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TW (Suicide, harm): Still struggling :(
If you look at my other posts you'll see I've been struggling with depression for a few years and it keeps getting worse. All I do is wait for medical treatment to help. Therapist, different medications. None of it works. I just am so over it.
I've just started seeing a psychiatrist and am a tiny hopeful he may be helpful. But I don't know if I even care anymore. I can't help but self sabotage, and my suicidal thoughts have gotten more intense (I'm safe).
I don't even know what I think, how I feel, or how I want to think or feel. I don't think I want to die, but I can't help but obsess over suicide. I just wish I could escape this. But I can't. I can't kill myself because I know it would hurt my family. Even though I don't even know what love feels like, I know my family and friends love me, and I love them. I have a younger sister with anxiety. My Dad lost his brother when they were kids and it still affects him and all his family today. Mum cried in a meeting at school with me. I couldn't do it to them. But at the same time, I just really hate living. Everything feels pointless because nothing makes me feel better. All I do is wait. Wait for something else to not help me get better. And at the same time, I kinda don't want to get better. It's very confusing and contradictory. I just feel so confused and trapped. And fed up with life in general.
I started TAFE today and in the lead up people were asking me if I was excited. I said yes. But honestly, I couldn't care less because it's just another part of life. And life feels very painful and pointless at the moment. It's just something else I have to do to try to pass time while I wait for something to help. But at the same time, I don't want stuff to help. It feels like giving up would be way quicker.
This morning my lovely boss who knows about my depression and even my recent bipolar 2 diagnosis, asked me if I was ok. I said yes. she asked if I was really ok. I said yes because that's just my standard automatic answer. But it kinda made me realise, I'm really not ok. I mean, do people who are ok obsess over ways they could kill themselves?
Anyways just venting. I have my second psychiatrist app on Thurs this week. I need to ask more q's about my bipolar 2 diagnosis because I don't really understand it. And I want to talk to him about the possibility of having borderline personality disorder. I've read some articles about it, and it feels like they were written about me.
Also, it almost feels like I need to attempt suicide to be taken seriously. My dr said he wasn't worried about my self harm because I'm not trying to kill myself. What??? Like seriously??? I'm not trying to kill myself... yet (I'm safe). Just URGHHHHHHHHHHH. The medical system really has not helped me. Part of the reason I harm is because it's the next best alternative to killing myself. I thought that once I started harming, maybe I would be taken more seriously and people would see how bad I am and I would receive treatment that actually helps. Spoiler: Hasn't happened. Maybe I am taken seriously, but stillllllllllllll. URGHHHHHHH. No treatment that works. Which makes me think there isn't treatment that will work. I try to remind myself that there's lots I haven't tried and I've just started seeing the psychiatrist but URGHHHH. I'm so fed up. And that comment from my dr really annoyed me. I mean, he's been a pretty good dr. But really? He's not worried about the fact that I purposely hurt myself, just because I'm not trying to kill myself? That's like saying he's not worried about a sprained ankle because it's not broken. If he could read my mind, he would be very worried and potentially would have sent me to hospital ages ago. Just because I'm not trying to kill myself doesn't change the fact that I'm in daily unbearable emotional pain, and would rather be dead than deal with this. Someone will probably think that was irrational sentence. Ik. But idc about being irrational. This is what happens when I self sabotage. I get angry and irrational and suicidal. And I want to cry but I'm really bad at letting myself cry. I'll just harm later instead.
This is going to sound confusing, but sometimes I get angry that I have lots of people that love me. If I didn't, I could kill myself knowing no one would care and wouldn't feel guilty. But knowing I have lots of people that love me stops me from doing so. I mean, imagine if my suicide contributed to one of them developing depression, the very thing that killed me? That would suck. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially not the people I love, even though I don't actually feel love. The way I see it, I put up with the pain of living to save them from the pain of me dying. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for all the awesome people in my life. If it wasn't for them, I probably would have attempted by now. But at the same time, if I didn't have any of them, it would be easy for me to just attempt.
I think I'm done venting for now. This sucks. Good job and thanks if u made it this far.
Writing about something a bit different this time...
Surely u know by now I write long posts. I have a lot to write about lol.
First of my bipolar is still... idk. Not great. Gone downhill a bit recently but think it’s connected to what I’m about to talk about.
My psychologist said my meds have done all they have. Which sucks. Cause it means I have a lottttttttttt of hard work to go.
