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I'm tired of being me

I know this is all completely stupid and meaningless, so the fact it means that much to me confirms to me I'm a loser.  I just got a new job.  I thought it was something good so I told my family about it.  My brother, not even trying to brag, and just in normal conversation (and it was clear he wasn't trying to show off) threw it all in my face.  I said I thought about recommending him for the job before I took it.  He just said "oh, they couldn't afford me".  Thanks, I didn't realize you were that much better then me.  Then through our convesation he talked about how much better his work schedule is, how much better his insurance is, how much better is retirment plan with work is.  I hate it.  I hate feeling like I was doing something and it gets thrown in my face like that.  He talks about building his dream home with everthing he wants.  I just hope my bills get paid.  He says he doesn't want to move though because his wife has a friend nearby, how hard it is for her to make friends, so now when she has a bad day he can just tell her to go shopping with her friend.   Really?  I can't affort to go shopping just because, and friends?  Ha!  Its hard for your wife, but impossible for me.  I dont remember the last time someone not obligated by relation called to do something with me. 

 

Speaking of friends.  Whats wrong with me?  I try to be nice and friendly.  At work I get what I think are friends.  Then after a month of only talking when I initiate I give up.  I hate feeling like its so onesided.  I thought we were friends, aren't I worth a phone call?  I hate being told they will call me.  They volunteer to call me and tell me "I'll let you know today".  I didn't ask them to call me, they offered.  Then I never hear back until I call them two days later.  I try laughing it off and say "did you forget me?"  I don't even get an appoligy.  I'm so unimportant that even when I remind them they don't remember saying anything.  Seems like people will play nice to my face, say they will call just to get me away from them.  I hate that people think that little of me.  I wish they'd just say they don't want to see me again.  Thats at least respectful of me and my time, but they just say anything then ignore me. 

 

I tried talking to my wife about it.  I told her I hate not getting called back when they say they'll call.  I'm ready to pour my heart out and she just says "well, if they say they'll do something then you can't worry about it" and that was the conversation.  If I was popular and had a ton of friends then that would be easy.  When I have 2 friends and they both never bother reaching out to me then what am I supposed to do?  I tried telling myself I'm done talking to them but I have no one else and I find myself crawling back, pretending everythings ok and we're still friends, even though I know we will only do something if I go through all the work of doing it.  I hate it.  Whats wrong with me that I'm not worth calling?  We seem to have fun when we do stuff, so why don't you want to do stuff with me? 

 

Honestly though I've always been socially awkward so maybe to me I have fun hanging out but can't read the other people to know they don't have fun.  I would love to change and but no one cares enough to tell me why I'm such a loser.  Which is my fault too.  I don't have great self esteem so dont always handle critisism well.  Just how I really could use a friend to reach out to me.  Call me just to say hi.  Call to see if I want to go do something together.  I haven't had that it years.  I honestly cant remember that last time I had a friend that actually wanted to hang out with me. 

 

The hard part is it will never be good enough for me.  I will never find a job that has what my brother has.  I'll never have that kind of money.  I got a stupid education I can't go back and fix now.  I'll never have friends like he has.  My family will always be lacking something because I'm just a loser and a failure.

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Re: I'm tired of being me

Hey @nfc1432 - you're definitely not a loser. It can help in these situations to think about the positives and the things you do have - like a great job and a loving wife! Having those feelings of insecurity about friendships is something a lot of us experience so you're definitely not alone. There are some great fact sheets on building your self confidence and dealing with social awkwardness on this site which you might find useful.

 

I notice you're based in the US and this is actually the Australian Reach Out site, so most of the counselling phone numbers and links won't work for you. If you'd like some locally based support, the US version of Reach Out is here: http://us.reachout.com/

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Re: I'm tired of being me

Hey @nfc1432 

How are you feeling todoay ? did any of the links help ?

You are not a loser or a failure ! 

You mentioned you had a family, a wife and an education - thats something that you should be proud of ! 

