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TW (Suicide, harm): Still struggling :(
If you look at my other posts you'll see I've been struggling with depression for a few years and it keeps getting worse. All I do is wait for medical treatment to help. Therapist, different medications. None of it works. I just am so over it.
I've just started seeing a psychiatrist and am a tiny hopeful he may be helpful. But I don't know if I even care anymore. I can't help but self sabotage, and my suicidal thoughts have gotten more intense (I'm safe).
I don't even know what I think, how I feel, or how I want to think or feel. I don't think I want to die, but I can't help but obsess over suicide. I just wish I could escape this. But I can't. I can't kill myself because I know it would hurt my family. Even though I don't even know what love feels like, I know my family and friends love me, and I love them. I have a younger sister with anxiety. My Dad lost his brother when they were kids and it still affects him and all his family today. Mum cried in a meeting at school with me. I couldn't do it to them. But at the same time, I just really hate living. Everything feels pointless because nothing makes me feel better. All I do is wait. Wait for something else to not help me get better. And at the same time, I kinda don't want to get better. It's very confusing and contradictory. I just feel so confused and trapped. And fed up with life in general.
I started TAFE today and in the lead up people were asking me if I was excited. I said yes. But honestly, I couldn't care less because it's just another part of life. And life feels very painful and pointless at the moment. It's just something else I have to do to try to pass time while I wait for something to help. But at the same time, I don't want stuff to help. It feels like giving up would be way quicker.
This morning my lovely boss who knows about my depression and even my recent bipolar 2 diagnosis, asked me if I was ok. I said yes. she asked if I was really ok. I said yes because that's just my standard automatic answer. But it kinda made me realise, I'm really not ok. I mean, do people who are ok obsess over ways they could kill themselves?
Anyways just venting. I have my second psychiatrist app on Thurs this week. I need to ask more q's about my bipolar 2 diagnosis because I don't really understand it. And I want to talk to him about the possibility of having borderline personality disorder. I've read some articles about it, and it feels like they were written about me.
Also, it almost feels like I need to attempt suicide to be taken seriously. My dr said he wasn't worried about my self harm because I'm not trying to kill myself. What??? Like seriously??? I'm not trying to kill myself... yet (I'm safe). Just URGHHHHHHHHHHH. The medical system really has not helped me. Part of the reason I harm is because it's the next best alternative to killing myself. I thought that once I started harming, maybe I would be taken more seriously and people would see how bad I am and I would receive treatment that actually helps. Spoiler: Hasn't happened. Maybe I am taken seriously, but stillllllllllllll. URGHHHHHHH. No treatment that works. Which makes me think there isn't treatment that will work. I try to remind myself that there's lots I haven't tried and I've just started seeing the psychiatrist but URGHHHH. I'm so fed up. And that comment from my dr really annoyed me. I mean, he's been a pretty good dr. But really? He's not worried about the fact that I purposely hurt myself, just because I'm not trying to kill myself? That's like saying he's not worried about a sprained ankle because it's not broken. If he could read my mind, he would be very worried and potentially would have sent me to hospital ages ago. Just because I'm not trying to kill myself doesn't change the fact that I'm in daily unbearable emotional pain, and would rather be dead than deal with this. Someone will probably think that was irrational sentence. Ik. But idc about being irrational. This is what happens when I self sabotage. I get angry and irrational and suicidal. And I want to cry but I'm really bad at letting myself cry. I'll just harm later instead.
This is going to sound confusing, but sometimes I get angry that I have lots of people that love me. If I didn't, I could kill myself knowing no one would care and wouldn't feel guilty. But knowing I have lots of people that love me stops me from doing so. I mean, imagine if my suicide contributed to one of them developing depression, the very thing that killed me? That would suck. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially not the people I love, even though I don't actually feel love. The way I see it, I put up with the pain of living to save them from the pain of me dying. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for all the awesome people in my life. If it wasn't for them, I probably would have attempted by now. But at the same time, if I didn't have any of them, it would be easy for me to just attempt.
I think I'm done venting for now. This sucks. Good job and thanks if u made it this far.
i feel okaish today, which is nice but confusing.
