Friend being weird?
Hello!
So I have a situation that I'm not sure is normal or not?
I have a friend who's been a friend for about 4 years, and we were pretty close. However, he has recently been sending me a lot of sexual imagery (not nudes or anything, just weird stuff), and justifying it with 'you're gay, you should like this too'. I'm really not a fan of it, and I've asked him not to but he keeps saying that I should like it...
I wanted to ask whether it's worth it to keep talking to him? He's fairly suicidal and not mentally okay, and I'm pretty sure I'm the only person he actually talks to about it, so that's kind of the reason I stay, but I kind of don't want to anymore? But also I don't want him to hurt himself, and I really don't know what to do.
Suggestions would be very appreciated, thank you so much!
Comments
Hi @Ani_Faeth
I've gone through the previous replies and I just want to say that you're a really great friend. You're very preceptive and considerate - and that's perhaps the reason that you friend building dependence upon you. Perhaps, he is chronically in need of attention (and validation), but don't know how to express them in an appropriate, healthy and respectful manner. I can imagine when all that misarticulated emotions being dumped at you can be exhausting and concerning - like you mentioned before about you don't want your friend to get hurt even further. It must feel hurt when he might be abusing your sympathy as you are the only person that will take him seriously.
Hope the replies from Courtney and Portia help! This is indeed a complex situation. I agree with @Anzelmo too. Asking your friend to seek professional help can be the most ideal (and safe - for both of you). However, I do acknoledge that doing so can make your friend feel abandoned, considering you are the only friend that he talks to these things about. This article on the website can help you navigate through such difficult conversations if you've decided to embark on them. Really hope this helps.
Thanks heaps.
Hi @Ani_Faeth
Hope you are okay. I can see you are in a very difficult situation. I think what's most important is that you are able to set and maintain personal boundaries.
Also, I think that your friend shouldn't rely on you and I hope they are seeing professional help.
Hi @Ani_Faeth thank you for taking the time to share with us today. I'm sorry to hear that your friend has been putting you in such an uncomfortable position. I can only imagine how hurtful and frustrating this must be for you.
I can hear just how much you care about your friend and how much you don't want to hurt them, that just shows what a kindhearted and caring person you are. It can also be really hard when you are the only person your friend talks to about their mental health, so I can understand your confusion. How do you manage such heavy information? Is there someone you feel comfortable talking to when things get hard?
You mentioned that you have spoken to this friend about their behaviour before, do you mind me asking how they responded to this? Did you notice any change after bringing it up with them? If you are interested in having a bit of a read, we do have an article on How to tell your friend that they have hurt you, which might give you a couple of ideas of what to do next. I just want to remind you that you are important too and you matter. We're all here for you 💜
Hi @Courtney-RO
Thanks for your reply, it really means a lot 🙂 I've got a friend that I can talk to about this, but I've only recently told him anything, and not much of that. I think I don't want to really unravell it all, as I don't quite know what to think of it yet? Mostly I've just kept it to myself.
I have also only recently started talking to the friend about his actions, but so far I don't think he's taken what I've said very seriously, again only saying 'Yes but you should like it', and things like that. I'll read the article, I think that'll be pretty helpful.
XD I think I just need to get over myself and tell him exactly how his actions are hurting me, but I know that he doesn't take them seriously? He thinks it's just a bit of fun, I think.
I'm just having trouble right now with the whole 'You shouldn't need to change for your friends' but from his point of veiw? As in, he's probably going to feel bad and act strangely towards me for the next couple of months after I tell him, and because we go to the same school that's going to be weird?
I'm not sure what I want my relationship with him to be, he's always been nice to me, but it seems like a fake sort of nice that is just him trying to get closer to me? He does some unprecidented things like calling me by my full name (people usually only refer to me by my nickname), which is absolutely harmless but it just makes me feel weird, like he's trying to make himself different and more important in my eyes because he calls me something different?
He's also done some other strange things in the past, like sending me a suicide message, then not answering my calls or texts, then texting me two days later saying it was a joke and he just wanted to mess with me? I'm not entirely sure if it was a joke and enquired about it, but things like that make me really angry and he just didn't seem to take it seriously when I pulled him up on it.
After all that however, he's still a good guy and I'm not sure if my perceptions are skewed because of my previous experiences with him? I don't know, I think I just need a second opinion to tell me if the things he's doing are normal or not, because if they are I can look at what's in my head that's making me biased, and if they aren't then I can take that up with him.
Sorry this is really long, this is the culmination of about three years' worth of stuff that I've kind of just kept to myself, it honestly feels really good to just write it and have someone listen.
Thanks so much!
Hi @Ani_Faeth , I'm sorry to hear about everything that's been going on with your friend and that he isn't taking you seriously when you're discussing his it with him. It's definitely not okay for him to be making you uncomfortable like that - just because you're gay doesn't mean that you're going to be comfortable with everything that he's interested in.
I can completely understand your concerns about trying to change his behaviour because 'you shouldn't need to change for your friends'. It sounds like you're really empathetic and care about his feelings, which makes you a pretty great friend in my book! I think it's okay to let someone know if their behaviour is affecting you, because you shouldn't have to compromise or put up with behaviour that makes you feel uneasy either. If things do get weird between the two of you after you tell him how you're feeling, how do you think you will manage that?
I'm sorry to hear about what happened when your friend wrote a suicide note and then stopped responding to you too. It sounds like you're questioning whether it was a joke, and I definitely relate to that feeling - joking about suicide is a pretty heavy thing, and it makes me think that maybe there's a lot going on for him right now. It's great to hear that you asked him about it, it's always a good idea to check in on your friends when they talk about suicide. How did you manage to cope with this whole situation? It sounds like it was pretty tricky to navigate, so I hope that you're doing okay.
P.S. We've sent you an email @Ani_Faeth so keep an eye on your inbox ❤️😊
Hi~
Sound like he might just like you (? really this is a maybe, like a slight one [please don't get angry or anything] like a might).
However overall he might just only have you as a friend and it is just a friend kind of feeling.
For the sending photos, you should ask yourself what you think. Remember that there is a helpline for suicidal thoughts, and if you really feel like you do not want to stay friends with him, you can either tell it to him/warn him if he doesn't stop you will not talk to him anymore. Or just slowly cool and not really play with him anymore.
But you MUST think it over. I am not professional, but I have done some rash things (aka. tell a really good friend I didn't want to be friends with them anymore because of public opinion). It will probably hurt, and you will be wistful about before. Once it is done it is hard to fix. And even if you try to fix it, there will always be a crack.
But I think you are pretty sensible~
Best wishes for you~