They’ve helped me not be suicidal (although that has returned mildly recently, I’m safe but it’s unpleasant). They’ve lifted my depression a little. I knew they’re not a cure or anything. But I was hoping they would help a bit more.
So I’m a bit disappointed and overwhelmed but that. Determined. But still urgh 😞
I’ve really realised lately how traumatic my time at high school was. Not school itself. Not going into details, but I spent it suffering from undiagnosed bipolar, and no one noticed, which just made everything worse.
I’ve been getting more flashbacks lately. Feels like they torment my mind. I didn’t go to my little sister’s music concert at the high school because I knew it would be super triggering. And sometimes it makes me feel like I can’t breathe properly.
I think this trauma least contributed to me living in a constant state of dissociation and emotional numbness.
My psychologist has been saying for ages I need to feel my feelings. Until now I’ve said it’s too scary. And it is.
But last session she was really frank with me and said I need to try, otherwise I’m not going to make any more progress.
That was the first session I cried. Def the heaviest.
I felt a bit discouraged. She made me feel a bit like I haven’t been trying enough.
I’m trying to feel my feelings. But I genuinely do not know how to. I don’t know what emotions feel like. I don’t know what it’s like to not be constantly dissociating.
I’m trying to stop constantly distracting myself, that seems like a good start.
I found this book about emotions that’s really helpful for helping me adjust my attitude towards them. But I still don’t know how to feel.
Side point- sent a pic of the book to my psych and she said she was really proud of me.
My point is I’m frustrated that I know what I need to do, but I don’t know how to do it.
Realising hs was traumatic and it’s affected me makes sense. But it’s now hard to know what’s bipolar and what’s trauma.
My psych has asked me to write down hs in my therapy journal.
I’ve started. But it’s so heavy. I feel like there’s this barrier between me and writing the next parts.
This time period includes some of the worst days of my life. So many things I’ve been trying to forget.
But I’ve learnt things don’t just disappear. I have to process them.
I’ve journaled a lot in the last few yrs. So I already have a pretty detailed account. I’ve re read a bit and it was really upsetting. Just thinking about it now almost makes me cry (but at the same time I can’t feel anything). I’ve cried a lot while writing it so far.
I’ve already written a couple of pages, but have only scratched the surface. I’ve only written general stuff so far, but I have countless specific incidents to write about.
I guess what I’m saying is this is hard. It’s heavy. It’s confronting.
I’m trying to stop ignoring everything I’ve tried to ignore for the last few yrs. Which I need to do to process it.
But it’s brining up some old (milder) suicidal thoughts (safe), and strong harm urges.
It’s so heavy
And I feel like there’s a barrier between me and writing down more specific stuff cause it’s so hard to think about. I mean, this is the time period where I lived on the verge of killing myself.
Good stuff:
I’m getting strong harm urges again, so I’m trying to find other ways to express myself, like art and music. I’m 85 days clean and don’t want to ruin.
I used to love playing piano. But haven’t played in months (thanks depression). I’ve just started to try and get into it and have played 3 days in a row
And I’m getting better at telling Mum how I feel 🙂
Hi @Akinna
Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear that you have realised that you've got a lot of work to do. I imagine that must've been a really frustrating and confronting conclusion to come to, especially considering how hard you have worked so far.
Reflecting on traumatic experiences is rarely easy. It can bring up a whole lot of stuff that we never knew was there. It can be deeply distressing at times as well, as you have mentioned. I am wondering if you have talked to your psychologist about how to manage this distress when it pops up?
You said that you don't know how to feel your feelings. From what you've told us, it seems like you have started to learn and practice exactly how to do that. I am really proud of all the effort that you have put into this! I can tell that you've really taken this on board and are trying to face it head on, even if it's difficult ❤️
Even though it has brought up a lot of memories and feelings, it's great to hear that you have tried to focus on things you love and ways that you express yourself. What would you do if you felt these urges getting worse?
Thanks @Taylor-RO maybe I am doing a little better than I think.
Yes it is very frustrating, confronting and distressing.
No, I haven't talked with my psychologist about managing that distress.
The sessions go to fast. They're only every 3/4 weeks (I really should ask if I can have them closer together).
Last session was mainly me trying not to cry while she talked (I hate crying in front of people).
When we were talking about feeling feelings, I said I get flashbacks, and I was crying as I said that. So it was probs pretty obvious I find it distressing. She (kindly) said of course that's going to happen. It was not long after that she decided we would end the session there. It was a really heavy session and she didn't want it to be too much. Which is fair enough.