I have psychologist tom and need to talk about how i'm kinda scared of getting better. i've needed to talk about this for a while, but now really need to talk about it. because it's something i've never talked about before, i feel really vulnerable opening up about it, which is super hard for me because i find it hard to trust people after some stuff i've been through. it's easy to be open about stuff i've talked about before, but i've never talked about this so its so different.
i made pancakes for breakfast and it was yummy 🙂
i like these forums because they make me feel a bit more connected and supported, which i really need atm ❤️
Hey @Akinna, it sounds like you have had a past few 'okay' days with some nice moments sprinkled throughout. I had pancakes and bacon last weekend - was really yummy so I feel you there 😄 It is nice to hear that there are people in your life who check in with you and make you feel understood. They can make a world of difference, hey?
It is totally understandable that you are struggling to open up about being scared of getting better. Being vulnerable is really hard. How do you think you will go with bringing it up tomorrow? Do you think there'll be anything that will help? I know that I used to wait for a good time to bring something up but now I just insert it into the conversation even if feels a bit awkward or unrelated which I think is totally ok! Remember that it is your session ❤️
Still crying@Taylor-RO
this is just so much and it's completely overwhelming and unbearable and I feel so trapped and hopeless and I'm just hurting so much
im trying to fall asleep
i kinda wanna ring helpline but at the same time my fam would probably hear and come into my room and I just want to be alone and cry because I hate crying around other people I only let myself cry around my parents when I'm desperate. And I've being around people all day and need a break. But maybe if I'm still awake after they all go to bed and I can't fall asleep I'll ring
this is awful. Awful doesn't even being to describe it. Don't think there are any words that can
I woke up at like 2:30am to go to the toilet (it's now 3:15am) and decided to ring kids helpline.
idk, I was a little disappointed with the service. Idk if the guy was less experienced or what. But the lady I've spoken to twice before was way better. Like she gave me standard information about the helpline at the start and end. And like she asked me standard questions like my name, have I ever called before at the start. And she would ask me questions and have a little advice. Whereas I did most of the talking today. While he was symoathetic, he didn't seem overly interested. And he seemed to kinda be in a rush. I mean, I feel really crappy. And I know the calls can last up to 50 minutes. But he was ready to get off after 25 minutes when I said I didn't know if I had anything else to talk about. Whereas the other lady took up the whole 50 minutes and was definitely more helpful. And when I asked this guy for his name at the end of the call, he didn't even give it to me and was just like 'oh I only work late.'
i mean it was good to talk, but it really wasn't helpful. But at the same time I'm glad I gave it a shot and I would have regretted not ringing. So if anyone is considering ringing a helpline, just try it. Because the other two times I've rung it was way better. And I'm in the situation that there's not really much anyone can do except support me while I survive until the medication works.
Out of interest, I looked up side effects for my medication. And I wasn't surprised at all to see fatigue on there. I've always had problems with feeling tired, but it's been so much worse lately. It's been so extreme I constantly feel drained, even though I get a decent amount of sleep. I spend all my spare time either in bed or on the couch watching Netflix because I don't have the energy to do anything else. I feel like everything has flared up here last few weeks.
when I mentioned fatigue to my psychiatrist the other day, he did ask a few questions about it, which made me think there was a reason for asking those questions. But I think I might have unintentionally downplayed it. I said I'm always tired so it's hard to tell, but I think it's worse.
I think I might have accidentally downplayed how bad I am. I did say I'm still feeling bad still, and he responded by increasing my medication. But I didn't say I've been feeling worse these last two or so weeks.
I think my next appointment is like in six weeks so if this stuff is still bad I will need to talk about it. And I have the psychologist on Monday and last appointment she said if this time I was still bad she would get in contact with my psychiatrist. So it's good she's being proactive,
idk anymore. I'm back at the stage where idk how to get through each day. I still don't look forward to anything instead I dread waking up. I get so overwhelmed so easily because I feel so awful and exhausted so the thought of trying to get through the day is overwhelming. So I force myself to focus on each moment at a time otherwise I feel even more like I'm on the verge of a meltdown. Although I feel like I live on the verge of a meltdown.
so yeah I feel like crap. Thought i would add this on so when people reply in the morning they don't have to ask if I rang the helpline.
Hopefully I can fall asleep again. I was kinda disappointed with the helpline today, these forums are even more helpful than that call.
just in bed watching netflix letting my thoughts kinda spiral but oh well im surviving
Netflix sounds good! Sometimes it is hard to not let your thoughts spiral hey? I am glad that it feels like you are still managing though. I am wondering if you ever talk to a helpline when you are feeling this way?
i could, but i only really like talking to the helpline when i'm alone and have privacy. but at home my family is around and i don't want them to really overhear.
