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When you have multiple diagnoses
Hello RO 💛 I was away for a bit dealing with some things irl, then I was resisting checking back in because I really feel embarrassed about my mental health. It's so hard to talk about. I felt like maybe people here who have helped me would feel disappointed that I'm still struggling so much; I know that isn't true though. I just want to express how I'm feeling to people who will understand. I want to talk about having anxiety, depression and ADHD, because it feels like being hit by a merry-go-round of different symptoms every day and it makes me honestly feel - insane!!! I think having multiple mental illnesses they almost merge together and become their own unique thing. That's why it's hard to understand what's going on in your head, and so hard to get the right treatment. I'm afraid when I finally see the new psychiatrist she will just let me down as other clinicians have. And perhaps that would be my fault for being so ~complicated~.
I found old notebooks where I was trying to "work on myself" and figure out how to get past my struggles. It upset me to see how self-blaming it all was. Like "I did well in school without trying hard so that's why now I give up on every challenge without trying" -- it's not true at all. I remember when I wrote that I was doing everything I could to 'force' myself to do what needed to be done in life despite dealing with huge amounts of fear and executive dysfunction every day. I try to be more compassionate now that I know my diagnoses. But it's hard not to be frustrated with myself.
Thanks for being there RO 🙂
You should never feel embarrassed @lemurien Life can be really tough and sometimes we're forced to make choices that we don't necessarily agree with, but that is absolutely okay! You're right when you say that we all have our own journey, but don't forget that we will always be here to support and cheer you on, no matter what 😊
I have actually had a few different volunteer roles but I loved them all for different reasons. I volunteered in a hospital where I got to work with both patients and visitors, I have moderated a number of different mental health facebook groups, primary schools (though technically that was a placement through uni) and a couple of others. But there are some really great volunteer roles out there like ReachOut or local hospitals and mental health companies, it really just depends on what your interested in. I do want to add though, that wherever you go, they will be extremely lucky to have you 💜
That, is really like me. I am diagnosed with bipolar, depression, ADHD. I don't really selfblame more than I just give up on myself. Everyday, I am sort of flat and can't be bothered doing stuff properly. Or I randomly go on maniac highs. Guess I sort of understand you. We'll get better (maybe), or we'll just have to vibe. (I'm kind of a much more chill person after diagnosing Bipolar, long story about me being a criminal psycology fan and so many criminals have bipolar...)
Hi @Kitsune , I just wanted to jump in here and say that I completely get where you're coming from - fellow friend with more than one mental health condition here! I'm sorry to hear that managing so much at once makes you feel like giving up on yourself. I definitely felt this way at first too (I mean, how on earth is one person supposed to deal with so much???) but with good support from my family and my psych I eventually managed to get things under control, one issue at a time. What kind of things help you when you're feeling those intense highs or a bit flat?
You mentioned that you feel a lot more chill since your bipolar diagnosis because you're interested in criminal psychology and that some criminals have bipolar, too. I'm curious - does knowing that there are other people out there in general who experience bipolar help, or is it something specific about criminals' stories that resonates with you?
P.S. We're sending you an email @Kitsune so keep an eye on your inbox 😊
Hmmm, it is more like I really don't want to be like the criminals, or be them. So I kind of just keep on calming myself down. When I'm in one of those highs, I really depend on J, she pours cold water (metaphorically) on me and I can stay calm when I'm with her~
Drinking tea and nice thing also help. When J isn't there I always carry some candy with me. Guess that is my alternate medication~ Makes me calm down with sweetness in my mouth (I have high sugar tolerance, so can never go on sugar highs)
Hey there @Kitsune how are you today? thanks for explaining your feelings about criminals and not wanting to be like them. It sounds like, at times, it can be stressful to worry about not wanting to be like a criminal. Have you ever opened up about this with a friend or someone you trust?
It's great that you have a bunch of strategies to help yourself stay calm when you're in one of those highs. Cold water and sweets are so helpful for calming down in those moments! What's your favourite tea? I find peppermint always makes me feel nice and calm 🙂 also, watching anime tea is almost as good as drinking one.
P.S
We've sent you another email to keep an eye out for!
