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I am a cheater
I cheated on my ex-girlfriend, she is mentally ill, I'm mentally ill but am really only coming to terms with all the negative aspects of it since she found out (I planned to tell her but was afraid she would hurt herself and kep it secret for almost 2 months). I alwayys had a voice in my head, telling me very negative stuff for as long as I could remember eg. "you are going to ruin this, you are not going to be able to protect her from yourself". My ex whom I love and want to work things out with is currently going through PTSD because of what I have done. I cheated because I hate myself. I cheated because I was being completely selfish, I took an empathy test and scored so low that my low scores were associated with people who have Aspergers.
I know what empathy is, like an intellectual empathy. I want her back but she struggles to even be around me for any amount of time (I know I have to give her space and let her make her own decisions, which is what I am doing).
I am barely coping with the guilt, the new awareness of the depth of my issues and struggling to make the next best move for myself in a situation like this. I am going to see a psych soon to discuss further options but am looking for any other people who have experienced similar situations. Who have ever done anything to destroy their life because they hate themselves so much they felt like they needed to destroy their life and the people they love?
I need some advice on learning to be empathetic as I think my history teaches me that I lack the ability to access empathy until it is too late. I want to change but I need help.
Wow @Stagnator, that was quite a night.
Firstly, I am so glad that through everything you have been able to get through the night and talk to your partner when you were concerned. When you said "I didnt hit myself or think she was abandoning me though", it sounds like you have struggled with this in the past and you are proud this hasn't happened this time (and you should be!). Is there anything you have been working on recently or choices you have made that helped you do this?
It really sucks there were elements of the night that were so stressful for you but I'm glad you noticed there were a lot of positives too. I hope you manage to get plenty of sleep tonight and spend some time doing something relaxing like drawing, reading a book, or watching a movie. What do you think? Is there anything you like to do to wind down and engage in some self-care?
Today my girl came to a family therapy session with someone who is really well versed in BPD and knows a lot about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. Unfourtunbatly we didnt get too far into the session before my girl had to leave the room as she was getting too upset and wanted to leave. I felt pretty disapointed as afterward the therapist and I discussed a lot of information that I think would have been good for her. I was pretty sad and went back to my room and had a little cry. BUT there were clearly some positives and I didn't beat myself up too much about it!
I knew that it wasn't going to go too well or anything so I think I prepared myself well for that. I still got some good info out of the session though and I was thankful for her even coming as I was afraid she might get too nervous and not come at all which wouldve been quite upsetting. I didn't even think about hurting myself at all! I think normally this would have been exactly what I wouldve done in previously. I am proud of myself, I feel so many mixed feelings nowadays. Like lots of inbetween feelings too that I dont get to experience very often. I am very appreciative of that. Hope to talk to you soon and I'll keep you all posted as I go through this.
Gonna go for a walk now and drop some stuff for my psych at the hospital and get myself some food!
PS no i havent spoken to her about how I feel, it is important for me not to bother her with how I feel at the moment because I have cheated on her and she is not a place of support for me and it is important for her to support herself at the moment 😕 I think if she begins to take care of herself she wont experience outbursts like that at least for a while and then it may be just irrelevent by then because I understand why she has had such a harsh reaction, although I dont necessarily agree with how she chose to express is. She needs more time I think to just cool down and actually really miss me before she can even begin to think about healing this relationship, if thats what she wants
Those in-between feelings can be tricky to navigate when you're only used to dealing with up or down @Stagnator. It's so great to hear that you're starting to overcome your urges for self harm when faced with difficult situations. You should definitely be proud of yourself!
I'm sorry to hear that your girlfriend wasn't able to attend the entire therapy session with you. If you remember some of the things you discussed with the therapist afterwards, perhaps you could write it down for her to read when she's feeling up to it?
Many of the other people there are having similar type symotoms to me and everyone like the other clients seems quite friendly and supportive. Its a really nice environment
Hey @Stagnator, thanks so much for keeping us updated on how you're doing!
I know being away from your partner and friends can be tough, so it's really good to hear that the short stay program has been such a supportive and positive environment for you. Having a close friend to talk to like you do when you're feeling alone is a big help too, I bet!
