Living with a BPD person
Hi,
I've been a member here for a few weeks & have only posted on other people's threads even though I joined up to vent & get some sort of understanding from someone who may know what I'm living with.
I apologise if this post sounds blunt but I need to let it out how I feel it.
If I had known what BPD was at the start & if I had known the diagnosis I would NEVER have pursued the relationship. It didn't help that both she & her mother pushed too hard too fast either.
We've now been together for 22mths & if it weren't for the fact that we now have a 7mth old girl I would have left long ago.
The emotional games & rollercoaster of feelings I get from her causes me to be unstable in my moods. I'm constantly walking on egg shells & never know what to expect or when she'll change. I've constantly got my guard up ready for whatever she throws at me & that makes me tense & edgy.
It doesn't help that she's also fat & lazy. She sleeps for 12-14hrs per day. Her stupid mum lives with us & does everything for her. It's like I'm married to her mum & she's 1 of the kids. She acts like 1. She's stubborn & hormonal & very immature. How I didn't see it before I don't know.
She is on medication. She's now being reassessed by a new psych but she keeps finding lame excuses to miss appointments so progress is minimal.
She has NO idea how a relationship works although I'm not sure if that's BPD or her crap upbringing or both. Intimacy (& I don't just mean sex) is non existant. I thought I was unromantic but she's like a dead stick when it comes to romance. She treats me more like a distant friend than a partner.
She's obsessive & very compulsive with money. She has no self discipline whatsoever with anything.
Everything is just a constant fight & struggle just to lead a shadow of a normal life. It's beyond pathetic. It's completely rediculous.
She's constantly making trouble with her hate for everything & everyone. She's nasty to my 9y/o son who has asperges & while he has his problems he's still just a kid. She makes such a HUGE issue over the smallest thing.
She never listens to anything anyone says. She twists what she hears, recalls things that never happened & doesn't recall things that did.
She's extremely paranoid (only with some things though) & extremely anxious.
In short, she's impossible. Everything I bring up with her gets thrown back at me in a week or two like I'm the 1 with that problem.
She got violent with me on more than one occasion & there was 1 time when she was pregnant that she kept starting fights even though her mum told her to stop. Her mum took her to work & told her not to contact me. Yeah right. The verbal abuse & provocation kept coming so I went to confront her & tell her to stop. She went me & I grabbed her for balance & we both fell hard but I landed on top so wasn't hurt besides the cut to my chest where she opened the car door onto me. I raced to get her mum to take her to hospital to get the baby checked. She wouldn't go even though the hospital was about 1 kilometer away. She insisted someone call an ambulance. She refused to get in the passenger seat & get driven. It would have been quicker. I was told to leave & given her state I thought it best to also. Then the police came & areested me. She had driven, yes driven herself to the police station (even though she was SO stressed about the baby & needed an ambulance that minute) & spent 2 hrs there making a false report that I wrenched her from the car & threw her to the ground. I'm half her size & weight, literally. Even if I'd wanted to I couldn't do that. Fortunately her version of events didn't make sense & mine did plus my kids saw it & police interviewed them too. Now DCP are involved & my whole life has been turned upside down over her & her crap. I found out later that the police even went to my ex wife's house (who severely dislikes me) to ask her if there was any history of domestic violence & apparently she stuck up for me (well I'll be stuffed) & said never & she even admitted tht she used to push my buttons big time & I never lashed out.
I don't get consulted about anything to do with our daughter. Her & her mum make all the decisions & they wonder why I'm having bonding issues. I don't FEEL like she's mine. I've got 2 kids to a prior marriage so I know how it goes. I thought my ex had issues.
I've come to realise that I can't have a trouble free life with this girl. I looked up BPD on wikipedia & started crying. I realise it must be hard to be a person with BPD but when I read how long it takes for any form of remission I lost it. You're looking at 2-6 yrs of intense psychotherapy & that's if you're your a willing participant. My fiance is not. It's not until she gets really really low to the point of desparation that she wants help & even then she never listens to the advice or sticks to any of the recommendations. She doesn't even take her tablets properly. Half the time she forgets & when I remind her she gets sanppy about it. She should be taking them when she 1st gets up as they work best for the 1st 8 hrs but she takes them around 2pm & then at 11pm, 2hrs after I needed to be asleep she's active & doing stuff she should have done during the day when she was on facebook.