I'm glad to hear you're safe, but I also completely understand how 'safe' can be well idk. It doesn't mean you are okay is what i guess I'm trying to say. I think Netflix and resting sounds like a good idea for now. What sort of things are you watching on Netflix?
yeah u can be 'safe' but still in unbearable pain.
i love comedies. i've just finished watching the big bang theory for the first time (loved it, can highly recommend) and am starting to rewatch friends.
urgh so here's how it's going
i'm finally on the full dosage of my bipolar meds which i was at one stage excited about. i've even had some good days where i've felt normal. my psychiatrist said to expect a mix of good and bad days, and eventually there will be more good days than bad.
i had some good days, now i've crashed again.
my brain is both irrational and rational at the same time. i know this will pass and i just have to ride out the bad days. but that doesn't change the fact that this pain i'm in is really real and it hurts like hell. the best way to describe myself right now is a complete bipolar mess. i think i'm experiencing both hypomania and depression. i'm apathetic, depressed, miserable, suicidal thoughts and fatigued. but at the same time i'm angry, grumpy and irritable. i have the energy to act on my self harm urges
i guess this is the part where i should say i'm safe. i honestly don't know what that means anymore.
with the suicidal thoughts... i've spent a lot of time in so much pain but i don't want to hurt my family. also, the rational part of me knows that this will pass. but at the same time i'm angry and i want to be angry and kinda wanna try something drastic to get people to notice idk this probably sounds attention seeking. people know i'm struggling. i have lots of caring and supportive people in my life. but it's so hard to explain what's going on inside of me. and at the same time, even though i need to, i don't want to because i don't want them to worry.
so instead i just harm. and it's been getting worse lately as i've been using more methods than i used to. a week ago i was feeling better and trying to stop. but now i'm back to being overwhelmed by all my urges and wanting to act on them and not caring about the fact that there are alternatives because i want to act on my urges. i know literally anyone i talk to would tell me not to harm. but i don't care. i want to act on my urges.
i actually called kidshelpline today for the first time. they were nice. getting validation and being able to vent was good, but at the same time i learnt a while ago that no one has new advice for me until my meds have kicked in. and this phone call wasn't any different. but i'm still glad i did. and i left a class to do it so it opened up a conversation with that lecturer.
i'm like torn in two and confused. on one side i want, i need lots of support. but at the same time im so used to dissociating, being in denial, faking it and pushing through on myself, and i don't want pepole to worry about me.
it's been a long day
i know i'm being irrational. but when i'm in this headspace, i don't care. i'm just angry and want to act on my thoughts, even though i know their irrational, but i don't care and i just want this whole situation to disappear. i know i can make the choice to try and think positive etc etc but that's so complicated because i have the tendency to self sabotage, to prove i'm bad to feel like i deserve help, it's mixed up with my identity and outside of my comfort zone. that's a whole other story and in the headspace it's too much effort and i'm too angry to try and chose to help myself. which is where i just want to give into my urges. but i know i can't give into my suicidal thoughts but that doesn't change the fact that a little part of me wants to.
i don't want people to worry about me but at the same time there are probably reasons for people to worry about me so who knows
if ur worried about me being safe, i'm just at home with my fam tonight. yeah i'm overwhelmed by my thoughts and urges. yes i will harm. no i won't act on my suicidal thoughts, even though a part of me wants to.
yeah this sucks
Hi @Akinna ,
Thank you for sharing that and baring your soul to us tonight. It sounds like you are really caught in a tornado of conflicting action and emotion. I want to compliment you on your clarity and understanding of your emotional space, why you may be actioning your thoughts of SH and how patterns and emotions are influencing this.
I really think you hit the nail in the head when you wrote, “i know i can make the choice to try and think positive etc etc but that's so complicated because i have the tendency to self sabotage, to prove i'm bad to feel like i deserve help, it's mixed up with my identity and outside of my comfort zone”
When we get caught in patterns of hurting/hating ourselves, being miserable, being angry and bottling up things for so long. Often, when we take positive step or want to change our thinking, it is absolutely outside our comfort zone. Our comfort zone is/was that painful existence.
