and disrespected. You deserve to feel heard and that what you say matters.
I'm glad you were able to have a nice long chat with your aunt. It's always nice to catch up with family we love and trust 💙
HI @Abbi-RO
I'm really struggling tonight. I've been crying and just really sad, and I feel so alone. I just want my depression to go away. I don't know how to get it to stop. My mind is just so negative all the time. I even SH for the first time last night. I'm a bit disappointed in myself, but it's all okay.
I'm just going around in circles so much it's like I'm okay for a few days, then things go crashing down, and then I'm just the same as I was before. I need something to get out of this cycle. It's so hard.
I will chat with my aunt tomorrow night, which will be nice. We will only be talking on the phone, but that's okay. I'll see her on Saturday with some of the Family anyway. There is so much to talk about, not just myself. She has a lot too.
I wish I could have a new life with friends and no MH issues.
Even today, my so called friend and we were in the lab, and she just put her AirPods in while I was talking to her why. Why do people have to do that? I've never had a proper friend and want to be normal like everyone else.
This is why I want to give up sometimes. Even last night, I had some SI thoughts, but I managed. Also just saying I'm not having any suicidal thoughts. Yes, I'm struggling, but I'm also safe. If I do feel worse, I will call KHL.
Sorry if that doesn't all make sense.
Hey @Red_Flamingo thanks for letting us know that you are safe tonight. I'm sorry that things are such an ongoing struggle, and I do hope you're not being too hard on yourself about the SH. The ups and downs can be soooo hard, but obviously you are doing something right to be pulling yourself out of the downs and into the ups. I'm glad that you get to chat to your aunt tomorrow, and even get to see her on the weekend! How exciting. It's so nice that you two can be there for each other.
You're doing an amazing job to support yourself through this, even with everything you've been dealing with. You got this, and I hope you can be proud of yourself for it.
Hi@Pho-RO
Thank you I'm just trying to get through the day the best I can.
Yeah I'll talk to her after dinner.
I am definitely trying to be proud of myself it can be hard when the depression is clouding it, but yes.
I have uni today, I'll be seeing Barbie and then dinner. I have a two hour break and I need to clean my room and go to the shop to get food.
Hiya @Red_Flamingo
You don't have to apologise, what you said makes sense. I'm sorry to hear how low you're feeling tonight, it sounds like a very painful and isolating thing to sit with. It's super frustrating and exhausting to feel like you're making progress only to then suddenly feel like you're taking steps back again. Especially since I can hear how much effort you're putting in to try and feel better.
I'm also sorry that your friend was so inconsiderate today. I don't know if this counts for much when you feel so sad but I feel like you still should know. From what I've seen on the forums you seem like a really kind and lovely friend to have. You always ask how everyone's doing and what they've been up to and remember them, you're passionate about so many diverse things (classical music, ballet, baking, biking, footy) and you share that with others (the bread recipe and musical recommendations you gave me, I truly appreciate it. Not many people would go out of their way to include others in their passions). I know it's so hard to bear at the moment and I know I'm just an internet person but you are not alone 💙
I'm glad to hear you're talking to your aunt tomorrow night, it'll be great to catch up. Do you have plans for the rest of tonight?
Hi @sunset_hues
Thank you for your kind words I really appreciate it.
Last night was awful I couldn't stop sobbing the whole time. I wouldn't say I'm feeling much better today but oh well. It's not likeanything will change anyway.
Aww your are so kind to say that. I do try to be kind to people around me.
I think when you replied I was asleep I was really tired so I just went to bed. I have a uni class till 3:30 and then I'll go for a bike ride go home and cook dinner and then have much chat with my aunt.
Sadly I don't have time for the Barbie movie tonight I'll have to either go later in the week or next week if it's still on.
How are you and what are you up to today?
Would you be free for a chat later tonight?
Hiya @Red_Flamingo
It sounds like you had and have a lot on your mind. Do you usually have some things you turn to when you feel like that? Like I guess a 'tool kit' of things that are even a tiny bit comforting to ride out the sadness or distract yourself with?
I can tell, and I really appreciate it 💙
How did your catch up with your aunt go?
Aww, I was actually going to ask what your thoughts of the Barbie movie are. Maybe next time then :') I'm alright, thank you. Today I was pretty tired and unmotivated though, but it's okay. Maybe I needed some rest and I'll try and structure my day better tomorrow.
Hi @sunset_hues
No, I don't have a tool kit. All I do is cry and make things worse.
It was nice we spoke for an hour and a half. I missed her.
I didn't get to go on my bike ride. The trains were all stuffed up, and I was on one for like 40 min, and then I finally got to the city. I just got back on a train and went home. I was like an hour behind what I wanted to do. Then I came home to cook dinner, and I couldn't find the key to my cupboard downstairs, so luckily, I had a microwave meal, and it was yummy, so that did the trick.
I'm so sad right now. I can't stop crying. I don't know why these feelings won't disappear; I want to feel okay. I'm so disappointed in myself. I've been going over in my mind and out loud in my room why I'm such a bad person and how awful I am. I need the negative to stop. I feel myself spiralling so much. I can't cope with this. It's so hard, @sunset_hues I'm sorry.
I feel as though when I'm upset and going over things about my past and why I am a bad person, it's from what happened at school and what people would say to me.
Yeah, sorry about that. I'll go a week if it's still on; I can get a ticket for $12
I do try DPB, but I'm not sure if I like it. I need to work out something that will help with how I am coping because it's not very good.
What have you been up to today?
You might have seen the two new threads I made, so you're welcome to talk on either of them if you like. I think with this thread; the posts are all over the place. Having two separate ones might be good.
