It feels like everyone is leaving me (Part 2)

[Eden1717]

@Lost_Space_Explorer5  I am sorry you are still feeling bad i hope you feel better soon. 

[Lost_Space_Explorer5]

Hey @Maddy-RO I'm feeling better now, thanks for checking in I told my parents how I've been feeling and mum said me thinking they wanted me dead was in my head so things feel less intense now. **(TW) I ended up calling KHL this morning cause I was having really dark thoughts on top of the normal ones, including thoughts of even threatening my family or like breaking things and that really freaked me out because I don't usually get those kind of urges- it's more about hurting myself, so I was really worried I had gone crazy or something?**

Thanks for being so supportive @Eden1717 and @MB95, sorry I didn't reply very much- I just didn't know how to articulate things. I'll definitely have to look into those places that smash things for fun

Oh my gosh I love the sloth magnets @MB95! Every time I see sloth paraphernalia I think of you too lol

[WheresMySquishy]

I'm so glad you're feeling better now @Lost_Space_Explorer5! Well done for telling your parents how you were feeling and reaching out to KHL! That must have taken a lot of courage.
I'm sorry that you've been struggling with intrusive thoughts. What you're experiencing sounds really scary. Just remember, a thought is just a thought and it does not mean anything good or bad by itself. It can be hard to ignore our thoughts, but just because we have a thought does not mean we have to act on it. Has anything helped you cope with these thoughts?

[Lost_Space_Explorer5]

Thanks @Where'sMySquishy These thoughts felt different to my intrusive thoughts cause I know I would never act on the intrusive thoughts but they still scare me cause 'what if'. But I just felt so angry and unwanted today that I felt like I would do something crazy and snap if I didn't talk to someone.

****(Trigger warning)*****

I felt I would have to do myself in just to stop myself from hurting my family. I mean maybe they were intrusive thoughts but like I used to get really angry in the past when I was younger and I did actually hurt my mum Even though it wasn't hugely damaging I still feel guilty about it now. Even though mum like hurt me back years afterwards it still didn't make it right So I'm always afraid I'll lose my temper like that again.. And once mum said something to really hurt me and I like made a gesture with something (I don't want to break the guidelines) that I could hurt myself with and said 'is this what you want?' and jeez that was not okay so I'm afraid I would do something like that again I was younger and not getting any help but I still get scared of myself sometimes I wish I'd gotten help back then cause I was not okay I like didn't think my parents were my parents because nothing seemed real and I was dissociating so much) ***************

Okay I just overshared sorry guys

[Eden1717]

@Lost_Space_Explorer5  i am sorry you have been so rattled by your thoughts it is hard when you have such intense thoughts. I dont think you should feel guilty about what happened when you were younger growing up is a learning process and there is a lot we dont know when we are young and that isnt our fault. you have worked hard to learn more about yourself and how to process your emotions and that is great but it is also ok to make mistakes sometimes. either way you seem to be doing a good job of managing your feelings even if it doesnt feel like that. also dont worry about an overshare this place is full of that lol. 

[MB95]

I am so proud of you for telling your parents how you're feeling! I hope it's taken some weight and darkness away ❤

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @Lost_Space_Explorer5, I was just wondering where are you at with all of this now? The way you were feeling must have been really intense and frightening You did a good thing by reaching out to KHL and telling your parents. I imagine both of things must have been really difficult to do in that moment of sheer distress What a really massive day, I bet you are feeling drained.

[Lost_Space_Explorer5]

I was old enough to know better @Eden1717 Thanks @MB95

@Taylor-RO I'm feeling okay now, thanks for checking in It was scary and I kind of regret it but I'm in an oversharing mood at the moment lol so I told mum too much about how I was feeling. Ah well

[MB95]

I know you might feel uneasy about sharing so much with her, but I think she'd be very appreciative that you did. I also think it was EXTREMELY BRAVE of you!!!! I really wish I had your strength and courage to speak up to my parents. Honestly, well done - I'm very proud of you! And you should also be proud of yourself because I can only imagine that wouldn't have been easy for you ❤

[Eden1717]

@Lost_Space_Explorer5  even if you knew better it is ok mistakes happen that doesnt make you a bad person or anything all we can do is try and do better next time. I am glad you are feeling ok now.