I am having a hard time
I am really struggling with some thoughts at the moment and I really am not sure what to do. I keep thinking that everyone around me has been planted and they aren’t really people well they are like people but they are controlled by others and I am scared that these others are trying to trick me into staying with them it is complicated but I feel like they are putting things in my head and can hear what I am thinking and that they are putting stuff in my food to help them get into my head and to make me feel weird and I heard some of them talking and I am just super stressed about all of this and I can’t talk to anyone about this because I can’t trust anyone and they can’t know that I know and it is really hard to explain and I thought this would just go away but it isn’t and I am not sure what to do.
It sounds like you're doing it really tough at the moment @Eden1717!! But man you are doing INCREDIBLE to keep it together with all that's going on for you!! I know it may not feel as though you are, but the fact you are posting on here and helping support others (like me - thankyou) while all this is going on for you truly does demonstrate how strong and caring you are!
I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it must be at times being trapped inside with your thoughts. I know how intense mine get, but some of what you have explained over time must be so scary to experience so I really do feel for you!
I know you feel as though no one understands or wants to listen, but we really are here to listen. We may struggle to understand, just as we struggle to understand eachothers personal situations, but that doesn't mean we won't listen. Sometimes it is difficult to provide advice and support when nothing seems to be working or things are super intense because we are worried about making things worse for you. Or at least I know that's how I feel. And I would hate to make things worse because you already sound as though you are doing it tough! But even if I can't help or say the right things, I'm here to listen like everyone else ❤
I do have a few questions for you though..
1) What language are you studying and do you enjoy it? I have always wanted to learn a language!!
2) What are you studying at the moment? (I have a feeling you've told me before but my brain is fried atm sorry😔)
3) When do you go back to uni? Are you feeling prepared?
4) What kind of pets do you have?
@Taylor-RO this is a different not able to talk than before everything is just too hard and I don’t feel like me.
@Taylor-RO That isn’t what I mean it isn’t the right words I know the words but I physically cannot say them. I don’t know nothing is helping
Oh that sounds horrible @Eden1717. It shows a lot of strength and persistence that you went to those appointments, despite feeling this way. It seems like it is hard for you to explain things at the moment.. but we will be here when you are able to. It might take some time before you find the right words. Is there something you can do to look after yourself tonight/tomorrow? 
I feel like no one here or anywhere understands me or can relate and nobody wants to even listen anymore. Ugh I guess I shouldn’t be surprised I can’t blame people for not being able to deal with me when even I cannot deal with myself.
@Taylor-RO I couldn’t think like I would try and say it would not come out the same as in my head or I would get halfway through a sentence and I would just stop. Like physically I couldn’t talk. I can’t write it properly either and my head I don’t feel right it is hard to explain. I just don’t know what to do and I can’t express myself. I am scared.
Hey @Eden1717, it sucks that today wasn't good 
Your session with your psychologist sounds like it was really challenging. Did you know what you wanted to say but struggled to get the words out? Or was it more that you were unable to think of the questions and their answers? It must have been frustrating and exhausting for you to have to go through that.
It seems like things are really chaotic at the moment and you might be feeling overwhelmed. Would writing things down be helpful for you? You could bring these notes to your psychologist or psychiatrist.. or you could just use it to collect your thoughts. Some people find it helpful as a grounding method to help them focus but everyone is different
@Claire-RO Today has not been good. I saw my psychologist but she ended the session early because I couldn’t talk and the whole time she kept asking questions but I couldn’t answer and I was trying but I couldn’t and everything just keeps getting harder and more intense and I can’t focus and I don’t feel like me and my head is all over the place. I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I am about to start crying but I don’t know why and I want to sleep but I can’t and I just don’t feel right and I am supposed to be studying and I have so much to do but I don’t even feel real and I just don’t know what to do I don’t everything is a mess.
Hey @Eden1717
I just wanted to check in and see how you are feeling today? It sounded like there was a lot going on last night. Hope that today has been better
I am feeling really weird tonight. I keep getting worried that I am being watched and that people are not really people and that bad things could happen because of me and I can’t explain everything I just don’t feel good.
