Update from me - Long time no see (+ adventures in ADHD)
Hey all!
First of all, I'd like to apologise for how absent I've been. I know it's not really necessary but man, I feel like I haven't really been around since the forums changed (to be honest, I'm not even entirely sure where to put this thread... A+ modding 😂). Time has absolutely flown this year!
So I just wanted to make a quick update + vent/ chat about some things that have been happening.
Just this Saturday, I had an amazing appointment with a psychiatrist. I have had some bad experiences with psychiatrists, plus it was telehealth, so I was very anxious and not expecting to get much out of it... but it was life-changing. Basically, after speaking to both me and my mum he said he's confident that I meet the criteria for an ADHD diagnosis, and he's happy for my doctor to start me on treatment.
It sounds like a weird thing to be happy about but I'm just... so happy. It's like... here's something that's always been there, and finally... an explanation! All my pain and difficulties feel so valid. For example, my biggest insecurity is how I've always been such a good student, but I struggle so much with assignments and deadlines and handing things in. So much so, that I'm still in my undergrad after 6 or so years. Staying on top of life commitments felt like a nightmare. I've told countless supports these struggles, but the penny never seemed to drop. Treating it like anxiety and doing relaxation exercises didn't work, and treating it like depression didn't work (most of the time I was depressed because I couldn't work!). In fact, my struggles with uni only seemed to get worse once my anxiety treatment started working. Ironically, recently I've grown to miss anxiety as I've felt like it was the thing pushing my brain to just do things... which of course led me to feeling inadequate + depressed. What a vicious cycle!
The day before I had a big chat with my mum and she pointed out that retrospectively, the signs were always there. When I was a kid I was always a perfectionist, and the last to finish any task (despite the fact I was never yelled at or discouraged for being less than perfect!). My earliest memories are all full of times I was told off for daydreaming in class, and feeling so hurt and guilty. My emotions have always been very big, such little things always set me off. Rejection has always been a knife to my chest. Now, whenever I wander around the house on my phone in the middle of doing my eyeliner when there's somewhere we urgently need to go, or if I turn the flame on the stove on then get distracted before putting a pot to boil on... we know why. 😂
One thing that frustrates me though is how something so seemingly obvious could be missed. All my life, despite my struggles, not one person ever suggested ADHD to me. Not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or anyone. It's so stigmatised and misunderstood. I can barely research medication without landing on a page about recreational drug abuse. When speaking to my mum my psychiatrist asked 'why hasn't she been assessed before?' and Mum answered, 'because she's a girl, I was lead to believe it was just a rowdy boys thing'. She's been so supportive in a way I've never really seen from her, she's told me she's frustrated at herself that she missed the signs but she's so happy that I can have an answer. She keeps sending me all these quotes and resources.
I am so, so happy. I have so much support. My new GP (who was recommended to me by my psychologist) is so thorough that he recommends I take some blood tests + a heart check up to make sure my body can handle any meds. I can't believe I finally have a doctor that advocates for me! I also have one of the executives from work checking up on me almost every day. For the first time in my life I have a great group of friends, and I have been meeting up with them.
I get so low sometimes that I always make sure to write down these moments where I am happy to prove that it can exist. This new possibility has made me so excited for the future! 😁 My uni has an option for units to run over summer, so hopefully with some strategies and treatment I can finish my last unit needed and GRADUATE!! And hopefully do honours next year, if I'm up for it!
So there's my update! Thank you so much for reading, and I hope to be around more often! 😍
Comments
I feel like I have a few more things to catch up on... I really mean to come back here more regually, I keep forgetting I have this place to vent to haha! This is just going to be a quick one.
I'm just... so frustrated. I'm so frustrated and tired. I feel like I have to try so much harder than everyone else at every single little thing I do and I'm over it. Like, there's going to be no prize at the end of my degree that recognises all the torture I put myself through trying to get through it. I will be put in the same postgrad classes as all the people who 'finished on time' with no executive functioning problems, who didn't have to withdraw because the feelings around uni was literally affecting their safety.
Recently, I've had so many people come up and say I'm a bit much. Literally my whole group chat of 3 friends got together as like an intervention to talk about all the things I'm doing wrong and saying wrong and how I make them feel awful all the time. I am just so over it because like... all my life I have had NO FRIENDS. I never let anyone in. I don't know any proper social skills. And now all at once, I can never do them right or get anything right. And of course I can't express that because then they'd probably get more upset with me. I just try so hard and for what? All I want is to be heard, and seen, and appreciated. Tomorrow I am going to meet a friend for lunch but because she lives in the city I have to get about 3 hours worth of public transport one way and then stay in a hotel overnight. I don't think anyone would ever, ever do something like that for me. No one has so far. And I can't help but think... what reason am I doing this? Am I overcompensating? Why on Earth should I even try or bother when it's safer and easier to just try nothing and talk to no one. My rejection sensitivity would be harder to stir up then. Ugghhhhhhhh.
