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@MB95 it can be so hard to take the risk of letting down your guard and seeking help.
It's totally normal to want to feel attached and connected to people, there's nothing to be ashamed of in that.
It seems like you're fighting hard against your feelings, hoping they will go away, but being connected is an innate human need and the more we fight it, the stronger it gets.
You are important - you matter and you deserve to feel connected to others.

It's completely understandable to want to attach to people who are at more of a distance - I'm wondering if it feels safer?
Allowing trustworthy, consistent and reliable people to come close is scary, but it can also be so worth it.

You are trying so hard and it's obvious how much courage you have in trying to be strong, but sometimes the hardest and most rewarding steps are the ones that require us to be vulnerable.

Only you can decide what you need and what's best for you, but we care about you - you deserve to be supported in a way that will help to ease your pain.