Don't even get me started on her stupid little spoilt dog that gets the royal treatment.
There's no respect in my house. I own the house yet it's like I'm a boarder. Quite frankly I hate being here. They went interstate recently for 2 weeks (& are still there) & I don't know if I want them back. I was a single father of 2 kids before her & her mum, who doesn't know how to let go of the apron strings & has mental issues herself, came along. I can cook & clan & I keep a neat home so when this crap infiltrates my life, my singleness looks real good. It's better to be single & lonely than have this much crap in your life.
Of course there must have been something that made me fall in love with her. Yes there was. Things were really good for the 1st couple of mths. I don't really know what changed or why. It seems like she was just making an effort at the start because of the novelty of new love but the honeymoon period lasted less than 3 mths for her. I tried to keep it going. I never wanted it to end. I've left myself open to so much hurt by trying to keep it going because I've only hit brick wall after brick wall.
I could go on all night & into tomorrow. I've never been 1 to bottle things up but when I'm constantly bombarded with hurt & disappointment at a faster rate than I can cope with, how am I supposed to let it go & move forward?
I really don't know what to do. I feel like I've been backed into a corner. I'm not me anymore & I don't feel I can be me. We can't agree on anything. There's no compromise. I can't deal with things that aren't reality. I can only deal with reality & she's so far from realistic.
We're getting in home help from several directions but she won't even listen to them. She pretends to agree with them to their faces & then when they leave, the real her comes out. I hate 2 faced people. You can't trust them. You can't trust mentally ill people either. I've started counselling to help me deal with this crap but honestly things have gone so far now that the only thing that could help is for things to change or for it to go away. My friends all tell me I'm a VERY persistent, pationate dedicted person & very patient when I need to be but that has all been stretched to it's outer limits.
I don't know what I want anymore & I feel selfish if I want something to be about me in some little way even if it;s something I should be getting from a normal relationship. I'm starting to question everything & I know from past experience that when I get like that it's time to start shutting the crap out & follow my gut.
I just want someone to say the right things but I don't know what they are anymore. I guess deep down I do but I question it all now. I'm at my wits end. I've had 2 emotional breakdowns & I've been on the verge of a mental breakdown over this crap. I'm starting to hate women & I'm not happy about that at all. I know you can't blame all for the actions of a few but I have an ex wife who I put up with years of crap from as she was abused sexually by her step father but even with the hardship that put on our relationship she left me for someone at her work after 10 yrs of marriage because she chose to lead a lifestyle I don't condone. I rebounded into an alcohol fuelled relationship with a hot girl who turned out to be a raging alcoholic & had violent tendecies when drunk. I had to break it off as it wasn't healthy for the kids or me. Now I've got a stubborn lazy fat pain in the ass with BPD & I was stupid enough to get pregnant even though it was somewhat of an accident.
Besides going bankrupt or going to prison, my life couldn't get much worse. I realise I make awful choices in women because I don't feel worthy of anyone better & that depresses me. I don't have the heart to leave this relationship & I'm not sure if I want to. What if she starts getting better? What about the odd good day she has? I don't know. I'm really confused.
Comments
Hey Sharky,
It sounds like things are really tough for you at the moment. It can be really difficult to feel trapped in an unhappy relationship. It definitely sounds like there's lots you need to sort through, including your feelings about your relationship history and what you want for your future. Relationships Australia have some great services that provide advice and support for people in relationships.
Is counselling something you would consider?
I also edited your post just a bit to fit within our guidelines.
Sorry if my post didn't fit the guidelines. I didn't intend to breach them.
It is hard. I am getting counselling & we are going to get couples counselling soon but to start with we're getting individual counselling. She's getting counselling for her issues & I'm getting counselling to deal with it.
Sometimes I feel like a volcano ready to erupt. I hate being like that. I'm normally a very positive fun person. I feel this is bringing me down.
