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Treating her bad cause of my personal problems

I'm a 19yr transman and all my personal issues are resulting in to me treating my partner like crap, trying to control her keeping her from the world because I don't want her to have anything to do with half the population in the world men, men born in a body of a man anyways weather its males she works with, old friends, sometime I get that bad I get jealous over the fellas in the shows and movies we watch and it all comes back to me never being able to be that, never being able to make love to her as a man and woman should and I'm scared that one day a real man will walk into her life and she will realize I was and can never be her man like he can. I have full support all around me I am lucky as when it comes to that the only person that doesn't accept me is me. The last 12 months I have gone on a downward spiral mentally self harming thinking all the stuff that kills me inside, calling myself stuff that I know will hurt till the point the only way I can stop thinking is to self harm physically. I'm sleeping all day or just laying in bed not wanting to do anything and all of this effects my partner she goes to work to support both of us and I can't even put some washing on so we have clean clothes I'm not lazy I just don't care anymore . She feels shit cause she doesn't know how to help but I don't think she can I don't think anything can I just need to accept I'll never be a biological male. I just want to feel peace I'm over the anger, jealousy and sadness I just want peace for both of us , iv been with her since I was 15 never have I ever wanted to hurt her but all I seem to do now is hold her back or bring her down . I just want to be someone else

Re: Treating her bad cause of my personal problems

Hi @Tommy-420, thank you for sharing and being so honest. I'm sorry to see that things have been so difficult for you. I can see that you are really struggling with self-acceptance and that you're scared of losing your girlfriend because she means so much to you. It sounds like the fear of losing her or not being good enough for her is pushing her away and that must be terrifying. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this? Family, friends, a counsellor? I'm going to tag some of our users so that they can introduce themselves and share some of their thoughts. I'm glad that you've reached out to us. This is a safe space for you to share how you're feeling. There are lots of great people here to support you! @DruidChild @scared01 @annabethxchase @mrmusic @redhead

Re: Treating her bad cause of my personal problems

Thanks @TOM-RO for reading, I have an awesome group of friends and family I just can't bring myself to talk to anyone about these problems, I just act like I'm doing great so no one has to worry, everyone has there own problems to be sorting out, my partner is the only one I have ever discussed all this negative going on but the only time I can seem to do this is when it all gets to much and blow up and I get that frustrated trying to explain what's going on to her I do stupid crap like pushing. Thanks for your support.

 

Re: Treating her bad cause of my personal problems

That is awesome to hear that you have some great friends and family. It sucks that you feel unable to talk to them about what is going on for you. It sounds like you need extra support right now and if you do reach out to family/friends, they can establish boundaries with you to avoid worrying about you as you have mentioned. I am wondering if you have ever spoken to a counselor or psychologist? It sounds like the issues you are experiencing are taking a toll on your relationship and your own health. Understandably, friends and family can only provide a certain level of support and many of our issues need professional advice. We have services like QLife and eheadspace that might be a great place for you to start to chat about these things Heart

Re: Treating her bad cause of my personal problems

No I haven't I find it very hard to speak about my issues, it's alot easy to write I found. Thanks @Taylor-RO for your advise, I will check them out. 

Re: Treating her bad cause of my personal problems

Hi @Tommy-420
I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time.
Self-acceptance is a really tough thing, I'm glad you found ReachOut though.
Please tell us how it goes with the resources @Taylor-RO has suggested because it might be very helpful. I hope it helps you,
Here for you Heart

Re: Treating her bad cause of my personal problems

I'm glad I found this place too it has helped already just getting things off my chest in a peaceful manner.

Thanks @missep for your kind words 

Re: Treating her bad cause of my personal problems

Hey @Tommy-420, I'm so sorry to hear what you have been going through. It must be so tough having to fight all those battles in your head by yourself.

I understand how it may feel like everyone else has their own things to deal with and that you are adding to that if you talk to them about your issues. But just like when a friend comes to us upset, we do not tend to think at all about how they are making us worry or adding to problems, but instead we are glad they came to us and we want to help, in fact we would much rather the people we loved come to us than have to deal with things on their own. So when the tables are turned and we are in need of support, we can sometimes forget this and tend to think the opposite as our minds can play tricks on us, but try to remember it from the other point of view in times like that! 

For me personally, I used to find it extremely difficult to talk in person and avoided it at all costs and used to prefer writing too. I also understand how daunting it may sound to see a psychologist as I too avoided that too for a long time. But it really can help to see a psychologist when things are weighing down other aspects of our life. 

I used to write down my issues or thoughts down on a word document and send them to a trusted friend and counsellor when I very first started off talking about things and opening up to other people. This helped a lot because I couldn't bring myself to talk about things in person and this way it allowed them to really understand me and what was going on. They would read my documents and then respond in person and slowly, I started to be able to talk about things more and more. As much as I was afraid and even ashamed to share some of the things I wrote, I found finally sharing them with other people helped me in so many ways.

 

Do you think any of this may help you too? Hope you're having a good day Heart

Re: Treating her bad cause of my personal problems

I'm glad you feel that way @Tommy-420
Reach Out is non-judgemental and supportive, we're here for you! 
Smiley Happy 

Re: Treating her bad cause of my personal problems

Thanks you @Puppies026 your advise is very helpful, it's good to know I'm not alone with my struggles to speak about the stuff going on inside . Sorry for the late reply if been dealing with some none related stuff .