You mention not hearing advice that has been helpful before, I feel that is because you already have such a comprehensive understanding of your own feelings already, that anyone else's perspective can pale in comparison.
However, if I was to make an observation, I would say that, you are struggling to reach out for support, for three potential reasons:
One, this would take you outside of your comfort zone, place too many eyes on your personal space that you use to deal with your emotions.
Two, you’re scared that if you reach out and try everything, that it won’t stop the discomfort, that it will return one day, and it will feel like all the effort is for nothing.
Three, anger can often be a more motivating and captivating emotion than despair (or other emotions), it can help distract us from the other more conflicting or confusing emotions that can surround us.
Am I on the right track?
Well, those things are in some way all true. Changing how we think about things is hard work, things will be uncomfortable in the future and we will always seek to distract ourselves from pain and discomfort.
But I feel like you are making change by trying new things, by reaching out for more supports such as kidshelpline, by posting here today, and by trying to analyse your situation and figure out how you think and feel about things.
As you said at the beginning, medication and treatment is a series of peaks and valleys, and it sounds like you are in a valley at the moment.
What can you do to help yourself through this valley?
Have you been able to talk to your support team about your SH and come up with a safety plan?
Sometimes have an already defined safety plan can help us in the moment, as opposed to having to approach it differently every time.
I will be reaching out to you via email shortly to see how we can support you further through this.
i'd say ur reply is pretty accurate.
i def agree with point two about why i self sabotage. it's happened so many times that i've tried something and it failed to help. like different medications. seeing a psychologist. now i understand there were reasons this stuff hasn't helped yet, wrong diagnosis etc etc. but it doesn't give me much confidence. and trying and failing is worse than never trying. it makes me feel even more hopeless and helpless. my perspective is slowly changing as i realise i had the wrong diagnosis and wrong meds. but it's so hard.
it feels like i'm addicted to this and i don't know why.
also point one is pretty good. i find it hard to trust people and be vulnerable. i like to be strong.
thanks for ur email, i'm about to look at it
Hi @Akinna ,
You're absolutely right it is very very hard. We are often told this idea that psychology and medicine are these definite things that can cure us right away. But the reality, is that it is often trial and error. Multiple failures before one success. I often think the hardest part of the process, is the constant gain and loss of hope. Feeling like this time, things will be fixed.
However, I feel like you know that, like you said, "my perspective is slowly changing as i realise i had the wrong diagnosis and wrong meds." The process is very gradual, but it is moving forward.
I won't get into specifics, however SH is an addictive process. You're right. Any action that provides us with a quick release, is easily formed into a desirable and repeatable process. The same as drugs, alcohol, food, love and even over-exercising. Alot of changing the process with SH can be finding alternatives that may not provide you with the exact process you want, but can provide you with a similar safer release.
These things can be such things as, taking a really cold shower, placing your hands in an ice bath, snapping your wrist with an elastic band, having a big cry (if this works for you) or doing vigorous cardio exercises. These processes activate similar areas in our brain which can imitate SH and thus provide you with a release within a safe manner.
Hey @Akinna, I don't even have any words apart from thankyou. What you have shared is so goddam relatable and I just wanted to thank you for sharing it all. I don't know what to say or even where I'd start but thankyou. It sounds like there has been a lot going on for you lately. How are you feeling today? 💜
Thanks for your reply and checking in @MB95 it means a lot (warning: this got unintentionally long and turned into a long vent so no pressure to read it all).
Urgh it sucks that other people can relate, but t the same time is good because it makes everyone feel a little less alone. I worry about venting too much on here because I hate being a burden and having other people worry about me but at the same time I think it’s important to share because it might help someone else. Also I need help.
I’m hurting a lot but hanging in there. I don’t even know how anymore. I do not know how I survived yesterday. I spent the whole day waiting to go home, go to bed and cry myself to sleep. I can literally only focus on one thing at a time. It takes effort to distract myself, but is worth it. Like yesterday I forced myself to go to TAFE and work. It was so hard, but gave me something to do and slightly distracted me. I mean, I can only spend so much time in bed watching netflix (I’ll finish my show too soon lol). And today I was in a band festival with my old high school, which was actually kinda fun.
It’s so confusing. I hate this pain, but I can’t help but self sabotage. Whether I chose to self sabotage or help myself, I feel like I’ve made the wrong decision and I doubt myself and feel bad and hurt and am just all round confused.
