trigger warning - can't take it anymore.

hi @Taylor-RO , thanks for replying. i will read the email and check out peer chat, i haven't heard of that before, and i will read that article you linked.

it's very hard and hurtful yes.

she knew i had mental  health issues. i would never think and say that to anyone. she accused me of stuff i would never be, think, do and say, like pretending to be someone else talking to her when i told that person who messaged her not to get involved. it made me happy roleplaying and talking with her about stuff we have in common, i looked forward to it. it was like escapism for me, which is common. it hurts so much, nobody understands.

Hi @redroses I hope it's okay for me to chime in on your thread and introduce myself 👋

I'm so sorry you lost a friend. It sounds like having someone to roleplay and connect with was really helpful for you, so I can imagine how much it hurts for them to put you down and name-call. How are you feeling about the situation today? 

After reading through your thread, it's clear that you value friendship, and I want you to know that this community is a great place to make friends and open up to people about your mental health. 

I want to share some threads and spaces you might like to get involved in - maybe you could even create a roleplay thread!

In the "taking care of myself and others", there are conversations about self-care, coping strategies and hobbies. We also have a games space that would be a good place to create fun threads and meet other community members. 

Just a little heads up that we'll check in with you via email. I'm glad you're here with us, and I hope to chat with you soon! 

hi @Bre-RO .

i'll have a look at throse threads, and i have replied to your email, thanks. it's not the same roleplaying, we did it like a show we both liked and we acted as the characters and we added some other characters. we did drama, comedy, romance, funny things, etc. no one else knows how to do it and wants to really and it's not the same.

i just don't understand, it's like she has an alter ego. she was nice when we were on good terms but she shares violent things that she calls "art". there was one that was very graphic which i won't mention. i told her this was distressing & she told me to "piss off & unfollow her if i didn't like it". i wasn't telling her what to do, just trying to politely tell her i felt uncomfortable about it. she shared normal things too like about the shows we like & music.

people tell me to get over it but it's really hard. maybe if we didn't roleplay & have that & the inside jokes, i may not hurt as much, i don't know.

i watched some videos on youtube from a mental health channel about toxic people, narcissism, gaslighting etc. but i can't figure out if i was the toxic one, if it was her, or both of us. i think both of us. if i didn't say i felt lied to and avoided then this wouldn't have happened.

i'm just so confused and hurt, i don't know what to believe and what to feel.

Hi @redroses 

It sounds like it has been a difficult and confusing time for you trying to understand what happened. It’s very understandable that you are feeling this way and are questioning things that happened.

I can hear how hurt you are by this and want to remind you that your feelings are very valid. I know you mentioned that people have been telling you to get over it and I can only imagine how difficult it must be to hear this and for people to not be understanding of how this has impacted you and how you are feeling. Your feelings are unique to you and even if others don’t understand them, it doesn’t make them any less real.

I was wondering if you have had a chance to go through some of those threads yet?

I know that you mentioned that you watched some videos about toxic people and relationships, if you wanted to learn more about this, we have an article on emotional abuse that has some more information about types of emotional abuse and might help you understand it.

We also have an article about looking after yourself when a friendship ends with some tips that may be helpful.

I’m mindful of the impact that this has been having on you and was wondering if there was anything you have been doing to take care of yourself or if anything has helped take your mind of this?

hi @Blake_RO .

yes i read the threads you sent me. no sadly not. i contacted helplines with professionals and they told me to get back in contact with her to try again but be mindful, as i was happy talking to her & maybe it'll help, idk. my psychiatrist i have a feeling would say the same thing.

Hi @redroses 

That is great that you read the threads! Understandably, there is a lot that you really like about your friend and you shared some fun times with them. There were also times that were horrible and it seems like they had a really negative impact on your mental health. From what you mentioned, it also sounds like they were not really understanding of your perspective either. The urge to reach out after a friendship has ended is really normal but it is important to think about the impact that it might have on you if you decide to talk to them - good and bad  

@Taylor-RO i know what you mean. the helplines i've talked to and other forums with peer support workers have told me to try and contact her again, try and fix things. i miss her so much and it's hurting me a lot. it's not getting us anywhere like this. i feel so bad.

Hi @redroses , I am sorry to hear how much you’re hurting, losing a friend is just so incredibly difficult. You have experienced a mix of hurtful and confusing things lately, and I am mindful of the impact it might be having on your well-being. How are you feeling today? Have you been able to get much sleep at all? 

It sounds like you are considering whether or not it would be a good idea to reconnect with your friend. I find that writing a pro’s and con’s list can sometimes help me make those more difficult and complex decisions. Have you tried this technique? You mentioned that you have a psychiatrist appointment coming up in a month. I wonder if a pro’s and con’s list could be something to think about doing before or during your next appointment with them?

@Sally_RO 

hi. i'm still feeling the same i suppose. i will mention it to my psychiatrist yes. i contacted her again, sent her a few messages explaining things and offering a solution in a polite way. no replies and i haven't been blocked yet as i type this. so i'm not sure if that's a good or bad sign. it's a hard situation.

god i'm everything bad. i wasn't trying to harass & stalk her & come across that way. i only wanted to try to fix things not make things worse. i got another hurtful message from her yesterday. she said this.

