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dating advice

Apologies if im in the wrong section. I just got this

I met someone through an app 9 months ago ( please dont judge) and we dated  ( thats what he called it but you could call it seeing exclusively ) for 5.5months. even in jan he said he wasnt ready for a relo but we both kept it going. now we have stopped dating for 2 months but we are still friends and we still see each other and talk to each other. but he said hes passive, he doesnt initiate to meet or convos as thats his disposition and i feel like the one doing all the work yet he says he wants to be friends. i get upset sometimes over text when he doesnt initiate and he remains calm but i know im quite sensitive and for me initiating is a sign that they like you. i dont know if i should still be friends although he told me to move on and not wait for him but i cant really move on  when i see him  i feel closer although i have adjusted abit. its not as intense now. we didnt have sex as i wasnt ready not sure if thats affected the situation as well. i feel the whole thing was abit one sided due to this lack of initiating. i havent seen him in 6 weeks and plan to see him this week.this is the first time ive dated someone so not sure what to do

findingsolace
findingsolacePosted 26-06-2017 05:45 PM

Comments

 
dancingdragon4
dancingdragon4Posted 20-12-2019 02:58 AM

Hey you deserve better then a guy who is treating you like a back up plan so you deserve better and trust yourself and be supportive of you and your inner life. I had shit lie that when I was in South America. I lived in South America for a while and it seems like a lot of people who weren't born in South America don't know how to handle Latin Women. (I am gay FYI). They are very passionate women and have a really strong sense of self. They are extremely willful and very pretty. If you can make her interested in you, you are in for a ride. They are very much worth it. I know that it sounds weird and not a lot of people are informed about them so you should read online some info about them. There is a really good article that gives you the basic pointers you will need when dating a Gayneese women (https://idateadvice.com/everything-you-need-to-know-about-dating-guyanese-women.)

 
scared01
scared01Posted 27-06-2017 08:24 PM

hi @findingsolace

welcome to the forums. i hope you get the advice and support your after here.

 

hmm  i to me i think only one person making all the contact is abit slack on the others behalf. i know sometimes its hard to keep in contact but if you want a relationship to work then at least make some sort of effort.. do you get what i mean?

 

i hope your planned visit to see each other goes well for you. i dont think that jsut becasue the relationship doesnt work that you cant be friends so thats still an option for you as well

 

feel free to chat more too

 
 
findingsolace
findingsolacePosted 27-06-2017 08:31 PM

thanks for your advice. we werent in a relo but seeing exclusively... if that makes sense. i do assume the worst with what he says as feel our communication isnt good and as initiating is a sign for me that he likes me even as a friend im insecure about what he feels so assume the worst. i feel bad i have done  bad things by being negative and dismissive and getting mad so im trying to work on that.

 
 
 
findingsolace
findingsolacePosted 27-06-2017 08:36 PM

Also i dont know if my bipolar is affecting the situation with my personality to have negative self talk and think and analyse everything.

 
 
 
 
findingsolace
findingsolacePosted 27-06-2017 08:38 PM

right ok will do. thanks

 
 
 
 
 
scared01
scared01Posted 27-06-2017 08:39 PM

its also good that your aware of your bipolar as well and the effects it plays in your mind and how you see thing as well

so well done for that too @findingsolace

 
 
 
 
 
findingsolace
findingsolacePosted 27-06-2017 09:09 PM

wow thanks youre quite positive my friends just tell me to cut him out

 
 
 
 
 
letitgo
letitgoPosted 28-06-2017 06:09 PM

I agree with @scared01 in that it's really great that you're aware of the fact that your bipolar could be impacting your behaviour/the relationship. Do you think there are strategies you could use to try to minimise that, or communicate it to him? @findingsolace

 
 
 
 
 
findingsolace
findingsolacePosted 28-06-2017 07:42 PM

I dont think its the bipolar as im not manic or depressed but maybe my personality?

