Feeling weird, TW
I don’t really know what I’m doing or how this’ll go but oh well I feel like I just want to say stuff anyways. Beware, I will be talking about sex and trauma, if this makes anyone upset please stay safe and don’t read further ❤️
i have been in a very loving relationship with my boyfriend for close to a year now, and lost my virginity to him but only after many times of trying to have sex, only to not get anywhere because of severe pain that caused me to scream and cry and stop any penetration further. Turns out I had vaginismus and so that sucked but we took it slowly and carefully until it finally happened properly so like yay us.
For a while I was pretty ecstatic and euphoric about finally being able to “feel like an aduly” (yes I know how wrong that sounds lol), and I still do feel that way often, get there have been changes in the way I view sex and think about it, even during sex. Sometimes I just feel so emotional and innocent and I cry because of this. I guess I just don’t want to disappoint him, even though I know he’d feel more comfortable knowing that I’m ok.
Sometimes I still feel like a little girl even though I’m like 19, I feel too young for some things but then fine the next time? It’s just strange to me. It may have something to do with that my childhood self was ridden with an unknown anxiety and I always felt scared, also that nearly all of my early/mid teens years were spent in and out of hospitals for mental health issues and being suicidal. I felt like I wasn’t living, I was numb most of the time and didn’t care for myself. I feel like I’ve never really had the chance to be a happy/content child. I talk to my boyfriend about all this, and he mentioned something about having repressed memories, maybe things happened to me to make me feel the way I did. I’m not sure though, and if I did have any repressed memories that were shitty, I don’t even think I’d want to remember them.
I dont really know what to do about any of this, if I should seek therapy again or not. On one hand I want to figure things out but on the other I don’t want to burden my parents with paying for therapy (I have a job but it probs can’t pay for that shiz). They’ve already spent so much on me for hospitals an family therapy, as well as clinics and meds. I just don’t know how to help myself either.
This has turned out longer than I expected oopsie but anyway I jus hope everyone has a good and dandy day, if anyone reads this or not I don’t mind I mainly just typed this up for myself to try and move forward.
adios amigos
Comments
@Lizardneck thankyou for reaching out, I just wanted to check in on you and was wondering if you needed some guidance seeking out accessible therapy options, or some other professional resources? Let us know and we can direct you to different parts of the forum if you like.
How are things for you in the meantime?
It definitely sounds like you have been on a big journey @Lizardneck ! I am sorry to hear that you were having issues, but it sounds like some of them have gotten better now. From the sounds of it, you have been having a lot of different thoughts lately. It sounds like you have given a lot of time and thought into figuring out what these thoughts mean. That is really awesome ! I think your boyfriend has been really supportive of you, which is lovely to hear.
You might find it helpful to talk to a counsellor or psychologist about the thoughts you have been having and discussing the meaning that these thoughts hold for you. I understand that you don't want to burden your parents with the cost of therapy, so I just want to ask you whether you are aware of a mental health care plan? If you make an appoitnment with your local GP you can ask them to develop a mental health care plan for you where you can then access some psychological services at a reduced cost. This might be a good option for you.
There is also another option of accessing local services that the GP might know of, or accessing helplines such as Kids Helpline, Headspace or Beyond Blue and talking to a counsellor for free over the phone. I think you would find it to be helpful as it would allow you to get some of these thoughts off your chest. Please feel free to keep us updated 
