It's okay to feel like I'm betraying you and be angry at me. I'm angry at me too and I'm sorry. I should have known from the start and never let the sloth bond get so strong knowing I'd be having to leave way before you. It's all my fault and I'm sorry. I actually wrote a whole thing out about how it's okay to be angry at me in the novel I lost over on your thread 😭 But I get it and I really am sorry that I'm leaving (totally against my will of course). Like I said, if I had it my way there is no way I would be. So I do hope that counts for something along the way and helps with the hurting a little somehow. I hate to even think I'm making you feel abandoned because well actually let's not go there right now cause this is rather painful to talk about and I can feel myself spiralling pretty quickly myself so I really don't want to make things worse for you. But, I am not pressuring you in any way and I want it to be entirely your decision, but if you do decide you want to stay in touch I will look at starting a new forum thingo. Not that I want to because it's not RO and quite honestly, I NEVER want to go through this again because it hurts too much so yeah. The only reason I will join another one is if I know you are going to be there and if I know it doesn't have a stupid aging out thing. But I don't want that to put pressure on you because I respect your decision either way. But I think I am open to it a bit more now. Idk. I wasn't at first because I was so angry and hating the world and just quietly also felt quite betrayed and like you were part of the whole trying to kick me out of here thing but I've managed to calm down a little and realised that's obviously not the case. Anyway, have a think about it. Absolutely no pressure though okay? I will understand if you don't want too. I just want to do what is right for you because that's my only concern I have right now, is making sure you don't feel abandoned because I never want to put you through that kind of hell 💙 Like I said though, when I'm gone (fuck this is hard) you will still have this amazing community and that is honestly the only thing that is making me feel somewhat okay about leaving you. That I know you'll have their support. Okay let's leave it at that cause this is too intense and the games were a much better idea!!!!
Don't be sorry for a second. You're allowed to shut down and be angry at me. I do get it. I'd be the same and honestly when I got the email saying I needed to leave I was going to leave that night because I was so shut down and angry and wanted to immediately push you away but since writing that stupid goodbye post and just talking with you I've realised I really can't. You make this so hard. But a good hard. 💙 So don't be sorry because I can almost guarantee you I'm feeling a lot the same.
I feel like we're gonna have a lot of games nights rather than talking nights before I leave cause this is BULLSHIT!!!!
Nope, I also think of myself in different times and being able to travel.. mostly to the past really cause I'm not sure I have much of a future. But I always wish I could go back to my past, like when things were good.
Honestly, I think your reply has helped me make my decision so thankyou! I'm not going to go. I think it's safer I keep the walls up with this one and keep myself safe. I never get invited to them either lol Hence why I am pretty certain they only invited me out of pity 😂 So I think it's safer I avoid it because you've made me realise it really won't end well so thank you!!
Nah.. you wouldn't be getting a pass mark.. you'd be getting a HD because of how tough your doing it at the moment, yet somehow still managing to show up for me! (Even if you do hate me right now). And that says a lot about the kind of friend you are 💙
Yeah I was making dumb choices but fairy bread is never a dumb choice!! Maybe we can make fairy bread together tomorrow and watch a movie? What do you say?
Ahahahaha like I got attached your supports 😂 She is pretty great but idk like I appreciate it but I also feel like today just kinda made me realise how much I cannot let myself be vulnerable with her. I need to keep my distance and keep myself safe or else these next two weeks are not going to end well at all. So yeah, I think I do really want her to leave me alone. Because I know for sure this is a train wreck waiting to happen. Which is why I'm so glad you made me realise the importance of not going to the goodbye thing so thankyou!
Regarding your psych, I have calmed down a little now so might respond here. I didn't mean to seem so heartless on your thread, I was just so angry I lost everything but anywayyyy.. I can understand why you would be pushing her away right now. And I almost feel like you're going into the self sabotaging shut down mode? Am I right? And that's okay. I can't really say its not when that's all I am capable of atm. But I do want to say one thing and I do really hope you will listen and take on what your mumma sloth is saying here.. if you feel like you have a good relationship with your psych (which it sounds like you do?) where you feel like she cares (might be hella hard to admit/see) and makes you feel safe then I just want to say it's okay to go into shut down mode and push her away, just don't do it for too long okay? Because the longer you leave it the worse it becomes and it ends up just fucking everything up entirely and you end up with no supports. I know it might seem like you don't want her to care or want her in your life anymore but I promise you that is just the anger and hurt talking. If you feel safe with her and like she is right for you, don't leave it too long because you'll end up fucked and alone like your mumma sloth and trust me, it ain't a pretty place to be, nor is it an easy one to come back from. So PLEASE. If you can do one thing for me, it is to keep your supports in place. Allow yourself the space to push them away, but just don't leave it too long okay? I know it's hard. Also, if you feel your psych is genuinely not the right one for you and you aren't feeling any attachment then by all means push the bitch away! 😂 Just don't push her too far if you are somewhat attached cause it will not end well. Anyway that is mumma sloths advice. Push, but don't push so hard you literally lose everyone because eventually you just completely lose yourself too and it's not a pretty place to be and is extremely difficult to come back from. Anyway that's my lecture for the night! Sorry. I just want you to feel supported and avoid fucking up your life completely like I have 🙃
Thanks @Courtney-RO. I'm trying my best. Definitely wouldn't be able to do it without losts support and the RO staff and community that's for sure. You guys are all incredible ❤
