TW: Really struggling
Hi all.
I'm sorry I haven't really been around much lately. I've just been struggling a lot lately, so I decided to make this thread. Sorry in advance if it's long or doesn't make sense, I typed something out a few days ago but it didn't end up saving, haha.
Well... I don't know how I'm going to get out of this hole. I honestly don't believe I've ever felt worse than I have been recently, and I feel awful because I probably can't even blame COVID for it, it's just how I am. First of all, I feel like I'm completely out of options. Last month I saw a psychiatrist to change my medication because the current ones aren't helping at all, but all he did was increase the dose. The GP said he can't change the type of meds again unless a psychiatrist says so. I feel like every day I'm begging to get off these meds, because I have never felt worse, but no one will listen to me. My mum even says she feels like 'I've never been better' on these meds, that I've just been super depressed lately because 'I don't want to get better' and 'I don't put the effort in'. Like, obviously I want to get better if I'm begging to get off these? It hurts me so much more to think that she's holding out for me to get better so badly that she refuses to admit I'm actually getting worse.
I don't feel very supported at all, at the moment. I know it happens to everyone but waiting lists for medical professionals are so draining. I have a new psychologist now and every session she appears so frustrated with me and contradicts everything I say. I have absolutely no friends or anyone to talk to, I even tried messaging my volunteering group asking if we can chill online but no one replied. I've said this before but I really need to move out, I hate talking about my family but I feel like all my mum and I do is fight, and I feel like she enables all my symptoms (e.g. while she yells at me to get up, she comes into my room without asking to open my curtains, etc). I need to grow up and learn some independence somehow but I don't know if I ever can, I just don't see it for myself. I honestly don't even really see any kind of future at the moment... I''m pretty much ignoring the fact I'm a uni student, I'm enrolled in one class and it's week three but I haven't even looked at any of the readings or even the course website...
Another thing that's really bothering me is intrusive thoughts of self-harm. Well, I don't even know if they're intrusive (/OCD related) at this point or not, but I can't stop thinking about it, even if I want to. I try to distract myself but it comes straight back. It's even things like 'I should try and get really drunk', and I'd spend ages researching how many drinks I'd have to have, etc (even though I've never been drunk or have even drank any alcohol in my life). It just feels so against my concept of self but I don't know if it's OCD or an impulse, and it's really, really upsetting me.
I'm not sleeping properly, even though I'm always exhausted I always end up going to bed after 5am and sleeping all morning. Even if I try to go to bed earlier, I can't sleep. I haven't been eating properly either, I've pretty much only been having one meal a day since I sleep through breakfast and don't have the motivation or energy to eat most of the time. I feel like I've lost interest in everything, I honestly don't know what I do all day because I just dissociate and float through it all. I don't even know what day or time it is half the time. I've been trying to think about how I got out of it last time I was this bad but honestly it was a mixture of meds and high school to distract me. I really don't know what to do... 
Comments
@Hozzles I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time right now. 😞
It must be so frustrating that no one seems to be listening to you at the moment. I don't think that it's your fault that you're so down and it's not fair that people are telling you that you just don't want to get better. No one wants to be sad or go through mental health issues. It's annoying that the psychiatrist spoke to your mum most of the time. 😞 Kind of reminds me of a physio place I used to go to where they would go between all their patients rather than spending the whole hour with me. Needless to say, I got better when I switched physios.
I can also understand your frustration about having to tell your story over and over again. I often feel similarly when I'm researching new supports or professionals. Sometimes, having a professional who knows your whole history can be a good thing, while sometimes it's a good idea to get another opinion. It can be really difficult to know when it's time to change. Something that has helped me in the past is asking to see a different professional in the same practice and allowing them to consult with each other and access my history. Often, some professionals have a special interest in a particular area and might know more about how to treat it too.
I'm happy to chat with you one on one outside the forums if you want to send me a message. We can chill online if you want. 🙂
Hey @Hozzles, you don't have to apologise for not being around, we totally understand. There is so much going on for you and I can only imagine that it must feel so overwhelming. It is frustrating that you aren't able to change your medication. Is there a reason why the psychiatrist increased the dose rather than looking at other options? It must really hurt to hear those types of comments from your Mum especially when you have been trying to make progress and change your medication. The fact that you are considering everything in your post shows that you are making an effort because you are trying to seek change but just feeling a stuck and unsure. We all feel that way sometimes and understandably it sounds like you have tried a lot so far.
Do you think it might be worth changing psychologists? It must feel so horrible to have sessions where you feel like someone is frustrated with you. If that was me, I would feel hesitant and uncomfortable to share what is going on for me. It really sucks that you aren't feeling supported... especially by your psychologist at the moment 
Do you ever talk to your psychiatrist about any of the things you have mentioned?
