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ED stuff

i spoke to my psychiatrist today about some of my current ED stuff. He was actually happy that my best mate is forcing me to eat and not purge.

but i cant take it. like why is everyone happy that im fat and putting on weight. 

 

is this recovery?

like just coz im eating rn and not engaging in the behaviours doesnt mean im better. weight is still all i think about. its frustrating. ansd i feel my ED is bad because it feels like all i do is binge all day, food is all i think about. yet im not counting cals right now coz it would depressed me to much. 

 

and im thinking about how to relapse when i get a new place. like all the excuses i could use to get out of eating and stuff. depending on where i go will determine if its catered or not.and if i do go to the catered place im thinking of how i could get out of meal times. 

 

idk it feels like none of this matters coz its good im eating. but it just makes me hate myself more. i dont even know how you guys can help. i dont know how to organise my thoughts to deal with any of this. becuase like i actually want my ed back

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Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
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Re: ED stuff

hi @redhead Smiley Happy

 

your feelings do matter, even if they conflict with how things are going on the outside

 

it sounds like you've been feeling frustrated with your progress with recovering from ED, like the thoughts that keep coming up.. or is the frustration coming from feeling like you don't want to recover from it but others wanting you to?

 

i guess change happens gradually and sometimes it doesn't feel like anything is changing or that things are going backwards, which can feel discouraging.. 'a lapse is not a relapse'

Re: ED stuff

I am not currently diagnosed with an eating disorder but my psychologist has mentioned it is a possibility and i have not spoken to my psychiatrist about it so yeah.... anyway back to you. i can get some of the feelings you are having about not wanting your ED to go away to me my eating issues feel like a safe place like they feel like they help me and support me in a way that is very hard to explain but feels comforting. like whenever anything is going on i run to them and they somehow fix things or at least tell me how to fix things. they give me guidance and a kind of stability that i cant seem to get from anything else although at the same time they make me say and angry and frustrated and ashamed and make me feel worthless but for some reason i still feel like i need them or the world is going to end. i dont know if i am making any sense or not but i hope you get what i am saying. all i mean is i think i get what you are saying and i dont think it is weird i think it is normal. i am not saying you shouldnt aim for recovery i just mean dont feel like your feelings are "wrong" because they are just feelings.  

Re: ED stuff

@cupcakes_032 I don't want to recover tbh.

@Eden1717 yeh. I can totally relate to that. Hugs
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: ED stuff

@Eden1717 thanks for sharing that. It's hard as an outsider of ED experience to understand it but that certainly helped me.

Sounds like you and @redhead have some really confusing feelings about food and I can't even begin to try and help you sort that out. I can relate to the confusion about trying to organise your thoughts though. That can be super overwhelming. I find talking to others about it can help.

About recovery though, my thoughts are that recovery is journey towards a life where your mental health issues are no longer occupying the majority of your thoughts and energy day-to-day. Recovery IMO is where you're in control of how you cope with life and you make choices free of MI. Doesn't mean you don't still have a diagnosis or symptoms or bad days where your MI takes over, but for most of the time, you're able to engage in life in a way that means something good to you and your MI is in the background, not the foreground.

Re: ED stuff

I think for me the hardest thing with my eating issues and the whole thing about "recovery" is that sort of means getting rid of the thoughts but in my mind the thoughts are helpful and safe and they make me feel better in a way so the thought of getting rid of them is both scary and somewhat strange because the thing i have been going to for help all this time would suddenly be gone and then what would i do? i feel like well for me anyway it feels safer to keep them than it does to get rid of them even if it is destroying my body because otherwise i feel like i would be left with nothing at all. and to be honest this week has been horrible but the only reason i am still here is because i feel like i have some control over my eating and it has yet again kept me safe so for me right now i dont think i could get rid of them but that is just me idk if you can relate or not @redhead

Re: ED stuff

@Eden1717 I can relate. My ED thoughts have been a constant in my life for years.
And getting rid of them also makes me feel like I've just been faking, if I suddenly decide my body isn't fat then all the time I did was pointless if that makes sense.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: ED stuff

@redhead I can understand that i feel like i am faking my issues sometimes. it really messes with you. how are things going today?