Hi @Cinnamon_ ,
This will probably be a lengthy reply, so bear with me. I'll probably respond chronologically to what I've read as there's a lot I can imagine is still sitting strongly with you.
Firstly, I want to validate that feeling uncomfortable in reflection of that experience is extremely understandable. There's many variations of this quote, but it goes "Anything but an enthusiastic yes is not consent". I wanted to bring that quote up because what I'm reading from you shows a real internal conflict. "I didn't really want to at first" followed by" I said he could at the time". What matters here is that you just didn't feel comfortable, nor could you enthusiastically consent AND you were really drunk as well, which I can imagine made it even more complex for you to process and deal with as you felt that verbalising your discomfort was too difficult due to the disorientation. The conflict I can read again in that you have been stuck trying to process "Why do I feel sick about it?". It could be because something within that experience left you feeling taken advantage of. What we tend to do is ruminate over the experience trying to piece it together to make sense (which I can see you doing) of how you went from club-guys house-the event-feeling the way you're feeling.
I can very much reassure you that there's a very big difference between regret and being taken advantage of when it comes to intimacy. I'm sure there are things you can reflect on that you consider regrets, that don't leave you feeling the post-effect of feeling sick/nightmares/crying. I can also read it in your wording "He shouldn't have done anything while I was so drunk". So someone has done something to you. I hear what you're saying when you say you agreed to have drinks with him, but that doesn't mean that they are entitled to you or certain things. In the same capacity, I use the example of someone buying you a gift that you didn't ask for. Just because you got the gift, doesn't mean you owe it to them by engaging with them/talking with them. You may have been in that situation, but it's not your fault for what someone else's intentions are - especially when a part of you was resistant to it. Remember the quote: "Anything but an enthusiastic yes is not consent".
I completely understand your worry about the blurriness of the night. Here, I can imagine you're still trying to make sense of the events. I can imagine it's something like "If things weren't so blurry - I'd have more understanding and then can create a path forward". Naturally, this is a constant rumination because the memories and how you were left feeling are still present for you. I'm reading you've talked to your sister about it and have a support system. Did it help talking to your sister about it? It's a heavy weight to bear and it can feel really lonely to navigate. I wonder, have you considered/are currently seeing a mental health professional to talk about this?
The last thing I want to reflect with you is that the process of identifying how to continue and not let the experiences define you is a unique journey for every person whose been in your shoes. I wish there was a 'Step 1-10 guide and things will be better' guide but this is a period of major growth as you navigate processing this experience. I honestly can't comment from any personal or anecdotal experience, but what can help is just as you are doing now; sharing how you're feeling. It can definitely take the weight off your shoulders, even briefly.
How are you sitting with what I've written? It takes a lot of courage to share what you've shared, and I hope there's something in what I've posted that's been helpful. If there's one thing I hope you can take away from this is that how you feel is completely valid. It's normal to second guess our perception at times, but it can be helpful to give yourself permission to just say "hey, I'm not okay with how I'm feeling ... and that's okay. I trust in my feelings and in myself".