Yes I am trying hard. I know it will be worth it. But it's just so confusing, frustrating, confronting, and painful.
I just try to tell myself it will be worth it in the end.
I think of Jazz Thornton a lot, she has a really an amazing mental health story that I find really inspiring, even when I feel completely awful.
It's a hard process, and I'm just realising how big it is.
I woke up early with crazy flashbacks. So I wrote five straight A4 pages and I think that's helped.
Also, I've exercised 6 days in a row, six more than usual 🙂
Hello @Akinna,
It's definitely a long road and you can't always appreciate how far along you are until you look back. It is definitely a hard process and I really commend you for sticking with it even when it feels really heavy or is quite painful.
It seems like you've built up a good relationship with your psychologist to trust their judgement and be so vulnerable with them! I'm sure they'd appreciate your feedback about what may help you best in therapy, such as if the frequency of sessions doesn't feel right or if you need specific skills discussed in sessions.
It's fantastic to hear that you have a role model for mental health that you can draw on when you are feeling awful. What strengths do you think you can draw from Jazz Thornton?
With regards to activities you are using to express yourself and connect you back to your life, it's great to hear you've been writing and exercising! What have you learnt about yourself through doing these? 🙂
I think Jazz Thornton is amazing @Jennifer-RO
She went through severe childhood trauma. Attempted 14 times as a teenager.
She had to choose to fight. Every single day she had to make the decision to fight for her life. She put in a lot of hard work.
Now she's 26, fully recovered, and using her story to help others. She's about to release her third book, has made a film, and has a mental health charity with a friend.
She's the reason I believe recovery is possible. No one is too far gone. If she can go from so bad to so good, than surely I can as well.
Just looking at her smiling face is so comforting. She's been through so much and now loves life.
She says 'hope is real and change is possible.' And she's living proof of that.
I've always found writing good. This morning I woke up with some of the worst flashbacks I've ever had. I've been hesitant to write lately about that stuff. But this morning I needed to write, it calmed me down.
I just find journalling to be the perfect way to examine my thoughts and feelings and vent.
I'm enjoying getting back into music. I've been playing piano for over half my life. It felt like a part of me was missing when I wasn't playing anything.
And I'm trying to use music, art and exercise instead of harm.
I've never been the best at regular exercise before. But because this time my mental health is my motivation, I'm a bit more motivated so far.
It's been (bad) interesting realising how long I've had bipolar symptoms. I knew 2018 onwards def. 2017 I was struggling, but I just put it down to transitioning to high school. I periodically wrote in a diary in 2016, and I definitely had some bipolar symptoms.
I've always been 'mature for my age.' I don't remember not having stomach issues. We just always put my fatigue down to that. But maybe that was a bipolar symptom emerging?
It's interesting trying to connect the dots. But also kinda sad because I'm realising I've been struggling with this longer than I originally thought.
But it is good for stuff to make sense. And thankfully A LOT has happened this yr.
Hi Akinna,
I’m sure a lot of people will appreciate hearing about Jazz Thornton and her story as they may be finding themselves in a similar position! Thank you for sharing.
It sounds like despite going through some difficult situations in your own life you have developed an incredible level of self-awareness and you know when things become too much. This is a fantastic skill to have. Hobbies such as playing the piano, journaling, and engaging in exercise instead of using self-harm are fantastic. Your wisdom, resilience, and insight is incredible to hear about.
I hope you're having a great day.
Had a couple better days. Quite often when I think positive, I still feel depressed, guess cause of the chemical imbalance factor. But the positive thinking definitely makes it easier to cope.
But today, it's hard to control my self sabotaging tendencies and so I feel bad because if I feel depressed as a result of self sabotage or not trying harder to control my thoughts and emotions then I feel like it's my fault and therefore I don't deserve to complain or get help.
Constantly trying to figure out how to view mental illness because it is an illness that sucks but everyone has issues, lots of people have it worse than me. So I'm trying to acknowledge that this sucks, but to not get too self absorbed. Idk. It's tricky.
@Akinna I'm so glad you had a couple of better days, but feeling for you that it's tough again today.
