Living Guarded & Feeling Drained
Hi all.
I'm in a familiar rut that I don't like. Except my life is in an OK spot for once. Sort of.
Living for myself (for the sake of control) is making me exhausted. Not literally socially isolated, but at home I'm over my family and even though one of my goals is to move out once I've saved enough, I now have doubt it'll fix me instantly.
How are you meant to deal with anything slightly negative in a relationship (any kind)? Something goes wrong and I'm freaking out - for example while camping recently, one morning was spent tearing our hair out trying to find our car keys*, and even though we got home, the stress took the shine off the trip, and my less than stellar memory got me worried. Am I still her friend? How on earth do couples have arguments and not split? Ok, some do, but some manage to be together.
I haven't gone through any breakups, by the way, nor have I been heartbroken in another form. But the walls & guard I naturally have, why isn't it working? It's a rinse & repeat of me feeling OK for a few weeks then felt awful & feel like breaking down in a week.
It's more of a home thing as I'm alone at home, but I'm not as bad when I'm at work for example. But I hate being vulnerable, yet I naturally keep a close grip on most things I do - not just emotions. My energy has slowly declined to, despite getting a decent amount of sleep and any caffeine I might be getting. Where to from here?
*This happened at a music festival we went to together. While we did find them - locked in the back of the car - that morning wasn't that great, obviously
Comments
Hey @svrooster
Thank you for putting these tough feelings into words. I can sense from your post that you're feeling exhausted by living guarded. Am I right in saying that it is causing you to feel isolated, even if you're not literally socially isolated?
I think everybody struggles to navigate relationships and in particular the conflict that can come up. Humans are social creatures and the connections we make with people are really significant to us, so when things are challenging it can bring up lots of different emotions. It's important to know that this is a normal part of life but one that a lot of people find difficult.
Keen to hear back from you and chat this through 🙂
Hi @Bre-RO !
I've always had a lingering issue with isolation, but it feels like it's gone hand in hand with wanting to be more in control of my life by shutting off any potential obstacles. I suppose one of them is any potential conflict.
At the same time I didn't know how to get deep relationships, while"trying" to keep focused on my life. But I don't have as much energy as I'd like, so I'm kind of in a muddle right now.
Also I don't know how to deal with someone who's against what I do (and in a way, vice versa) without it being seen as a "deal-breaker" even if it's something small.
Hey @svrooster
I just want to acknowledge your self-awareness in this situation. I think a lot of people struggle with what you're describing but it can be hard to make the connection between isolation and control. It's a huge strength that you're able to think through what is going on for you internally.
It sounds like this is something you've been working through for awhile. I'm just wondering if you've ever spoken with a trusted person or counsellor about it?
Hi @Bre-RO
I've briefly brought it up with my best friend - the key word being briefly as she was working at the time. All I remember was "jump the wall", your home life is only temporary, growth comes from vulnerability and stuff like that. At least she has faith that I'll find a loving partner, have great kids (although personally I don't want children) but kinda worried that the way I've been living just isn't working out.
If I had to pinpoint why I have walls up, it's fear. Fear of the unknown? Fear of uncertainty?
Hi @svrooster,
Reading over this thread, I am seeing so much insight and self refection in your thinking, and these two skills can lead to growth. Your willingness and courage to question the 'Why' of feeling guarded and really look inwards for answers is amazing and will help you find the way forward 
You've mentioned that you feel fear is the main reason why you have your walls up. When you are talking about the fear of the unknown and uncertainty, is this something you feel about particular parts of your life at the moment, or more of a general feeling?
Thanks @Jess1-RO
@Jess1-RO wrote:You've mentioned that you feel fear is the main reason why you have your walls up. When you are talking about the fear of the unknown and uncertainty, is this something you feel about particular parts of your life at the moment, or more of a general feeling?
Mostly a general feeling, but it does happen more often in certain situations (like meeting new people, wondering if someone likes me, for example). It happens a lot at home (probably the fear of judgement from family & any possible ramifications) hence why one of my goals is to build up savings and move out, although I'm worried that it won't solve everything.
Hey @svrooster
Fear of the unknown and sitting with uncertainty is so hard. I think it's great that you have a plan to reduce your triggers, by planning to move out. You mentioned feeling like that won't solve everything and I think it's a good sign that you're thinking through that.
Can you think of some other ways to deal with that general feeling of fear? Maybe even think back to a time where you overcame some kind of fear. How did you overcome it?
Admittedly I can't remember the exact moment & details, but most likely with some kind of action...after going through a lot of prior research about said action.
At least in the last few days - and it ties with the fear of the unknown - is a fear of vulnerability. Or a lack of desire to be vulnerable or climb the walls, and wondering why this isn't working.
That, in addition to how to deal with relationships (all kinds) when they don't agree with you, from your insignificant ideas to your hopes & dreams
I can see that you have been doing it tough lately. How did things go for you today?
Relationships are really complex and challenging. Disagreeing is natural and a part of being human. At the end of the day, we have the right to be ourselves and choose what we believe is the right path for us. If people disagree, they are entitled to do so but we are also entitled to continue on the same path. A lot of this really depends on the context of the situation/topic. You could try reflecting on these topics/decisions to explore what is best for you. Sometimes it can be helpful to find people who agree with you in different sorts of ways.. It can assist in making us feel a bit more human and down to earth
Hi @Taylor-RO
Yesterday wasn't too bad! Had some free time to go to the gym for the first time in a little while, which helped.
I just really don't like conflict hence my claim of "I don't see how people argue/fight and still be close" or something along those lines. It may be a minor thing that's brought up but I'm instantly put on the spot.
For me that's a rare occurrence though. The best metaphor to describe my current mental state would be full of cobwebs and a desperate need of lubricant - refer to what I said earlier for context
It is normal to not like conflict, most people would avoid it if they could so please know that you are not alone in that. It can raise a lot of uncomfortable feelings as well as anxiety, stress and panic. Sometimes this desire to avoid conflict can take over and and start to have an impact on our life. You mentioned that you have been going through a lot recently in regards to relationships, energy levels, exhaustion and your emotions. Have you thought of speaking to a health professional about what has been going on for you? This could be your local GP or a psychologist/counselor for a chat
