Hi @Crocidolite_Blue
I'm sorry to hear that you have been experiencing difficult times with your emotions. You also have no need to apologize for sharing how you feel and what you are currently thinking. We are here to support you.
I don't think you are a bad person for having those thoughts. As a matter of fact, any normal person can even have those thoughts and they are sometimes referred to as "intrusive thoughts". These are things that are mind thinks and come up with that may be obscure or strange, but it's not something we have the intention of doing, but just our mind wandering towards random directions. If this is something similar to what you are going through, I don't think it's a reflection of who you are.
How have you been feeling today about your diagnosis and everything else going on around you?
I hope you are safe and okay.
