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TW: Chat

Does anyone want to talk at all? 

I'm not feeling great. I'm very sad and alone; I just want some connection with people. 

I've prepared my canvas for my painting, so I'm waiting for it to dry before I start. 

Now I'm crying again. I'm sorry. I'm safe. 

Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 06-11-2023 03:58 PM

Comments (9 pages)

 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 07-12-2023 03:45 PM

Hi @Lapis_Anteater 

That's okay. It's been tricky for me as well. 

Oh gosh, good luck. 

I got my results back for the sem I got to distractions and a credit. I went online to look at my results, and they said I failed a unit. I couldn't believe it. What happened was my exam never got marked. I was panicking all day that I failed. 

I saw my psych yesterday, so that was good. He really liked to challenge me on this one. 

I've been to the supermarket, made some cupcakes and done some washing. Mum also called to let me know that Granny was being buried today. So I went onto Facetime to listen to the little service they had with the priest that Granny knew. We're Catholic, but I don't go to church much. I cried a bit; I think it's made it a bit more real she is gone. When I go back home on the 20th, I think I would like to go out there on my own and sit with her and talk for a bit. I'm a bit upset now, but that's to be expected, I guess. 

When do you finish studying? 

 

 
 
 
 
Lapis_Anteater
Lapis_AnteaterPosted 07-12-2023 04:01 PM

@Red_Flamingo

Thank you thank you 😭.

That’s so good! That sounds incredibly stressful. I hate when universities make mistakes like that. I feel like you end up think about all the things you could have possibly done wrong and then it’s turns out they made an error.

I’m glad it’s going well. It’s so helpful when psychs find the balance between challenging you and also still supporting you.

Sounds like a productive day. I’m sorry for your loss. What was she like (only if you want to talk that is)? Funeral make the loss real. That sounds like a lovely plan. Completely understandable for you to be upset. Grief is weird, at least in my experience it was either completely overwhelming or barely there and I kind of worried that I should be sadder.

The end of the exam period is mid-February but I’m kind of hope my exams are earlier in the week, so I have more time off. How about yourself?

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 07-12-2023 04:24 PM

I know it's so annoying. Anyway, it's all good now. I'm just waiting for my transcript to update so I have no failed units. 

Thank you. She died in September, the day before my birthday. I was at the airport when she died, which I didn't know until I got into the car with my Mum and Dad. I felt so bad I couldn't get back in time. 

I stayed home for a week longer until the funeral; then, I returned to uni. It was a tough time with that and my depression and then ending up in the hospital and losing my job. Anyway, today was the final part. She had been cremated, and they were waiting for the plark to be made, which had taken nearly three months. 

She was the best; we got on so well. I am not bragging, but I was her favourite. I would greatly help her, and we had such a lovely relationship. She also had depression for 40 + years so we could talk about that too which was nice, but I wouldn't go into a lot of detail about it all. I would see her every week if I lived near her. What's hard is that I didn't see her as much when I moved. We had my cousin's wedding at the end of June. She was doing so well since her broken arm. She did an actual number on that last year. I found it, and I had to help the ambos. I wasn't allowed in, which was very frustrating. Anyway, she was in and out of rehab and hospitals after multiple surgeries since she broke it last year in July. Then she ended up in a nursing home, maybe in May of this year. She wasn't very good, but once the wedding came around, she started to get better, which we all think was the calm before the storm. She was doing really well and going out to see her friends, but by mid-August, she started to deteriorate a lot, and then it was just before I was coming down for my birthday on the 9th. I think Dad called me on Sunday and said he didn't know if Granny would be here until Christmas, and then he called on Tuesday. He didn't know if she would be here on my birthday, which she didn't make it to as she died on the 8th. It's always going to be a hard one for me now. Everyone is sad when the first anniversary rolls over, and I'll somehow have to celebrate my 21st. Anyway, it's not about me. She was also a very compassionate person to others and would help a lot of charities, donate knitting, and make a lot of stuff with the help of her friends. A lot knew her of people where I live/live. 

I miss her greatly, but she isn't in any pain anymore, which is the main thing. Last week, she didn't eat or drink and had a morphine syringe in her hip because of the pain. 