I think it's a catch 22 sometimes because we feel bad, then we feel bad for feeling bad, and it can be a bit of a vicious cycle. For what it's worth, I don't think it's possible to will thoughts and emotions away - if people could do that, depression wouldn't be anywhere near as common as it is. It's not your fault that you have harder days - hard days are hard, and you always deserve help and an opportunity to talk about that or vent or whatever you need to do.
And we're here to listen.
A lot of people do have terrible things to deal with, but life isn't a competition and your experience and feelings are valid regardless of what other people are going through. You matter. 💛
Is there anything you could do for self care today that's kind to you?
Thanks for ur reply @Philippa-RO
I agree, it is a catch 22 situation and gets tricky and confusing
Ik life isn't a competition blah blah blah but it still doesn't change the fact that I have these thoughts. But it is true.
I try to remind myself of this stuff, but it's good to have someone else remind me cause this kinds validates that I'm reminding myself of the right stuff.
At Tafe at the moment, but hopefully will get to go home early as it's near the end of the course and not much work left. Got a hot choc before class. Can watch Netflix when I get home. I probs watch to much but it's one of the few things I still enjoy, it makes me laugh, is an escape and distraction. Also got some art projects on the go atm which r low energy and enjoyable.
Also getting some painful flashbacks again. Which ain't fun. But oh well. Self sabotaging part of me wants to make them worse. Anyways gotta love mental illness and chemically imbalanced minds.
Appreciate the support, hope everyone has a good day ❤️
Hey @Akinna
I agree, it sounds pretty tricky and confusing. You are definitely reminding yourself of the right stuff and sometimes that is called 'reality checking' which can help undo 'negative' thoughts over time. Negative thoughts (and I am being broad here) are often formed over a period of time and through a repeated pattern of thoughts or behaviour. So in a similar way, we can use reality checking to form more desirable thoughts too
It is great to hear that you have some really nice plans for self-care! Netflix can be a nice way to distract yourself and de-stress at the end of a crappy day. What type of art projects are you into at the moment?
I am sorry that you are having some painful flashbacks. How do you usually deal with these types of things when they pop up?
Hey @Taylor-RO
I'm currently working with my mum on a cross stitch for my future little cousin (my aunty is pregnant! First little cousin ☺️)
Also in the process of starting my own small business. Zentangle style beach drawings in black fineliner on a blue watercolour splash backgrounds. Gonna make cards and hopefully prints. Got hols coming up, so good to have a project.
The flashbacks... Depends on if I want to help myself or not. If i want to help myself, affirmations. If not, I leave it. If I want to sabotage, I try and make it worse.
No matter what I do I still freak out over them.
It's just as confusing feeling ok-ish as it is feeling bad. Feeling bad is awful but normal. It's hard for me to accept feeling ok-ish (by ok I mean not completely depressed and suicidal). Like I feel guilty. I have to prove I'm bad enough or I don't deserve help
Idk hard to explain everything gets confusing and tiring which i guess is where I just distract with wayyyyy too much Netflix and trying to completely detach myself emotionally from everything and dissociate.
59 days harm free but today struggling and because I'm in a confused headspace it's harder. I haven't and don't think I will, but doesn't change the fact I have urges and thoughts and kinda want to.
Currently sitting in confused/neutral/numb/mildly depressed headspace I think idk I over analyse
Urgh can maybe feel myself crashing idk probably need to go to bed soon cause I'm too tired to deal with life rn lol the mental illness life
Anyways gonna distract with cookie dough, Netflix and cross stitch because then I don't have to make choices as to help or not help, harm or not harm etc and it's probs too early to go to bed
Hey @Akinna , how are you doing? I'm sorry the flashbacks were rough last night, are you feeling any better today? It sounds like cross-stitching has been a good distraction for you. Sometimes I find it really helpful to do repetitive tasks like that when I'm having a tough time. That's so exciting that you're expecting a little baby cousin! When is your aunty due?
Also, I wanted to say a huge congratulations on 59 days without self-harming. That is an enormous achievement. I've struggled with SH myself so I know that the urges still hang around and sometimes it still crosses my mind, but once you get into a routine of using alternatives, it can definitely get easier over time. I am so stoked for you, that's really amazing.
I can definitely understand that guilty feeling when things are okay-ish. It's hard to cut yourself some slack sometimes when you know things have been much worse in the past. No matter where you're at on your mental health journey, your feelings are always valid and you're always deserving of support.
That's really exciting about your own business, too. I just had a quick Google of Zentangle and I absolutely love it. If you feel comfortable, I'd love to see your artwork sometime, so feel free to share it if that's something you're cool with!