Friends can be a really tricky thing to maintain when everyone is always so busy. Have you ever tried to organise things with your friends? Even if it is a long time in advance, i know sometimes i feel like my friends have forgoten about me so i message them and they generaly say " i thought you forgot about me". Sorry to also hear your brother is making comments about your jobs and the differneces in them - that can be tough to deal with.

 

 

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Re: I'm tired of being me

Hey @nfc1432 firstly thank you for coming on to RO and sharing your story. You are by no means a loser and it is quite unfortunate you view yourself that way. There is nothing wrong with some healthy sibling competition in life but it seems that your brother is doing it in the wrong way and taking it to far by impacting you emotionally. Have you let him know that you don't like when he acts that way towards you? If it seems there is nothing you can do I know it can be hard but just try and ignore the situation, be the bigger person and allow yourself to walk away so you don't have to hear what he is saying hence it wont affect you. Maybe he is so use to getting a reaction from you he does it on purpose to irritate you but just try your best to not let him have the upper hand. You just got a new job and should be very proud of youself!!!!! Congratulations. 

 

In terms of your friends I wouldn't take it so personal, peoples lifes are becoming so busy that they could genuinly forget to call you or find it hard to make time which is unfortunate. It is no way suggesting that you are not important but rather people have busy lives and so much happening contacting friends and making time for their friends doesn't always make their priority list. Maybe they are also so use to you initating the catch up or doing something that they rely on you to do it. Don't be mad at that it just seems that that's the way you friendship works out doesn't mean you are any less better for doing the work of putting together the catch up. Just remember as you said you have fun together so just try and remember that and don't dwell on the fact that they don't contact as often as you'd like or they don't interact with you more. 

 

You are not the only person that is socially awkward so don't feel as though you are alone in that sense. It is so common that people act differently in social scenes that they are rarely judged because of it. Don't change who you are to impress others only do it if you feel that it would better you!!! Do you have any friends from a sports club or cousin you could form a closer bond with? Have you tried getting along with your brother and stopped looking at him as being better then you? Once you and your brother are able to form a good relationship you will enjoy his presense and find a friend in him.

 

You have to try and stop comparing yourself with others, there will always be someone who you think is better than you and there is also someone who has less. Start appreciating and recognising what you have and be happy with that. The sooner you do that the better your life will seem and the happier you will feel. You have a job, a wife so you must of done something right don't forget that. You are by no means a loser or a failure, stop viewing yourself in a negative way, count your blessings and don't let anyone make you feel that they are better than you. 

 

Goodluck and stay strong and positive 

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Re: I'm tired of being me

Hi nfc - thanks for sharing your story Smiley Happy

It can be tough to look at the lives that some other people lead and compare them to ours. When it seems like the people who care about you are just rubbing their own successes in your face, this makes it even worse - but you're not a loser! I noticed someone above reiterated some of the successes you've mentioned (a new job, a marriage) and I have to agree, it seems like you've got some good things going for you. Don't compare your life to someone else's - try to focus on what's good in your own life, and work on them! Smiley Happy

Dan

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Re: I'm tired of being me

It sounds like you are bumming yourself out by comparing yourself and your success to that of other people or what you think it should be. It also sounds like you are a pretty reliable person and get dissapointed when other people don't act the same. This is very emotionally painful and I totally understand how you feel. But look, you are married; you have a job. That already shows that you are successful in a lot of ways. It sounds to me like you would benefit from retraining your thoughts to focus on your successes and the good things happening to you. It really all starts with your relationship to yourself. When you will be happy with yourself and really like yourself, the rest will feel more easeful. I had a period where I was so miserable and I was actually working as a counselor helping other people. So I set out to find out how to be happier and have better relationships. Just put all your energy (which it sounds like you have a lot of passion) into the things you love. 

 

Hope you feel better!

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Re: I'm tired of being me

Everything that you've written reminds me of me... It's like we're straddling the ambitious and egotistical sense of being liked while trying to be confident in what we do vs. being humble and learning to genuinely be ourselves. Perhaps we both have asperges (which is my hunch for myself)? 

I'm pretty sure if we hung out we'd have a rad time. Just no-one else would wanna be around. Except for maybe my dad.

 

Asperges is hereditary, I've read...