What are you doing this afternoon @Lapis_Anteater

I need to clean my room, wash up, put some washing away and cook dinner. I'm going to have tuna pasta bake tonight. 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Lapis_Anteater
Lapis_AnteaterPosted 08-12-2023 04:06 PM

Hey @Red_Flamingo

I’m glad it is getting sorted.

 

That’s such awful timing. It’s so much to go through. She sounds like a really amazing person and the connection you have with her is truly special.  

 

I don’t really know if this is helpful, but my dad died a few months before I turned 18. My birthday really felt like a huge milestone that I wanted him to be there for. All the events holidays or big occasions sucked because he was missing. It just felt like there was this giant hole. But at the same time, I realised that the alternative of it not sucking sounded so much worse. I wanted to feel sad because that relationship and that person are really important to me. I didn’t want to be okay with him not being around or for Christmas to be the same because this huge integral piece is missing. Its been a few years and I still don’t particularly like my birthday (I doubt ever will) because my dad’s is two days after, and we’re meant to celebrate together. But I think it’s pretty cool to love someone enough that them not being around is enough make special days worse. I try to remind myself that it hurts because it matters and I’m so so glad it matters.

 

I’ve mainly been doing some university work and watching some shows. My friend came over for a bit to pick some things up. What have you been up to today?

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 08-12-2023 04:14 PM

Hi @Lapis_Anteater 

She truly was an amazing person. Yeah, I don't know how my birthday will be the same as next year. On the 8th, it will be the one-year ancestry, and then the next day is my birthday, and I'll be 21, so how am I supposed to celebrate that after such tragedy? 

I feel you. I'm not sure what it's like for you to lose your dad, but it's an awful thing for anybody. Ahh, I don't know why I'm getting emotional all of a sudden again. 

I've mainly been on here, searching for a fidget ring and more Taylor Swift posters, lol. 

I need to cook dinner and have a shower at some stage. I'm being so lazy not having one. 

 
 
 
 
 
Bel_RO
Bel_ROPosted 08-12-2023 11:32 AM

Hey @Red_Flamingo ,

I am so sorry to hear about your granny and send you my deepest condolences.

 

Thank you for sharing your story about your granny. I can imagine how difficult this was to talk about and want to acknowledge how courageous you are for sharing and being so raw. As you know, losing a loved one is hard but reflecting on the good memories can be a good way to deal with grief. I enjoyed reading about your relationship with your granny and seeing what a wonderful person she is. I can see that she was a great support for you which would make her absence a lot harder for you understandably. 

 

I'd like to know a bit about what you will be doing to look after yourself today? 

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 08-12-2023 12:04 PM

Hi @Bel_RO 

Thank you. I really appreciate you saying that. She was a very special person indeed to a lot of people. She was very stubborn at times, but that was forgotten because she always knew how to put a smile on my face. Gosh, I think this is a bit raw as I'm writing this. It's making me cry. I will very much miss our relationship. She just understood me so much better than my parents did. I will be forever grateful for having her in my life. One special thing that happened as I got older at the Myer Christmas party was if you were a Myer one member, you got invited. I would get the Myer bear for her as she liked to collect them to save time for Poppy I would get it. This year, when I went, I got the bear, and I had to leave it at my parent's place as I couldn't fit it in my bag and they just sent it over with a few other things, and I got it yesterday so it will have a great memory attached to it. 

I think after the funeral I felt she was alive, but seeing her in the box yesterday (on Facetime), I think, made it more real that she is really gone, which hurts a lot. I don't think I've cried about her properly since the funeral, and one time, I heard her voice from a recording a couple of years ago. It's so hard to imagine someone being alive and then being dead. When I went and saw her it was so hard. I'd never seen someone dead before, so it was a bit of a shock. It's just the concept of how in July she was so full of life to September her dying is hard to fathom. The last time I saw her was at the wedding when she was so happy and doing really well. I spoke on the phone to her a few times, and the second last one was about a week before she died. She was worried about dying, but I said you have got a long time left. Then, the last time I spoke to her, she thought I was with one of my cousins when he was in a different state. I told her I'd be there on Friday to see her, but I didn't arrive in time. That's the one thing I don't like is I didn't get to say goodbye to her while she was alive even if she didn't understand or recognize me. I think that part is more for me. 

