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TW it's all too much

Firstly, I'm safe.

But there's a lot going on.

Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if no one can be bothered even reading through this.

But I need to get it all out.




My chest. I fucking hate it. I can't even wear a bra and breath, so binding is out of the question for me. It's too hot to wear my normal three or four layers of shirts, so I'm really struggling with it. Top surgery won't be possible until I'm stable enough to deal with the whole recovery process but I just want it gone. 

Just... yuck. 


No reliable/ stable support network.

I need one so bad... Idk how to get around this. Idk what to do. I tried to get one before things got worse but everyone pushed me back. 


Hallucinations/ psychosis.

They're coming back. Lucky me. 

I get to practice first aid on non-existent injuries, hide from non-existent people, and argue with voices that simultaneously come from nowhere and everywhere.



Nothing new there. It's shit.



It's getting worse. Again. Had a panic attack this morning, didn't enjoy it.



Honestly there's just too much to even write down. The hallucinations are causing flashbacks. Memories are causing flashbacks. My mind always wanders back. Urgh it's shit.



Honestly I would be coping with it okay if there wasn't so much other stuff going on. Like, I'll always miss my nana. But I feel like I would have been able to cope in a healthy way if I could just.. focus on it for a bit. 

But nope I went straight from hospital to her funeral and back again.

I need space and time but I can't get that and it's just horrible. 


FND and chronic pain.

Seizures, tremors, random pains and cramps. My legs randomly deciding not to work. Not knowing if a joint's out of place or just randomly sore.


Suicidal thoughts.

Because why fucking not. It's hard to see the point of living when you always feel like crap.


Constant exhaustion.

(thanks depression) I'm just so tired of everything. 


Boredom/ restlessness. 

My brain just... needs something to do. Constantly. And I don't always have the energy. 


Family conflict.

It's just... they keep screaming at each other. I need somewhere quiet and calm but there's just so much emotion and noise it's just so overwhelming and horrible...


It's just too much I hate it I need help but there is none


Re: TW it's all to much

@Tiny_leaf  it is not so much to read when it is broken up but then again maybe I am just used to reading dense 50pg journal articles for uni that I have no perspective on how much reading is too much. Anyway I am not a doctor at all but I just wanted to mention that there are a few auto immune disorders that can cause a lot of the physical and mental health symptoms you describe. So if you haven’t looked into auto immune issues and you felt like you wanted too it might be good to rule it out. I am mentioning this because some of these can be mistaken for mental health conditions and other issues because they often require special tests and get missed also I have heard and read in a number of places that visual hallucinations are more often physical issues where audio hallucinations are more often psychological. Either way it is just a thought. 


As for a support system what kind of support system are you looking for? Do you mean professional supports or social as in family/friends? Or both? There are sometimes community organizations that hold social events for people with all sorts of disabilities/mental health issues and perhaps that may be an option for a more social support... sorry if my suggestions have been terrible feel free to vent on here as much as you need.


Re: TW it's all to much

Hi @Tiny_leaf , 


Thanks so much for taking the time to update us on everything that's going on for you, and thank you for confirming your safety. I hope it helped a bit to get it all out - we all care about you here, and hope we can support you as much as possible. 


It sounds like you are carrying a heavy load at the moment - I'm sorry to hear that your dysphoria is so distressing at the moment, and that you're experiencing hallucinations and psychosis again. To share a bit of personal experience, I have also experienced a chronic pain disorder, and it would often flare up when I was unwell or stressed - thankfully I have now fully recovered but I really feel for you. It can be a long road, but there is hope. 


It can often seem like there is a bit of a snowball effect when we're under stress - dealing with the grief of losing your Nana is also a lot to add to your plate. I hope you can be gentle with yourself, you are dealing with so much, and you give so much wonderful support to the community here too. You show so much insight, kindness and generosity in how much you're willing to share with the community members here - I hope that you're also able to take some support back from the community when you need it. 


I hear your frustration about how difficult it can be to find the right help and support services - I'm wondering if you can share what services you have found the most helpful in the past? I know that more healthcare professionals are starting to offer telehealth services or eHealth, so that psychologists/ psychiatrists can offer help to people who may be a long way away. Do you think that this is something that you could be interested in? 


We are all here for you. 





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Re: TW it's all too much

@Eden1717 yeah I've had auto immune disorders ruled out after a truckload of blood tests.

The physical pain at least is from hypermobility and functional neurological disorder.

Turns out that my immune system is actually slightly under-active..


A mix of blood tests, EEGs and MRIs have ruled out any physical causes in terms of hallucinations. I always seem to have slightly atypical symptoms of any condition I have, I confuse a lot of professionals. 