I’m trapped and confused. My suicidal thoughts are intense and constant, but I would never act on them because I don’t want to hurt my family. But at the same time it’s so hard to imagine this getting better. Add self sabotaging, sh, and automatically angrily not wanting to help myself because I’m confused/feel like I don’t deserve it/am scared/don’t know who I am/feel like people worn’t care about me as much I’m ok and I’ll go back to feeling invisible… And it is so so so confusing. I spend so much time feeling like I’m gong to explode and my head hurting from everything just going on inside it.
I recently emailed one of my TAFE lecturers updating him on my mental health, outlining my situation, stating that I don’t need any help now but I was letting him know incase I ever do. And his reply was so nice. Then I briefly saw him the next day and he seemed to genuinely care about me.
I’m so used to feeling invisible. I’ve always found it so hard to fit in with people my age as I’ve always felt and acted more mature. In the past I’ve even had people who I trusted and considered close friends (probably unintentionally) ignore and hurt me, affecting me way more than they’ll probably every realise.
But when people know I’m not ok, they take notice of me. They care. They help me.
And I guess I’m scared that if I”m better I’ll go back to feeling invisible and alone.
My psychologist says I have a self worth issues, she’s probably right. When people know I’m not ok, they encourage/commend me, which validates my self worth? It validates my suffering and because I’m still going it means I’m strong and I’m doing a good job? Idk, I don’t expect whoever is reading this to reply to every aspect of what I’m writing. I’m just trynna come up with ideas to try to make some sense outta this.
Like yesterday I told one of my co-workers who knows a bit about my issues I was struggling and was at work to distract myself. She said ‘well you’re always welcome to do that here because you working here is fabulous.’ Then when she was making a cake with biscuits she just handed me one to eat. It was so nice. It made me feel loved and valued.
Again I guess I’m scared that no one will care about me or treat me nicely if I’m not struggling, which are things I might base my self worth on.
Anyway I do A LOT of journalling, venting and trying to figure out what’s going on in my crazy brain and this is some stuff I just came up with earlier today. Again, don’t expect anyone to reply to every aspect of what I’m writing, just venting and seeing if anyone has any ideas/advice.
Another thing I’m kinda embarrassed about and have never told anyone about because it seems weird…
As long as I can remember (haven’t done it much in the last few yrs because I’ve realised it’s weird and probably not helpful), when I was lying in bed waiting to fall asleep, I would create al these imaginary situations in my head where I was sick or disabled etc and I got sympathy and love and attention. And I enjoyed imagining this and looked forward to it. I now realise it sounds really awful and maybe even selfish.
But as I’m trying to figure myself out, I’m wondering if this shows that I connect suffering with being shown love? And therefore my self-sabotaging kinda makes sense?
Idk.
I have psychologist on Wednesday. I have so much to talk about, but it’s so hard. I don’t even know where to start, there’s just an overwhelming amount of stuff to talk about and it’s all important and interconnected. I’ve thought about writing it down but I’m scared of even doing just that. She’s nice. But almost all the stuff I’ve types in this post, have never talked to her about. So hard for me to trust people. It’s just hard to physically talk about this stuff and be vulnerable. Like I get anxious whenever someone is looking at my work with the potential for them to criticise me. I think I’m scared she’ll think I’m wrong and stupid and weird.
And just to make it worse, my apps are like 3 or 4 weeks apart. I feel like I need way more apps than that, but she’s busy. And that just puts more pressure on me to talk during the session, which makes me feel more anxious.
Thinking I might try ringing a helpline the day before to talk about trying to talk to her.
Ok sorry this was going to be a short reply but turned into a long vent and sharing theories about my weird brain that I’ve come up with. Is there a word limit for these posts? Cause if there is I’ll probably reach it one day lol. Anyway time to say goodnight (although it’s past midnight now) and to continue relying on my survival techniques of dissociating and distracting myself from the pain of being alive by listening to the Big Bang theory while I fall asleep.
Night everyone 💗
Ahahaha okay, I laughed at you asking if there is a word limit because @Lost_Space_Explorer5 and I can both definitely vouch for that. Yes, yes there is ahahaha I have reached it a few times by accident.. it's 10,000 incase you're wondering ahahaha 😂😂😂 So just needed to share that first!