I hope you're having an awesome night at the hip hop show! Please let us know how it goes with the event and seeing your friends and partner.
One of the cousellors here is a family counsellor and specialises in BPD and runs DBT sessions as well as relationship therapy so I have set up a meeting next week between my partner and I to discuss helping strategies for eachother and resolve any issues that might be floating around. Hopefully it goes well:)
Wow @Stagnator your doing such a good job! Well done on getting into that program, that's fantastic!
You must be so pleased with the committment your making to yourself, and also your partner. It's such a positive thing that you are able to access these great resources for therapy.
It's also pretty cool how much independence you have (ie having your own room, making your own meals). How are you feeling being away from home? Are there other people there who you feel you can talk to and support eachother?
Such a positive step 🙂
Keep us posted, and remember that if things get tough that we are here with you all the way!
Lahna 🙂
My partner lets call her is doi g her best to get help and she is I think just in a bit of a grey area like I was a few weeks ago on waiting lists etc but she is definitely working towards helping herself whuch fills me with hope:)
It was very scary coming here I hud under my blanket at home and cried before I left but my partner encouraged me and said that it can be scary in places like this because you dont know whats going to happen but I will be able to get the help I need and she will come visit all the time and bring one of my friends if I want too:)
Its a really nice laid back sort of helpful environment and im very lucky to get into a place like this:) sorrh I havent kept you guys more up to date! Hope to be msging a bit more now im here especially. Ill need all the extra supprt I can get im sure:)))
Hey @Stagnator it sounds like you feel you are progressing in the right direction and that is awesome! Keep us updated with how you're going
Hey @Stagnator good to hear from you!
I think it's really awesome that you are having a crack at this short stay program, i am also heaps glad to hear how laid back and helpful it sounds :).
What are the sort of things you do there each day?
And of course, we're totally here to support you 🙂
Hey @Stagnator,
I'm going to keep my reply relatively short today as I feel @Kit and @Butterfly Wings have made some fantastic points.
This sounds like a really hard situation to be in for you and your ex-girlfriend. I'm sure she is also experiencing feelings of hurt like you are, although they may have different underpinnings.
You mentioned "Who have ever done anything to destroy their life because they hate themselves so much they felt like they needed to destroy their life and the people they love?" Do you feel like this?
The main thing that I want to share with you is that you never have to be a cheater again. You can be the person you want to be, and be that person well. You CAN turn this around. You mentioned that you love your ex and want to sort things out with her. If you didn't have any empathy, you wouldn't care that you hurt her, and you wouldn't want to sort things out.
This article talks about conflict in relationships and this stood out to me: "If your partner means a lot to you and you don’t want to give up just yet, it is worth putting the time in to mend the relationship." You can read more here.
Hope this helps out a little, let us know how everything is getting along.
Hey everyone! Thanks very much for all of your support these last few days. Even just getting email notifactions before reading the messages! The advice is great and I have been making a little bit of progress sorting things out between my ex and I 🙂
I went to my first session with the psych yesterday and we have only just really scratched the surface but I think it was a big step in the right direction! I have the most hilarious story. I went in to my first session and sat down with the counsellor and just started pouring everyhting out really and I was crying and talking and crying and talking. Then suddenly my phone starts to ring and I just check who it was and it was my mum who drove me there and was waiting down stairs. I answered (i figured she knew i was in my session and wouldnt call unless it was really really important) "Where are you?" she said sounding so very concerned. I said I was in my session and my counsellor Penny was downstairs looking for me! I said I was with my counsellor right now! And then I looked at the counselor sitting across from me and said who was the person your supposed to see right now? and she said Robert. (thats not my name) hahahaha My name starts with an R and i was in the waiting room when she came out and I guess Robert didnt hear her at all and I just got straight up and just heard the R!
Everyone was so frantic thinking I had run away and I answrred the phone crying and my mum was so scared thinking I had ran away or something! Needless to say I eventually ended up with the right counselor and had a very good session. But that was the funniest thing. I went from crying to laughing and feeling worhtless to feeling so silly.