Hey Portia_RO I’m actually feeling worse thanks. Woke up ok-ish but immediately self sabotaged.
Very confused.
Feel very trapped inside myself.
Sooooo tempted to harm idk how I haven’t.
And flashbacks stil urghhhhh. They’re always about my time in high school when I was depressed, suicidal and harming and no one noticed until I started talking and dropping some major hints in my last 2.5 terms (I spent 4.5 yrs in high school).
Like writing a story in my English exam which basically me just venting. The teacher marking it wrote ‘concerning.’ I could tell my eng teacher knew about it, and in a convo she tried to talk to me about mental health stuff. But I didn’t know how to tell her everything in that story was true (it included suicidal thoughts and harm).
I seriously considered writing a letter to one of my teachers I trusted. I tried planning it in my diary. But I couldn’t bring myself to do so.
Most of the time, no one noticed or asked if I was ok. There were just a few times when teachers did. And I didn’t know how to say no.
I would go to the toilets to cry, hide and harm. Sometimes in the middle of class. No one knew.
I felt so invisible and alone and just wanted to die.
And everyone thought I was ok because on the surface I had friends and was getting really good grades and was part of the music program. They didn’t know I was overworking myself to the point where I burnt out and made myself sick because of low-self worth and as a distraction as I tried to deny my problems.
Today, my flashbacks are mainly about how seriously I considered writing that letter and giving it to that teacher. I so wish I did. Throughout the year, I remember three times where he asked if I was ok. Each time I said yes. I wish I said no. I wish I gave him that letter saying I harm.
I feel like I’ve been through hell. I don’t need flashbacks of my time in hell.
Feel trapped, like screaming/crying/harming, confused and idk urghhhh.
Idk what to do right now. I guess that’s ok. But I hate going backwards but not going backwards feels wrong.
My aunty is due June 30, 5 days before my birthday! excited but sadly they live in qld and we live in wa.
I used to love playing piano and guitar. Last few months, couldn’t care less. I blame depression and being absolutely terrified of anything with emotions because I have not had a good experience with emotions to say the least.
So weird. Also lost all motivation for getting my drivers license.
But I am enjoying art which is nice and it’s low energy.
This is something I did in class recently. I’ve liked this style of drawing before but this task inspired me to work towards starting my own business. And got some nice feedback which is nice.
This is one of those days when time seems to be dragging and feel like I’m gonna explode and hardly bothered doing anything and suuuuper confused so yay. Maybe do some art, maybe not. Probs cross stitch. Def Netflix, rewatching Big Bang theory.
Ugh why does everything have to be so harddddddddd.
Hi @Akinna I'm sorry to hear that today has been such a hard day for you and that you're feeling worse. Feeling trapped inside yourself is such an awful feeling to sit with. I do however, want to acknowledge that even though you are tempted, the fact that you haven’t self harmed is huge! That is such an achievement in itself.
I’m also sorry to hear that you’ve been having flashbacks. I can only imagine how horrible it must be reliving your time in high school and all you had to go through. It would have been so awful going through so much and not having anyone notice, even after dropping so many hints. I just want to remind you that you are not alone and we are always here for you.
That is such exciting news about your aunty and new baby cousin! I’m sorry to hear that they live so far away though. Will you be able to go and visit them after the baby has arrived? That is so special that the baby is due around your birthday too.
Wow, what beautiful drawings! Did you do these yourself? Some days I wish I could have some sort of creative talent, but at the same time, I find that I appreciate art so much more knowing the amount of effort and skill that goes into it. Well done @Akinna this is incredible.
I love watching Netflix after a long and stressful day and you can't go past Big bang theory. How have you been enjoying cross-stitching? 💜
Thanks @Courtney-RO yes I did do them just traced outline and then did designs. Surprisingly enjoyed it.
Actually kinda enjoying cross stitch rn cause I have a reason for it (it’s for future baby cousin)
Hopefully will get to see aunty and new cousin when borders are all sorted out (I can’t even be bothered keeping track of what’s going on cause I’m in wa and its really strict).
And this week I’ve been dealing with a guy in my group at TAFE who is absolutely useless and unorganised. We’ve had this assignment 2/3 weeks, due tom, and he still hasn’t given me his part. He keeps saying he’s going to do it, but he doesn’t. And then when I contact him he’s like ‘sorry I was out for a while.’
