Ahahaha okay, I laughed at you asking if there is a word limit because @Lost_Space_Explorer5 and I can both definitely vouch for that. Yes, yes there is ahahaha I have reached it a few times by accident.. it's 10,000 incase you're wondering ahahaha 😂😂😂 So just needed to share that first!
Second, I just wanna let you know I didn't heart your post cause of what you're going through. I just felt the need to heart it because you write so beautifully and it was just so relatable and yeah anyway I will try get to the point now before I reach 10,000 words..
It sounds like you are so self aware which is awesome in one respect because you've got the insight to work with but also can be so damaging at the same time because its almost like you know what's going on and quite possibly why but you can't seem to do anything about it? And that is one fucking hard place to be. So I do really feel for you. 💙
The hurt and confusion you're feeling is definitely shining through in your post and I'm sorry you're stuck in this place. You have such a way with words and its beautiful but also so relatable it makes me hurt for you. It sounds like you really are stuck in a world of pain and not quite sure where to go. Sadly I can really relate to the self sabotage and the not wanting any help out of anger because you don't feel deserving. Man I can relate to that all too well. And it fucking sucks hey? Feeling invisible is also not a nice thing to be sitting with because like you mentioned, it really makes you question reaching out because it feels like no one cares or ever will. I'm sorry you're experiencing all of this.
As frustrating as it can be, I do think it's great you have your family as a protective factor. And it sounds like you have some supportive people around you too which is amazing to hear. Like your workmate and lecturer? In no way does that make it easier or take away the pain but honestly, if I can give you any advice from my own fuck up of a life it is to not let that go. Don't push it away. Where you can, try and keep those supports in place because I can guarantee you it is not a nice place to be when you have no one around. Reach out to them where you can because it can make a world of difference just knowing someone is there. It doesn't change what you're going through, but it's just comforting to know they are there if you need them. And I do encourage you to use them if you can. Don't be like me.
I can appreciate the difficulties you have with trusting people and why you might not be comfortable sharing everything with your psych or even know how too. Its hard and relationships with psychs are weird and strange and confusing in themselves so it doesn't make the process easy. Again, if I can give any advice from my mess of a life its to try your best to be open with her. If you feel comfortable with her and like she is the right fit for you then try to let yourself be vulnerable, as scary as that is. Try not to worry about what she will think and allow yourself to put yourself first during those sessions because she is there to help you, not the other way around. I used to do the same thing when I was seeing my psych so I do understand how hard that can be but trust me when I say that worrying about her is not going to get you anywhere. You need to try and be selfish during your sessions if you can. It sounds like you know what sorts of things you want to be talking to her about but just unsure of how to open the conversations? And I think your idea of writing things down is awesome. I know for myself, and others on here, writing things down has worked wonders. Even if it's just dot points, it can help to give your psych something to work with. Let them do all the hard work of trying to get to what it is you want to talk about with each dot point if you can't write it all out. That's their job. I was wondering, I had it suggested to me a good while ago by one of the staff, but would you maybe feel comfortable printing off this post and giving it to your psych? Cause I am very much the same. I keep, or used to keep cause I don't have a psych anymore, but I used to keep everything from her and only let little bits and pieces out and man did I make her work for it lol But anyway, I never followed through on that suggestion because the idea of my psych seeing what I write on here freaked me the hell out cause it's the one place I feel safe being myself and I was so scared to show her this part of me because of what she might think or say or even do (when I'm really unwell). But honestly, looking back i think maybe it would have helped for her to see. Its a lot easier to be vulnerable on here because people don't know us so I always find I'm sharing things I never would dream of sharing in real life. But I'm rambling here now sorry (just trying reach the 10,000 ahaha) I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe have a think about printing off this post and sharing it with her? I know what sounds hella fucking scary but it saves you having to write things out all over again and also let's her see you, rather than the modified version of you that you'd probably share when writing to her because you're worried about what she might think? Idk. Just a suggestion. Totally get it if you don't want to because i didn't lol But just thought I'd pass on that bit of advice.
I will read and reply to your latest post shortly. Thinking of you 💙