That was the last thing I expected to happen... ahahha
Hey @Stagnator,
Haha that is a funny story!! But it's fantastic that you ended up with the right practitioner AND had a great session by the sounds. This must be so encouraging for you- make sure to pat yourself on the back for making giant steps in the right direction! 🙂
I'm glad to hear that your making progress with your ex now, and you are sounding really positive about everything. Make sure to keep us posted, and keep up the incredible work!
Lahna
Hey everyone! thanks again for all the support! I swear everytime I get an email notification I have a little internal smile especially the high fives. Im glad people are getting something out of my posts or just being encouraging to me:) it is a wonderful feelings and ill be sure to start assing around my own two cents and hand slaps ASAP.
My emotions have been pretty inconsistent these past few days. Dear me, I feel I have had a lot going on in my head and I don't really know how to say it but, a couple days ago I got so numb/down/worthless feeling that I just sat on the couch looking at a pencil and paper and all i could think was just write it. Write it. So I did, I did something i thought I would never do, not in a million years. I wrote a suicide note 😕 I couldnt feel anything. I thought if I write it then I'd be one step closer to doing it. Once I had completed writing it though I just sat there looking at it. "What do I do with it?' I thought I sat there thinking that for ages. Then I started to realise how much it would hurt the people around me if they saw this. How much my disappearance or my suicide would hurt them. I sat there all blank and numb just staring. Then my girlfriend or exgirlfriend (still not sur whats going on in sense of labelling that) but yeah she came out of her room and walked past me through the lounge room and she looked at me, I remembered I wrote in my little book of self-notes and affirmations that I carry with me everywhere, to appreciate her view, apprecite her eyes, appreciate when she looks at you. And she did, all she did was walk by and she looked a bit concerned as she noticed I was all blank probably we briefly made eye contact, and I snapped out of it. I started to appreciate her eyes, her look, her view! I folded up the note. Ive kept it with me as a reminder at least for now of how bad things can get but also the turn of events in general. But yeah it was a dark scary and confusing moment for me.
I'd always been a self harming type, and always figured that would be my barrier or safety against suicide. I have since contacted some inpatient type programs through a local triage centre to see what they offer and am currently awaiting some return calls etc, Im not sure if it will be the right thing for me but I figure it might be worth a shot to do a planned stay at a short term clinic, just to focus on helping myself for a while as I am having trouble staying on top of everything at times.
I am very dedicated to getting better but yeah as I am up and down and sometimes feeling as the only person who used to understand me and really make an effort to really accept me for who I was in my life (my girlfriend) also seems to fit the same diagnostic as me we can be BIG triggers for eachother. I don't wan to be a source of her pain anymore but because of the nature of my diagnosis I tend to forget that she doesnt actually mean the cruel things she can say sometimes, Or she might mean them but not as harshly or as emotionally charged as she intends.
Well thanks for reading everyone I hope you have all had a nice day and I hope my post doesn't bring you down. I love you all and I am working on loving myself proper:)
PS some cool resources
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm#storm also a good one if you know someone with it to help you understand what they may be going through there is a link someone on that page about how to help those with BPD too:)
Really great android and Iphone app called "T2 Mood Tracker" it even graphs your scores for you and you can set up your own sliders and sypmtoms too!
Hey @Stagnator,
Hows everything going today?
I'm sorry to hear that you got to that point. Please remember that if you do feel like that again that we urge you to call Lifeline on 13 11 14 . It sounds like it was a dark and scary moment for you. But perhaps having the reminder with you folded up is, as you said, a symbol of why you didn't do it. From what you've told us I truly believe that you respect and love your family and your (ex or not ex) girlfriend, and that you don't want to leave these guys behind! I admire you for contacting the local triage centres and hopefully they get back to you soon so you can figure out if you'd like to pay them a visit etc...
Finding little things to latch on to, like your girlfriends eyes and so on, is fantastic. Can you find some other little things to latch onto with regards to your other family/friends or any hobbies that you have? You've also mentioned that your girlfriend has the same kinds of symptoms as you do- is she getting the help she needs?
