*TW* I don't want to be here anymore

That's ok @MB95, anytime honestly - is there anything we can help you with today? Even if you just want us to sit with you, happy to do that 🌻✨

Yeah, I'm not great @Andrea-RO. But I think I just need to take some time to try and sort my head out. It's not fair on everyone on here who is trying so hard to help me but not getting through. I just feel like a lost cause atm and like nothing is working. Thanks for checking in though, I appreciate it ❤

Hey @MB95, I noticed you were online this morning 😊🌻 how are you feeling today? It looks like you had a bit of a heavy night, so I wanted to check in with how you're feeling (no stress if you want some time before responding to this, there's no pressure, just wanted to see how you were going 💖)

@MB95  Don’t worry about me I only reply to people when I am feeling up to it so don’t feel like you are putting any pressure on me. Sometimes it is good though to take a break from intense things for a while though. We will be here when you are ready to come back to the discussion. 

Yeah thanks @Lost_Space_Explorer5. I'm too tired to think about it now but will try have a think and let you know tomorrow if I manage to get anywhere with it. 

I'm bad. Sorry! Sometimes I don't even realise I've sworn which is so bad. It usually comes out when I'm really emotional.. don't listen to mumma sloth!! 

@Eden1717 I don't think there is. I know these are my problems and I've just gotta get over it and work out how to deal with it. You guys have been incredible and I can't thank you enough for just listening to me and being there. Honestly. 

I am worried about you both though and don't want to be triggering either of you with anything so I might just keep off this thread for a while till I've sorted myself out and so you guys can take the time you need to focus on yourselves too. I'm sorry I've been so needy lately. But thankyou for just listening and helping where you can. 

I was seeing this psych for like a year. I just never felt I could trust her. She was my only option though cause it was free and through the PSS. I literally just never got attached LMAO. I got my CM to call her and give her the news. Then my CM was my 'psych' for a little while till I figured shit out. You're having a bad influence on me I keep swearing. 

Yeah those kinds of questions are met with resistance a lot cause no one wants false hope. But giving it a go can sometimes get to the bottom of what you need help with or what you want? 

@MB95 

@MB95  It’s ok there is not rush to figure this all out is there anything we can do to be more helpful for you? Is there something you would find helpful to chat about? 

Also @Lost_Space_Explorer5. I love that you ghosted your first psych, made me laugh. But I'm also kinda proud.. how on earth did you manage that with normally being so attached and worried about abandonment? Like, I so badly do not want to talk to mine again and want to shut her out forever because I'm so angry at her for some reason. But at the same time I'm so scared and the thought of losing her just makes me so upset and angry because it's all my fault. So how did you do it? I mean unless she was a shit psych and you hadn't formed a relationship yet? 

I don't have anyone else @Sophia-RO. Not that I trust or would talk to about this. It's fine though. I'm just going to hang out on here for a bit I think. Idk. I'm pretty exhausted so will probs have an early night I guess. 

@Eden1717 @Lost_Space_Explorer5 I know you're both coming from a good place, and I do really appreciate it but you're not wrong - it is all a bit much to take in atm and I'm not really interested or sure I'm ready. I'm trying but yeah. I'm having a lot of trouble trying to accept I actually need help? Like I know I do but I also won't accept it if that makes sense. Idk. I don't want to do meds again and quite frankly I don't think I want to do therapy again either. Neither of them worked and I put so much time into them. Idk. I'm pretty adamant on the meds. Therapy, I'm in two minds but think I need to process what's happened because right now I'm just too upset and angry to even consider going back. It took me almost 2yrs to start to trust and open up and believe my psych wasn't going anywhere and well, here I am. Anyway it doesn't matter. I can't change it so I've just gotta learn to deal with it. 

I'm not sure support groups are for me. I tried that social anxiety one last year and it just made me more anxious. I couldn't quite see how throwing 12 socially anxious people in a room together was beneficial lol Plus, I HATE people knowing my shit so yeah. Like I'm more than happy to help others and listen to them, but I refuse to share my story with people. Idk. It's just me. 

@Lost_Space_Explorer5 I might need some time to think about your questions if that's okay? I just honestly can't work out what I need or want at the moment. I just really feel like there are two me's that are fighting so hard against one another and my head is a mess. I want help but I don't want her. I need help but I won't accept help. And I understand how frustrating that is, it's just making me hate myself even more, but please just know that I appreciate what you guys are doing and that I even have this space to talk. 

@MB95 you don’t have to see the same psychologist if you don’t want to or any psychologist right now you can always come back to the idea later. I think @Lost_Space_Explorer5 idea about peer supports groups could be a good one to look into when you are feeling ready. Can you do something relaxing or low energy tonight to try and help feel a bit better? 

Some links to forum threads (don't worry about reading them if you don't want to or don't think they'd be helpful)

When help isn't helping 

Accessing mental health services 

Can I ask you a question @MB95? No pressure to answer!

If you could have any kind of support right now that you knew was guaranteed to help you what would it look like? Assuming you didn't have to worry about getting hurt or the financial impact (just in a perfect world)? I guess what I'm asking is, without thinking about the barriers and worries, what kind of support do you NEED? What's going to help you feel better?

-would it involve someone helping you?

-would it involve following some sort of 'therapy course'

-would it involve some practical intervention to fix a part of your life (e.g. relationships, finances, health)?

-would it involve building up trust with someone?

-would it involve talking about past things and/or fixing current or future concerns?

I don't want to explore anything with my psychologist anymore @Sophia-RO. There is no point. Unless she contacts me, which I highly doubt will happen, then I'm not going back. 