He’s been testing my christian qualities that’s for sure. He’s like this with everyone.
Anyway it got to the point where tonight in the group chat I told him I’m too tired to keep messaging him, I’m handing it in with or without his part, I will tell the lecturer why that part is missing, and if I sound annoyed it’s because I am.
I’m normally really nice but this is getting ridiculous. So stuff him he’s being unfair and he’s messing with me during a bipolar flare up.
Ik I have bipolar. But I can’t help but wonder if my high school experience with undiagnosed bipolar could be considered ‘trauma.’ Idk how I survived. I barely did.
I mean, I get frequent distressing flashbacks. Didn’t go to my sister’s last music concert because I was scared I would be triggered.
Just a thought I’ve had for a little while
Anyways I still feel awful and very tempted and really exhausted so just gonna get ready for bed now.
Night and thanks everyone
Hey @Akinna , your drawings are fantastic! There is so much detail in them, how long do they usually take?
That's really frustrating about the guy you've been trying to work with at TAFE. Group assignments can be really frustrating if the person you're working with doesn't put in the same amount of effort as you or doesn't keep you in the loop about where they're up to. Did he end up sending through his part? Hopefully your lecturer understands - it's not like you can control whether he contributes or not!
I'm no expert but I definitely think that trying to cope with an undiagnosed mental health issue can be traumatic. It really stuck out to me that you described getting through high school as surviving, because living in survival mode for long enough can have some really deep and lasting impacts. We aren't meant to live like that, so it makes sense that it has stayed with you and continues to trigger you now. I definitely relate to that feeling - I had some very out of control OCD in high school, and feeling as though no one saw my pain has stayed with me even now that I have great support. Have you mentioned your thoughts about experiencing your undiagnosed bipolar as trauma to a psychologist or counsellor before? It sounds like you might be onto something
I'm sorry you're still feeling awful. I saw that you mentioned before that you are feeling the urge to self-harm, and that you know you probably won't, but that you don't know how you haven't as well. That sounds really tiring and confusing. If you don't mind me asking, is there anything in particular that holds you back from SH when you feel like this?
Thanks @Portia_RO
Yeah I love this type detailed stuff. Idk why. Maybe cause it's complicated like me. Haven't really taken notice of how long it takes.
The group work stuff worked out in the end. Was talking to some guys in my class and they both said he's really difficult. So not just me.
Anyway it's over now. I've just handed in my last assessment, gone to my last class, and just got home! Which is pretty cool. I did it 🙂
My classmates were pretty nice so I'll miss them. Hopefully my next class also has nice people.
Thanks for sharing ur experience, can totally relate.
2017 (yr7) was challenging, but I always put that down to transitioning to highschool. But maybe bipolar was starting to kick in. Maybe even earlier.
I wrote in a diary every now and then in yr 6. I was shocked when I read it earlier in the yr because some entries were exactly the type of stuff I have written recently. I wrote about being suicidal. I remember feeling like a burden because mum and dad had to spend money on me cause of health probs (kinda gotten over that now). But I didn't realise I sometimes was suicidal even back then. So maybe I was developing symptoms earlier than I realise.
From start 2018 to end of 2020 was my sucky painful lonely undiagnosed bipolar time at highschool. First semester this yr I was still at highschool. It was bad, but different in that people actually knew this time.
Yeah I think it makes sense it could be considered traumatic. I mean I spent that whole time fighting for my life, in so much pain, and no one noticing and being too confused myself and scared to talk about it. By the end I was just in this loop of feeling awful, being triggered by being reminded of other times I felt awful, then feel worse... And repeat.
Leaving for Tafe was one of the best choices I've made. I still struggle most days, but it's a diff chapter in that I don't hide it as much anymore, I'm diagnosed, and getting treatment. I still get flashbacks, but I'm not constantly confronted with people and places that remind me of what I went through at hs.
Haven't talked about it to psychologist yet. Always stuff to talk about. Last session I was super crappy and not in the mood to talk much.
Maybe next session. Maybe not. But I think I should because I still find just thinking about that time period really upsetting and it's gotten to the point where I couldn't go to my sister's concert.
Cried myself to sleep last night. Felt awful, but mainly cause I desperately want to harm and my head was just imagining it.
I think the main thing stopping me is my 60 day streak. Then I'll have to start again.
And ik it really upsets mum. She doesn't get upset at me. But the fact I'm hurting so much.
And summer is coming so shorts and bathers.
