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TW: Purpose... the end?
Hi, first time posting,
12 months ago I was having extremely bad thoughts
and was making a plan to end it all. I saw multiple professionals and got a lot better and in the meantime I've been somewhat comfortable with the idea of my own death, sitting with it very calmly with mutual respect as if it were a person. However for the past few weeks, I've slowly been self-harming a lot more and thinking worse and treating these last few days as a 'final lap', seeing people for what may be the last time or going places a final time on the way out, and I'm entirely content with it which is a weird feeling. 12 months ago it was driven by pain, but now I only laugh at it and smile at the situation. Maybe its a coping mechanism, maybe its medication numbing the idea. I don't know.
Anyways I feel any day I could end as I just don't see any real reason to stay at all. We are here by chance just floating around to do nothing important really and in the end we won't remember a thing. Friends say to stick around for all the future memories and things to do, but we wont remember them anyways, so what does it matter? In 200 years it literally won't be remembered.
I just don't see why not, apart from it emotionally hurting others. And all through high school I never pictured myself going past my mid-20s anyways and always felt that taking my own life was the way I was going to go, like I could see the future. But somehow it's all in a positive light, under my control. Like a "it is what it is", have a laugh and that's it.
So really, I'm not sure why I'm posting, maybe because I know it's a bit concerning or maybe have 1 last crack and save family members from any pain in the future?
Cheers
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Hey @gorilladaspinna (love this username 💜 🦍)
My heart really breaks for you reading this post. I am really hearing how hopeless things seem, and that everything is just too much and pointless. It sounds like you have been in a dark place for a long time and that you are now feeling quite comforted by the idea of death. Sometimes thoughts of death can bring us comfort and that can be a coping mechanism, but it doesn't mean we need to act on those thoughts. Have you spoken to anyone recently about these thoughts you're having?
It's a horrible feeling when our friends don't seem to understand what we're going through and can only focus on the positives, it can be really unhelpful to hear those things when we're in a dark place. You said you had bad thoughts 12 months ago and got a lot better, what was it that helped you get through that time?
It sounds like it has been a long, painful road for you and it must all have been incredibly challenging and distressing. But I am really glad that you have shared with us what you're going through, it takes a lot to reach out for support and it's very brave of you to have been so honest with us 🧡
I am going to send you an email now as well to check in with you so look out for that in your inbox.
Thankyou,
I was extremelly and forgetful and realised it was part of the 12 month cycle. Has happened this time of year for the last 4 years with highs in between.
Thanks, I overreacted a bit too far but with staying with people now so im safe
Hey @gorilladaspinna, thanks for clarifying. It seems like you are saying that you have low periods at the same time every year, which sometimes includes feeling suicidal and harming yourself. Is that right? It sounds like it has been helpful for you to remember that life is a 12 month cycle for you - how has that been helpful for you? ❤️