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im back?

so its been a while since I've been here. this forum kinda turned into my online diary I guess but a diary that I could get support from people who are going through similar things to me. 2019 was pretty shit and im not going to sugar coat it and say it was fantastic or alright. I've made a lot of mistakes and this year im planning to not repeat them and continue to work on my anxiety that has been a pain in the ass the last couple of weeks and improving myself for the best. 

 

however through the last 3 months, my anxiety has honestly sky rocketed so much and idk why. I've been avoiding having conversation with the boys that used to tease me a lot last year cause of what had happened (read my other forums if ya wanna know ig) and I guess they have moved on. the boy that I was talking about moved schools but I've been randomly seeing him at the station and I get so nervous and scared. like I literally start shaking. and idk why cause I swear im over him. but whenever I see him I low-key get excited but super nervous cause I dont deserve to even look at him in the eye due to what I did to him. but it breaks my heart seeing that hes moved on? like I think about him a lot since he friended me on facebook??? I was like so confused cause I thought he hated me and as soon as I got the app, he was the 2nd person who requested to be my friend. I dont understand what's going through his head. but im planning to stop thinking about him over the corona virus phase I guess (cause im stuck inside my house 24/7 now Smiley Sad(( ) and also my anxiety has been the worst cause I did rlly bad in my exams last year and my parents have lost all hope and trust in me and I rlly need it back? I started counselling but its been tough cause of the corona situation that I haven't seen her in months Smiley Sad( now that school isn't happening my anxiety has decreased a bit but the past few weeks I have been breaking down at school in the bathrooms and I keep wanting to talk to someone about what im feeling but I keep telling myself that im ok and I dont need it? idk whats wrong with me

 

anyways enough about me; hope you guys all stay safe and healthy during this corona situation!! 

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Re: im back?

Hi @ruthxxx, welcome back and thanks for sharing that with us. We are so happy that you have found our online community helpful. It seems like this year is the year of improvement and working on yourself. You have already done such an amazing job with attending counselling. That is such a big step so well done! Heart

 

It really sucks that this virus has come along - it is slowing everything down quite a bit. You mention that this is causing you a lot of anxiety which is totally understandable. I think a lot of us can relate to being worried about the unknown and isolation. It is also really difficult to reach out for support when you feel like you don't need it or deserve it. Sometimes thinking about how you would speak to a friend if they were in your position can help Smiley Happy Is that something you have ever tried?

 

With limited contact with your counsellor and having to stay inside.. would you find calling a helpline beneficial? A lot of them are available 24/7 and have web chat options, in case talking on the phone is not for you.There are a few like Kids Helpline, eHeadspace and Lifeline. If not, your counsellor might be able to do sessions by telephone or Skype - you would just have to ask them as each health professional is different.

 

Please keep us updated Heart

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Re: im back?

Hi @ruthxxx! Welcome back to the forums!

I'm sorry that 2019 was such a bad year for you. Smiley Sad But well done for trying to improve yourself and work on reducing your anxiety! Smiley Happy

It sounds like you have a lot going on. I'm really sorry that you're still having issues with this boy, stuck in your house and are having problems with your relationship with your parents. Smiley Sad
Which issue do you think is affecting you the most?

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Re: im back?

I hate showing my friends that side of me being all vulnerable and all so I'm not as comfortable talking to them about it? its like I hate burdening them about it and I am kinda shown as this 'idgaf' sorta person and I know that I'm hiding my true persona as say but I just feel safe doing that.

I've tried online counselling and they weren't as effective as they did not personally know me? I might ask my counsellor thanks for the suggestion...
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Re: im back?

probably everything. this year I rlly wanted to focus on my exams and make myself and especially my parents proud. and to do this I realised I was pushing my friends away and we kinda became distant and I felt so lost whenever they had inside jokes cause I always tried to ignore them when they talked in class to focus on what they teacher was saying. and even my friends have realised I've become a totally different person to who I was last year and they would joke around about how I was becoming such a nerd and that I need to chill and I know they are just joking around but I keep getting so emotional to whatever people have been saying and I feel hurt cause I'm just trying my best and I feel like I'm being judged for that? idk this year has kinda started off rlly bad but Im trying and cause of this school break we are having I haven't been having a lot of breakdowns and I haven't been getting as emotional as I was
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Re: im back?

Hey @ruthxxx,

It sounds like you have found the school break helpful and have seen an improvement in your mood. Have you been able to keep in touch with your school friends over the break? It is completely understandable to want to focus on your school work. It can be so difficult to maintain a balance between talking to friends and focusing on work during class. It is definitely a juggling act which may involve a little compromise but it is completely up to you. In regards to your friends joking and judging you - do they understand why you are focusing on your school work? Sometimes when people understand why you are doing something, it can help put it into perspective for them. Do you usually spend time with your friends outside of class? It can give them an opportunity to talk during your free/lunch time, rather than during class Heart

You mentioned about online counsellors not personally knowing you which can be an important component of therapy for some people. I don't know if this would help (or if you have already tried this) but with some of the online counselling services I listed, you can contact the same counsellor regularly. This way they get to know you a little more Smiley Happy
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Re: im back?

idk I fee like with counselling I need to do it irl or over Skype cause texting it doesn't rlly work for me like idk I don't feel as good as I do when I talk with someone with my voice cause eve thing kind of just flows out.

I do talk to them everyday during this break and I used to be super close to them last year so we talk during lunch and recess before. I mean its year 11 and every one in my grade is taking this year super serious and idk they just joke around saying I study too much and idk it hurts cause I'm honestly trying and get so hurt by what they say idk. I used to not care when they said this last year but this year I've been more emotional to it

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Re: im back?

Hey @ruthxxx it's really understandable, and admirable, that you want to take your education seriously. You mentioned that your friends used to be super close - do you guys currently talk about deeper and more meaningful things or is it more of superficial conversation?

Similar to what @Taylor-RO said, understanding does often allow perspective. I saw you mentioned you don't like being vulnerable and feeling like a burden, which I think a lot of people also feel at different times. If a friend opened up to you regarding their own anxieties, do you think you and your other friends would perceive them as a burden? But I completely understand, being vulnerable can be really tough and we have to work at our own pace!

 

I just wanted to say as well, well done on taking this year to work on yourself! I am glad to hear that with school currently out as a factor due to the virus that your anxiety has decreased.

 

Definitely a good idea to see if your counsellor will do Skype sessions! Smiley Happy

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Re: im back?

Hey @ruthxxx ,

 

That's insightful of you to acknowledge that counselling works better for you face-to-face or via phone, rather than text.  Sometimes voice is important for tonality and to really connect with someone as allow it too flow out as you eloquently put it Smiley Happy

 

It must be hurtful to hear those things but I love that you've focused on your study.  Year 11 is tough so it demands hard work.  You've acknowledged that and started to put the effort in Heart

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Re: im back?

We don't talk about deep stuff anymore its more about the random topics and someone of my close friends have started to become close with other people so she talks about all her deep stuff with them instead of me now? idk I feel like I've lost all my close friends through this and I feel rlly alone and lost.

one of my friends had a few mental breakdowns last year cause she was going through a break up and honestly I was the only person that listened to her. I was going through a lot at that time but I helped her out and idk I just rlly wanted to tell her how I felt cause I thought we made this connection cause she opened up to me but I got too scared. however most of my group didn't care cause she's very emotional and always broke up and went back together with her boyfriend and most of my group was done with her. honestly I thot how my friends reacted were pretty shit but idk after seeing how they responded to her I didnt feel like sharing mine

thank you ill give that a go