Listened to some music and eventually calmed a bit.
I don't think ik how to feel ok.
Feeling ok is nice, but it feels wrong so I sabotage
Feeling crap isn't fun, but it's what I'm used to.
Confusing
Anyways just gotta keep going. Somehow.
Gonna eat and chill for a little then have work.
I've survived before and will survive again. Just not fun.
Hey @Akinna congratulations on handing in your last assignment. Hopefully you are feeling a sense of relief ! Sounds like you have been on quite a big journey, and I think it is really great that you are getting support. Hopefully you are finding that things are getting easier to manage. You sound really resilient and strong and I hope you that you find that things get better soon ❤️. Do you have anything enjoyable planned for this weekend?
Hey so haven't been on here lately cause I haven't had the emotional energy but I need some advice.
My little sister has a music concert at my old highschool tonight. I'm pretty certain that if I go, it will be triggering.
I spent almost all of highschool very depressed and suicidal, so I have lots of unpleasant memories of times where I felt awful and desperately wanted someone to realise, and no one did. Memories of going to the bathroom to hide, cry and harm. When I get flashbacks it feels like these memories are torturing my brain. My chest tightens a little and I need to take deep breaths. I wouldn't say this is a frequent occurrence, but not quite rare, so more moderate. Most of the time I don't really know what has triggered me apart. Sometimes it's just a single thought about highschool, or sometims it's completely random.
This happened last night. It's already happened this morning. Right now. I want to cry and probs will as soon as I get to the bathroom at Tafe.
If I don't go, I will feel bad. I know my family will understand. But still. I can't help but feel bad
.
I need to make a decision soon though because it's tonight. I'm not going to see my parents till this evening because I have work straight after tafe.
I don't think my mum likes the idea of my staying home alone. So as I see it, these are my options...
Stay at work for a few extra hours, even if I'm not working.
My grandma is going to the concert. But she has a friend staying with her. So I could go there. If it's daylight, I could walk. But if it's dark idk if my parents would let me. So I could ask one of the chef's at work to drop me (it's really close to work). Or I could ask a family friend who's like my uncle who I also work with, but will be finished by this time, but lives near by, to drop me there.
Anyway think the best decision is to probs not go. Briefly talked to mum about it this morn, and she didn't object to me not going, just asked what I would do instead.
I just feel bad for not going.
If I'm not going, need to decide with in the next few hrs, preferably before I go to work.
Any advice/encouragement would be much appreciated!
Hi @Akinna , nice to hear from you!
I can certainly understand your reservations about going to the concert tonight. Returning to a place that reminds you of such deep unhappiness can be really painful, no matter how much time has passed. I had a really horrible time in high school as well, and for a long time I couldn't return to my home town to see my parents without feeling triggered and overwhelmed by memories and feelings I would rather forget. I'm sorry that you've experienced this too - it really is a terrible feeling.
In terms of making a decision about whether or not to go tonight, it sounds like your family is very understanding of the fact that it might be difficult for you to be there. If you need to give tonight a miss in order to look after yourself, that is completely valid and okay - sometimes you have to pick your battles. Nonetheless, I completely understand your mixed emotions and wanting to show up for your sister, too. If you were to go, what kind of things could you do to look after yourself while you're in a triggering place?
Sending you all the very best @Akinna. No matter what choice you make about going tonight, know that there is no right or wrong decision and that both options are completely okay 💜
Thanks for validating me @Portia_RO I needed that
As it turned out, my Grandma who was supposed to go the concert as well, also didn't feel up to going so I was able to crash at her place ❤️
Just complaining that this sucks, I'm confused, depressed, angry and loopy and my chest aches.
I've lost so many things in the last 24hrs, thankfully found them all. Except my mind and joy lol. Although those were lost a long time ago.
Gave my Tafe friend some real entertainment with my tired loopyness yesterday. She sent me some really nice messages after though.
Found this hilarious Instagram post that feels like I wrote it: I moved past having a depressive episode I'm actually having a depressive series haha season 8 available now.
I'm gonna say I'm having a bipolar flair up at the moment. But the last few yrs, my life has been a series of never-ending Bipolar flair ups which 99.9% of the time means full on depression.
And this current headspace includes anger/not wanting to/can't be bothered helping myself.
Took 40 mins to convince myself to get out of bed
Spent yesterday arvo hibernating in bed and hiding from the world
Now for my fav way to end a post: this sucks