I'll try and reply as best as I can! Thank you
@lemurien - thank you so much for your kind words! wow, I can't believe I haven't thought of that before... you're probably right. It's been a hectic year regarding medical stuff + personal boundaries etc, so I couldn't be surprised if the SH stuff is coming from an innate need for change and self-control, no matter how drastic it might be.
@Taylor-RO - thank you too! Yeah, I think the psychiatrist just thought changing the dose would do more, but it didn't. I only got to saw him twice, and the second time he only talked to my mum and had me in for about ten minutes at the end. He pretty much just took Mum's word as gospel and directed everything towards her (you've done such a great job looking out for her, I'm sorry things are like this for you...), so I'd be keen not to see him again. The problem is I only saw this psychiatrist because the one my GP initially referred me to had a 5+ month wait for an appointment. I don't really understand, are people supposed to see psychiatrists regularly/ more than one session? For me, it's only ever to pop in to request meds, then I never see them again as their info is passed onto a psychologist/ my GP. This does sound very wrong to me but... 
I really can't afford to change psychologists, either. Like, I honestly cannot. I've been through so many through my life and I'm so disheartened having to tell my story again and again. I've only had two sessions with my current one and it makes me panic, because I know I need regular sessions but with only 10 sessions covered by medicare I wouldn't be able to afford anymore... and already 2 gone. I initially approached this psychologist in Aprilish but it's taken this long (July) to see them. I really can't wait that long again.
I tried to use Lifeline text tonight but the wait time was literally one hour, and by the time one hour went by I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone again . This happens a lot, I know it'd probably be better if I called but I am super bad on the phone and express myself better over text, so sometimes I literally just wait until 7pm so I can text. I honestly don't think it's very productive either, though, as Lifeline is for crisis situations yet mine is more long-term... their advice doesn't really apply to me or make me feel any better. I honestly just do not know what to do at all. I still have the referral for the psychiatrist with the 5 month wait so I might call and ask if I can be put on a cancellation list, and I might try to see my GP... I saw him about a week ago though and asked if I can change medication, but he said wait a little longer as my mum mentioned to him I've been 'seeming better'.
Hey @Hozzles ,
I'm so sorry to hear that things are so shitty and hard at the moment. It sounds like @lemurien may have helped you to see those urges in a different way, it sounds like it's been a really full-on year for new even without the extra layer of the covid stuff.
It sounds like calling the other psychiatrist to see if you can go on a cancellation list could be an excellent idea - I've often done that for my kids or myself when we're waiting to see a specialist and you often end up being seen much sooner. I can completely understand why you wouldn't be OK with him seeing your mum for most of the time and only talking to you for 10 minutes - I wouldn't be ok with that at all!! Especially the "I'm sorry things are like this for you.."... man, I can't imagine that would have been very useful for you 😞
I can completely understand why you'd be reluctant to change psychologists, it's exhausting and disheartening having to go through your story over and over again - do you think you could try writing them an email with some of your concerns/ asking them if you can focus your sessions differently would help at all?
We're all here for you - it sounds like things have been so hard for you lately, but you're still showing so much strength and perseverance, I hope that the clouds start to lift a bit for you soon. And we're here any time you want to talk/vent
Hi @Hozzles
I'm sorry things are so hard...
If you think something practical would help (Like finding easy to make foods or ways of safely feeling in control) I could help you brainstorm or if you just need to talk I'm here to listen.
I think regular scheduled appointments with a psychiatrist is how it should work, but unfortunately I don't think it does work like that...
It's a kind of clunky system which sucks.
Hopefully it's starting to improve though.
I hope things get better and we're here if you need anything.
When you said you can't blame COVID because it's just who you are - I have thought the same thing but we have to remember that even 'mentally healthy' people are getting hit hard by this and even experiencing symptoms of mental illness for the first time. These are symptoms people like you and I already experienced before this situation, so with COVID, it makes sense that we are going to feel even worse, and it's not fair to blame ourselves. It's already hard enough to deal with our mental health and I can tell you are really committed to feeling better, even if your mum doesn't see that. So COVID on top of that really is a punch in the gut!!
I really feel your frustration about your meds. It seems like different professionals as well as your mum have taken away your sense of control over the meds you take and that is really not fair, it's your body after all and your mind, you know it best. Then, it sounds like your psychologist is just making matters worse! I hate that she is contradicting you and getting frustrated with you, that is totally not okay for her to be doing as a psychologist. Do you think it would be possible to switch to somebody new? I had to switch recently and it was a lot easier than I thought it would be so maybe I could help you figure it out.
Maybe those kind of intrusive thoughts are coming to you because you feel so frustrated and you just want to do *something* to change things for yourself and feel better or at least feel different. I think that's really understandable, even though I can imagine it's really distressing to think those kinds of thoughts.
I'm sure other people will have better advice too! i'm sending my solidarity to you as someone struggling with similar things, we'll get through it!!