Hey @Kitsune it sucks that you relate but I'm glad I'm not alone. My friend has bipolar too and he's one person who always gets me, it makes sense, it sounds like with bipolar you deal with a lot of ups and downs and I can relate to how chaotic that must feel. I'm going through a totally flat can't-be-bothered time as well atm and feel like giving up on myself, but what you said is actually kinda comforting to me - hopefully things get better for us, but if they don't, yeah we'll keep on vibing 🙂 I'm glad you have someone you can rely on.
Thanks for jumping in @Portia_RO it's encouraging to hear you were able to get things under control one issue at a time. One doctor told me that's what will need to happen for me, but I felt so sceptical because everything seemed so complicated and interconnected I didn't see how it could be tackled. But I suppose I should trust in her many years of experience and medical training rather than trusting my own "give up on yourself nothing will work" thoughts.
Thank you for sharing that with us @Kitsune It's so great to hear that you've been able to find things that help calm you down. It can be really hard to distract yourself when your not feeling the best, so its nice to hear that you've got such a great support in J.
I also love tea and something sweet! I find that they can be so helpful in calming me down in stressful situations, even if its just a short moment of peace. What are your favourites? 💜
Love sugar in general, コンペイトー a type of hard candy or 花見団子, a sort of tea snack that is made with glutinous rice. I really like 普洱茶 (tea originating from china [?] )
Kitsune
PS: really don't know what the english version is called....
I can speak a little japanese~
Yes! Those sweets are really nice, the tea is from china, and it is really calming (especially with sunflower seeds)
Hey @lemurien
I'm really glad you checked back in with us and know that no-one here is going to be disappointed or judge you for struggling. We are always here to support whatever it is you're going through and actually think you're the opposite of a disappointment because you're taking the iniative to reach out when you need someone to listen. That's something people can find really difficult, so you definitely need to give yourself some more credit 😊
I think I've shared with you before that I have ADHD too, and I also have anxiety and depression as well. So whenever I read your posts I always relate to them so much! This line - 'it feels like being hit by a merry-go-round of different symptoms every day' - hard relate! It really is so difficult to figure out how they are all connected and where to start with finding ways to feel better. How long is it now until your psychiatrist appointment? I am keeping everything crossed for you that they are a good fit, I totally get how frustrating it is when some clinicians don't match up to your needs. Would it make you feel less anxious about it if you were able to do some preparation before your appointment? It really helps me to write down what I want to talk about when I see medical professionals, even just bullet points so I know I'll be ok if my mind goes blank in the moment.
I'm so glad you're starting to be a bit more kind to yourself. That's been a big part of my ADHD journey. But I also think it's pretty normal for that frustration to sneak in from time to time too! This stuff is hard!
What are some things you are proud of yourself for? It might be an idea to write this down somewhere and look back on it when the frustrated feels take over, or even writing it here and bookmarking it to come back to. Personally, I think you're doing extremely well. You're learning more about how your brain works, reaching out for support when you need it, on your way to getting support from a psychiatrist and are able to be really self aware of how your feeling. That's huge! Especially with executive dysfunction! ❤️
Thank you so much @Iona_RO you have no idea how much this chat has helped me already. It gave me a burst of strength to get some chores done, which I haven't been able to do lately. I hope I can be like you and get to a point where I'm managing these 3 conditions. I have a friend with the same thing and I'm pretty sure my mum as well, and they really scare and depress me, because they both struggle to cope just as much as I do. So I don't have a role model to show me that it will be ok one day. I am not sure what the ok will look like or how to get there, I have to just believe in it, and that's getting really hard. So I'm really glad to hear from you and that you understand the merry-go-round feeling. The merry-go-round is really intense. This could be the ADHD talking, but on the merry-go-round, all the strategies I've ever heard for feeling better just end up contributing to the chaos, like a hundred voices saying "you have to get up" "do self care" "you have to breathe" "one thing at a time" "go outside" "defuse your thoughts" a hundred times and all at once. It's like those voices are shaming me for not having enough willpower to fix myself by doing what I should. But of course it's hard to implement strategies when all 3 disorders make it hard to do anything at all. I have the psychiatrist on July 29 so I'm really lucky the waiting is almost over. I will write down some points but I also wish the psychiatrists told us in advance what they will be asking about!! Or sent out a video introduction of themselves, or something! They just make you walk into the unknown ☹️
I think that's a good idea, it's just I find it really hard to be proud of myself for anything. I had really high expectations for myself and my life when I was younger, so when I look at how I have turned out I just find it sad. Do you think I could cultivate some pride somehow?