I will go and see her one day when I go back home. I hope I'll be able to go out on my own so I can have a chat with her. I hope she is looking down on me, and in heaven, she did so much good for the world. 

Anyway, sorry, that was a long spill. I think I needed that. 

I would like to go to the gym today, and I need to tidy up my room. I think I'll need to try and compose myself a bit. I'm still crying.

 
 
 
 
 
Howl42
Howl42Posted 08-12-2023 12:57 PM

Hi @Red_Flamingo I thought I'd just jump in here.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Losing someone is incredibly painful and thank you for sharing more about your granny. It's evident she meant so much to you and the pain of her absence is hitting hard. She seems like a wonderful person from how you've described her, and that you shared a special bond.  Your emotions are completely valid, and it's okay to feel the way you do. Grieving is a complex process, and everyone copes differently. Taking the time to share your thoughts and memories can be a crucial part of healing.

The image of seeing her on Facetime and the stark reality of her no longer being there must be incredibly difficult to process. Moments like these can make the enormity of loss sink in, and it's okay to feel the weight of the emotions.

The desire to have said a proper goodbye, even if she couldn't understand, is something many can relate to and speaks volumes about the love you hold for her. Grieving is such a personal journey, and the need to find closure in your own way is entirely valid.

If going to the gym or tidying up your room feels like a way to provide a bit of normalcy, that's perfectly fine. Take the time you need, and don't hesitate to reach out if you want to talk or share more about your feelings. Grieving is a process, and it's important to be patient with yourself as you navigate through it.

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 08-12-2023 01:10 PM

Hi @Howl42 

Yeah, yesterday was an eye-opener. She was the best. I would do anything to have her back here with me, but the last few weeks of her life were very hard, and she was in a lot of pain. I'm just trying to think she is in a better place and not in any pain. Even though I don't know how dying can be a better place than being alive. Other than when I agree when I have SI, which I don't. 

It's just sad knowing she is in ashes in a box for eternity. I know it's the circle of life and will happen to us all one day, but it's still a hard thing to process. 

I think being able to talk at the grave will help with the closure. 

Mmm, I'm not sure I'm going to go to the gym. I still need to clean my room, have a shower and a few other things. If I'm not there by 3 pm there's no point I don't like to go when there are a lot of people. 

I don't get why thinking about her and writing things about her is making me cry. Maybe I'm processing through sharing her memory. 

 
 
 
 
 
Howl42
Howl42Posted 08-12-2023 01:31 PM

@Red_Flamingo I'm truly sorry for the pain you're going through. It's clear that the last few weeks with her were incredibly tough. I completely get that the concept of "a better place" is complex and hard to grasp. I suppose it's a way to justify what has happened, yet it's natural to question why someone endured such pain to begin with. The inevitability of loss is something we all know, but when it becomes a reality, the emotional toll is incredibly hard to process and nothing can truly prepare us for it.

 

I agree, the idea of closure through talking at the grave sounds like a meaningful and personal way for you to navigate through this difficult time. 

 

Regarding the gym, it sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now, and taking care of yourself in the way that feels most comfortable is important. If going at your own pace - cleaning your room, having a shower, and processing your emotions - is what you need, that's completely okay.

 

I think why writing things about her and thinking about her makes you cry is because it's a natural and cathartic way to express your grief. Sharing memories is a beautiful way of honoring her and it's absolutely okay to feel the intensity of emotions. It's a testament to the depth of the connection you shared.

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 08-12-2023 01:39 PM

It's okay; I'm not crying anymore. It is a hard one to understand, but at least she isn't in any pain. In the last week or two, she had so much pain and a syringe driver in her hip to give her pain meds. 

I knew for a few weeks about the possibility of her dying at some stage this year or next year, but it came around so suddenly, so you can't prepare for it. 

I'm trying to find a fidget bracelet, but I can't seem to find much about. 

When I last went home and had dinner with Poppy, I didn't cry when discussing her. I don't get why now it's brought up so much emotion. @Howl42 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Howl42
Howl42Posted 08-12-2023 02:01 PM

@Red_Flamingo Thank you for letting me know how you're feeling, I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit more settled now. The details you shared about her pain in the last few weeks sound like an incredibly challenging journey she went through. The experience of seeing someone you care so deeply about in pain can leave a lasting impact on your emotions.  Grieving is a unique journey for everyone and so unpredictable too. It's completely natural for the intensity to vary.