I also always seem to have a few symptoms of everything Smiley Frustrated


As far as supports...

Honestly I think I just need someone I can rely on for something, if that makes sense.

Like I can occasionally get once-off support but there's no stability and chances are still that I have to cope with everything alone.


(ah I just noticed a grammar error in my title I've gotta chance that now...)


Re: TW it's all too much

@Tiny_leaf  it totally makes sense that you want some support that also offers consistency, stability and a long term plan - in an ideal world, I think that's what you should be getting, and I'm sorry that you've had a bad time with finding different supports. I hope that the community here can be a place that helps to support you while you seek out those supports in "real life" - we are all here for you and want to help any way that we can. 


Lol I love how you went back and corrected your own grammar - I always get so mad at myself when I misuse an apostrophe or make a spelling mistake and need to go back and correct it too. Grammar nerds unite Smiley Wink 


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Re: TW it's all too much

@Tiny_leaf  I meant other types of tests but they are expensive and can be intense the types I am thinking of so if you are confident then no need to think more about it. Anyway when you say someone to reply on do you mean for regular contact or like someone you can contact any time you need? If I remember you have been having trouble finding a psychologist? 


Re: TW it's all too much

@Janine-RO not many have even wanted to help me..

My school psychologist was helpful, but then.. she went on leave after a death in her family, and ever since she hasn't been as understanding or gentle, and because she's an overworked school psychologist it's not unusual for her to have to cancel an appointment.

I thought headspace would help but then they said they wouldn't. Smiley Sad

Most services just make things worse for me. They just.. don't care..


I can't do telehealth... between auditory processing issues and anxiety I just can't, and almost no one offers text based services.


I eventually got dad to email a local therapist who seemed like the least likely to cause any more issues, but she hasn't bothered responding to the email.

I have no idea why everyone on the forums is so nice about me. No one in real life seems to think I deserve support. No one cares. 


Re: TW it's all too much

@Eden1717 Regular contact. And I nearly found one but I don't think I'll be able to get an appointment with her after all.

I shouldn't have got my hopes up. 


Re: TW it's all too much

@Tiny_leaf  It sounds to me like (and please correct me if I am wrong) that what you are wanting is a professional you can talk to regularly who is willing to take things at your pace, who is validating and takes you seriously but also trusts that what you are telling them is what is going on for you. Who is soft in their approach and willing to listen and work on more than one issue. Someone who is willing to think outside the box a little with their approach to problem solving and also able to accommodate physical issues. Maybe someone who is very open and nonjudgmental and someone who is willing to work with you long term and not give up when things get hard. Is this the sort of thing you are looking for? I may be completely off so feel free to say so if that is the case. 


It seems like you are feeling like the professionals you have seen have been dismissive of your concerns and perhaps taking the wrong approach to how they work with you. Is that correct? 


It is hard because I want to say that I have confidence that you will find the right person and I truly hope that you do but my own experience has been that for complex issues it is very difficult to find a good psychologist or any mental health professional for that matter. People tend to get frustrated when things don’t work or you aren’t getting better after a few weeks. Personally cognitive behavioral therapy does not work at all for me not even a little and other therapies only work sometimes and only a little and once a psychologist hears how many different things I have tried and how none of them have worked they tend to say they are not the right fit or they don’t believe me and insist on trying them again then it doesn’t work and they blame me for not trying hard enough. 


I don’t mean to sound like there is no hope but I also don’t want to make it sound like finding help is easy and always possible to find good help for each individual when I know for some people who don’t fit into the standard box it can be really really hard. I do hope you find someone good and you do deserve to have good supports but I know it must be very frustrating and exhausting have to chase after it all the time. 


Re: TW it's all too much

Hey @Tiny_leaf 


I'm hearing that you're feeling a massive disconnect between the support/recognition you get here on the forums vs what you're experiencing in "real life". I can imagine that would be confusing and maybe even make it hard to take the support on board, when the other social responses you're getting aren't what you need. Correct me if I'm wrong Smiley Happy 


There are so many factors to getting the right help and it's not fair that it's been so hard for you. In saying that, this is why online communities like ours can be so helpful in carrying you through the times when you're falling through the gaps. 


People see you in such a positive light here for so many reasons, but tot list a few. 

  • You are so generous with your time and energy. You give so much to people, even when you're not feeling your best. 
  • You are so wise and intelligent. The perspectives you give others are absolute game changers. 
  • You role model resilience, resourcefulness and perseverance. 
  • You are actively supporting yourself through the challenges you face and so many people admire you for that. I am one of them. 

It's for all those reasons that I feel hopeful about your future. Those are the building blocks of recovery and you have them. 


We will be here for you when others aren't and we'll be celebrating with you when the right supports come to the party.