Thanks for the resources as well, I'm sure the other readers really appreciate this! 🙂
I'd just like to say also, keep fighting and don't give up! You've realised now how much you really want to be here and holding on to that is important. Keep calling those triage centres as well.
We are here to help, keep us posted.
Lahna.
Hey @Stagnator I haven't messaged you on this forum before but I found what you wrote to be so inspiring. It is wonderful to see how dedicated you are to your recovery and how honest you are willing to be on these forums about what you've been through. It takes courage and it feels me with hope to see the choices you have made for yourself and those around you and what you are going to do for yourself in the future.
In these moments of self reflection I think is where we have our most profound and powerful realisations, that moment will stay with you from now on and i really believe it will push you to keep working on the bad days.
Keep writing to those you love and to your past/present/future self. I'm working on loving myself too, do keep us posted on how you're going.
I think i'll give that mood tracker a try, thanks for that 🙂
@Stagnator Despite the confusion it's great you think your appointment with the counsellor was a big step in the right direction! Having such a positive attitude towards the process is really fantastic. You can do this!
Hey @Stagnator.
That's great your first appointment with the psychologist went well 🙂 And what a funny story too! Sometimes life just throws things like that in our direction and the fact you had such a positive view toward it when you could have perhaps seen it negatively is brilliant! It shows you have a lot of capacity for humour and to look on the brighter side of life. With that on your side, I have no doubts you can get through this.
I hope things continue to improve bit by bit. Hang in there, we're all behind you here at RO 😄
Ness.
Hey @Stagnator,
Welcome to ReachOut.
The thing that struck me from your post is the overwhelming stress this is causing you. I am really glad you have decided to speak to a psychologist about your concerns and that you have reached out to us here. You are clearly more emotionally aware than you think you are.
What has occurred has already happened and can't be changed, though I can hear you are still punishing yourself for it. One action alone does not make a person, it is the sum of all our actions that shows the person we are. RO has some really helpful articles discussing a few things you may be interested in reading. While it's not quite the situation you've mentioned, Dating more than one person at a time has some interesting points, specifically:
The important parts of any relationship
There are a few important things that should be a part of any relationship, regardless of the number of people involved:
- Consent. An active agreement between people for the benefit, wellbeing and pleasure of everyone involved. If your partner doesn’t know that you’re dating someone else, they can’t give informed consent.
- Recognising the effects of our actions. Think about the effects of your actions or choices on your partner, particularly sexual choices. Will your actions cause someone to be hurt, or create conflict?
- Respect. Always be respectful of each other’s feelings and choices. If you are not sure about how someone feels, ask them – never assume. If someone truly loves you, then seeing you happy should make them happy, and be very important to them.
Dealing with jealousy
Jealousy itself isn’t an emotion – it is a word that describes a whole range of horrible feelings. It might be:
- A feeling of insecurity, or a fear of being abandoned.
- A feeling of being left out or not good enough.
- Worry that someone doesn’t love you or isn’t attracted to you.
Usually when we feel this way it feels so bad that we do anything we can to avoid it, and so we blame our feelings on someone else and their actions. Instead of blaming your partner or letting them blame you, use jealousy as a signpost to what you are really feeling, and talk about it with your partner. However awkward it may feel talking about your emotions, you will feel better for talking about it, and you will both know what is really being felt. Most importantly, jealousy is never an excuse for anyone to be mean, hurtful or abusive in a relationship.
Giving your ex-girlfriend space and allowing her to make her own decisions is good in any respectful relationship. Whatever happens from here is sure to be emotionally charged for both of you and it might be worth brushing up on your communication skills ahead of any relationship discussions. This post has got a little bit wordy but I suggest checking out one last article on low self-esteem.
Let us know how the psychologist appointment goes. Good luck, give yourself a chance to grow
Hey @Stagnator,
I think @Butterfly Wings has made some really excellent points about not allowing one incident to define you, and it's so great to see that you know how labelling can have such a strong effect on a person's sense of self. It seems like you have a lot of insight into your own behaviours and into the relationship you have with your partner as well, which is a really great asset. Also good on you for seeking out help from a psych - let us know how that goes!