Hey @lemurien its so nice to read that chatting with @Iona_RO helped yesterday. It must have felt great to get that burst of strength to get through some chores. It sounds like it was a relief to chat with someone who relates to your experience as someone with adhd and other diagnoses. Do you have any neurodivergent friends or family members?
Some of the best ADHD hacks, advice and conversations, in general, I've had are with other neurodivergent people 😊
You mentioned feeling a mix of relief/ long wait being over and some nerves about what to expect in your psych appointment - which is so understandable. Especially when you've waited so long for an appointment, the build-up alone can make the whole experience more stressful.
I'm not sure if this is something you'd be interested in, but ADHD Australia has a page with a list of all the support groups around the country here.
It sounds like you're feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment - with the merry-go-round of strategies, navigating high expectations of yourself and sadness. It's a lot to manage, and I just wanted to acknowledge how much energy it takes to juggle all of that.
It's so nice to read that you want to think of ways to cultivate pride. What did you think of @Iona_RO suggestion to start with a list of things you're proud of yourself for?
Hey @Bre-RO 🙂
Sometimes I like to hear from fellow neurodivergent people, but sometimes I don't. I once emailed the Australian ADHD foundation and the kindest lady called me and spoke to me. She said I could always call again, but apart from being afraid of phone calls, I also feel that those people aren't therapists, I can't just ring up and start crying because I hate my life and having ADHD, and anxiety and depression so much.
All 3 conditions run in my family and I see the symptoms in my mum and siblings. But for some reason I am the most sensitive one and I can't muscle my way through coping with life. So I'm the only one who has had to go through the process of finding diagnosis and treatment. They try to support me but they won't be able to understand what I'm going through unless they are willing to look inward at their own struggles which I think makes them too uncomfortable.
Thank you for that link, I was a bit uncertain but since you suggested it I went and joined the online group for my area. I'll just see what it's about.
Things are definitely overwhelming and there have been some big changes in my life recently, which sets off the anxiety component a lot. And those changes came about because when I was trying to 'be normal', and work a job and live alone, I could not cope. Which is part of a larger pattern in my life of my mental health constantly failing me, and not being able to reach expectations. And thinking about that makes me feel depressed. So it is hard to even think of being proud of myself! But I at least have a tiny seed of hope that this is the beginning of the end of that pattern.
Thanks for listening 💛
Hey @lemurien
Thanks for letting me know that sometimes it's not helpful to hear from fellow neurodivergent people. Also, it's so good that you called them, and even though they couldn't take ongoing calls, it sounds like it was a nice experience. I'm happy the lady was kind to you!
See how you go with the online support group, it's okay if it's not your thing, but I'd love to hear how it goes if you're comfortable sharing.
It's so hard dealing with anxiety on top of adhd 😓 adjusting to adult life is hard enough, let alone learning to manage multiple diagnoses - it takes a lot of energy and determination. Struggling to feel proud when things around you are so challenging is totally normal, but that doesn't take away from your strengths and achievements.
Can I ask if there's anything in particular that helps when you're feeling super anxious?
As you said, you have a tiny seed of hope, and it's possible that you'll look back with pride in time! because there's heaps to be proud of 🙂
Hey again @Bre-RO
Yes sometimes it's hard hearing from other neurodivergent people. If they are coping better than me, I feel like I'm just pathetic. But if they are struggling like myself, it makes me worry that things will always be a struggle. Looking at the posts in the support group has been nice though, all the members seem really kind and helpful to one another and post a lot of relatable things. I tend to feel really misunderstood and 'left behind' by society and honestly feel angry that a) for so long I never knew what conditions I had and b) it's so hard to get help now that I know about my conditions. So it makes me feel better seeing everyone in the group supporting and understanding each other. thank you for suggesting it 🙂
Adult life is very hard and I often find myself wondering what the point is. Like even if I have overcome difficulties, it just makes me feel resentful, the fact that I had to go through those tough times. Or even if I have achievements, it's always something like "I managed to finish uni," but I don't think something like that matters at all in the grand scheme of things... even if someone can't finish uni that doesn't make them worth less, so why should finishing uni make me worth more? I know it's a negative attitude 😞 but that's how I tend to see things lately.