Second, I just wanna let you know I didn't heart your post cause of what you're going through. I just felt the need to heart it because you write so beautifully and it was just so relatable and yeah anyway I will try get to the point now before I reach 10,000 words..
It sounds like you are so self aware which is awesome in one respect because you've got the insight to work with but also can be so damaging at the same time because its almost like you know what's going on and quite possibly why but you can't seem to do anything about it? And that is one fucking hard place to be. So I do really feel for you. 💙
The hurt and confusion you're feeling is definitely shining through in your post and I'm sorry you're stuck in this place. You have such a way with words and its beautiful but also so relatable it makes me hurt for you. It sounds like you really are stuck in a world of pain and not quite sure where to go. Sadly I can really relate to the self sabotage and the not wanting any help out of anger because you don't feel deserving. Man I can relate to that all too well. And it fucking sucks hey? Feeling invisible is also not a nice thing to be sitting with because like you mentioned, it really makes you question reaching out because it feels like no one cares or ever will. I'm sorry you're experiencing all of this.
As frustrating as it can be, I do think it's great you have your family as a protective factor. And it sounds like you have some supportive people around you too which is amazing to hear. Like your workmate and lecturer? In no way does that make it easier or take away the pain but honestly, if I can give you any advice from my own fuck up of a life it is to not let that go. Don't push it away. Where you can, try and keep those supports in place because I can guarantee you it is not a nice place to be when you have no one around. Reach out to them where you can because it can make a world of difference just knowing someone is there. It doesn't change what you're going through, but it's just comforting to know they are there if you need them. And I do encourage you to use them if you can. Don't be like me.
I can appreciate the difficulties you have with trusting people and why you might not be comfortable sharing everything with your psych or even know how too. Its hard and relationships with psychs are weird and strange and confusing in themselves so it doesn't make the process easy. Again, if I can give any advice from my mess of a life its to try your best to be open with her. If you feel comfortable with her and like she is the right fit for you then try to let yourself be vulnerable, as scary as that is. Try not to worry about what she will think and allow yourself to put yourself first during those sessions because she is there to help you, not the other way around. I used to do the same thing when I was seeing my psych so I do understand how hard that can be but trust me when I say that worrying about her is not going to get you anywhere. You need to try and be selfish during your sessions if you can. It sounds like you know what sorts of things you want to be talking to her about but just unsure of how to open the conversations? And I think your idea of writing things down is awesome. I know for myself, and others on here, writing things down has worked wonders. Even if it's just dot points, it can help to give your psych something to work with. Let them do all the hard work of trying to get to what it is you want to talk about with each dot point if you can't write it all out. That's their job. I was wondering, I had it suggested to me a good while ago by one of the staff, but would you maybe feel comfortable printing off this post and giving it to your psych? Cause I am very much the same. I keep, or used to keep cause I don't have a psych anymore, but I used to keep everything from her and only let little bits and pieces out and man did I make her work for it lol But anyway, I never followed through on that suggestion because the idea of my psych seeing what I write on here freaked me the hell out cause it's the one place I feel safe being myself and I was so scared to show her this part of me because of what she might think or say or even do (when I'm really unwell). But honestly, looking back i think maybe it would have helped for her to see. Its a lot easier to be vulnerable on here because people don't know us so I always find I'm sharing things I never would dream of sharing in real life. But I'm rambling here now sorry (just trying reach the 10,000 ahaha) I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe have a think about printing off this post and sharing it with her? I know what sounds hella fucking scary but it saves you having to write things out all over again and also let's her see you, rather than the modified version of you that you'd probably share when writing to her because you're worried about what she might think? Idk. Just a suggestion. Totally get it if you don't want to because i didn't lol But just thought I'd pass on that bit of advice.
I will read and reply to your latest post shortly. Thinking of you 💙
Hello @Akinna , there definitely is something good about being able to relate to others in some really tough moments of our lives ❤️. I am glad to hear that this helps you feel a bit less alone. It seems like there has been a lot going on for you lately and that things have been intense. You mentioned having intesne suicidal thoughts and thoughts of SH. Is this something you have been able to work on managing with your your psych? Are there any strategies that you have been using to manage these thoughts so far?
I think it was really great of you to reach out to your lecturer for support and be open about what you are currently going through. It's awesome that you are able to reach out to him in the future if you feel like you need some more support with your course.
