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Constant loneliness

I'm aware I might sound pathetic or just like a dramatic teenager (I'm almost 17). I go to an all girls school and I don't have heaps of friends but not a shortage either. Out of my friends, however, I only feel close with three of them. Due to being in senior years, my friends are busier than normal and it's hard for them to have time to socialise as much as in the past. My parents work full time from early in the morning to late and my one sibling (my twin sister) isn't interested in talking to me or doing anything with me. 

At the moment, it's school holidays and it's particularly noticeable that there's noone around to do anything with. I'll be sitting at home bored out of my mind on my laptop trying to pass the time and sleeping in to 11pm because everyday just feels like it drags on and there's nothing to do. Sometimes it feels like I have no friends- it can get like this during the school term too and not being able to catch up on weekends or do fun things in the afternoons like other teenagers. I really feel the loneliness and boredom and being a person who is naturally very social, I sometimes feel a bit depressed and unsatisfied with my life. I know to overcome that I can't just sit around and feel bad for myself so I try to organise things and get out but it doesn't happen anywhere near as much as I'd like. 

Going to an all girl's school means I've never had a boyfriend and I'm not really socialising with any guys. I feel like this is an important part of a person's life and I'm only getting half of it by talking to just girls, I should have a mixture of girl and guy friends. I've never had a boyfriend and I have to admit having one would be nice but I know that's unrealistic considering circumstances and I'm fine without but it's just an add on to the lonely thoughts. I feel abnormal as things are. I also worry that by the time I graduate I won't be ready for the real world in terms of talking to guys and dating and everything really. It makes me anxious even thinking about it. 

Overall, I just feel incredibly lonely and unhappy with my life and scared for the future. It leaves me feeling extremely unmotivated to do simple things. I want to get out and be doing things almost everyday. It's demoralising to always try and arrange stuff and have it not happen over and over and it makes me wonder why I bother. I find myself daydreaming about what I wish my life was like. It's not so much an issue of making friends, I can easily get along with people and I'm generally a likeable person but these are friendships with girls who most of the time I find plain boring and lacking in personality, all copying off eachother and trying to sound dumb (talking about hair, makeup, shopping and not willing to do action things or spontaneous stuff and talk about interesting things or they lack a sense of humour etc) so I don't try any harder with them. I know once I leave school I can make more friends but I still have a year to go and the loneliness is at the point that even that time will be difficult. 

I have never tried to talk to my close friends about this due to the stigma of loneliness and how pathetic it is. Also because I don't want it to seem like I'm needy when some of the loneliness is because I don't think we do things together enough. My parents say I can't rely on others to make me happy and I need to be more independent. But I don't find walks or runs or doing things by myself fun for example, I want to be able to talk to people and do stuff with them and not be wrapped up in my own thoughts when I already have too much time to go over them. Sorry for typing so much but I really am not coping with this loneliness, I've felt this way for a couple of years now, and I'm not sure how logical it is but I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it or make it better.

Does anyone else feel this way and how should I deal with it? 

Re: Constant loneliness

Hey @RedKombi, sorry to hear that you've been feeling lonely and having trouble finding people to hang out with as regularly as you'd like to.

 

Have you considered finding a club or something to join outside of school? Or maybe making a study group with people from other schools (particularly if you need to get the parents on board)? Even if you only find one club that interests you, at least that would be a start that you could build from, and if you join an existing club then it won't be you having to organise everything all the time as well which is a bonus. What do you reckon?

____________________#iftoastershadfeelings____________________

Re: Constant loneliness

Hi @RedKombi, thanks for posting.  This is a really good post and one that could definitely help a lot of people!  It sounds like you've been feeling this loneliness for quite a while now, and you are worried and flat that you aren't forming deeper and more fulfilling relationships right now?  Although this can feel pretty horrible, it is really common and normal, especially during high school when there's an expectation to be kicking-ass socially.  Loneliness is definitely not something to be ashamed about.

 

School holidays can be a great time for relaxing and collecting yourself, but they can also really highlight when you're alone.  Sometimes it feels like if we aren't doing something with others then we are insome way failing, but this definitely isn't the case!  Friendships really do come and go, and sometimes you have more of them then others.  It sounds like you're a pretty interesting and fun person with some great insight, so it seems more than likely that meeting new friends and boyfriends in the future won't be a problem!  In the meantime though, it might be worth checking out some of this material on loneliness and isolation. 