Thanks @Lost_Space_Explorer5. I'm pretty exhausted now but might have a look at DBT and RODBT tomorrow. Like I'm interested and know I need to try something but I'm also scared and so sick of trying.

Thanks for mentioning that @Eden1717. I actually didn't think of that. If I'm being honest I think it's going to make me worse because I can never seem to communicate with her properly so we'll see what happens I guess. I didn't really think of the fact she probably can't do anything to help. Ugh. 

I don't have anything planned for tonight. I need to clean my kitchen but really don't have the energy! 

Sorry to hear that you have been feeling exhausted lately @MB95 . I hope that spending some of your day at work was a helpful distraction. Do you have anything planned for tonight that might help you feel a bit better? I think @Lost_Space_Explorer5 and @Eden1717  have raised some really awesome points. A new diagnosis can be understandably scary and worrisome, but can also sometimes be helpful as it can provide us with answers and useful information. Do you think this is something you would feel comfortable exploring more with your psychologist? 

@MB95  I am glad you like it it is called a “slow loris” they are very cute but a little dangerous. I am sorry about how tough things are at the moment. The memory stuff sounds like dissociation but idk exactly I am not a dr lol. I think it would be OK if you had BPD it isn’t the end of the world and there are things that can really help with it. At the end of the day it is about finding what helps regardless of diagnosis. I really hope the GP can help but keep in mind they can be a bit limited with what they can do for mental health so they might suggest seeing someone else as well but I guess you don’t have to think about that right now. Have you got anything relaxing planned for this evening?

Thanks @Eden1717, I really hope so too cause I'm not sure what I'll do if not. She's my last option so I just really hope something works. Also I loved the lil venomous primate - he is so damn gorgeous! And he gave me a smile that was so badly needed so THANKYOU. I almost forgot what it felt like to smile and feel happy for a moment there. 

@Taylor-RO I met my best friend when I lived overseas so she's not an online friend. It just makes it hard cause I don't want to worry her but she's also the only person aside from my psych and GP that I can talk to about stuff. And you guys obviously. I really don't know what I want to get out of Tuesday? I'm a bit stuck. I just want her to fix me lol Give me a new heart and brain and emotions and send me on my way? 

I'm feeling really weird today. I worked this morning which has been a good distraction but also made things worse. I just feel really incapable. My memory is really bad to the point I'm worried there's actually something seriously wrong. Like I know stress and stuff can make memory bad but this is next level. Like I can't remember doing things. I can't recall anything and even the notes I write myself aren't helping because I don't remember writing them. And I write really detailed notes because of my memory but even then they still aren't making sense and I have no recollection of making them. I'm trying not to overthink it but at the same time it's really scaring me. I just don't feel connected to my body at all and can't remember anything. It's like I'm just doing stuff but my body has taken over and there is no me inside? Idk. It's becoming noticeable at work too which is why I was going to walk out the other day. I'm really struggling. They're not a supportive workplace either so it's making me feel worse. Idk. I know it's silly but I've honestly had the thought that I might have to stop working because I really can't cope but then I worry about money and I wondered if I would be able to get some sort of support with my mental health but then I'm so scared people think I'm making it up and just being lazy because I'm usually so good at hiding it. Plus I don't want to do it but I also know if I keep going like this nothing is going to change. Part of me won't have a bar of it and thinks I'm fine and the other part of me knows I'm really not and even thinks I should be in hospital getting treatment. But then that seems too far but also feels like it's the only way. Idk. I just feel really lost and don't know how or where to get the help I need but then also don't care anymore. I'm all over the place and feel like there are two me's. Which is probably good because otherwise I know I wouldn't be here. 

I crashed hard after work but then randomly am on some kinda high atm? Like I'm physically and mentally exhausted but I'm more aware of how I'm feeling? I can't really put it into words. But I just feel weird and kinda scared cause I'm not sure what's happening and I don't think this is going to last very long because I can already feel it draining from my body? If that even makes sense. Idk. I really don't know what's going on with me. I listened to this BPD podcast last night and don't have the diagnosis, my psych mentioned it last year but then I was too scared to go to the psychiatrist to find out so yeah, but it just made a lot of sense and I felt like someone finally understood what it's like to be me? Like it was comforting to hear her talk and stuff but I'm also even more scared now because what if I do actually have BPD? I just feel weird. I can't put this feeling into words. It's just very weird and I'm scared because I feel so uneasy about it. But then don't know why I'm scared because for the first time since last week I feel slightly safe. Like I'm not trying as hard to not act on things. It's just weird and I don't know what's going on with me. I feel like I'm going insane and losing control of myself? 

@MB95  I am sorry you are feeling so bad still and i really hope the GP can help you figure out a plan. on a completely unrelated note i hope you enjoy this picture of a venomous primate. 

I don't have anyone to talk to. Not here anyway. I tried to message my best friend but she lives overseas so it's hard cause I don't like worrying her. I'm just waiting to see my GP cause I know I'm not good and need help so hopefully she doesn't let me down too. Idk. She's usually pretty good but I struggle to tell her stuff. She's my only support now though so I'm hoping she can somehow fix me. I just hope she doesn't suggest meds again cause I'm not doing them ever again. 

That's okay @Lost_Space_Explorer5, I hadn't written much anyway. Just don't have the energy. I do really appreciate your message though. I just can't bring myself to reply atm I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude, everything is just a bit much atm. I don't have anything left in me to do something I normally would @Sophia-RO but I did just pass out on the couch so I guess that's self care?