I don't have anyone in my life that I can be completely open with and comfortable around, and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.
I have C-PTSD, generalised anxiety, ADHD, persistent depression, and major depression. I'm in the middle of a particularly rough major depressive episode at the moment. My support network is minimal. My friends know some details, but have no idea of the extent to which I'm struggling.
My friends, housemates, and colleagues describe me as kind and helpful. I find it easy to draw on my own experiences to empathise with others, and love seeing them talk about things that they're passionate about. I also seem to be the friend that other people feel safe opening up to about things they are struggling with, which is a really privileged position to be in.
Sometimes though, when I've been struggling more than usual, it can make me feel even more lonely when I catch up with a friend for coffee and they spend the majority of time talking about themselves. I love hearing what's going on for them and really do care and want to hold that space for them, but sometimes it makes me feel invisible when I'm with them. It's like I'm the non-judgemental emotional support friend that people feel safe opening up to when they need it, but then they get to go back home to the people they love and I'm stuck by myself again.
What am I doing wrong? I know a lot of my self worth is based on how 'useful' I can be to others, but the main reason I want to help people because I genuinely care about them and don't want anyone to have to feel as much pain as I do. How do I start to form deeper connections with people so I can stop feeling like I need to hide everything that's going on for me?