"Idk what you hope to achieve with your threats and your constant harassment. This obsessive behaviour of yours would make anyone want to back off. I told you numerous times that I do not wish to interact with you again. Harassing & stalking me certainly won’t make me want to change my mind. Involving other people & threatening to k!ll yourself won’t make me either. Sending me hundreds of messages is harassment & checking my online activity on multiple platforms is stalking, no matter what you think you’re doing. I doubt your psychiatrist got the full picture of what’s happening here because anyone would tell you that any healthy interaction needs reciprocity & respect. & as you probably are well aware, there is none of that here since you are not respecting my wishes or needs. You don’t care about me. If you truly did you wouldn’t be spamming me. Like I’ve said many times, I don’t want to fix things. I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to “go back”. No matter how much you want it, this isn’t going to happen so you better accept that this is over. Move on. Stop wasting your time & look forward. Focus on better things." i see her point but she doesn't need to be mean. i tried again because we've had silly petty small arguments in the past & she's told me not to dwell on it & move on & we've forgiven each other. it was the good things i was holding onto like the roleplaying. i had my psychiatrist today & i told him what i did wrong & what she did wrong too. i should've listened. i made my own bed now i'll have to lie in it. but i'm scared. i don't think she can do anything but she knows my email address & what i look like, my age, that i'm from australia but i hope she doesn't do anything with it. even if i try to move on it still hurts because of the trauma. things remind me of her like shows we used to talk about, etc. i talked to this person for over a year. they were nice at first. it's like they have a split personality. they also sent me screenshots of the legal stuff & the punishment but i don't think she can do anything about that. i've deleted the social medias i talked to her on. 

Hi @redroses , how are you doing today? It sounds like yesterday was a tough day, and I can completely understand why you might be feeling a bit confused and hurt after receiving this kind of message. From what you've said about being shown screenshots of legal stuff, it sounds as though this friend was making you feel uneasy about whether they were going to report you for harrassment or stalking, is that right?

I'm sorry that your friendship with this person ended up this way and that they are being so blunt towards you. It's definitely not fair for her to make an assessment of whether or not your psychiatrist has the full picture of what's going on, because that is between you and your psychiatrist, not anyone else. I think it makes perfect sense that you wanted to try and hold onto a friendship based on the good times you've had together, like the roleplaying and inside jokes you enjoyed. Relationships are complicated, and there's usually a lot of good mixed in with the bad, but it sounds as though her behavior towards you has become quite hurtful. How are you feeling about your friendship with them now? It sounds as though you've decided to delete your social media accounts that connected you to her and to fall out of contact, which can be a very hard call to make. 

You also mentioned in your post that you've discussed the idea of having suicidal thoughts with your friend online, and that she wasn't always respectful and understanding of what that's like. Are you having any thoughts of suicide at the moment, and do you feel confident that you can keep yourself safe? I hope you know that this is a safe space to talk about suicidal thoughts and that you deserve to be listened to and feel heard 💓

hi @Portia_RO . i wasn't  trying to come across like i was stalking & harrassing her, i was only trying to fix things with her because i've been raised to try & talk things out with people regardless. so that's what i was trying to do. i'm confused because when we were on good terms she'd say things like she doesn't want to lose me & it makes her happy talking & roleplaying & i felt the same. i guess all of that was a lie from her, sigh. yeah i'm still having suicidal thoughts. i haven't done anything but it feels impossible to stop thinking about this stuff with her because of the trauma. i just feel so guilty, used, so many mixed emotions. i wasn't trying to have an obsessive behaviour, it's just that i have fear of abandonment & rejection. i guess i wasn't aware how i was coming across. i said things in the heat of the moment, nothing like what she said to me (i'm not saying her feelings aren't valid, they are) & i apologised endlessly. we've had small petty arguments in the past & she's told me to forget about them & move on. it's like she has more than 1 personality. & the fact she wouldn't show me what she looks like & gets all angry when i ask her about her identity (like send a selfie) was also a red flag i guess. it just meant a lot to me & made me happy. i won't have that with  anyone else, roleplaying & whatnot. it's not the same anyway. it's so hard for me to let go. it hurts mentally and physically so much. & yes i'm scared. i don't believe she can do anything but it's still living in fear.

Hey @redroses it's clear that this person meant so much to you, and that this whole situation has left you very hurt and confused. The fact that you were willing to put so much effort into repairing the relationship tells me that you are an incredibly caring and empathetic person. It saddens me deeply to know that those qualities don't seem to be valued by this person. 

Sometimes there can be clashes in relationships when both people are struggling with their mental health. It sounds like this person has some deep pain and trauma in her past, and unfortunately in some ways has taken it out on you. This isn't a reflection of you, or your worth. Perhaps one day things will be calmer, and you two can reconnect. For right now, some distance and time apart might be healthy for you both. 

Also, I just wanted to share that I think the roleplaying stuff is really cool! I would totally love that - so have hope that there are other people out there who could do the same with you; play games, roleplay, and talk about all the stuff you have in common. 