No worries at all regarding breaching the guidelines. I totally got that you did it accidentally. We edit out specific names of medications so it doesn't look like a reccommendation. 🙂
It's awesome that you guys are accessing support through counselling. Sometimes it's just a matter of holding tight for a while to see if it makes a difference. Unfortunately, none of us can change ourselves overnight and if your partner struggles with mental health issues, it may take a little while for you to see some changes. Hopefully the counselling you're receiving can help you manage in the meantime.
It can be so difficult dealing with the massive emotions that come up when a relationship is not working out, so if you're feeling lots of anger this info might be helpful. It would also be great to raise this with your counsellor.
Do you have any ways of dealing with the anger that works for? Like exercise or listening to loud music?
Thanks guys.
Yeah NigioC I do try listening to loud music but I've found myself not enjoying music lately. Things have gone so far that I'm beyond the point where all the things I'd normally do to de-stress would work so I don't really have an outlet for my anger because I just want things fixed so badly that the only outlet that would work is a solution, otherwise the temporary escape from reality is so short lived that the return to reality renders it a waste of time.
Life just isn't meant to be this hard. I've always had a low tollerance for unnecessary problems & wasting time so this doesn't help my situation. I've tried changing & becoming tollerant of things but forcing myself to conform makes me so miserable within that I can't describe it. I guess it means changing so much about me & what I stand for that I don't feel I'm me anymore.
I've tried getting this all off my chest with close friends & my counsellor. I've tried all my old ways of letting the stress out but things are happening so thick & fast & so much has happened that none of it's working.
What more can I say? I think I'm backed into a corner. My choices don't look very good. I'm barely hanging in there right now & I'm not even sure why. I guess because my ex wife left me & I see that as a selfish act especially when you've committed yourself to a relationship for life. So if I left I'd be no better than her or any other disloyal person.
Life is such a load of crap. Sometimes I wish I wasn't alive. Don't stress I'm not suicidal. I mean I wish I wasn't born, not that I'd end it. I know it'll get better at some point, one way or another.
I want to talk to mensline but I'm fighting back tears right now & I struggle to talk about these things without getting emotional & that is why I'm typing them here. Honestly I have a reputation amongst my friends as being a very strong, controlled person & I'm normally the one helping others get through the trials of life. This has just dropped my on my arse.
Hi Sharky,
I just finished reading your latest post and what really stood out for me was that you've stopped enjoying the things that you used to use for self care.
I guess the reason this stood out to me the most is that when this happens to me I know it's time to seek some help with what I'm struggling through. When I know all my resources won't get me through and I'm only focused on one question or thought I know I'm about to reach crisis point and that I'll have to bring in reinforcements for some help.
I wanted to share that with you because I know how desperate you can start feeling when you reach that stage and I really wanted to make sure that you're looking after yourself during this time. I really, really encourage you to seek some help. I'm not a man, but I do understand the internal struggle of putting on a brave face and looking strong. I wear that mask all the time. But lately I've learnt that I don't always need to wear it, yes it can be helpful at times, but at other times I can let it go.
Talking to MensLine might be one of those times where you can drop your mask.
I can see your frustration and anger coming across in this post. There is a lot about internal struggles as well and I know you've mentioned that you're not feeling suicidal, but even wishing that you'd never been born is a hard place to be in.
I am really backing you man, I'd love to hear about that call to MensLine if it ever goes through!
Hi Atma,
Here's the latest. Since my last post I have had another appointment with my counsellor & have also spoken at length with the online chat counsellor which from memory was on this site somewhere I think???
Anyhoo, I was starting to feel I had a way of coping with it by talking because my counsellor was good in helping with the long term things but immediately after a tense moment it was good just to chat online.
However today something else happened that has basically lead me to make the decision I didn't want to make. All weekend she was a total bitch to me & the kids & even her mum, who also had enough of her & it takes a LOT for that to happen.
Anyway the short story is that today some things were said by her that lead me to say a few things (tactfully) but it didn't take long for her to start talking to me like I'm a piece of shit & this time I snapped. I'm sorry but I won't have someone 7 yrs younger than me stand over me & yell "You'll look me in the eye when I'm talking to you". That's something I say to my son when he's trying to avoid being told off. I'm 34 for shit sake & did nothing to deserve that.
