Lately I've been feeling pretty odd, and don't really know how to describe it, so this post may end up being a bit of a ramble.
I'm currently in year 12, and as you'd imagine (or remember, if you've already gone through it,) it's pretty hectic. Not only are studies suddenly more important, but there's a greater weight on improving your personal lives, to prepare for independent living, and so far I've been lacking in both areas. I've been procrastinating way more than I ever have, and when I used to realised this, or contrast myself with classmates way ahead of me, I'd usually break down. Though this term I've not felt that anymore, even though I've pulled three all nighters in 3 subjects. That's not to say that I'm more optomistic though, rather, I've just felt really hollow and guilty. I don't really have a social life, and do struggle with being lonely, though the struggle is worse some days, and easily tolerable in others. I am really greatful to have friends that enjoy my company, though I don't hang out with them outside of school.
I've repeated the same procedure of procrastinate, feel guilty for it, work on an assignment or prepare for a test in the last minute, then feel disappointed afterwards, and I've been really lost in this loop. I feel insignificant with my classmates, who've improved drastically, though I'm trying my best to at least interact more with people and be less isolated than in my previous years. It is pretty difficult to do so, since I constantly overthink the slightest shift in other people's mood and body language when I interact with them. I know that I might be wrong, but the possibility of being right in thinking something absurd is what scares me, which makes no sense as someone that tries to think as objectively as possible.
The odd feeling I'm trying to talk about is when I feel insignificant, guilty, anxious and lonely all at the same time. I usually just think of negative things, that make me feel that way, and I usually do in waves. I might feel anxious for a while, then lonely for another while. At times in the past few weeks, I'd also feel pretty hollow (for a lack of a better word). To just keep my mind off feeling anxious and stuff, I'd browse social media and eat, though both just keep me distracted.
Fortunately I've still got decent metabolism, and try to excercise a bit, so the excessive eating hasn't had unhealthy consequences. I'm also trying ways to counter my dependency on social media with tips from another post I made on this site.
I've known for a long time now that my sleepiness does impact my mood a lot. My poor sleep schedule and sleeping hours, on top of an iron deficiency and an inflamed nose (in my case, a perminantly blocked nose). I can hopefully improve my sleep schedule over time, and do have access to medication for the iron deficiency and inflamed nose.
