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Pls help
Hi! I’m not very good at writing or explaining things so sorry In advance. I really really need help.
it is undiagnosed but I am thinking that I have ocd or similar. I definitely have a thing where I obsess over and have intrusive thoughts about my sexuality (I have always identified as straight but idk) such as ‘am I gay’ or ‘what if I’m bi’.
this is very annoying because it is difficult to know what is real and what isn’t. I no longer know who I am and everything is out of my control and it is scary.
but this feels real. And that is that I am wondering if I am on the asexual spectrum. I could be totally wrong. And I might just be thinking ‘weirdly’.
my friend is always pointing out guys everywhere we go and ‘oh he’s hot’ etc. I always agree but I know I’m lying. She says she would kiss them. I couldn’t do that. I agree because they are ‘attractive’ like good features and stuff. Like coz they fit the norms of ‘good looking’. I only like guys I see if they have good dress sense or a good ‘aesthetic’. I am 16 and I’ve never kissed anyone or had a boyfriend. (I am homeschooled though so that means nothing) and I don’t know how I feel about sex yet. I don’t mind reading it but I have no idea if I could actually do it. This is weird. Anyway.
but researching different sexualities when I’m doubtful about what I’m feeling is very difficult and has caused me multiple panic attacks.
can anyone help me and talk to me about the different things on the asexual spectrum maybe? And is it normal what I’m feeling or is it made up in my head?
my brain is at war with itself. The sexuality obsession is only a small part of things. The other stuff isn’t relevant right now.
I hurt myself. I don’t know how to deal with this. It’s getting worse.
someone please please help me. Someone.
Comments
Hiya @Pearlallmighty
I can hear that you are under a lot of distress at the moment. We are so glad that you decided to reach out and share your thoughts with the community. That must have been so difficult for you to do. Just so you know, I have sent you through an email if you don't mind having a look
You are most welcome @Pearlallmighty. I sent it through to the email you signed up with. If you still can't find it, don't stress, you can send me an email at forums@reachout.com and I can use that email instead
Hey @Pearlallmighty it sounds like you're going through a really tough time, particularly thinking about your sexuality. When I was in high school I also went through a lot of questions about my sexuality, particularly when I was 16. I relate to how uncomfortable it can feel to try to consider or 'imagine' whether something sexual is what you actually want, and have those thoughts in your head.
If you want to ask about asexuality at all I'm happy to discuss with you. I concluded eventually that I was asexual/demisexual. Now that I am out of high school and had a bit more exposure to lots of different people, looks and friends with different sexualities, I also identify with being asexual with biromantic elements. I completely understand what you mean about 'aesthetic' attraction and it's a word that a lot of asexual people use to describe their form of attraction. It makes sense that even if you aren't personally attracted to someone that you can recognise their social attractiveness.
You said that you don't know how you feel yet about sex and intimate things such as kissing too. I think that's completely normal for someone your age- I felt the same. Just because some people jump straight into relationships as teenagers doesn't mean that everyone knows what they want at that age, or even is interested when it comes to their own life. A lot of asexual people will happily consume media with sexual themes, even if they are completely uninterested or even repelled by the idea of doing it themselves.
I know it feels like this is something that nobody else struggles with, but I promise that it is real and that you're not alone. We live in a world where people are expected to just know their sexuality, for that sexuality to be straight, and for that to be the same over their entire life. In reality, sexuality is fluid and can depend on your age, your surroundings and even your partner. And it's okay to say that you feel asexual now and to maybe decide that isn't true when you are older- whatever helps you to understand what you're going through.
If it's okay for me to ask, you mentioned you think you might have OCD. Do you want to expand on why you think this? Have you been able to discuss how you're feeling in your brain with anyone else?
I can’t tell if I’m just overthinking every time I see a guy in public or not. Like I analyse everything I think and feel etc. that’s part of the ocd.
I saw a psychiatrist this morning and I got diagnosed with ocd!
But it’s so hard to tell what is real and what isn’t.
If it’s ok, could you just explain some of the sexualities on the asexual spectrum to me? Like the different ones and what they are? It’s fine if you can’t.
