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TW: Casual suicidal thoughts: are they normal?

So... I just posted this is a random psychology ask blog without realizing it was a total joke full of "Love spell caster spambots", and I don't even feel like posting it anymore, but I took the time and effort to write it and put it down into words... So I'll just copy and paste that mess here:

 

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So, the thing is... I have occasional suicidal thoughts that kinda have been going on and off since I a child, but since I've been more stressed lately they'd become more frequent.


I wasn't a depressed child (quite the contrary tbh), but I blamed myself for my parents' constant arguing (I did 'till the end of middle school) and every time they fought I would wonder/believe if I hadn't been born they would have been happy without me. I was scared to die and pain tbh. But this is as far as "self-harm" (if you even can call it that" I ever went.

Since then the suicidal thoughts have been going on and off. I worried more about the economic consequences of having to pay for a funeral for my family if I died or the case of failing and having to ling with a chronic injury (+ having to pay hospital bill).

The thing is that despite all that It ever felt like an off-handed idea and not something I would ever actually do, but recently the suicidal thought have become more frequent. And I know(/think?) it has something to do with the fact I've been stressed with the University. I feel like my life lack of direction: I not sure of what to do with it. I don't really know if I like what I'm studying, or what I like at all for that matter. I sometimes feel like a complete failure. I was that "golden child": good notes, good behavior, promising, but In ever feel comfortable being recognized that way because I was always low-key terrified that someday the would see what is coming to afloat today: That I'm nothing of that. That I never was. I feel like I'm regretting all my life decisions and the what-ifs are becoming more common (yohooo, mid-life crisis at 19. yey).

And I don't feel depressed in my day-to-day life or hopeless, I'm quite the out-going, cheerful type, but I feel like the days go by in a blur. I don't know how to express it exactly but is like there nothing noteworthy in them. I can't even remember 90% of what I cheerfully discuss with people. Everything is just small chit-chat, but if amenable and not bad enough to justify suicidal thoughts. I don't think I wanna kill myself, but since my life is not getting any direction and things just will be more stress in the future I'm worrying that these "casual" suicidal thoughts will become more frequent, and stop being "casual" but a thing I would rather start considering.

Sorry for the rant: I really don't know where I'm going with this tbh. I suppose that I just wanted to let it out, at least a little of it. There's still so much in my head, like for example the feeling that I sometimes don't know if I genuinely sometimes feel like this or like I'm not quite right; or if I'm just being an edgy attention-craving bitch pushing these feeling onto myself because I want to make something about me noteworthy (Which is funny because this is the first time I put this in to words). There is also sometimes the feeling that sabotaging myself. Or the feeling that I rarely can get way too hyped/excited and become loud and only loosely in control of my actions/words, that everything goes outta my mouth before it even has the chance of make a stop by the brain station.

Anyway, maybe if just that. That I'm pushing things onto myself and overthinking everything to justify the fact that I sometimes things there is something wrong with me.

Gosh, this "ask" is a mess.

Re: TW: Casual suicidal thoughts: are they normal?

Hi @Megu, it sounds like you have been reflecting lately on your experience with suicide and depression. You also talk about some issues that you feel have been contributing to all of what is going on for you like stress and being a failure. All of this sounds like a lot to weigh on your mind all the time. It must get really tough to have these different types of thoughts. Have you ever talked about these feelings and concerns with anyone else? I feel like you have answered your own question with mentioning that you are worried your casual thoughts will become more frequent. I think this is really important to address through professional health services nearby. Is there a doctor or psychologist local to you? If you do feel like acting on thoughts to harm or end your life, we recommend contacting your local emergency services.

 

Unfortunately I had to edit some details out of your post as it is due to our community guidelines around graphic details. I also moved your post into the Tough Times section of the forum instead and added a TW to be mindful of our other members in the community. Please keep an eye on your emails, I will be sending one through Heart

Re: TW: Casual suicidal thoughts: are they normal?

Thank you a lot for responding. I feel a lot better at the moment and the thought of "maybe someday I'll do it" feels less ominous. The problem is that I just get these sudden urges of getting it out because I feel like I might drown in them otherwise, but when this urgent feeling pass, the worries fell more muted and is harder to getting them out/expressing them.

I currently lack the money for a private counselor/psychologist and even though my university has a public psychology service I haven't been able to take myself back there after the first time. Not so much because of the feeling that I could let it all out person-to-person or that she wasn't really looking at me, but due to the feeling that I totally lacked privacy. Several times (2 to be exact) during the session someone would just suddenly open the door and come into the room and once she opened the door the scream something at someone in the next room. This is the same problem that I have with going to see my counselor in high school: The feeling of complete lack of privacy and the nagging thought that they may gossip about me once I'm gone.

Anyway, really thank you for reading this mess, I feel better just knowing that this is no longer in my head, but that someone else knows about it too. Heart

Re: TW: Casual suicidal thoughts: are they normal?

Hey there @Megu,

Thank you again for sharing your story with us Smiley Happy I'm glad that sharing this all has helped. It's great that you were able to try your uni's services, even if they didn't work out. Other places where we can get support can be from our friends, family and other trusted adults or people in our lives. 

 

Unfortunately, because you are based internationally, a lot of the services we would usually suggest won't be helpful to you. However you are more than welcome to browse through our articles as some may be helpful to you. 

 

I hope that you are having a good week Smiley Happy