Hey @lemurien, I understand what you mean when you say that its hard hearing from other neurodivergent people. My partner has multiple diagnoses too and I know just how hard it can be for them as it makes them feel like they won't ever get better or like they should be doing better than what they are. But I do want to say that you are not pathetic, nor will things always be this way. While it may not feel like it right now, you have come such a long way already and I think thats something worth acknowledging.
Its also great to hear that the online support group has been so helpful and that it made you feel better seeing others supporting and understanding each other. Sometimes its really nice to hear positive stories from others in similar situations.
I'm sorry to hear that adult life has forced you to question what the point is. No one should ever feel like their acheivements have been overshadowed by the difficulties they have overcome to get there. But I just want to say that everything you do is important and it does matter, just like you. Its something you worked hard for and that's certainly worth celebrating 💜
Thank you @Courtney-RO 💛
Sometimes I just don't know what is true or not. Like when you say I have come a long way and my accomplishments matter, my brain just doesn't want to hear it. I come up with reasons to justify why it isn't true and why things aren't going to be ok, like stuff about how society is so cruel, everything is meaningless, I can't get what I need. And it's very chicken-and-egg because I wonder, do I look at things that way because I am depressed and so on, or am I depressed because that's how I look at things? I tell myself no one and nothing could ever change the way I see things, because I am so committed to the beliefs I have, I don't even WANT to change them, because I really think I'm right. So then I conclude if I can't/don't want to change, I'm totally doomed and beyond help. The thing is, this is all probably just depressed rambling. I know at times when I've felt a bit better, I've looked back at things I've written about my thoughts, and thought "that was just complete meaningless nonsense." But if I say to myself now "I'll feel better soon and this will all just sound like rubbish," I get upset, it's like the future me is being cruel to me, and shutting down all my real problems and worries. Hope that makes sense. Anyway, even if I'm very stubborn about accepting kind words, I still appreciate hearing them.
Thank you for sharing this with us @lemurien I really appreciate you taking the time to talk us through all of these different thoughts that you've been having. I do want to start off though by saying you are certainly not doomed nor are you beyond help. There will always be help available to you, no matter how hopeless things may feel.
While these feelings could be something that you look back on and wonder why you felt this way, it doesn't change the fact that you did feel this way and they were real in that moment. Your feelings are valid @lemurien and I think its really incredible that you are able to find the words and share them with us. That just shows how brave and courageous you really are. In saying that, I do want to add that even if you don't see it, you are important to so many people and they see all of those strong and positive qualities in you.
I know you mentioned that you don't want to change these beliefs, and that is absolutely okay too, but I did find an article on Challenging negative thoughts that really helped me.
Is there maybe something nice you could do for yourself tonight to help yourself feel even just a little bit better?
We're all here for you 💜
Thank you for listening @Courtney-RO it means a lot that I can come here and you guys will listen so compassionately to whatever my thought process may be. It just helps that it's not only in my head, and seeing kind replies sort of models for me how I could be kinder to myself when I have these thoughts.
I actually liked that article! When I think about thought challenging/reframing I always think about all that stuff they teach you about finding distortions and figuring out if your thoughts are logical or realistic. Normally I either decide, "yes, it's logical to be negative about this, so shut up!" or "no, it's not logical but I don't care, it makes no difference to how I feel!" But this article had some different options which I appreciate.
I wanted to update as well that I met with the psychiatrist and I got a good vibe from her which has really given me hope. She took my history so carefully but then she said we would need another appointment to talk more before we could move forward, and I was so upset for a moment because my next appointment wasn't for another month. But no, she gave me another appointment for next week 🙂 I felt like it showed her commitment to helping me. A lot of psychs would be too busy and just say you have to wait.
Something nice for myself tonight... well just because you asked, I've decided to go have a chocolate biscuit 😆
Hey @lemurien,
I'm so happy that you got a good vide from the new psych, I know you've had some issues in the past 🤗 Psychs are people too, and you're not going to gel with everyone, so it's really great that you didn't let your past experiences deter you from getting help 💖
Do you have any other nice things that you can do for yourself leading up to your next appointment? And keep us posted as to how it goes!