I think a fidget bracelet is a great idea and the one you sent is super pretty. I hope it brings you comfort during difficult moments.

It's interesting how emotions can hit us at different times. Not crying during a discussion with Poppy but feeling a surge of emotion now— it shows how unpredictable grief is. Your feelings are entirely valid, and there's no right or wrong way to navigate through them. Sometimes, it takes time for certain feelings to surface, and that's okay.

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 08-12-2023 02:07 PM

Thank you @Howl42 

It was a very difficult time for her indeed. It's a bit annoying that it is unpredictable. Well I have a ring on my finger and I can't stop fidgeting with it so I thought if i got a real one I would stop doing it with the one I shouldn't touch. 

What are you up to this afternoon, and how are you, by the way?

 
 
 
 
 
Howl42
Howl42Posted 08-12-2023 02:27 PM

You're very welcome @Red_Flamingo . I totally get what you mean about the unpredictability, it's frustrating when your emotions don't go how you expect or they're changing and you can't predict how you'll react.  

The idea of getting a bracelet to stop the fidgeting with your ring on your finger is genius! It's those small things that sometimes make a difference. Have you found any other websites that sell them? I tried looking and worry rings seems like the main one because their styles are really nice too! 

As for me, I'm good thank you for asking! I have some family coming over for dinner so I'm going to start preparing for that soon! I need to clean my room as well so we're in this together 🤝

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 08-12-2023 02:34 PM

I've found this place, but it's a ring. I think that might be better as that's what I'm doing now. I've been doing it all morning. I don't stop, and my fingers get all red from me moving the ring. 

Do you live on your own? I am I live in uni accommodation. 

What are you cooking? I'm going to make tuna pasta bake. 

Do you like Lego @Howl42?

 

 
 
 
 
 
Howl42
Howl42Posted 08-12-2023 02:47 PM

Yeah that makes a lot of sense to get a ring instead! I love that ring too! I'd love to know which one you end up picking? It seems like it could provide a good outlet for your fidgeting. It seems like those repetitive emotions have definitely taken a toll on your fingers, so I hope it's helpful!

No, I still live at home. How do you find your experience in uni accommodation? 

A tuna pasta bake sounds delicious! Do you find cooking therapeutic? I think I’m going to make a vodka pasta, it’s super simple and tastes amazing, just need to figure out some sides!

I actually built my first Lego since I was a kid last night! It’s a Christmas tree and you can build it 3 different ways so I’m thinking of building it a different way every year at Christmas! Do you like Lego?  @Red_Flamingo 

IMG_7291.jpeg

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 08-12-2023 03:04 PM

Yes, I'll see what it is like and let you know @Howl42 

Well, as uni has finished for the year and I lost my job in September, I'm finding it challenging. I'm trying to plan things to do each day, so I'm not feeling as bad because it's taken a bit tol on my emotions the past two weeks. I hope next year will be better as I'm moving into a three-bedroom apartment across the road from where I am now. 

Yes, it will be yummy. Yeah, I like cooking. I made some chocolate cupcakes yesterday Death by Chocolate Cupcakes 

I would personally use self-rising flour as I can taste the bi-carb soda. I should have done that. I don't know why I was so stupid and didn't change it. 

What's vodka pasta like? I've never had it. Garlic bread? cheese and garlic , it's not bread as in a loaf, but it's so good. Maybe a light salad would be nice. 

Oh, yay, that is so exciting. I've made a post about Lego, and some others have contributed. You should have a look. It's just called Lego. 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Howl42
Howl42Posted 08-12-2023 03:51 PM

@Red_Flamingo congratulations on finishing uni for the year! What are you studying?

I’m very sorry to hear about the challenges you’ve faced with the job loss and the emotional toll it’s taken. What kind of things do you plan for each day? That sounds like a really positive approach.
Moving into a 3 bedroom apartment does sound really exciting for next year!