Hey Hozzles, I'm sorry your friends said that to you- I would honestly feel quite attacked and betrayed if my friends staged an 'intervention', jeez 😞 That seems so unfair and it's no wonder you feel so over it. It really hurts when a trusted person says you're too much especially when you're just trying your best...
I can appreciate a bit of what you might be feeling with uni stuff, I think. I'm like weeks behind at the moment and I feel bad about how long it takes me just to get stuff done. But I think I'm hearing something positive here- it sounds like you're acknowledging how much effort and persistence you've had to put into uni compared to everyone else. And while it is unfair, it sounds like rather than blaming yourself, which is what we can tend to do, you're acknowledging that you are actually kind of a badass for getting through all that 🙂
It sounds like you do so much for your friends- but it's feeling pretty one sided 😞 Maybe there's a middle point between being selfless and doing so much for people and isolating yourself? What do you think could help?
I can relate to feeling like I don't have social skills... If it's any consolation I always thought you were really good at communicating!
Hi @Hozzles
Thanks for sharing with us. I want to acknowledge your feelings of frustration and how exhausting it is pushing through exectutive dysfunction, but also want to say a massive well done. The fact that you are still studying and working to get your degree is something to be really proud of yourself for. It is really, really difficult for us neurodivergent folks in comparison to neurotypical people - maybe the gift at the end is knowing how awesome you are for being able to do it even with all the extra obstacles?
I'm really sorry to hear you're having a tough time with friendships, and want to let you know that a lot of people with ADHD struggle with this (myself included!), so you're not alone. One thing that helped me with being told I was too much, was thinking about it differently - I'm not too much, they are just not enough 🙂
You definitely deserve to be heard, seen and appreciated. Do you have any friends that are also neurodiverse? I have found connecting & having friendships with other people with ADHD makes such a difference. Are you in any online ADHD groups? They can be a great way to find people who 'get' you.
Yay fellow ADHDers! I finally got diagnosed this year and I totally get the relief it that comes when it's finally confirmed, but also the very real frustration that follows knowing that it was never picked up this whole time. But well done for perservering throughout the diagnosis journey, I'm so happy you found a support network that are there for you ❤️
Hey @Hozzles it's good to hear from you and I'm so happy for you that you've finally got some answers and things are looking up with Uni and having supports 😄 Now that you've got the right supports I hope stuff is a bit easier with uni. I think the fact you were persisting through uni despite not knowing you had ADHD and not having the right supports shows how strong and persistent you are! That being said it would be such a relief having answers and support 🙂
Keep us updated if you want! You've got this! I like your thinking of making this post for if things get bad again (I mean life is full of ups and downs as we all know!) 🙂 And even if things go downhill again, maybe remembering that you got through such a tough time and that you have so much strength could help?
@Hozzles YAY! This is great news :)) I'm so sorry that it's taken so long but it seems like you are on a better track now. EEk! You must be so excited to graduate and take on the new responsibilities of the real world. It sucks that so many times you weren't beleived or dismissed or misdiagnosed. Do you know any reason why this may be the case? Just so we can figure out how to support people who also have had similar experiences ( just because I also personally lnow many who have)
ADHD buddies!! Yay!!!
Seriously though, I'm so glad you finally got the diagnosis. And that someone finally noticed...
I was only assesed for autism at 17 and I can definitely understand the frustration in having no one even question things for so long. (I also fell victim to not being a boy - apparently people don't suspect autism or ADHD unless you fit a really narrow steriotype)
I really hope that having some treatment options will help with your studies.
This made me feel so happy @Hozzles 💜 It's fabulous that your new GP advocates for you and your mom and friends and the person from work are super supportive. And good luck with the last unit, you are SOOO close to graduating! I'm so excited to think about what your future may hold!
Aw @Hozzles I'm so happy that this psychiatrist is amazing, and that you're getting answers. It's such a relief when things start to make sense in a way they haven't before. When I was reading through your thread I thought more than once that it could be me writing it (just found out that I have adhd this year too!).
It's so bittersweet to finally have the support but to look back and think of all the times you didn't have it. I've done that - a lot - and from what I hear lots of people do if they receive a late diagnosis. The best thing ever is that you have a great GP and psychiatrist.
This made my morning! I hope you feel proud of persevering through uni and now you're almost at the finish line!! Happy days 😊
