Lost
Hey again....
A few months ago, I posted on here a few...weeks or so after my second attempt at suicide. Things...things are still rough.
It was almost three months ago, but not a day goes by that I don't relive that day. My mind just goes over and over it in my mind and...it's horrible. I can be walking through my uni and then BOOM, it hits me and the memories start playing. I can remember begging my friends who there to let me die, and them trying to keep me awake because I was close to passing out. I remember everything about that day - that morning in class, hanging out with my friends and then.... It haunting me. It was like this the first time aswell....
It doesn't help that someone, one of my friends, who saved my life that day, no longer talks to me, or even looks at me. We were so close before everything happened and now... It honestly breaks me heart. After a month of not speaking, I confronted him and he said "I just can't deal with anymore drama at the moment" and so many people have told me that a real friend would never have left my side after everything I went through. Only one person has defended him, telling me that it would have been hard for him to have found a friend in such a way. I...I feel shattered about it. I miss him. I miss our chats. I miss our jokes. I miss our friendship. I miss him. I feel broken without him. To have someone I cared about for so long no longer beside me is...painful. We walk pass each other some days and don't even look at each other. It honestly feels like someone is slowly stabbing me each time. I feel lost. So lost....
I keep fighting cos.... I don't know why. Out of hope that I will gain that friendship back. Out of hope that things will one day, look up. Go right.
Comments
@Tree wrote:
Hey again....
A few months ago, I posted on here a few...weeks or so after my second attempt at suicide. Things...things are still rough.
It was almost three months ago, but not a day goes by that I don't relive that day. My mind just goes over and over it in my mind and...it's horrible. I can be walking through my uni and then BOOM, it hits me and the memories start playing. I can remember begging my friends who there to let me die, and them trying to keep me awake because I was close to passing out. I remember everything about that day - that morning in class, hanging out with my friends and then.... It haunting me. It was like this the first time aswell....
It doesn't help that someone, one of my friends, who saved my life that day, no longer talks to me, or even looks at me. We were so close before everything happened and now... It honestly breaks me heart. After a month of not speaking, I confronted him and he said "I just can't deal with anymore drama at the moment" and so many people have told me that a real friend would never have left my side after everything I went through. Only one person has defended him, telling me that it would have been hard for him to have found a friend in such a way. I...I feel shattered about it. I miss him. I miss our chats. I miss our jokes. I miss our friendship. I miss him. I feel broken without him. To have someone I cared about for so long no longer beside me is...painful. We walk pass each other some days and don't even look at each other. It honestly feels like someone is slowly stabbing me each time. I feel lost. So lost....
I keep fighting cos.... I don't know why. Out of hope that I will gain that friendship back. Out of hope that things will one day, look up. Go right.
I think the thing a lot of people don't realise is that it takes a lot of patience to deal with people who have mental health issues, and in a way, a kind of courage you don't see often. It might take your friend a while to learn this, and he might not ever learn it--or, at least not in any significant way while you still know him, because with a lot of issues like these, it takes a lot of different people over a long time to really see how things are, if they ever do.
I'm not going to give you the talk about how "it gets better", because the truth is, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. With this kind of pain, I think the truth is that it doesn't so much get better as it does just fade, or you get used to it, but it'll still be there.
I don't know what you'll have to do to get that end point. It's different for everyone.
But I think you should give him some space, and if the day comes where he wants to reconcile your old friendship, you'll see how it goes. For now, do what you can--find a friend who can understand the issues, or indulge in creative expression, or see a counselor or whatever.
If you ever feel like you want to die again, I would strongly urge you to consider ringing a suicide hotline. I believe one has already been listed in a prior comment, and you can usually find a list of suicide hotlines quite easily via a Google search.
Hey Tree,
That really sucks that you are feeling so down at the moment while also having to deal with losing one of your close friends.With this in mind, I think it is really important that at this time you focus on getting through what you have been through and your recurring thoughts about your suicide attempt. Have you spoken to anyone about this? I really encourage you to let a counsellor or doctor know that it is still really effecting you day-to-day. I say this because even though you might find it easier to get through it having your friend at your side, it may be difficult to re-establish that relationship while you are still dealing with what has happened in the past. Maybe focusing on you health and wellbeing at the moment would be a good step to take, because an improvement in this area might make it easier for you to approach your old friend and sort through issues of the relationship.
On the other hand, I know that it might feel as though you would cope better if only you had that fieind back. That is why I encourage you to find someone else to talk to in the mean time, such as one of your other friends. If you talk to someone who is friends with both you and your old friend, they may be able to offer some insight into your old firend's perspective, and may also be able to offer you some great advice on how to approach the situation, considering thy know the person you are trying to rebuild this relationship with.
Keep getting through each day because you are worth it!
Hope I could help 🙂
Gabi
Hi Tree
it sounds like you are gong through a rough time in you life. Sometimes friendships inevitably end. But this doesn't mean that you can't make new friendships and relationships with other people to widen your friendship group and meet new people.
If ever you need to talk to someone, one on one, you can call kids help line on 1800 55 1800
or life line 13 11 14
or the suicide call back service on 1300 659 467
Hey welcome back @Tree … really glad to have you back.
Everyone has their own things going on and their own lives to live and, unfortunately, their own limits on what they can and can't handle in a friendship.
If the memory of what happened still haunts you, perhaps it still haunts him too?
Have you spoken to him about it or is it something you're not ready to speak about yourself yet? Maybe he's waiting for you to be ready before he can be?
The other side of things to consider is that friendships come and go. I'm not friends with the same people I was friends with in high school, nor am I friends with the same friends I hung out with during the usual uni years. Come to think of it, my friends this year are almost completely different to my friends last year.
So, even if your friendship with this person doesn't resume, you'll make new friends with whom you can develop the same kind of bond.
