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I'm scared

It's been awhile since I last posted anything here and a lot has happened. I have started uni and it was hard. I was so overwhelmed with everything that was coming my way. I was crying in class, stressing so much and I couldn't handle it. I then decided to talk to the uni's counselor about my stress. She helped me and I went to part-time study so I have time for all my assignments and less time stressing. I am also getting tested to see what learning disorder I have as talking to the counselor, she did say I do have something but it's hard to put your finger on it. From what she said, I don't process information that I get from my eyes to my brain nor my ear to my brain. It takes me longer to process stuff. But I'm trying though it hard and I want to give up, I know I shouldn't.

 

I still miss all my school friends but I have met up with a few. I went camping with my best friend who I like but spending that time with him, I know that nothing is going to happen with us and I'm ok with that. I don't mind, not dating him but I do want a relationship, one that can last longer than a month would be great. I tried talking to the people at uni but they are either not interested, I'm not interested in them or they are too old. It's not like I need a boyfriend, it's just I would like someone who I can talk to anytime and be there in that way. More than just a best friend. 

 

I'm scared that I'm losing who I am. I've stopped wishing for things to happen. When I was camping, I saw clear skies full of stars. More stars than I have ever seen. I even saw shooting stars but I didn't wish. I know wishing on stars are for little kids but it's what I believed in but I don't anymore. I've given up because no matter how many times I would wish, nothing would happen. 

Re: I'm scared

Hi @Cookiestarr thanks for sharing with us. Sorry to hear that uni has been overwhelming, it's good that you were able to see the uni counselor and have made a decision to go to part-time study it sounds like that has reduced your stress. It's always hard missing school friends and transitioning into a new place, it will take some time to adjust and get use to it. It does allow the opportunity to make more friends however Smiley Happy

 

From my own experience I've found that you meet the right person at the right time and it's nice to be able to find that type of connection. In the mean time sounds like it's a good time to reconnect with who you are. What are your interests? What inspires you? What are some of your goals?

 

 

 

 

 

Re: I'm scared

@Lan-RO, I love drama and theater. I've been watching them since I was little. Soon though I will see some more and even see an opera. I've been trying to keep my creativity up by drawing and writing stories but I get creative blocks and can't think of anything. It used to be so easy to write stories but I just can't get the right start of one anymore. I love Pride and Prejudice and everything involved in it. It makes me dream of happiness and love.  

 

I love stars and the wonder that they hold. And how we might never know what is really out there. Sunflowers are my favorite flower as it's a bit like me. Some people don't like it but if you look at it closely you can see it's beauty and how it shines. I love art and Van Gogh is my favorite. He inspires me. Through his pain and with his pain, he made beauty. 

 

My goal is being happy and not faking it. Looking after myself more. Getting a job in the theatre. Inspiring others and helping them. 

Re: I'm scared

@Cookiestarr those goals sound fantastic! Smiley Happy You sound very talented, artistic and creative and I have so much admiration for that! Yes it's hard getting creative blocks, I like to write and occassionally that happens to me too. I find spending time in nature or somewhere new helps bring some inspiration to my creative side. What have you found works for you?

 

So true about the stars, it's amazing to think about how there's an entire galaxy out there. It's great how you can appreciate beauty in many forms.

Re: I'm scared

@Lan-RO, I find sitting in a park or looking out onto a busy street helps. I'm an observer so I would write about the people I see and how they interact with others. Or look at the animals and write something like that. Even just looking at how the leaves fall off a tree can spark something.  

Re: I'm scared

@Cookiestarr I was just reading through your posts and everything you wrote had so much depth and passion Heart Loved what you wrote about your goals as well- they were really genuine and raw. Hope you're able to reconnect with writing soon @Cookiestarr sounds like going to the park or looking out on the busy street will help to inspire and get back some of that mojo back. Thanks for sharing with us Smiley Happy Krystel-RO

Re: I'm scared

I want to give up. Give up everything. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just done with everything. I don't feel like I belong. I want to be an animal where all you have to do is live and not go through the horrible stuff like school or love or being bored. Every day is an adventure when your an animal. Even for ones that are trapped in a Zoo. I've never wanted to give up so much in my life and I hate it. I just want to disappear to a whole new country where I can start over, where no one knows me, where I can be who I was meant to be. But that is only a dream and dreams are hard to come true.

 

I talk to my friend about the future and she wants to move and live in LA. I would love to live in London but I can see myself doing that. I don't believe in myself enough to think that one day my dream will come true. Maybe I should just run away and leave. But alas, I don't have the guts to do it nor the money, nor the confidence to do so. So I'm stuck here being sad and trying to change but always ending back where I was before.  

Re: I'm scared

Hey @Cookiestarr, I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way right now. Smiley Sad I think that @TOM-RO and @Lan-RO have both given some fantastic advice.

 

I really relate to how you’re feeling, but I’m glad that you have not given up even though you want to. That is something to be very proud of. As @Lan-RO said, the goals that you have written here are fantastic, and I’m really impressed with the amount of insight that you have.

 

I think it’s really good that you have art and theatre as activities which make you feel better, do you think you could do some of that tonight? Heart

Re: I'm scared

@mrmusic, after uni today, I'm going to the big park and sit and try to write or draw just so that I can clear my head and relax and hopefully that will help me and calm my head. 

Re: I'm scared

Hi @Cookiestarr - thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us - as others have said they are beautifully expressed and very reflective and insightful.
I like what you said about observing people, animals and nature can spark inspiration for you to write. Does writing and drawing help you when you're having strong emotions? 


Sounds like a good plan to go to a park after uni today. If there's any thoughts or poetry you'd like to share with us please do. 
We also have a thread where people share their own art - you might want to have a look, or even share a drawing if you feel comfortable to. 

 

I also want to check in with you around staying safe  - sounds like you are feeling really stuck. Do you have a plan to harm yourself or end your life? 

Stay strong @Cookiestarr - hope to hear back from you soon. 

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I'm leaving ReachOut on the 5th of June Smiley Sad Say goodbye here