Things got even more heated & she was supposed to be on her way out to a GP appointment. But she's standing there yelling spiteful shit looking for a fight & I wasn't in the mood for her crap. I told her the least she could do is just shut her mouth & go to her appointment. There was no need for her crap. I wasn't saying anything negative to her at this stage so she didn't need to say anything to me. But she kept going & I was at that point where I'd had enough so I got louder & told her to shut her *^%$&^% mouth & go. Then she says "Hit me, go on, hit me". I ignored it the 1st few times but she moved in closer & said it louder. I informed her that if someone heard her say that & I IF I then did hit her that I probably wouldn't be charged. She then put on this sweet sarcastic voice & pretended as if she was speaking to a cop saying how she'd deny it all & basically lie her ass of to get me in trouble. At this point I saw it necessary to have a witness with me (besides her mum) so I want across the road to get my neighbour. When I walked back I was confronted by a locked door to a house I own (not her, just me) & she's on the phone to the cops saying I threatened to murder her.
I walked back across the road & chilled out for half an hour. Then I saw her mum walk out. Well since I'd only walked out to get a witness I only had pants & a t-shirt on & had no shoes or jumper & it was cold & raining. I followed her mum back to the door, prepared to hide myself in my roon until things cooled down only to have the door slammed in my face & locked & my neighbour & I heard her telling the cops I was trying to get in the house. I just wanted some warm clothes for shit sake.
Her mum brought me my shoes & a jumper from around the back. I was furious by now. I stayed across the road & about 20 mins later a cop car pulled up. They eventually came & spoke to me & the story is that because she has our 8 mth old daughter I have to leave the house for 24hrs. Fuck this shit. It's my house. I own it. I didn't cause any of this. I'm sick of this crap. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of problems.
Now I'm stuck at my neighbours house & I have to go elsewhere after work tomorrow because I can't go home until 5:40pm & for what? Her stupid lies & vindictive ways?
Nah I've had it. I'm not some white trash fool to be having the cops come over every couple of months. This is embarassing. I was married for 10yrs prior to this relationship & there was never any of this crap so I'm stuffed if I'm going to hear anymore of her blaming it all on me.
I just hope she doesn't run interstate with OUR daughter (not hers). There are so many hearts at stake here not just hers or mine & it's because of that that I've put up with things to this point but I can't do this anymore. I just hope her mum gets finance for the property she's just put an offer on so that we can be close by with a view to fixing things even if it takes a long time but for now I want them out of my house. Enough is enough.
Hi Sharky,
It sounds like things are a bit rough at the moment. I'm glad to hear you're engaging with some services including a counsellor and online counselling (which I think must have been with eheadspace, as we don't do have any crisis services).
It sounds like things are really tense at the moment. I can't really give you any advice, mostly because I've never been in this situation before. But I can tell that this seems to be a turbulent relationship and perhaps it's time to start asking yourself the hard questions and making some plans.
Here is a selection of fact sheets you might like to check out.
http://au.reachout.com/Conflict-in-relationships
http://au.reachout.com/Tips-for-communicating
http://au.reachout.com/Listening-skills-worth-having
http://au.reachout.com/Building-better-coping-skills
http://au.reachout.com/All-about-problem-solving
http://au.reachout.com/Why-do-people-get-angry
http://au.reachout.com/Signs-of-an-abusive-relationship
http://au.reachout.com/Dealing-with-divorce-and-custody
Most of these fact sheets are about how to keep your cool, communicate effectively and deal with conflict. I've also added in a few more based on some of the stuff you've mentioned above. I know there are quite a few, but I recommend having a browse of the ones that strike a chord with you. I know you've got a daughter in the midst of all this and I think some of these fact sheets will be able to teach you the skills needed to negotiate through your current situation without having too big of an impact on your relationship with your daughter.
Atma
You're in a really awful situation and I can understand why you think you have no options at the moment 😞
If you don't feel like your counsellor is helping - can a doctor refer you to someone else you feel you have a better fit with?
Like you say, sometimes we go through crap periods and the best we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. You'll find that light at the end of the tunnel if you keep going.
Please remember to take care of yourself.
JD.
Goodluck!