You mentioned that your psychologist spoke of self-worth issues, what are your thoughts on this? Is this something you have been working on with them? I understand how you are feeling like you want to see your psychologist a bit more regularly as there is a lot that you would like to discuss with them. That sounds qute tricky as you mentioned that they are busy. Is this something you think would be helpful discussing with them again in case they might be able to make some changes?
and i tend to be a perfectionist, really harsh and critical on myself, so i really mentally beat myself up for not being able to deal with this better. and i feel guilty that i self sabotage but at the same time feel like i deserve it. which makes it harder to ask for help.
i guess where it's good to talk to someone, like ringing the helpline of coming onto the forum because they validate that i'm going through a hard time and i'm doing better than i think.
but then realising i'm going through a hard time is depressing and makes me feel angry and hopeless.
so then i try to deny the fact that i'm going through a hard time, but then i criticise myself for not doing better.
it's complicated and i guess i need to accept the fact that this is hard, i need help, i should be more sympathetic and kind to myself.
but there's so much going on inside of me and it's all messy, interconnected, and it's hard to know what to do when there is so much overwhelming you at once.
Hi Akinna,
Yes, shame, guilt, expectation, perfectionism and even...pride, can often being tied up into a vicarious cycle.
I think your instincts are spot on, calling someone, getting that validation, re-affirming the self that you are doing a good job.
Totally, you summed it up perfectly, "it's complicated and i guess i need to accept the fact that this is hard, i need help, i should be more sympathetic and kind to myself."
Re-evaluating our expectations of ourselves, who we are versus who we think we should be, takes time. Eventually you will get closer towards an equilibrium of acceptance and understanding of oneself.
Trust me 😁
need to vent
time to cry myself to sleep. Just have to do it quietly so my fam doesn't hear.
(I'm safe btw)
Aw @Akinna its the worst when you feel trapped and sick of everything. You said you feel like screaming at the top of your lungs, have you ever tried screaming into a pillow when you feel that way? It can be a really satisfying way to express yourself when you're feeling a lot.
It sounds like even though you feel trapped, you also know how loved you are and that is a really good reason to stick around when life is hard. I know it doesn't take away the pain you're feeling right now though and that must be really hard to sit with.
You mentioned that it would be hard to tell your parents how you feel - and I totally get what you mean. Sometimes it's so hard to pin-point what you're feeling and find words to express it. Do you think starting small would make it easier?
You don't need to tell your parents everything you're feeling but maybe letting them know that you are struggling in general could help you feel supported. We actually have an article on how to talk to your parents about your wellbeing, give it a read if you feel up to it. Opening up to the people that love you can be such a relief when you've been struggling in silence.
Here is also a good break down of how to talk to someone you trust:
It sounds like you're doing a lot to look after your mental health, it's hard waiting to see results but for now I hope you can feel some pride in yourself that you have taken action.
Thanks for ur reply @Bre-RO . And @Emily-RO I've managed to break stuff down and actually do some stuff instead of just staying in bed.
I'm actually feeling a bit lighter today, which is nice and a relief. It's nice when my default thoughts aren't suicidal. And I'm playing a slightly more upbeat playlist.
But at the same time I'm so conflicted and confused because this is weird and strange and scary and whenever I feel okaish I also feel guilty like I'm not supposed to feel like this, I'm not allowed to, I don't deserve to. It's so confusing. I hate feeling crappy. But I can't help but self sabotage. Like I was at the naturopath yesterday and she was suggesting things I could take to help, and my first reaction thoughts were, 'no, I don't want that, that will help me feel better and that's not me I'm used to feeling like this and I'm scared of this.' maybe I think I won't be as loved. Or I have to prove I'm not ok to get help.
And yesterday, my default thoughts weren't suicidal when I woke up. So my automatic reaction was to make them because I'm so used to that and anything else feels weird and strange and kinda wrong. I've managed to do myself doing this today.
As you can see, I'm very conflicted and confused. It's so hard to explain what's going on in my head, and my psychologist appointments r so far apart.
I actually did manage to have some conversations with mum yesterday. It was good to explain stuff to get a bit more, and get it off my chest. It reminded me I'm not alone. But it also upset me because it reminded me how my pain hurts them.
When talking about suicidal thoughts she said, 'it would destroy us. I would never get over it. I would want to die.'
I've tried adding a spoiler but it's hard to see on my phone if it's worked