Thanks @MAYC-RO , I really felt like I didn't know how I would go on if things didn't work out with this psych, I'm so thankful it seems like she will be of help. It is still hard waiting another week to speak to her again and I do worry about what faces me, like what treatment she will recommend and maybe it will be painful, scary or won't end up working. But at least things are moving forward a little bit. I'm sort of running out of nice things to do for myself. I'm sick of everything today and feeling like the world just isn't a nice place to be in. But I'm going to cat sit for my siblings in a few days, so I'll try to enjoy the kitties 🙂
Hey @lemurien !
I have to say reading your responses, that it just sounds like so much thinking... which might be a weird way of putting it, but I can see why you would be exhausted trying to argue with yourself when you have such a comprehensive argument. Even if like you said, you read it later and wonder what was going on in your head- it's very persuasive even if it doesn't make sense outside of your head!
I noticed particularly your point that "I think my beliefs are right, which means that if something is wrong at the core that I can't change". I'd hate to sound old (I kinda am, I'm aging out in a month's time 😶) but I think it's fair to have beliefs that just aren't going to change right now based on the circumstances that you're in, but that doesn't mean they're forever, or that you're 'wrong' for thinking them in that moment even if they're not true overall. Especially if you're stuck in a difficult situation and haven't really had the chance to see things a different way recently, if at all. I was speaking to a friend who has recently been diagnosed with ADHD (a different one to before- trust neurodivergents to hang out together 😆) and she's going through the same feelings of self-betrayal. I actually mentioned your experience to her because I saw the similarities! I can imagine that if I spoke to her she would talk about very similar things you have, about how the way the world is structured being against you and how it borders on cruelty. I don't necessarily think it's untrue or wrong to feel like that. For me, what's happening to you when you feel that way is what is really hard, and I'm sorry to hear that it's still a fight you're facing 😞
What you said also got me thinking about how we talk about body positivity, and toxic positivity. How for some people it's impossible to tell them to 'love their bodies' and that it'll all be magical when they do. I wonder if being able to accept that you feel this way, just from a neutral standpoint, would help? I can only speak from my experience, but I only started actually being 'proud' of my mental health difficulties, or at least not consumed by them, when I started volunteering with ReachOut, and started doing a bunch of things I enjoyed anyway despite my condition. That was three years after my diagnosis, so I think it's a big ask for you to feel better less than a year after. Could I ask if you've been doing anything in this time that has been working for you, or that's making you feel proud or at least happy?
@StormySeas17 WHAT I didn't know you were older than me!!! I still have about a year left! I will miss you so much, you've always been so supportive and insightful. I think you really have a gift. What you've said here is genuinely the first piece of advice in a long time that I've been able to nod along with and say "yes, that makes sense, I can look at it that way." What you said about it being ok to hold my beliefs right now even if they may be negative or not objectively factual, and that it doesn't make me 'wrong' for seeing things that way. That is so compassionate and it's like it gives me permission not to fight with myself. Because yes, it's so much thinking and it's so tiring! It's nice to have hope that with time and new experiences I'll be able to see things differently, rather than trying to force myself to adopt different beliefs right now. It's not that simple anyway, is it? Whatever I believe is based on how being in the world feels to me. I can't pick up some shiny new positive beliefs out of nowhere when I'm in the middle of a major struggle. I wouldn't be very convinced by them. But at the same time you're very right to point out that beliefs aren't static and I don't have to consider myself doomed just because I'm seeing things negatively right now.
Thanks for sharing a bit about your path to accepting your mental health and reminding me that it takes time. You're right, the ADHD diagnosis is only about 4 months old and as for the rest of it, this is the first time in my life I'm actually looking it all in the face to its full extent. So it's probably pretty reasonable to be scared, angry, confused, exhausted, etc. I like that volunteering helped you and it reminds me of a thought I recently had about how I'd love to work for a queer organisation. Something about, having this part of you that has made life difficult, and then taking that experience to a place where that part of you is the reason you have such a rich and valuable contribution. Yeah 🙂 Anyway, this conversation has really put me in a place much closer to neutral acceptance. I'm so grateful.
Let's see, something that has worked recently... I've been going through my days asking myself "what do you need right now?" or "what could you do right now?" and trying to just accept the answer. If I asked myself "could you go out for a walk?" and the answer was no, I'd try to take that and then say "alright, could you stand on the balcony for a minute?" and make it smaller and smaller until I found whatever it felt like I could do. That has gotten me through so far!