Wow @BerdNurd !! I just want to say I think you are incredible and so goddam brave!!! Honestly, I wish I had even half of your courage!!! It sounds like you have really taken things into your own hands and doing everything you can to try and start feeling better. I truly take my hat off to you. Seriously, I think you're bloody amazing and I know I don't even know you but your message has just made me SO PROUD!! And kinda really inspired me to be honest. I just wish I was more like you.
I'm sorry to hear you're on your 4th SSRI. I can totally relate to meds not working and the defeating emotions that can come with that. I'm hearing you! I think it's just so great that despite covid being a bitch and knocking you back with the DBT you are still trying to seek out the support you deserve and I hope you are able to see just how brave and courageous you are being!!
Having said all this, I can totally understand you'd be feeling hella nervous about it all. Its something new and kinda really quite unknown I guess as most people don't talk about their time in hospital when its related to MH concerns but if it helps you in any way shape or form, I just did some job shadowing in some inpatient units recently and honestly the youth and adolescent one I went to just seemed like such a safe and supportive place to be. The staff were lovely and the units were great and there were so many cool activities to participate in and it just seemed like a really nice environment to be in to get away from society and eveththing and just focus purely on your recovery. I am not trying to sell it to you because obviously hospital is not really an ideal place anyone wants to be and all units are going to be completely different, but if the one you are going to ends up being similar to this one then I would say you have nothing to be worried about and will be in good hands. I don't know of that helps? I really hope it doesn't make you feel worse!! I just thought it might be comforting to know that the one I visited seemed like a very safe and supportive environment to be in. Please do be cautious though that everyone's experiences are going to be different and that all hospitals are going to be different. I think with anything though, you get out of it what you are willing to put in and by the sounds of things you are very willing to put in the hard yards for recovery?
Now I've just gone on a COMPLETE target there and I'm so sorry!! I have a terrible habit of doing that!! I'm just very proud of you and wanted to acknowledge that and also the fact that this is not an easy thing to be doing and takes a lot of strength to follow through with so welldone. As daunting as it is it does sound like you and your supporting team know what it is you need and are willing to make that happen and I hope you can find comfort in that confidence because it sounds like you're making all the right steps towards putting your MH first.
Let us know how tomorrow goes. I am wishing you all the best!! Please don't be disheartened though if you aren't able to get in. It sounds like you have some great supports behind you and I am sure they will be able to help you seek out the next best thing if they don't happen to have a bed available. Hang in there because you are honestly doing so amazing and have just blown me away with your courage!! 💙