Feel like I'm going crazy (TW (I think?))
I feel like I'm going crazy.
I've developed 'tics' where I can't stop myself from shaking my head, winking, clicking my tongue etc. I think it's some weird manifestation of my anxiety or stress, though I can't find any online article about it.
I'm also really struggling with self harm atm. I get into these 'trances' or something where all I can do is go through the motions. It's the only thing that can take me away from the pain immediately.
I feel so selfish for wanting help but I also want someone to see that I'm freaking drowning and the people I love most either don't know how to help me or don't care enough to see me in constant pain.
The whole thing just makes me feel so hopeless; I don't know what's wrong with me and it feels like the only way to get help is to point and say "This. This is what I need help with."
I need to stop thinking so much and feeling that's something is terribly wrong but I don't know if someone could solve my problem cause it's not something I can point to. If I knew what was making me feel like I was losing my mind I would at least be able to deal with it on my own a little better.
I've been trying to journal but it's been essentially the same essence each entry; "Today sucked again. I'm in pain. Maybe I'm just making it up." Because it feels like bullshit. Like I SHOULD just stop thinking about 'it', when I don't even have a name for 'it'. But there is just something. That's the only thing I know, even if I'm making it all up, then that's still something wrong with me. No 'okay' person makes up things that are wrong with them.
I still don't know what I'm asking for help on this... Maybe insight? Help? Someone may tell me something that I haven't thought about for the 30th time from 20 different perspectives?
I still don't know if I can be helped. I feel like an attention seeker/liar. And I'm either mentally ill or someone who makes themselves feel like crap until they have proof that they've suffered and hence 'require' help.
Comments
Hi @Secret_Pigeon!
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. It sounds like you're really struggling. It can be so hard having all sorts of weird symptoms and not knowing what's wrong. 
Stress and anxiety can cause all kinds of physical symptoms, so it could be related, but then again I'm not a professional.
I think that speaking to your GP is a good idea. Maybe it would help to show someone your journal or write down how you're feeling, because you sound so articulate.
First of all, I recommend seeking out a counsellor or some professional help because even without the tics, it sounds like you're going through a rough time and I think it could really help.
Secondly, I have a similar thing. I've struggled with anxiety my whole life and on and off depression for 5 years. Sometimes I get these weird urges/compulsions/thoughts that someone is spying on me from my wardrobe or under my bed so whenever I go into my room I have to check there. I know it's illogical and I feel like I'm going 'crazy' too, but I talked about it with my therapist and she immediately told me it was an OCD symptom - but this does NOT mean I have OCD. It's just that my brain's glitching a little. A lot of mental health symptoms overlap and come out in weird ways and now we're working on it! I don't know if this is what's going on with you, but it I just wanted to share my personal experience! You'll get there!
I also remember reading something once and it said something along the lines of, "if you're thinking that you've made it up, you probably haven't because the people that have wouldn't be doubting themselves". I don't know if that makes sense but it was something like that.
All the best x
The 'OCD symptom' thing makes a lot of sense to me. I know a couple times I've had this intense irrational fear that if I ate something that something terrible would happen and I had to 'check' in my head whether I was 'allowed' to eat cheese or something. But this (among other anxiety related topics) fear would wear me down so much that I didn't care what I was thinking anymore that lead me doing some pretty stupid things. Cutting my hair, self harm, etc (but I also didn't care if I ate a sandwich so there's that). I don't know how to fix this.
Like... there's 'me', the anxious 'me' and the numb 'me' that literally doesn't care about anything (for better and for worse lol). I can only be one of them at a time and I can't remember the last time where I was 'me'. I'm just sort of floating around without any real attachment, I'm at the mercy of what version of myself pops up lol.
I don't really know how to get real help though. I've tried talking to a counselor at my University but it kinda went no where because they wanted me to tell them what I wanted to do; and I just don't know. I don't want to feel like this. That's the only thing I know, if I knew the way to get there then I'd probably not be in this situation lol.
Thanks again.
Hey @Secret_Pigeon
You've done a really good job of describing your emotions and anxieties. From what I've read you're also very self aware - which can be a really important part of managing anxiety. I'm sorry to read that it feels like it's been a long time since you've been "you" without the anxiety or numbness. It must be hard not knowing which version of you will pop up.
Good on you for seeking help at uni, that's a great first step. Seeking help for mental health can be hard and it can take time to find someone you feel comfortable to dive into all this with. In saying that - finding a counsellor/psychologist that you get along with is a very worthy pursuit!
The first step of finding someone to talk to would be to see your local GP and ask for a mental health care plan. They will usually ask you some questions and then refer you to someone who you can have 6-10 free sessions with. You can also use this Psychologist directory, where you can input your location/areas of concern etc and it will make suggestions. You can read through the profiles of the psychologists too.
On that note I'd like to second @smileandwave recommendation of Headspace - they are awesome 
In terms of getting help, I'd really recommend headspace. If you haven't heard of them, they're a free counselling and therapy service and have a website pretty similar to here on reachout and have a crisis helpline and online chat. They have a variety or services, groups and activities. They're pretty great! (I swear I'm not an ad, I just really love these guys).
But the best place to start with seeking help is a GP. Talk to them about whats going on and they'll usually be able to help you in the right direction. They might refer you to someone in the area or they can prescribe something or whatever! If money is problem, they can help you find a service that's free or cheap.
A lot of counsellors and the like will ask you want you want to do, and I usually have the same answer as you, just not to feel like this. And that's ok! I think it's a matter of finding the right counsellor that can work with you to find out how you can do that.
And it's not just counselling and therapies, there's support groups, self-care, medication out there. It does take a bit of searching sometimes which is THE worst, but don't give up, because it IS out there.
Hey @Secret_Pigeon
Thank you for sharing what is going on for you with us I can sense how hard things are for you at the moment so it's good to see you seeking support here. You mentioned trying to find articles online - ReachOut actually have lots on mental health if you ever wanted to check them out. There's a whole section on anxiety here.
It can be really scary when you know something isn't right, but you're not sure what is is yet. In these situations I feel the best thing to do is to talk it over with a mental health professional who can take some of the uncertainty out of this experience for you. You mention feeling like you can't get help with the problem, as you don't know what to call it. Working with a professional will help you to give what is happening inside you a name. From there you can see what support you need to feel better. Have you thought about taking this step before?
Even though things feel unclear at the moment, know that we are here to listen to your concerns and offer our support. You are not alone
I just also wanted to give you a heads up that I had to edit your post as some of it went against our community guidelines that you can read here when you feel up to it.
It sounds like you are in a very rough patch at the moment wich sucks. It can be hard when you are in these times and stuck in these places o t can be even harden when you feel alone and like no one cares. If I could suggest that if you are still in school, why not go meet up with your school counselor they are very kind people that can help you build up your support networks and can help find other people you can chat or confide in. If you are not at school the best place you can go is either your local gp or hospital and ask for help there. I know this may be scary but please have a bit of trust in this stranger you will feel better one day soon. And I know you have the courage and strength to get the help you need and the help you deserve. You may feel alone but I can tell you that you are still an increadably strong beautiful human that puts something special in the world waiting to be discovered, and you will discover why ypur hear one day and you will be so grateful for all your scares and bruises coz they truly are beautiful and shapped you into you. And if you feel like no body loves you I do and I support you, and I hope you feel better soon and please take care you deserve it. X
