hey there @gorilladaspinna , welcome.
i'm so sorry to read this. i feel suicidal a lot too, but i don't SH, i do have thoughts of it though.
are you safe? do you have any ways to try and distract yourself from the SH, such as snapping a rubber band on your wrist?
i'm sorry if i can't be of much help but i want you to be here, and i want you to be safe. i care about you.