@Bre-RO all the things that usually help are not helping right now i just feel too off balance my head is really a mess. i couldn't even explain things to my psychiatrist today I just keep zoning out and i dont know what to do he said if i needed too if i needed a break he could organise a 2 week private admission but i said no because hospital of any kind scares me too much now and how even in private i just end up scared and paranoid which is no different to now but at least at home i have my pets and stuff. i just feel very off and i am trying hard to ignore it but it just keeps getting harder and harder. i really dont know what to do.
Oh @Eden1717 thanks for explaining that. Is there anything that has helped with study stress for you in the past?
You've got a lot on your plate and seeing that worker wouldn't have helped at all. No wonder you feel like you're about to cry 😞
We are thinking of you and hoping you're okay.
oh gosh I am not feeling good. I had to go to the shops to get food for my dog and I saw one of the staff members who assaulted me at the hospital. I am feeling really on edge now and the whole way home i felt really off and now i feel like i am about to cry.
@Bre-RO I am not currently at uni because I go to university interstate and the semester has not started yet. But this test is for class placement which I was supposed to do in November but I was not told about it until a week ago so now I have to re-study everything and do the test while everything else is going on as well.
Today I am not feeling great and I will probably post about that later.
Hey @Eden1717
Checking in to see how you are today? It can be difficult to study in the best of times, let alone when things are as tough as they have been for you.
I'm just wondering if there is a Student Support service at your university? It might be helpful to have someone aware of all that you're going through.
Hope to hear back from you soon 🙂
@Janine-RO i need to study for my language class. it still has not happened.
Hi @Eden1717 ,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a hard day, I hear how hard you are working, and how hard you are trying.
What kind of study do you have to do today? In the past I have found some study to be a weirdly useful distraction (like statistics, weirdly enough. I found it a nice break from reading endless journal articles and writing reports sometimes!) - do you like to listen to music or anything when you study?
@Janine-RO I am not going well today I am trying so so hard but i just feel really off and I am still really agitated. i am going to try and channel the energy into the study i need to do but i am very doubtful that it will work.
Hi @Eden1717 , I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing today?
I'm sorry that last night was a tough one, it's especially rough when we feel anxious and agitated when we can't pinpoint a reason for it .I have been there myself in the past, and though it always passes with time, it is a really yuck feeling. I know that for me, exercise can be a really helpful distraction and way to get some endorphins flowing, I know that other people find meditation, or art, or music to be helpful.
I hope that you're feeling better today.
I can understand why talking about eating issues with other people who have disordered eating could be really problematic for you, that makes a lot of sense.
Thinking of you today and hope it's a better one for you. And this is just because I think mini hedgehogs are adorable and ridiculous- a small virtual hedgehog hug.
Finally - you have shown so much strength and resilience over the last few weeks in particular, you've had to go through a lot with the fires on top of what you're already dealing with - we are all in awe of the strength that you have shown. Please be kind to yourself, it is understandable if things are feeling rough. You've persevered with seeing your psychologist even when things are awkward and hard, and it's really a testament to your strength as a person.
@Andrea-RO I am trying to distract myself but it isnt working very well. I just feel really agitated and uncomfortable and anxious and stressed and idk i am just like the other times this has happened literally nothing has helped.
@MB95 talking about eating issues in a certain level of detail with other people who also have eating issues is kind of very triggering for me. even on here i tend to avoid talking with others about their eating and if i mention mine it is normally only related to the feelings i am having around it but not the eating itself. i dont even like hearing other peoples plans for lunch or talking about going out to eat with friends. i don't even like hearing about other people eating ever. and then to have to talk about me eating that is a nope. i just want to pretend that nobody ever eats ever. but i am going to stop there because now this is getting too much.
Sorry you're still feeling this way @Eden1717 and sorry I haven't been round much.
Just wondering what it is that might make you uncomfortable about accessing the Butterfly Foundation like @Andrea-RO suggested? I've never looked into it myself but I'm assuming they might have a forum like this but maybe with more appropriate support around eating disorders? I might even look into it myself. I can check it out for the two of us if you like and let you know what I think?
It sounds like you're having a really difficult night tonight. I am about to log off soon, but do you have any coping mechanisms to help you get through times like this?
@Andrea-RO that is not something I would be comfortable with.
I am still having a really hard time i feel very chaotic inside and I am really struggling with the eating and my head is a mess and everything is just getting to be too much. I want to cry but i cant and I am so on edge and i just i am so i cant even explain it.