Hey @Red_Flamingo
Sorry I just realised you made another post and I didn't see that, but you're right it is getting a bit confusing here. But just wanted to agree with @Pho-RO , thinking about those questions when you're in a bit of a better headspace is great so you can have it ready when you need it. Same with the positive self-talk. There was a long time where I didn't believe it would help at all and it just felt fake and weird. But practicing small acts of kindness towards myself over time truly made a difference for me and I believe it's for the same reason @Pho-RO has mentioned. Critical thoughts can wreck havoc with the same intensity that kindness towards yourself can empower you.
Kindness can even be as small as accepting you are being critical towards yourself, and that there was some reason out of your control where you developed those thoughts over time. With that context, it makes sense. And you don't have to feel bad about being critical of yourself, you're doing your best given the circumstances.
But I know it can be incredibly difficult to take this in when you're in the middle of it. Sometimes when I'm in a middle of a low spell like that I do something simple that requires focus just to break the spiral for a few moments. For me that's splashing some cold water on my face or trying to do simple maths problems as quickly as possible (I try to beat my personal record on the app 'Quick Math'). Sounds kinda dumb but I can't think negatively while also trying to do maths so it's some relief. Something like that might be another thing to consider for your 'toolkit'.
I hope tomorrow is okay and you rug up and try and get some sleep tonight 💙
Thank you @sunset_hues
I'll go into that deeper tomorrow. I'm to tired right now sorry.
I might have a look at the math app; thank you.
Yeah, I'm about to fall asleep, so I'll talk to you later.
Have a good night. Chat tomorrow if you are on.
@Red_Flamingo A tool kit could be super helpful, it's never too late to put some time into making one. I can help with a couple questions to prompt you:
What helps me to feel safe?
When I'm upset, who can I turn to for support?
What are some activities or distractions that help me through difficult moments?
What are some coping strategies I can work on?
What do I do if those things don't seem to be helping?
Also just wondering... if you're getting caught up in thinking about a lot of negative thoughts, maybe you could write out some positive affirmations? Then when things get hard, read them aloud to yourself. As many times as you need to. It can feel uncomfortable at first, but just like repeating negative things can make them feel more true, so too can we make the positives more true by repeating them.
Hope that you find tomorrow to be less stressful. And maybe if you take the time to work on any of the above, it'll feel like you've accomplished something good.
HI @Pho-RO
I feel like that is similar to a safety plan. Do you think?
Positive affirmations. Mmm, I'm not sure where to start. I probably need to do in on a day when I am calm and not crying over nothing like I am now.
I'll go through it it more detail tomorrow before work. I have such a busy day @Pho-RO
It was nice thank you@Anzelmo
Ah yeah I got back to uni on the 31st it will be nice getting back into it.
My mood though isn't best hopefully it will start to get getting in the next coming weeks.
I have had a chat with the psych triage this morning she wanted to check in to see how things are going. I'll also be talking to my regular at KHL so I hope the will go okay. After work if it isn't going well I'll call the psych triage again. I just know working with this colleague things won't be good, but I'm trying to stay positive.
Hey @Red_Flamingo
Ah that's good. I hope you have a great start to uni!
I'm glad you're talking with the psych triage and getting regular support from KHL. It's really nice that you're able to surround yourself with other supports. I can see how hard you're trying to stay positive and to help yourself as much as possible. I'm really proud of you. I hope things get better for you soon.
How's your week been so far?
Hi @Anzelmo
Thank you, and so do I.
I didn't need them on Tuesday or last night, which is good. I thought things would be horrible, but they weren't.
I'm probably a bit worse tonight. There was a function downstairs in the community kitchen, and I didn't want to go, so I went for a pizza for dinner. I didn't want to sit alone in front of everyone, so I sat outside alone.
My anxiety was through the roof as I felt it just made me go back to high school and feel like I was in a classroom sitting alone while everyone else was around their friend, and I sat alone at a six-person table in the middle of the room.
See, it's just making me upset thinking about it. I don't know why I work myself up so much about small things. Eventually, I went through and back to my room, so it was fine. I'm just sitting here trying not to cry.
I'm probably making this a mountain out of a molehill. I'm so pathetic. It's ridiculous.
Sorry if that didn't make sense. I will watch some tv, shower, and do my skincare routine, and I hope that calms me down.
What are you doing for the weekend?
Hey @Red_Flamingo
I'm glad things weren't so horrible those two days.
Sorry to hear you were feeling worse on Thursday though. It's totally valid for you to be feeling so anxious. When something reminds us of a really negative situation from our past, it's normal to have those emotions suddenly brought up again. I hope taking a shower, watching tv and doing your skincare routine helped in some way.
I was busy doing my honours project this weekend actually and volunteering. I was able to spend some good quality time with my SO and have nice talks with my dad though. Hopefully I get a bit more of a restful weekend next week!
What have you been up to this weekend?
Heya @Red_Flamingo I hope it's okay if I chime in here!
I just wanted to say that it doesn't sound to me that you're making a mountain out of a molehill - not at all! Feeling anxious while remembering the isolation and sadness you experienced at high-school is so valid.
It's human nature to need friends, community and a sense of belonging. We've survived throughout history in groups - it's how we feel safe and important. Going through such a large chunk of time in an environment like school that can be cliquey at best and straight up toxic at worst, can leave us with memories so powerful that suddenly we're right back in that moment.
You're allowed to feel upset when those memories come up and it doesn't make you pathetic or ridiculous. If you could time travel back to when you were sitting at that six-person table, what supportive message would you share with your past self? You don't have to share it with us if you don't feel comfy.
I hope watching some tele, showering and doing your skincare routine helped calm you down. I'm wishing you a relaxing weekend 😌