Have you spoken to your partner yet about how her labelling of you is affecting your feelings? It might be useful to wait until she's blown off some steam, as you've mentioned, but of course that doesn't mean you have to take the brunt of her anger without asserting yourself. You could bring this up with the psych as well, if you think it's a good idea.
Hey @Stagnator
Welcome to Reach Out firstly and good on you for posting here and trying to make some progress in areas of your life that aren't going well.
I think it is a really good idea and a really brave and bold move that you are seeking help from a psychologist, the support and help they provide can really help during difficult times like these. Also it's quite courageous of you to seek out more help just be visiting and posting in the forum and looking for people who might be able to relate or have similar experiences.
Another thing I want to emphasise is the labelling of yourself as a 'cheater'. In one sense yes, you may have done something that is considered cheating but does that one act, make you a cheater overall? I don't know personally what it's like to feel guilty for cheating on a partner but I have done many things that are considered 'wrong' or 'bad' but that one act doesn't make all of me or my personality. You and I and everyone else is multifaceted and I would encourage you to try and lean away from that label and try and see yourself through someone else’s eyes, from the point of view that: You did something you didn't like, made a mistake, hurt someone in the process BUT you are still a good, worthwhile human being who holds a lot of promise to change, make amends and do a lot of good in the future.
As far as empathy goes, one empathy test doesn't make you not empathetic. And what measures of empathy does a test rely on anyway? Everybody has different ideas surrounding empathy so can any one test be truly valid. I realise that is a bit of a challenge so take that or leave it as you will. However I think you display a lot of empathy right here. By wanting to try and repair the relationship with your girlfriend, knowing you have to give her space/make her own choices and showing empathy and compassion towards YOU and her by seeking out all this help as well!
Sometimes we make decisions in life that aren't good for us or those surrounding us but they don't have to define us. You can get past this. I used to block people out and apart of this was I would be very passive aggressive towards them but this doesn't mean I didn’t have empathy. I learnt I do and my actions don't necessarily define who I am or whether or not I am considered empathetic, etc.
Lastly apart of your post that striked me in particular was this: (I planned to tell her but was afraid she would hurt herself and kep it secret for almost 2 months). This makes me think you are in fact considerate. I mean, you didn't want any harm to come towards her so you took out measures to prevent that. It may have not be the most appropriate way of doing so but there were good intentions behind it. Can you see where I am coming from?
Keep talking here @Stagnator. Always here to listen and talk things through at least and give you alternative perspectives on things, keeping in mind that can be very valuable.
Ness.
Thank you very much for your support. I guess I just have a lot of trouble remembering all that because I have always leant to hard on the fact that my thoughts and intentions will make me good and there has been a lack of balance in my life when it comes to putting myself into practice. My ex has her opinions and due to our mental illnesses sort of clashing a lot, we have been deeply in love and a close can be, so sometimes when she tells me what she is thinking, it can really get in my head and bring me down. I was so lost before we got together and when we got together I genuinely felt whole. But during this relationship I devoted so much to her a felt I had nothing left for myself, this and for many other reasons led to my bad act. I have done decietful stuff to break her trust before hence my quickness to label myself. I should remember my CBT training! Labelling/Mislabelling can be so detrimental to the self and others. I guess on one level though I was finding it difficult to find discussions about cheating on this site. I figured maybe I'd just reach out in the most obvious way haha, but yeah there is definitely some negative labelling going on at the moment due to my girlfriend being extremely angry.
Before the cheating came to light she knew about many of my mental issues and was always extremely empathic and supportive. Then when she found out, she began to negatively label me using my potential disorders to label me! It hurts especially when I we are both guilty of some negative behaviours. I do not express this to her because I know she needs to blow off a lot of steam and this is her defence, but I guess breaking the habits of my disorder will benefit me greatly not only in my relationships but to be able to be there for her properly without the fear and paranoia!
I honestly just want to connect with people experiencing similar disorders who are doing their best to get through it and get better for myself and my loved ones!