Ooo death by chocolate cupcakes sound amazing! I’ll put them on my list of things to make because I love chocolate. Thanks for the tip; self raising flour instead could indeed be a good alternative. Don't be too hard on yourself; we all learn from these little mishaps and you were only following the recipe. 

Vodka pasta is sooo good, it’s like a creamy tomato sauce and is super quick to make! Thank you for the suggestions as well! I love cheese and garlic! I will definetly check out your lego post because I really want to get into building them more! 

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 08-12-2023 03:57 PM

Thank you @Howl42 

I'm studying for a Bachelor of Health Science Majoring in nutrition; I would like to go on to my master's of dietetics. I've got four years left all up. I am doing a summer unit about criminology. It's an elective, and I didn't have any other units I needed to do. 

Well, my plan is more for next week. I sidetracked it today. Gym, bike ride, train trips, visiting some art places, botanical gardens and some Christmas stuff, oh and also art. 

I also have an art thread and a Taylor Swift one if you're into anything like that. 

Do you have a particular recipe you use for the pasta?

Are you working or studying? 

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 08-12-2023 04:51 PM

Thank you for the chat today @Howl42@Lapis_Anteater

I'll talk to you both next week. I hope you both have a nice weekend. 

 
 
 
 
 
Howl42
Howl42Posted 15-12-2023 03:10 PM

Hi @Red_Flamingo I just wanted to check in and see how you're going and how your week was? I saw that you had lots of exciting plans for this week so I'd love to know about how they went!

 

Your academic journey sounds fascinating! What made you choose to pursue that degree? 

I'm currently studying a Bachelor of Psychology, and I'm on track to finish my undergrad up next year! I also currently work in hospitality as well. 

I'm looking forward to exploring your art and Taylor Swift threads 🙂 

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 15-12-2023 04:56 PM

Hi @Howl42 

This week overall been alright. I’ve been a bit up and down trying to get through it. 
I just really like food and nutrition and I want to be able to help people who need that support. 
That’s cool. I hope you’re enjoying it. 
Yeah thank you. 
sorry I’m replying so late I only just saw your message. We can talk more Monday if you like I can go into more detail. 

 
 
 
 
 
Howl42
Howl42Posted 19-12-2023 11:17 PM

Hi @Red_Flamingo

I saw on another reply that you're flying to your parents place on Wednesday so I just wanted to wish you a safe flight! 

And also moving into your new apartment soon - that's so exciting! How are you feeling about preparing for the move?

That's so cool that you want to help people that need that support, I'm glad you're studying something that really interests you because that's so important!

My weekend was good, I had a picnic with some friends and spent a few hours at the beach and got a bit burnt oops. 

Just checking in to see how your week/weekend has been so far? 

Sorry about my late replies. This week has been a bit crazy preparing for Christmas/ working! 

 
 
 
 
 
Red_Flamingo
Red_FlamingoPosted 20-12-2023 01:35 PM

Hi @Howl42 

Thank you I really appreciate you saying that. My flight is at 7:45 pm. 
I've just finished with my psychologist. It was good. We talked a bit more about Granny as I told him I was going to go see her at the grave tomorrow. Which will be good and hard at the same time. I hope it will give me some more closure. We also talked about a couple of nightmares I've had and why I've been so jumpy and startled when I see people around in the apartment building, e.g., when going to the bathroom, lift, kitchen, and common room. I've packed all my stuff into boxes so it's ready for the move on the 6th of January. I'm excited and nervous as I'm worried about who the other two females will be and if I'll get along with them etc. 
Sounds like you had a good time. I'm happy you enjoyed your picnic. 
Yeah just been busy with packing for my parents and the move. 

I feel like I want to cry. I'm on my way home from my psych and not sure why. Maybe it's because of what's to come. With being around 17 people on Christmas Day compared to little me in my room all alone. For so long. 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Howl42
Howl42Posted 10-01-2024 12:43 PM

Hi @Red_Flamingo

I hope the move into your new apartment went smoothly! How's everything going so far?

It seems like you were really nervous about Christmas Day. How did it turn out in the end? I'm here to lend an ear if you'd like to share.

Also, if you're comfortable discussing it, how was your visit to Granny's grave? Did it provide the closure you were hoping for? Now that some time has passed since your post, I'm curious about how you're feeling about everything now.

Welcome back!

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