Also for me- I see pictures online of celebrities. Charlie south for example, my friend loves him and thinks he’s hot. I didn’t until I saw a photoshoot he did and it was all black aesthetic and I liked it.
Idk. But thank you so so much for responding 🙂
@Pearlallmighty it sounds like a lot to process, but @StormySeas17 has shared some really helpful insights. I totally agree that sexuality is fluid and can depend on a lot of things at different times. I think it's really healthy to question and to seek advice.
I'm not sure if you've already seen it, but we have some information on our website about exploring your sexuality that might be helpful if you'd like to take a look.
That's big news about your OCD diagnosis - how do you feel about it?
How are you feeling today?
@Pearlallmighty no problem! I'm glad I could use my experiences to help you ❤️
That makes sense that you would feel it a lot in public and with friends- it must be really difficult in the moment to start having those thoughts. I'm happy you got to see a psychiatrist about it 🙂 How do you feel about your diagnosis?
I'm happy to explain what I find helps 😊 essentially the asexual spectrum is just that- a spectrum. To me it all comes down to not feeling any, or noticeably less, sexual/physical attraction than the average person as a general part of your life. I generally find it helps to divide it into attraction levels, comfort with sex and sexual topics, and romantic attraction.
Attraction levels you can divide roughly into three: asexual, grey-asexual, and demisexual. An asexual person will essentially never feel sexually attracted to someone, they'll experience 'aesthetic' attraction as you mentioned. Grey-asexuals will maybe rarely find someone 'hot'. I have a friend who identifies this way and she has a very particular 'type' which she will feel attraction towards if she sees, but never any other time. Demisexual describes asexual people who don't feel physically attracted to someone until they have a close bond with them, for example a partner they love. It can be a funny thing to find someone attractive and then break up with them and not feel that way anymore 😅 I think 'hot' vs 'cute' can be a good way to define your level of attraction. There's a big difference between your friend talking about how they'd want to get close and personal with someone, and going 'wow I'd love to give that cute guy a squeeze and stare at him from afar' if that makes sense.
There's also three 'levels' of comfort around sex and sexual topics. Sex-repelled/repulsed asexuals have no interest in any sort of sexual activity and will avoid it, sex-positive asexuals are fine with it and may seek out intimate relationships, and sex-neutral asexuals don't care either way. Libido/physical drives are different to sexual attraction. This may be one reason why asexuals may enjoy that sort of content while not feeling attraction to people in their everyday lives, or want to do it themselves 🙂
Romantic attraction is which gender identities you would be happy to be in a relationship with, hugging or kissing but not the sexual aspects. For example, if you are bi/panromantic, you could imagine yourself dating men, women or nonbinary individuals. If you are homoromantic you would want to only date members of your own gender. It's the same as the '-sexual' terms but refers to everything but the physical attraction. Sometimes asexual individuals may struggle in with romantic touch too (it is physical after all) but will become comfortable with it, but a sex-repulsed asexual who feels romantic attraction will still never feel comfortable with anything sexual.
An honourable mention here is aromantic. Aromantic people find they don't connect to people romantically, like a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner would. I've heard of non-asexual aromantics but the two often come together.
If I've missed any terms that you've seen online that's not my intention to exclude them! I'm just going off what I am familiar with. I would say (if you feel comfortable) an easy way to figure out where your attraction sits is to listen to what your friends who are confident in their sexuality experience. I have a friend who is the straightest person I know and I learned a lot about my sexuality off her 😅 I hope that it helped a bit.
Hi, @Pearlallmighty, I think you explained what you're going through really well. Opening up about feelings and thoughts about sexuality is something a lot of people find challenging.
You asked if what you're going through is normal, and I felt it was important to address that first. I'm learning more and more that there is no such thing as "normal" - human beings are far too complex to have one default "normal" mode.
It doesn't matter whether you are straight, gay, bi, asexual or something else - you are normal. In saying that, I understand that it isn't easy to slow anxious racing thoughts, and they are causing you distress.
You mentioned that you hurt yourself and feel your brain is at war with itself. That must be exhausting to go through. Does anyone in your family or friendship group know how you've been feeling?