 

Also, it's fantastic that you have really been trying to rememedy this on your own by trying to organise catch ups and what-not, but it sounds like when these things fall through that your loneliness is turning into worrying and spilling over into other areas of your life? What other activities make you feel good?  Are there times when you're alone that you don't feel flat and isolated?

Finally, I just wanted to restate that a lot of these thoughts are really common.  It's pretty rare that someone emerges from school without a worry about their future.  What would you tell a friend in your situation?  (Also, I guarantee that no matter how many boyfriends you've had, if you really like someone you'll feel pretty self-conscious and like a bit of a goob regardless, but that's part of the fun!)

 

Again, great post, let us know how you're going

 

Re: Constant loneliness

I have thought about it and I like the idea but wasn't really sure what to join or where to look. In the past couple of months I have started going to art classes every Tuesday and there are people my age there however I wouldn't consider that a particularly social thing when everyone is very focused and working on their own project. It is an extra thing to keep me occupied though and help with boredom. I'll try to think of some other options, thanks. 

Re: Constant loneliness

Yes, I have been feeling like that for a while now. I referred to it as constant loneliness because it does feel like a constant thing. I'm aware of it but it definitely fluctuates and I'm not always feeling terrible about it all the time- I can go by with good weeks where it's not that noticeable and bad ones where it really gets to me (often during holidays). Thank you so much for the link, I'll have a look at it. 

Yes, I have been trying to organise stuff. It's not like I'm the only one of my friends making an effort to organise things, I just find myself doing it more frequently. I don't think I do stuff by myself enough but on some days that I try it'll just be simple things I enjoy like walking the dog or going for swims.

On good days doing that is helpful for clearing my mind and it's just nice to get outside and something I enjoy. Indoor things I can do alone to pass the time would be art or reading a book for example. I know I should limit the use of devices because often I just use them to mindlessly pass the time and they make me feel worse.  

On bad days I get uncomfortably aware or selfconscious of myself being alone. I can get irrational thoughts that people will somehow notice my loneliness as if it's a visible thing. Sometimes I get anxiety about being alone and thoughts of vulnerability (this anxiety means I also have to talk myself up a lot and reassure myself in order to even get out the door, it's impractical, I know).

On days when people have had to bail or been unable to come to something I've tried to organise I can get into a negative attitude of 'well I tried to do something today but there's no point doing anything now', more often than not rather than doing something by myself in alernative. Also what I said about myself finding it just more boring or repetitive or feeling like I'm limited in options as to what I can do alone. 

Thanks for the reassurance that these are common feelings. It's easy to think sometimes that most people aren't having these issues and are almost always having a good time, especially when people post things on Instagram and it seems like an exciting impression of their lives. I like to think I'm going to try and be more independent with getting out and doing things and enjoying myself without needing to match up with other's schedules. 

 
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Re: Constant loneliness

Thank you RedKombi for putting this into words better than I ever could have!

I moved out of home and away from all my friends and family to be closer to uni and I've been feeling a similar lonliness for a while now.. Although I don't have a problem talking to people at uni I don't feel close to anyone that I've met and I often feel quite isolated. I find it hard to form relationships with new people and have started to feel really quite anxious when I'm faced with a new social situations. 

ReachOut crew, is there any chance you could give me any tips or tricks on how to overcome this social anxiety? 

Re: Constant loneliness

Hi @RedKombi,

 

I think that @tsnyder has given you some amazing tips and highlighted how much of an insightful person you are. 

 

It can be really unsettling having feelings of anxiety which might stop you from leaving the house on a 'bad day.' Do you thinbk that there are others who might feel the same?

 

One thing I have noticed is that you are really motivated to overcome this by organising things with friends, or doing something relaxing like going for a walk with the dog. This is absolutely fantastic, and the more you stop anxiety from effecting you the easier things will get for you. I encourage you to keep challenging your anxiety.

 

I notice a similar pattern with my own friends on social media platforms like Instagram FB and so on... and then I remind myself that I never advertise when I'm having a 'boring' or 'non-exciting' day. Other people are likely to do something similar. It's great fun to post photos of your radical social life, but no one can socialise like that on every day of the week... unless they don't do anything else!

I guess where I'm going with this is that you're doing a great job. 

 

Do you look at other strangers and judge them if they are alone? If you don't, it's very unlikely that other people are judging you.

 

Here to help,

 

Lahna