 
 
 
 
 
Bree-RO
Bree-ROPosted 28-06-2017 07:47 PM

Hey @findingsolace with the personality stuff do you mean when you mentioned earlier about over analysing? Lemme know 🙂

 
 
 
 
 
findingsolace
findingsolacePosted 28-06-2017 07:47 PM

yeah and thinking negatively , that when triggers the bipolar

 
 
 
 
 
Bree-RO
Bree-ROPosted 28-06-2017 08:15 PM

You are SO self aware @findingsolace which is a strong foundation in working through this stuff. Well done on that quality 🙂

I can't recall if I have asked do you see a GP/counsellor/psych regularly? Besides the professionals... There's a few things that can help with over analysing, one thing is - letting people know you have a tendency to overanalyse. I am an overanalyser myself, now sometimes I will actually just say to my mates "sorry my brain is going a million miles here, it's not you, I just overthink at times". I have found it super helpful, most people are very understanding. It's also good to remember that over analysing is simply our speculation or assumptions about what we think the other person is doing.. I also sometimes ask myself "what facts do I have to back this overthinking?". 

 

Another good resource for you could be mindfulness and meditation have you given any  of that a go? 🙂 

 
 
 
 
 
findingsolace
findingsolacePosted 28-06-2017 08:23 PM

thanks. I do have a dr, I dont see as often though as im not in an episode or about to be. i have seen ppl for a long time and now want tto break free from that for a while and manage on my own with the support of family and friends.  i heard somewhere about a love language and for everyone its different for me initiating is very important and as that isnt there so i get insecure and automatically assume the worst and am dismissive of him.. hes tried to improve on it but i havent give him much of a chance as i am quicker than him at initiating. i hope to let him after  i see him tomorrow. i did give meditation a go but took a break from that this week.  

 
 
 
 
 
letitgo
letitgoPosted 30-06-2017 12:26 PM

Good to hear that you gave meditation a go, have you found it helpful?

And I really admire the fact that you're so aware of your love language too. I've only read a bit about that concept, but it's one I find really fascinating!

Does he have a different love language you could work with as well?

 
 
 
 
 
scared01
scared01Posted 27-06-2017 09:18 PM

sometimes it not just as easy as 'cutting him out'

sometimes there is a reason hes holding back too, or maybe its jsut abit of you biploar affecting these negative feelings. i often find there is more to a situation then what meets the eye

 

good luck for when you guys catch up to

 

when do you plan to meet up again?

 

@findingsolace

 
 
 
scared01
scared01Posted 27-06-2017 08:36 PM

ahh yep that makes sense @findingsolace thanks for clarifying that.

maybe during your catch up you can have a chat about what he actaully feels and what he thinks as well. what his expectations are and how he thinks you guys should proceed as well. that will give you a clearer idea of how hes actaully feeling and what hes thinking. that way your not being dissmissive or negative but jsut asking what the go is- if that makes sense

 
Bree-RO
Bree-ROPosted 26-06-2017 06:20 PM

Hey @findingsolace thanks for sharing your story about the relationship, I have just popped this post into "getting help" so that it gets the right kind of support from other people on the forums 🙂

 

Definitely no  judgement in meeting him on an app I think this is very common now, it sounds like a really confusing place to sit between once having a relationship and being friends. Relationships really can be challenging sometimes huh? Over text messages too I can understand the sensitivity, it's easy to do when communicating through a screen. I guess the key thing for you could be working out what you really want moving forward.. And this could be as simple as a few basic questions like ideally what kind of relationship do you want and can you be friends with him without the romance etc? It sounds hard in that you're always initiating, would you feel comfortable being transparent with him about this when you meet up?

 

Other members of the forums might have some ideas for you too 🙂 There's also this article here. I think it's pretty amazing you didn't go ahead with sex if you weren't ready, it's important to stay in your comfort zone when it comes to your body so super well done on that.

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