Do you have someone you can talk to about your suicidal thoughts, especially if they become overwhelming? You could always get in touch with Kid's Helpline if it becomes too intense. 

hi @Pho-RO . sadly no one knows about roleplaying & wants to do it, i mean like fanfiction, so you pretend to be the characters & date them & stuff. it may sound stupid but it was fun & like escapism for me. i can't seem to find anyone with the same interests like shows either. i'm in some groups on facebook for some shows i like but a lot of people don't interact on there, they might comment & like posts but yeah. & maybe you're right about the trauma but that's no excuse for her to be like that to me. i wasn't trying to stalk her or harrass her. i know i messed up. it's all my fault. i feel so hurt & used. i tried helplines like KHL but couldn't get through after waiting 30+ minutes without a message saying i'll be put through soon. i don't like talking on the phones so i prefer web chats.

Not stupid at all @redroses I roleplay in my head all the time and play D&D for similar reasons. Escapism is not a bad thing when it helps us to cope. I still reckon you'll be able to find someone out there one day who will be able to join you in roleplaying your favourite shows. 

It's not all your fault - there are always two people in any relationship, and from the sounds of it she's been behaving pretty poorly towards you, even if you have also made some mistakes along the way. 

Hmm that's rough about KHL, being on hold is no fun at all. I believe Headspace have a chat available if you sign up, you can check it out here. 

hi again @Pho-RO .

i've had bad experiences with Headspace, in person & online - their group chats & therapists, being treated badly, unfortunately. but thanks anyway.

forgot to add this:

1. she was threatening me, my mum told me to threaten her back to play her games, hers seemed like an empty threat and so was mine i guess. i wasn't trying to make my mum look bad. i know i shouldn't have said & done that, i apologised to her before her message.

2. i wasn't trying to stalk and harass her, i was trying to fix things because i've been raised to talk things over regardless.

3. i only have obsessive behaviour because i have trust, fear of rejection and abandonment issues, so i want people to stay. i know it's not the right way to be about it. and it's because of what we shared so this is different.

4. i wasn't trying to stalk her and i was only checking her social media activity because i was worried about her. 5. someone i talk to over here messaged her trying to get her to forgive me because she was worried about me. it was one person.

6. i never threatened to kill myself, i said i'm suicidal and that i'd be better dead, that she doesn't seem to care and that's probably what she wants, and how much this is affecting me her being like this.

7. i told my psychiatrist every detail in a 20 minute session.

8. i do care about her, i was trying to fix things for her benefit too because she said she enjoyed roleplaying and talking with me and it made me happy but i guess that was all a lie. i wasn't trying to spam her, it was just eating me up and i felt i needed to keep apologising and trying to get her back, not make things worse.

9. i can't move on, it's so hard and painful. i can't accept any of it, and i'm not trying to waste her time or mine. i can't look forward and focus on better things.

Hey @redroses ,

It sounds so tough to be juggling all these things at the moment. We read that she is still very much a part of you. When you mentioned this to your psychiatrist, was it helpful?

It seems like perhaps what you are feeling links to grief, and grief does take time to process.

Please continue reaching out.

@Chloe-RO maybe it is grief i guess. my psychiatrist just said he's sorry to hear about all this happening & that it must be stressful for me, which yes it is. he just asked me about my sleep, eating & things like that. didn't give me any suggestions. i felt a bit let down by this too. maybe he didn't know what to say. i'm not sure i'm ready to see a psychologist again.

@redroses It's important you feel comfortable with the person you are sharing things with. You may have the best psychologist, but if they are not a good fit, then therapy may not be helpful. Conversely, if you have a therapist who is less experienced but is a good fit, then both can gain from the interactions. 

I encourage you to continue looking for those you can speak to.

Please take care

@Chloe-RO i just wish she'd give me another chance & we could start fresh. that's the only thing that would help. she cuts me off over things i'm not, things i would never say & do, etc. i was never trying to stalk her or anything. i guess i'm the bad one here. it's always me. 

Navigating relationships can be tricky @redroses . It is difficult to predict what the other person is thinking and hence, the reasons for their actions.

It's would be great if we all knew what the future had install for us, but unfortunately, that's not really the case. It is important you feel comfortable with yourself. Accept yourself for who you are and understand we cannot control the actions of others.

I'm sorry things seem so unfair right now. We hope you find space to be kind to yourself.

@Chloe-RO my psychiatrist asked me if i'd talk to her again, i said i guess not for the time being, as much as i'd like to. he said i should try talking to her again because i told him i was happier then, & he said there's unresolved trauma with both her & i. i'm trying to respect her wishes. if i don't listen to my psychiatrist he says (not in a rude way) i don't listen to him & take his advice, & the same thing with my parents. i was  thinking of emailing the company & asking if he can write a letter with his professional advice so i can get a friend to send it to her. i explained this to my parents. i don't know what to do. i only want to start fresh with her because that's the only thing that will help. i'm trying to let go but i've never had a friendship like i did with her, in a good way.